advice, drama drama

So here's my story.
My ex and I were together. I got pregnant. I told him, and he convinced me to give up my apartment and move in with him. So I did. 6 weeks later I am 6 months pregnant and he kicks me out. Made up a bunch of reasons why, none of which were true. It was then he tells me he doesn't think the baby is his. So despite him kicking me out, I invite him to every prenatal appointment afterwards and invite him to the birth. He did not show up for anything. When he found out I gave the baby his last name, he called the hospital and complained, saying it was "Not his kid" and he didn't want him to have his last name. To which the hospital replies that it is my baby and I can name him whatever I want and they don't care if he doesn't like it.
So my son is born, and when he's 5 days old he finally gets around to asking about him. A whole 5 minute phone call. I tell him the baby is healthy despite being jaundiced at birth, and I tell him how much he weighed. Then he says he was at work and had to go, so we hung up.
Then when my son is 9 days old, he asks if he can come over and take him for a few hours. He also tells me he would need to borrow my carseat, diapers, formula, everything my son would need. I told him my son was entirely too young to be without me at that point, but that he was welcome to visit the baby in my home or his, with me present or in a public place with me present. He then accuses me of "trying to use the baby to get back with him" I was not, and I don't know how he got that from me not wanting to leave my infant son. So I tell him if he truly wanted to see the baby, he wouldn't care who was there. So then he says "We'll just let the courts decide" He has not asked to see him since, and does not ask how he is doing at all. But also at the same time claims he wants custody after our DNA test comes back and shows it's his child. He has stated several times to me and to a couple of mutual friends that this baby was "Not what he wanted" and that he wishes he could "take back" the night we made him. Well if he didn't want a baby he shouldn't have took the condom off, but that's another story.
Now I am wanting to call him/text him and again invite him to see the baby. He has not made any attempt to see him since he was 9 days old, but I feel I should be the bigger person and invite him. My son is 3 months old now and I still feel I would need to be present, because my son is scared of strangers, especially men since he has only known women his entire life. I have been his entire life since he was born and feel it would be traumatic for him to be ripped away from me and the environment he is comfortable in and be placed with someone he does not know in an unfamilar environment.
Should I again text/call him and ask him to see the baby? I have everything documented via yahoo messanger, from me inviting him to all prenatal appointments to the discussion we had regarding him seeing the baby (that he denies to this day by the way) I have never asked him for anything for our son, as I do make enough to provide for him. I will still be seeking child support, because it's still his responsibility to help me support him financially.
Am I being the bad guy here? I am also afraid he might treat my son differently than his other 2 children. He gets them every weekend, but I am afraid since he feels this baby was a mistake he might treat him different than his other two. He is going to lose his house because he cannot afford to pay me child support and make his house payment, and I am afraid he might end up resenting my son because of that.
He also tries to tell me I will look bad in court for wanting to be there when he visits. I know this is not a legal message board but I don't think that is true, I feel my reasoning was perfectly logical in wanting to be there. He is my first child and I don't think any mother in good consience could leave her 9 day old baby for a few hours. Even now he is 3 months old, and I miss him terribly when I have to leave him for a few hours at a time, and I can't wait to reunite with him when I am done with work/whatever it is I was doing that I could not take him to.
Comments or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

First Welcome to the board.

I have no experience with what you are going through. Maybe talk to an attorney yourself.

Good Luck

welcome.
long story short. you sound like my best friend. I say do not let him see the child until there is leagal rule in place. I was told by my lawyer that giving my child over to the other party supports the evidence that they are good people. that reason was one that worked in his favor when it came to coustodial time.
My best friend on the other hand was married but seperated to the father. he deined his son and only comes inot the picture when he wants to. Doesn't pay for squat and she lets him see his son IMO way more then he deserves. He doesn't take any responciblity when this kid spends nights in the hospital or there are bills to be paid. He let her and her son hang out on the highway until she was able to reach me when her car broke down...great guy.. ..so if it was me he wouldn't se his son until he met his legal responciblity. Since he isn't man enough to meet his moral one.
wishing you the best

Hi and welcome! Wow, that's a whole lot to take in. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time with your baby's father. I have absolutely no experience dealing with legal custody issues, but common sense tells me you are right not to let him take your child for unsupervised visits. Your ex sounds very immature, confused, and completely unprepared for the responsibilities of parenthood. First he invites you into his life, then he kicks you out, first he wants nothing to do with the child, then he wants full custody. This is not the behavior of a rational, responsible person, and from a legal perspective, if you do allow him unsupervised visitation, you are acknowledging that you believe he is competent enough to care for your child. This may affect future custody rulings, so think long and hard about the long term repercussions of such a decision. More importantly, though, is your child's immediate safety and well being. Do you really think it's a good idea to trust your child with someone who until very recently wasn't even willing to accept responsibility for his existence?
Based solely on the information you've provided, I'm not sure what draws you to this guy. He doesn't sound like a very righteous dude, and the relationship seems kind of doomed, imo. Best of luck caring for your baby and finding someone more trustworthy and loyal in the future.

what state do you live in? Here in FL, it's nearly impossible to take custody from the mother, she'd have to be completely unfit but the father does have rights and if you insist on child support then more than likely, the father will want some custody arrangement.
while mothers have far more rights to kids than dads, the dads do have some rights and if he insists on some custody, like every other weekend, etc, then unless you can prove him to be a danger to your son then likely he'll get it. But you would get primary custody and would be the one who makes all the decisions, etc.
I'd talk to a family lawyer and find out what your state's laws are on this issue and then determine what to do from there.
sorry to hear your situation is so difficult but at least you are in a position to financially support your baby which is more than many single moms can truly say.

Thank you for all the replies everyone. I live in Ohio and I know he will not get custody, so I am not worried about that. Custody agreements in Ohio state that with a very young child like my son, the dad only gets a certain amount of hours per week, and it states that a child as young as my son shall spend most of his time with the primary caregiver (me) Thank u to the person who told me what their lawyer said about letting him see the baby now-You are right, it will be hard for me to prove him unfit if I let him take my son now, so I won't. Also, thanks to the poster who said "Do you really think it's a good idea to trust your child with someone who until very recently wasn't even willing to accept responsibility for his existence?"
That is very true and I had not thought of that, but that is something I will be sure to tell my lawyer, in those very words too, lol.
Honestly I moved in with him because I fell for his lies about how he'd take care of me and the baby, etc, but I have seen his true colors now.
Anyone else with imput would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply.

I'm a little confused by a couple of things.

The hospital let you use the last name of some unknown (to them) person? So I could have named my child Smith even though my last name is not "Smith?"

Did you get the DNA tests back that confirmed it's his child?

Yes, at the hospital you may give your child whatever last name you want. I chose to give my child his last name, because I knew that if I didn't, when the DNA test comes back, I'd have to get it changed, and it costs money to do that. We got the DNA test that he demanded on June 30th, and are still waiting for the results. There is not a doubt in my mind that this is his child. I am just waiting for the DNA to prove it.

Yes, you can. When I was in HS one of the girls in my class got pregnant and the father wasn't in the picture. She hated her very ethnic last name so she gave her baby the last name Star because she thought it was pretty.

SO even if it is his child and he clearly wants nothing to do with this child, you still want him to have the same last name? I think it it were me, the child would take my last name.......

I say you need to seek out a lawyer. he may not even try to contact you and it doesn't sound like you would ge tmuch $$ from him anyways. I also might be inclined to raise the child myself, and if it comes up that he wants anything to do with him then decide how to prceed legally. I am sur eit owuld be tough, but you would likely be happier without him causing drama in your life and your babies life!

Got it. Thanks.

At this point, you have to wait on the DNA tests. Nothing else can really be done until you see the results.

OK, so, the easiest/best course of action right now would be to file through your local child support agency (usually called CSE or SES, etc).

You said you had a DNA test so perhaps you have done this part but if not...

File with them, they will handle getting a legal DNA test, naming him as the legal father, and setting up child support for you.

Once he is the legal father, he can petition for rights to see his child.

Until he is awarded visitation rights with the child, I think it would be OK for him to see the child in your presence if he chooses to do that. If not, his loss. If he would like to see the child he can file with the courts and will be awarded some form of visitation.

Its hard to say what form he may receive bc of many factors- your state law and even just the opinions/mood of your judge, age of the child, etc- but he wont get primary custody and even joint physical would be highly unlikely.

Keep conversations with him (if they happen) to a minimum and only about the child. You are not required to listen to him drivel on about anything or accuse you of trying to get back together with him, etc.

You will not look bad for offering him visits with the child when you are present. In fact, many states would be happy to see this sort of thing more often. They would much rather see this than a mother who refuses to see the father see the child whatsoever, even in her presence and a huge court battle ensues.

Its really up to you whether or not you want to call or text or whatever. You could always send a short letter stating that he is welcome to come and see the child with you there and that if he would like to do so, he can contact you. After that, leave it up to him.

This post has been edited by Cece00 on Jul 28 2009, 06:32 PM

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I wanted to make sure no one else thought I was crazy for wanting to be there-after all, the only time he's ever asked to see him was when my baby was 9 days old, and no mom would leave their 9 day old baby. I will not let him take my baby by himself unless a court orders me to do so-my child doesn't know him and as other have pointed out, he doesn't sound like a stable person. I had even actually told him in the beginning that I would like to be there at least the first few times, once my son got used to him he could take him by himself but he refused.
Now another question. My cell phone messed up a couple times, and was sending text messages meant for only 1 person to everyone on my contact list, including my ex. The texts didn't say anything about him, me and her were just chatting/teasing each other. I IMed him and explained to him the situation, but then he told a mutual friend he'd get me for phone harassment. Can he do that?

No.

I mean he could try and file something but frankly, he is not going to get anywhere, and it really just sounds like he wants something to moan and groan and whine about when it comes to you.

He's likely extremely immature and I would just not bother to talk to him except for very brief interactions if it has to do with the child.

Thanks everyone for your replies/opinions. I am currently waiting the results of the DNA test. It has been 4 weeks today and it can take 4-6 weeks to come back. We will see how he acts once the DNA comes back. I will keep everyone updated.

Is there a chance the baby is not his?

Absolutely not. He is the one who demanded the dna test. In Ohio paternity has to be established before child support gets ordered unless the alleged father agrees the baby is his and signs a waiver. He was the only person I was with all summer long last year.

Hey ladies. I did get my DNA test back and he is 99.99999% my son's father! Just like I told him he was.
We have agreed to meet tommorow to discuss things, and afterwards he is going to meet our son. He finally understands that I know what is best for our son and I need to be there. I told him flat-out I am not entrusting my precious baby to someone I don't trust myself. We have a court date September 28th for child support. We are hoping to come to an agreement on the visitation schedule and then put it on paper. I am just hoping this works.
I don't understand why he said he wants to meet me first, then after we talk he wants to meet our son. It's not like he is going to understand what we are talking about anyways. So I guess we will see what happens.

Along with what has been offered by the other members, I'd like to recommend to you that you continue to keep and maintain your communications records with him. I really think it would be best if you could come to equitable agreements, but until that's all done I think it best to be prepared for a fight if necessary.

thanks for all the advice everyone..I will keep it in mind