? about friendships

Colt has been best friends with this little girl, Ashlyn, since the end of Kindy. They've always been two peas in a pod, inseperable, and honest to goodness really good friends to each other.

Lately Colt has gotten to know this other little girl, which is fine, I always stress that you can have more than one friend. But since he started hanging around this new girl, he's leaving Ashlyn out and her feelings are very hurt. She's mentioned to me a few times that he doesn't play with her anymore, and today she wrote him a note asking if he was still her friend

I'm trying to keep my own bias out of this, because I absolutely adore Ashlyn and her family and have my own secret hopes that when they're 30, her and Colt will run into each other somewhere and end up falling in love and getting married

I know at this age that friendships can be a day to day thing, but I've been trying to tell Colt that just because he has a "new" friend he shouldn't ignore someone who has been such a true friend for this long, and that he should apologize for hurting her feelings and try to include her more. He wasn't her only friend, but Kylie told me Ashlyn gets sad at lunch if Colt saves a seat for Roseanna instead of her or doesn't want to play their usual games at recess.

Do I have to butt out? It's not just my affection for Ashlyn, I'm also trying to teach him how to be a good friend, but am I just ridiculously over invested in this friendship? Do I have to just let them do their thing and not worry so much over Ashlyn's feelings getting hurt by my kid?

Hmmm, tough one. I know what you mean about not knowing how much we should be invested in their relationships. I think it would suck to be on the other end, to be the parent of the kid that is heartbroken. In that case, you would try to give your child advice, right? So, I think it is also your responsibility to talk to him about how Ashlyn must feel. It sounds like you've done that, so I am not sure what else you could do. It's not like you can force him to play with her. Maybe try some role playing with some barbies and a soldier doll... and in the role playing come up with some ideas to include all friends. Just a thought, I'm really not much help.

that is a tough one. I would maybe just talk to colt about playing with both little girls and saying something about how they could ALL be best friends. I dont know if it would work or not. KUP

I think that might be part of what bothers me....I don't know what Ashlyn is telling her mom and I don't want her to think I'm not trying to teach Colt the right thing. Her mom is a friend of mine, we actually became friends because of Colt and Ashlyns friendship, but I feel like it would be weird to talk to her about it.

We've talked about what it would feel like if it was the other way around, but maybe the role playing would help it sink in a little more.

funny you should mention this, Monica, I was just telling a friend of mine last night about something that I did when I was 10--I was really good friends with a girl called Francine all thru elementary and we always had a good time together and she really was my BFF. Anyway, fast forward to 4th grade, we were 10 and a girl named Lisa came to our school. Lisa and I became fast friends and she was really popular...part of the "in crowd". Francine was not a loser, outcast or unpopular, not even close, she just wasn't one of those "popular" girls so Lisa (and a few others) convinced me that I should dump Francine and I'll instantly become much more popular. So I did. It was awful, Francine was crying, calling me and asking me why I wanted to dump her, etc. My mom told me she didn't approve and tried to change my mind but IMO my mom did not go far enough, she should have stopped my friendship with Lisa if she could have because sure, I joined the in crowd and I didn't like them much...I missed Francine who eventually went to a different school and while we reconnected in sixth grade because I decided to call her out of the blue and we did hang out some after school, even though we went to different schools, it was never the same and tbh, silly as it may sound, I miss her to this day and regret what I did to this day.
If any kid of mine ever does that you better believe I will step in and do something about it, what I did to Francine is unforgivable and like I said, it bothers me to this day.
I realize that Colt being a boy is not actively making a decision to dump a girl and is a bit younger than I was when all this happened but a BFF is hard to find and not easy to replace and a friendship like that should be cherished at all costs IMO.

You are doing the right thing by making him aware of what he is doing to Ashlyn's feelings.

Really, at that age they do go from friend to friend. But it doesn't mean that he won't come back around to Ashlyn eventually.

Maddie plays with everyone in her grade. There is no one she doesn't like to play with. However, each month she has a new BFF and that is who she spends the most time with. In first grade it was a little more difficult for her to understand when her friends preferred to spend more time with someone other than her, but eventually she found someone else to hang out with. And I like that b/c they are exposed to more and it teaches them how to be a friend and that not everyone is the same, has the same preferences, etc. Besides, they just get tired of one another so quickly. Imagine only having one friend, how boring that would be.

It's hard not to get involved. Maddie was often visibly upset on the playground by her friends leaving her out. But, she's been on both sides. And it's just something we all go through. We just learn to deal with it in time. Ashlyn will learn to deal, too. More than likely she will find another friend to occupy her time. Colt cannot be guilted into or out of a friendship, he has to explore relationships for himself. I'm not implying that you are giving him a guilt trip. I think what you are saying to him is great. He has to be aware of other's feelings and it might even make him feel good that Ashlyn cares and values their friendship. If he is saying hurtful things to Ashlyn, that is where you would definitely step in. But, I don't see Colt doing that.

You know, Aimee does make some good points -- especially that we really can't guilt or force our kids into retaining a friendship. I think it is appropriate to talk about being considerate to others, but yet he can't be responsible for everyone's feelings. It's a thin line... and maybe one he will have to figure out himself. I know I sound like I am contradicting my last post, but what Aimee said made a lot of sense.

Jacob has been on both ends of this. it's tough to deal with. being rejected hurt but i explained to him that friends may not always be with us all the time but that doesn't mean they don't still care... just that their life is moving in a different direction. i use myself as an example because MANY of my friends lose touch for months at a time but we pick up right where we left off. life just gets busy and there is no benefit of holding grudges when it's more fun to just be friends again.

when i have asked about some of the kids he used to hang with, he just tells me they grew apart and like different things now. i always remind him not to judge or burn bridges and he seems to understand and respect that.

keep us posted.

Thanks all. I thought about it quite a bit today and think I'm letting my own wants get way too involved because I think she's been a great friend to him, and is a very good influence. He said today that he gave Ashlyn a note saying he will always be her friend and "soree" if he hasn't been. (Where they get the time to do this, I have no idea and didn't want to tackle today )

We had another talk about it today, and covered what most of you have said...I reiterated that I'm not trying to "make" him be friends with her, or not be friends with other kids, and said I'm just trying to help him learn how to be a good friend. I tried to explain that sometimes we don't do anything wrong and peoples feelings still get hurt, but that we don't want to hurt someone on purpose. Like Dee Dee said, I don't want to go too far and have him feel responsible for everyone. It's taken me my whole life to stop doing that

I think you're right, it is something we all have to kind of fumble through and learn on our own. This is one of those instances for me thats hard to sit back and let that happen, especially because I hate the thought that my child (who is usually kind and compassionate) is hurting someone else . But I'm pretty satisfied with the conversation we had today, and think I'll back off from here and see what happens.

DH's advice was "Just stay away from the girls, it only gets worse"