Our Angel, Joshua Lee, (stillbirth mentioned)

Since many of you have shared the stories of your Angels with me, I thought I would share with you our Angel, Joshua Lee. I haven't shared his picture or story with too many people outside of our families.

I just opened his baby box and spent an hour going through all of his mementos, and I can't believe that after all of these years, his blanket still smells like him. So please bear with me, I am very emotional right now.

I was a little over 5 months pregnant when Joshua was born -- he was stillborn. He only weighed .4oz and was 22-1/2 cm long. Having Joshua grow inside of me for 5 months and then going through labor and giving birth knowing that he would not be here on this earth with us was the hardest thing I have ever done. He had Trisomy 18, a condition which very few babies make it full term -- they call it a "condition not compatible with life." I have to say, those were the most heart-breaking words I have ever heard. Just the thought of those words still tear right through me.

After Joshua was born, I was afraid to see him. I was afraid that I didn't have the strength to hold my precious baby knowing that I would never be able to snuggle up next to him, change his diaper, feed him, comfort him, rock him on a restless night, or any other act of love by a mother. I would never hear him cry or see his first smile or watch him take his first steps. All the thoughts and dreams I had about my baby when I was pregnant were shattered. I just didn't think I would have the strength to face him. But, with a little encouragement from my husband, the pastor and the nurses, I decided I wanted to see him.

When they brought him to me and put him in my arms, I couldn't believe how beautiful he was. Until that moment, I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I already did. I put his tiny little hands in mine -- they were so perfect. He had the cutest baby feet I had ever seen and his skin was so soft. Rodney and I studied every part of him, we held him, cuddled him, and cherished every moment with him. Then, it was time to say our good-byes. We said a prayer and I felt my heart sink again. I found it hard to breathe as it was time to let him go... again.

Looking back now, I am so thankful that the people around me convinced me to see Joshua. I am thankful that I had that time with Joshua and that I had a chance to say good-bye. For the longest time, I was so angry with God for letting this happen. I also thought that I was being punished for doing something wrong... if only I were a better person then Joshua would be here with us. Now I know it was God that surrounded me with loving people and gave me the strength to make it through all of this. I do find some comfort knowing that Joshua is in God's hands. But, I still miss him terribly. Someone once asked me that if I was given the choice to either do it all over again or never be pregnant with Joshua, what I would do. You may find it weird, but I would choose to do it again. Although it was the hardest and saddest thing I have ever gone through, I am so thankful for the 5 months that we had together -- and being able to know the kind of love a Mom feels for her child.

Thanks for listening to my story. I am sorry if I babbled on.

Meet Joshua Lee:

Here's a picture of his cute little feet

OH he is so beautiful. A little angel. I cried reading your story. I know though what you mean about bieng pregnant with joshua again or not at all and picking being preg... I feel the same way with jordan. Even though it was painful losing my jordan having him grow inside my belly and bond with him means the world to me.

You are a very strong woman and mom!!!!!!!

Thank you Dee Dee, for sharing your story. I have never been through anything like that and I can only imagine how heart-breaking it was for you.

He is a beautiful little boy. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Thank you, Dee Dee for sharing your story. I cried reading it. You're very strong to share that; I've never been through anything like that, so I can only imagine how you must have felt. He's a beautiful little boy, and his footprints are adorable.

Thanks for sharing him with us!

AWw Dee Dee thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I can't imagine the heartbreak you went through. He is so handsome. The footprints are just too darn cute!! I am so glad you have momentos to help you remember what a special boy you have. Thanks again.

Oh DeeDee, Thanks so much for sharing that story with us. He is a doll!! What cute footprints!!! I know how heartbreaking that was for you, my friend went through a similar situation.

thank you for sharing your story!! You are such a strong person!!!
I had a Friend who had a baby due to a terrible syndrome. He died shortly after he was born and OH he was beautiful too!!
Joshua is so lucky to have you for parents and I am sure he watches over you daily!! What a beautiful baby and I am sure he has a beautiful spirit!!

((((DeeDee))))

I am so sorry for your loss. Joshua looks like such an angel! Thank you for sharing your story, i know it couldn't have been easy for you.

what a precious little guy, I know you are glad to have held him in your arms, if only for a moment. You will hold him in your heart forever.

DeeDee, thanks for sharing your story with us. I can't imagine what you've went through. Joshua is a beautiful little boy and one day soon you'll be holding him again. :hugs:

awe, I can't imagine what kind of pain you went through, your story made me cry how heartbreaking. Thank-you for sharing your story with us, your little boy is beautiful

He is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I read your story this morning but couldn't bring myself to reply until now! I've never experienced anything like that, but seeing his little body my heart breaks for you! I'm so glad you got to treasure those brief moments with your son! Thank You so much for sharing your story with all of us!

Your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it with us. God bless you.

Thank you for having the strength to share your story with us and the pictures of your beautiful angel. It must be heartbreaking for you, still to think about him and hold his blanket in your arms. Your story touched my heart in a way that I have never been touched. I have never known anyone go through such heart ache and come out such a loving, giving and caring person. I am sure you find comfort in knowing that you will hold him again one day.

Beautiful baby boy--thank you for honoring us by sharing your story and Joshua's pictures.

DeeDee thankyou for sharing your story and pics with us. Joshua truly is a beautiful baby boy.

Thank you for sharing your story Dee Dee. That must have been so hard to go through. You loved him so much that you helped him to grow as much as he could grow---you were a gift to him, as he was a gift to you.

Thank you for sharing you story, I knew when it happend but I never fully understood what happend, now I do, and I am sad for you and admire you for being that strong. Well both of you, are very stong and blessed.

Joshua is such a handsome little angel! Thank you so much for sharing him with us.

What a heartbreaking story, Dee Dee, I'm so sorry. It seems that you are as at peace as a parent can be after a loss like that, and I think it's so important that you were able to preserve your memories of Joshua with pictures and things of his. Someday, you'll be able to share these things with Ashley, so she can know a little about her big brother. Thanks for sharing such a big part of your life with us.

Jeanne

im sorry i didnt see your story before Dee Dee...your are so strong and such a beautiful and wonderful mom!!! Your little joshua was a VERY beautiful baby! Thank you for sharing your story!!! (((((BIG HUGS)))))

Thank you very much for sharing your story with all of us. It made me cry to think about what going through that must have been like. You have a lot of strength and hope--it is inspiring!

I was very touched by this story..I am so sorry for your loss. One day you will be reunited with Joshua. He is a beautiful baby with very cute adorable feet! You are a very strong person to have endured that, I cannot imagine how you got through it, it goes to show that you are a truly special person and how much love you had for him to not take for granted the time you did have with him. I always knew it would be a blessing to have a baby growing inside of me, I never knew the love I would immediately feel and the bond that would grow that is such a love not matched in itself. You are so strong and I feel honored to have read your story about your precious son.