Well I thought I would share my misscariage story first. Me and dh weren't married yet and I was living at home. Or actually I should say my family was living with me because of financial problems. Anyways, dh found out his next duty station was going to be in Duluth Minnesota so me and my mom drove him up and dropped him off...I lived in Rock Island Illinois. We planned for him to come back around June 27th,,pack up the uhaul truck and be in our new apartment by the first. On June 20th or so I got my aunt flo but immediately it struck me as wierd. It wasn't really like blood , but a darker color and kind of spotty. So I was pretty sure I was pregnant, however I took a test and it came out negative. The next day my best friend threw me a going away party and I told her about it. She told me to take another one in a couple days. On July 23rd I took one in the morning before going to work and I almost threw it away thinking it was negative but then I saw a faint line making the test positive. I told my mom on the way to work that when I got off I wanted to go to the emergency room to get it confirmed and to get checked out cause I had a feeling that even though I was pregnant, something was probably wrong because #1 I was bleeding like I was on my period and #2 the test line was so faint. Leithan already knew that the test came out positive and he was so exited and when I realized how exited he was I told him not to get too exited because I thought something was wrong. I felt like a horrible person telling him that, but I just had this bad feeling. I wanted to be exited and happy,,but I couldn't be. I had to hold it together and brace myself for bad news. After I got off work I went with my mom to the emergency room and they gave me a pregnancy test and when the doctor said it was positive all the sudden all that I had braced myself for, all the exitement I didn't want to have came rushing in without my permission. I was so happy. In a way I guess that I thought maybe I wasn't pregnant and when the words came out of his mouth it made it real. The doctor sent me over to get an ultra sound because of the spotting. The lady ran the wand over my stomach and said that she didn't see anything. The bad part is that I knew she was going to say that when she ran the wand over my stomach, it was like dejavoo (sp?). Like I had already heard her say it. She tried to reasure me that it was probably because the baby was probably too small,,,so she did an internal u/s. Still nothing. Again she said it was probably because the baby was still small. When she pulled the wand out I noticed alot of blood. And this time it was red blood. Me and my mom went back into the examining room and waited for the doctor. When the doctor came in he told me that they couldn't find the baby and believed that I was already misccarying. My little sister called my moms cell and told her to call leithan because he was worried and panicking so my mom went out of the room to call him. Meanwhile the doctor came back in and told me he wanted to do and internal exam really fast. He was really rough and I was crying. When he pulled his fingers out he asked me if I knew the difference between spotting and bleeding, because his fingers had blood on them. I snapped back at him that I wasn't bleeding until the u/s and yes I knew the difference.Then he left. The nurse came back in with my discharge papers and gave me a number of an obgyn to call in the morning to go for more tests. I was hysterical at this point. The doctor never finished telling me what was going on he just left. The nurse held me for a couple minutes until my mom came back. When we got home, my mom was pissed and called the nurse to ask her if she could give her more information on what was going on, but the doctor came onto the phone and appologized for the way he acted. He said he didn't realize how he came off until his nurse pointed it out to him. He said that he gave the nurse the obgyn number to give me because he rarely works with pregnant women and was the on call physician and thought she could handle it better. I called Leithan and told him what was going on and he started crying. He was at subway eating lunch when I told him. I could barely even talk because I was so upset. I was more upset with how the doctor treated me then with the misscariage itself I think. If I was misscarrying I could take that and be strong, but I don't like being brushed off and not told what is going on. So in the morning I went to see the female obgyn and she sent me to the lab and told me to go home and rest and keep my feet elevated while waiting for the hcg level results. I kept calling for the results and of course they were never in. Finally when I called the lady said the hcg levels were going up....and I got exited, but then she said that she read it wrong and they were indeed going down so I was miscarrying. I was actually not realieved, but stronger when I knew the truth. I knew what was going on and I could take that in stride and be positive about it. Meanwhile Leithans mom called and asked me to call and talk to him and reassure him that it wasn't the end of the world. He had called his mom pretty upset and she couldn't calm him down. She told me that all his life he has wanted to be a dad so bad. I think I loved him so much more at that point. When I called to talk to him he explained to me that he was so upset because of how upset I was, he never wants to hear me cry like that again. He also felt guilty because he wasn't there to be with me. But I explained to him that the end result would be the same and I was alright. He came down the next day to pick me up and we talked alot and decided that we wanted to get married and try for another baby right away ( we origionally wanted to wait 2 years into our marriage). We planned to get married in Las Vegas on September 4th and try for a baby when we got back,,,well she decided to change our plans and found out I was pregnant a couple days before leaving for Las Vegas. Sometimes I feel like I cheat Mckaylee and the baby I lost sometimes. When I found out I was pregnant with Mckaylee I was extremely exited but not as exited as the first time I heard that I was pregnant. And with the baby I lost, I always think that if I would have had it, would I have had the same baby?..KWIM?...I can't imagine life without my big cheeked baby. And I can't picture my baby any other way. Sometimes I feel a little guilty for being more exited hearing about being pregnant with one and loving the one thats in my life so much. So I guess I feel like what I cheat one, I hold a good memory with the other. But both are in my heart in 2 extremely different ways. I think what happened to me was bad,,but I got through it, but I think there is alot of credit deserved to women who have lost babies further along. You ladies are so strong. Some of you got to feel and see and even hold your babies. I never did, but Im somwhat glad I didn't because I don't know if I could be that strong. I know its mean to say this, but sometimes I wish I never took that pregnancy test. I would have never known. I never got cramps or anything. I just knew my body. But if I would have ignored it, I really would have never known. I can't wait to have another one though. But not for a couple years. Right now all my attention goes to my baby now...Good luck to those who have lost and are still trying. Stay strong.