"Ugliness", 17 yo dd thinks she's ugly -- suicidal

Hi, I’m susie, I’m new here.
I just need a place to vent about the frustration w/ my teenage daughter and her selfesteem issues and maybe a place where I can find help.

She constantly calls herself ugly. She hates going out in public bc she has this fear that people look at her and laugh or think about how ugly she is. She goes to parties a bunch but before all of them she neverously breaks down saying she won’t go. She’s thinking about not going to university next year bc she thinks she won’t find friends because she’s ugly. BTW she isn’t ugly at all she is absolutely gorgeous IMHO. If I try and tell her that though she goes “You’re my mom, you have to say I’m beautiful.” And then she will start to punch herself or physicly abuse herself in another way. I go to her and hold her to stop her and tell her I love her and she says “No you don’t love me, nobody could love something like me.” And goes into a fit of crying.

She has had around 3 boyfriends in her life and all of which have cheated on her. She thinks that it is bc shes ugly and bc of that she will never find love. I tell her that she is still young and she can still find people and that not having a boyfriend isn’t the end of the world. She says that she will never find love bc of how she looks and she doesn’t want to end up alone. Then more crying.

I was on the computer typing up something and accidently came across a suicidal letter she had written to god and saved on here.

The letter:
“God, this is Bridget. I need you right now. I need you more than anything. God I’m sorry for my sins, please forgive me. I honestly do everything with good intent. I try my best to help people, and to make them happy. But I can’t be like this always. Deep inside I’m hurting, God. I’m hurting. My body and heart can’t go on. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me. Please, what’s wrong with me? God, I thank you for this life on Earth. I thank you for my good health, for money, for friendship, for all of the good times I have had in life. I’ve ruined this life, I’ve wrecked it. I’m a waste of this body. I haven’t done what I’m meant to do, and I apologize for not being able to fulfill the life you have set out for me. I can’t continue to go on in life without love. I’ll always feel empty, as if something, some part of me is missing. I will never find this part of me here on Earth. There is nothing for me here. I do not want to continue life without some form of love. I’ve been heartbroken so many times here, and each time I get back up, I act like nothing happened. I have tried for you God. I’ve tried to make this world complete, I’ve tried to be with happy with what I have, and I failed. It drills a hole in my heart every time I fall in love with someone, they find a way to take my heart and break it, to make me feel as if I am worthless to this world. I’ve come to the conclusion of suicide. God, forgive me for this. I’m sorry I couldn’t do what I was meant to do. I’m sorry I was too weak to continue on with this life. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry that I was so selfish like this. I know my family and friends will be hurt. But God, please do me a favor. Please God, make my family and friends be strong through this. Give them the strength to stay alive and to remember me in their hearts, but not miss me. They shall not grieve for me or mourn me. I don’t want that. I want for them to be okay, and for them to be happy in life. Don’t let them suffer like I’ve suffered.”

It worries me so much. I just want her to feel safe and secure and let her know life isn’t that bad. Shes a really good girl too. But she fights me all the time about anything and everything, and so one time her dad started yelling at her to cut the drama. She ran to the kitchen and took a knife cut her arm to show its not just drama. I have talked to her about seeing a counselor or telling someone about it and she refuses. Her dad threatened to take her to a therapist after she was having a breakdown and she said “If you ever take me there I WILL kill myself”. And its just the looks in her eyes its so scary.

I feel like I failed her like I’m a bad mom because my girl is so beautiful and yet she has this horrible image of herself in her head and wants to end her life. Ive done everything I can think of to help her. I just don’t know what else to do. It is so sad. Every time I see her like that I feel like crying.

sorry for so much writing. thx to all who read it.

And heres a picture of my beautiful little girl… she looks so happy. I just wish she could FEEL happy too.

Hi Susie...

Sounds like your family is going through some really rough times. Your daughter is very beautiful. She needs some serious help that you are unable to provide. If she's writing suicidal notes...she's doing more than threatening. She needs you to help her get that help. Even if she resists and tells you she hates you and all the other stuff. She still wants the help. I encourage you to seek out what she needs.

Good Luck and many prayers for you and your family




BTW...Welcome to the board...there's some great folks here!

Oh my heart goes out to you and your daughter.

My name is Ann, and I'm 23 years old.

I want to share a story with you. I had a good friend, since Kindergarten, commit suicide our Sophmore year in High School. He was very good looking, super funny, he was very popular, he had the best parents who truely loved him, he was an athlete. He was someone you would suspect that anything was wrong. The last time I saw him at a party, we talked and laughed. I had no indication, that he was going to commit suicide that weekend. I wish I would've known, I wish I could've been there for him.
A few weeks after his funeral, I ran into his Mom. She has known me since I was a little girl. She gave me a big hug, and I went to visit her at her house. She said that there was signs that he was struggling. She had taken him to therapy, and he was doing a lot better once he got on anti-depressants. On his own, he thought he could get off of the meds. And it went down hill from there. One of the things she said to me, that I will never forget, is she said, "Ann, I wish I would've done more for my son. I did show him love, but I didn't interveine. I thought all teenagers go through a phase like this, and didn't take it as seriously as I should have."
I saw your picture of your daughter. And she is absolutly BEAUTIFUL! Most girls would do anything to look like her. But your daughter see's a distorted version of herself. No matter how many times people tell her that she IS beautiful, it won't make a difference. She has very serious body issues. And extremly low self esteem. But it's MUCH MORE than that. She is severly depressed. This type of depression needs medical and phycological treatment. She may also be suffering from an eating disorder.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS CRYING OUT TO YOU.....BEGGING YOU TO INTERVIENE!!! I know that she says she will kill herself if you do, but trust me...people who want help do drastic things to get attention so that you will do something about it. She cut her arm to get a reaction out of you. It is a desperate act for someone to take control, and get her the help she needs. I remember in elementary school I wanted to kill myself. My parents had just gotten a divorce, and our home life was in shambles. In 6th grade I took a razor blade and tried to cut my wrist. It was my way of telling my parents, "I HAVE LOST CONTROL....HELP ME BEFORE I DO SOMETHING!" My parents got me the help I needed, and after counseling, a few months later I was doing good.
You have all the proof you need, it's right in front of you. I know you love your daughter, and that's why you came here...to get support and help.
If she was my daughter, I would take her ASAP to a pysh. hospital. I would get a counselor that specialized in eating diorders, body image issues, and manic depressants. She may hate me at the moment, but at least I could rest at night knowing I didn't have to walk in to see my daughters suicide letter next to her.
Everytime I think about my friend who killed himself, I wish I would've known that something was wrong. And I know his mother wishes she would've done more.
It's not to late. Your daughter is still with you.....and you have an opportunity to make a difference in her life, and her future. She is counting on you.
I am praying for you. And may God bless you and your daughter. I will be sending you a PM (personal message).

Ann

Hi Susie,
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I don't have teens yet but I would say your daughter definitely needs help you can't give her. She may not be open to it because she just can't be, but I think you have to do it regardless of what she says. It sounds like one of those situations where the parent just has to do what they know is right for their child.

She is, by the way, absolutely gorgeous.

Best wishes and prayers for you and your family.

I agree with Ann

Good luck and dont wait another day

Get her help and get it now, before she turns 18. I agree with Ann, she is suffering from body issues, self esteem issues and depression. I have been there, too. Nothing you SAY will make a difference, but anything you can DO will. And please take her threats seriously. Call a therapist and tell them about the note and her threatening herself with a knife. But do it today. If they aren't open, call the local emergency room. Suicidal impulses are always taken seriously.

I really urge you to print off this letter and take your daughter to your local hospital. If she is talking about suicide, then they will definately admitt her for an evaluation. She may just be suffering some form of depression. I know that your daughter may be angry with you at first, but you need to think of her safety. Please get help for her soon! Being in the hospital isn't like it was back in the 50's. It's a lot different. Talk to her friends and see if they have any other concerns that she may not be telling you!

My prayers are with you and your family!

Wow!!! What a heartbreaking story. I know that I don't have a teenager yet, but as someone who has suffered for the last 10 years of my life with clinical severe depression, let me just tell you that everyone that is urging you to take your daughter to a hospital is right.

When I was a teenager, my parents just thought I was dramatic, and they just shuffled me to the next psychologist here or there. And my dad is very well trained in the feild of psychology (he almost majored in it in college), and was very much so against me taking any antideppressants as a teenager. I didn't like talking to the pshychologists because they always seemed to look at me the same way my parents did-as a very overly dramatic person. But I can tell you I hid all of my suicidal feelings from everyone in my life for a lot of years. So, if you're finding suicide letters that she's not even telling you about, then she needs desperate help-NOW!!! I cut my wrists for a lot of years without anyone knowing. Then, when I was about 21 or so, I took a bunch of pills and finally ended up in the hospital. It was then that I got the diagnosis that I am clinically severely depressed. And I was put on meds and therapy immediately. Then, over time, everything got better.

I tell you my story so that you can see that there is hope for you and your daughter. (Who, by the way is absolutely gorgeous!!!) It still gets to me that I hurt everyone I love so much, but I can say that she needs to know that you do love her and do take her threats serioulsy.

I think that the advice that Cam's Mom gave you is right on the money. She may say that she'll kill herself if you try and help her, but I think that not helping is that absolute worst thing that you can do. She's crying out in a very seriuos way. And believe me, things do get better. Just keep surrounding her with your love. Over time, with professional help, she'll see all of the love that you and your family really have for her, and she'll be better off. It's just going to take a lot of time, but, like I said, things do get better!!!

I hope that I could be of some help here. And I have best wishes for you and your family!!!

Thankyou everyone, you have all been remarkably nice and supporting and understanding  you are all nice people.

I’ve talked to my daughter about seeing someone and she thinks I think she’s crazy. She says she won’t go but I’m going to take her anyways. I just want her to be okay.

This may be a stupid question, but should I take her right to the mental hospital (can’t remember the nicer name for it) after school or try and find a therapist? If so, how would I find a way to contact one?

Once again, thanks for the support.

Susie
I am glad you had a talk with your daughter.

I think you need to reassure her that you don't think she's "crazy" but that she needs to see someone about her feelings, and that depression is very common and treatable. She needs to know that you are doing this out of LOVE, and that a lot of people have felt the way she does, and with treatment...it can get better.

To find a local therapist, you can go online and do a search in your town, or look in the yellow pages. There are also a organization for Christian counselors as well.

You know in your heart if your daughter should go straight away to a Psych. Hospital. In my opionion, I feel she should. In your daughters eyes, she will NOT understand. She may even feel betrayed. But you know now that she needs help, and you are doing it out of love.

Soon she will look back, with a whole new outlook on this situation. She will see with a clear vision and know that you did the right thing. And she will be greatful. But until then, stay strong and stay focused on the future. It will be hard at first, but the end result will be so great.

I know this isn't going to be an easy road for you & your husband, or for your daughter. But it's a lot easier than losing your daughter.

Don't go through this alone. Know that there is a reason you came to this board, and that we are here for you. If you have to post 100 times a day, we will support you.

Please, please keep us updated on your decision and how things go.



Ann

This post has been edited by CAMSMOM1 on Jan 16 2006, 09:19 PM

This may be a dumb question because of her age, but does she still see a pediatrician/family doctor? Maybe you could call for their opinion? IMO, if she's threatened to do it when you've suggested counseling I'd go all the way right off the bat .... I'd be afraid to give her time to make good on it.

Your family is in my prayers.

I'm glad that you have spoken to your daughter about this. Assure her that you don't think she is crazy! I would definately take her into your local ER, I'm not sure about a phsyciatric facility, if they would take her because of her age. But at the ER they would know what to do. I agree also that you should talk to her doctor/pediatrician for some more answers! Good Luck!

Oprah had a show back in December called "Too Ugly to Live". It was about people with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It sounds to me that your daughter might be suffering from that. I've attached the link to Oprah's website about the show. Take a look at it and maybe mention it when you go to the doctor. Good luck! We are praying for you!!

http://boards.oprah.com/WebX?13@31.5IWDc9Jbvod.3@.f0b7768

I wonder what happened to Susie and her daughter? I sure hope they are doing ok.

Just look up counseling in the phone book, or psychotherapy. If you have to, tell her you have an appointment for family counseling, not just her, tell her you think maybe you are the one who needs help, to be better able to communicate with her...whatever you have to say, say it.

Do you think she was abused by any of her boyfriends? Maybe there was one who told her she was ugly all the time, or broke up with her by saying she was ugly...you never know. But whatever triggered her change, does need dealt with and pronto. I also agree with others, don't discount the value of medication. Sometimes, they just need to get the switch to flip in their brains, to move things from negative to a positive outlook.

I'm keeping your daughter in my prayers. Please let us know how things are going!

I'm 18 years old. I know how hard it can be. I'm not all that pretty myself. Personally I think your daughter is beautiful. When I was younger, like elementary school age I was picked on a lot about my freckles. This put my self esteem way down especially since I had no real friends. Then once I got into middle school I was a bit more confident about myself and I got new friends and I got happier. By the time I got into High School I just shut out what others said about me. I decided I wouldn't care what others thought just as long as I had my friends I was fine. I had a positive attitude about everything even if I did something to make myself look bad. Sometimes having a positive outlook was hard but I wanted it bad enough because I knew how bad it would hurt inside if I didn't. In the tenth grade I lost all but one really good friend. Not all of it was my fault they just decided it was time to go their own seperate ways. But it hurt me all the same. That summer I got pregnant with my first child. Of course it had nothing to do with being depressed about anything don't get me wrong I'm not saying your daughter is going to go get herself pregnant I'm just telling you that's where my life as a high schooler ended pretty much except for the half a year of eleventh grade that I.....endured. Anyways getting to the point try to get her to have a more positive outlook on life not worrying about what people think of you is hard sometimes but it's much easier than worrying constantly about how you look or if your doing the wrong thing. I'm not quite sure how you would get her to do this though. Maybe try the direct approach. Or talk to one of her good friends and see if they might be able to help. Buy her Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul I'm sure she'll be inspired by it. (Sorry for the whole "life story" thing but I was trying to explain my point and I always seem to talk a lot when I'm doing that) Anyways you and your daughter are in my prayers. I hope that she finally realizes how beautiful she really is inside and out.

With my love,
Crystal