Picking between my daughter/son/Boyfriend, Father of my 2nd Child and my 1st born

I need help/suggestions/ideas:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and we have a son together. Before we had our son, my b/f was really good to my daughter. Now, it's all about his son and neglects my daughter. He says he will never be able to treat my daughter as his own and she will always take 2nd place to her little brother. I am afraid that if I decide to marry him, I will always be spending more time with my daughter to make up for the time her step father will not spend with her. Then in return ruining the relationship that my son and I could have because my son may think I love his sister more, but that wouldn't be the fact. I love my son's father. He makes me very happy in many senses, but he lacks the like "fatherly" love for my daughter. She deserves to be loved just like her brother. I don't know if I can live my life with a man that treats my daughter as second best, but her brother deserves to have his father in life too. What do you think?

I'm sorry to hear your in this situation. I know you are not me but I couldn't marry somone who dodn't love both of my children. your Son may be his but your son and daughter are both you and if he loves you for real he'd love ALL of you.

I wish you and your children the best.

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a hard set of life choices, but I think you've already answered your own questions. I always look at it this way, we choose our relationships, but our kids don't have any choice; they're stuck with what we, as the adults in their lives, give them. I agree that I wouldn't be able to stay with a person who admits that one of my children would play second fiddle to a biological child. This is a recipe for angry backlash in your daughter as she grows and understands that the person she knows as dad doesn't feel she is worthy of love and affection on an equal level with her brother.

It is Cinderella in real life, but in most cases like this there is no happy ending. In my opinion your b/f's admission is further admission that he is too immature to be a good father to either of your kids. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel.

I agree. Sounds very immature. Not to mention a very hurtful thing to say.

If he didn't want to love and be a father to your child then he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a woman who already had a child. Both children under 1 roof should be treated equally. You don't have to marry a man who fathered your child...he can still be a father to his child. Marrying a man who doesn't consider your daughter is putting your daughter in a hurtful and difficult situation in my opinion.

How sad this is.

I understand what you're saying here, but she said he was very good to her daughter before their son. It would seem the birth of "his" son affected him. To be honest, I can see how he would feel more of a connection to his biological son than her daughter, but that's no excuse.

To the poster:

Do you think this is just a phase? Like a "new dad" phase? Not that it justifies it, but you know him better than we do. Do you think he will get over it, even though he says different?

The only advice I have is this..

When someone tells you who they are believe them!

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation... sometimes men can be so immature, which in your case I think he is very much so. I would have to agree with the other posters on this one. You should not have to chose, he is just being dumb.

Hope everything works out in the end... Hugs to you and your little ones

Im sorry to hear this. Im really not sure what I would do in this situation. I think you should talk to him about and let him know how you feel about it. Tell him that you dont think you can be with him if he is going to treat your daughter as second best.

The only advice I have is this..

When someone tells you who they are believe them! [QUOTE]


ITA with Mel.
Your 1st obligation is to your child. Period.

Have you tried talking to your BF about how he is treating your daughter? Part of it may be the fact that you have a "son" together too. Not only because you and him have a child together, but a "boy." I can also understand where he would feel closer to his own natural child. That is very normal. Just because he says his son would come first doesn't mean he doesn't love your daughter. If he is abusing her, ignoring her or just outwardly being hurtful to her then there is a problem, but just saying his own natural born son would be more important to him sounds normal to me. I wouldn't expect someone to love my kids exactly the same as I do if they weren't their natural kids. As long as they weren't downright mean to them and treated them nice and loved them though it wouldn't matter to me if they put their own children first before mine. I don't think he meant his comment in the way that everyone is taking it, but that's just me. Yes it's probably wrong that he would even say such a thing in the first place, but atleast he is being honest with you.

This post has been edited by mommyangie on Jun 29 2005, 06:44 PM

i guess you should have a talk regarding favoritism. in the first place, before you got into the relationship, he already knew that you have a daughter..

Same here

I know what you mean - when my dad started dating his gf - she has a daughter that's 2 years older than me.

We were always treated the same - generally - however, NATURALLY, my stepsister has a better relationship with her mother and I have a better relationship with my father.

A biological child is a serious thing for some people.

It's like the coupel who adopts and gets pregnant shortly after - of COURSE they might feel closer to their biological child - it's human nature. I think you need to discuss this seriously with him.

You said that he treated your daughter fine before the new baby - how new is the baby?

Does he NEGLECT your daughter? or just doesn't spend as much time with her? From a parent's point of view - your child will always come before someone else's child. It mght be hard for you to relate - since they're both your children - but only your son is your bf<s child. He accepted your daughter into his life - but as mean or harsh as this might sound - he is in no way responsible for her and subconciously is favoring his own biological child. It could just be that.

Talk to him - maybe even to a therapist. It could just be a thing of human nature....