New here, and I need serious advice, I'm worried about my daughter

My daughter is 16, and already a really talented girl. She plays guitar and sings for a band, "black metal" she calls it. I saw one live show, and had to walk out. This is where my problem comes in. Melina was dressed in a skin-tight leather dress that had chains for straps and laced up the back like a corset, and for the first time I realized how tiny she really is, almost unearthly pale too. I'm worried that she might have an eating disorder. But that's not the worst part; halfway through the performance she had this guy come out on stage, pierce hooks through her back and arms, and then ropes were attached and Melina was lifted up in the air by these hooks, looking like she had been crucified. Going back to the eating disorder; her dress was untied and removed to reveal that she's almost skeletal. I think I'm kind of rambling, I can't my thoughts straight, and I don't know what the hell to do. If I think of anything else that needs to be added, I'll edit this post.

Hi Mary-Ashley,

Welcome to our forum. I am a mom to a 19 yr old boy and a 13 yr old girl.

I offer you many prayers and support, but am not sure if I have an direct advice for you. What does your dd say about the performance you saw? Was the content totally unexpected for you? Does she eat meals with you?

As a mother, I would be concerned about a few things other than just a possible eating disorder.
I would start by talking to your DD and see what she has to say about all this. I would also be worried about the scene she is in, the concert you described is all kinds of inappropriate for a child her age IMO, She may need more help than just for an eating disorder.

I think your overreacting on the metal and piercing..majorly.
It's just a way to preform and express ones self. She invited you, tried to connect her life with you and IMHO you walked out on her attempt to bond with you.
Rockstars are all about going the extra mile to shock and awe. She's just trying to be the other person she feels inside on stage.
As for the eating, i think that is where the focas should be.

Well if shock was the intent then it worked, at least for me. I would have walked out no matter who was on stage. And wouldn't that be exceptionally painful too?

Melina isn't home very often to eat, she always comes home at 9:30 or later, and if I ask her if she wants to eat something she always says that she either ate something at her friend's house or feels sick and doesn't want to eat anything. On the nights when she is home earlier, Melina does eat, but very little. I thought it was nothing at first, but when I noticed all of her clothes were hanging off of her body, I started to worry. Melina thinks that she looks fine, and that there is nothing wrong.

actually from what i hear the piercing is painful but you reach such a high level pain that it then becomes more like a "high" kind of like you dont feel the pain but the adreniline rush. So it stops hurting. Maybe it's because I'm still pretty young (28) but i think it sounds pretty impressive to use as a preformance stunt. I'm kinda surpised she was able to do that without your concent being minor and all. However i would be concerned if she is using sterile eqipment.

As for the eating thing. I am not versed in eating disorders. I would consult a local group who can guide you in the right direction.

This post has been edited by luvbug00 on Sep 17 2010, 09:54 AM

I think if she invited you then she's expecting a conversation. Just try not to put her on the defensive. Keep an open mind and don't point fingers and accuse. I agree that the eating disoder should be where you stand firm. The piercing is over and done w.

I did talk to her, about every thing. The explaination for the suspension is more frightening than the act itself. Supposedly she did it because "it's fun", and also thinks that it is a stunt that will gain respect for her among the men in other bands. Some kind of display of endurance, I guess? Melina also thinks that her body is far from perfect, and is seeking to perfect it by losing more weight, and adding tattoos and piercings. I don't think she sees that she's almost skeletal.

Sounds like you need to seek medical help then.

Piercing is one thing but suspension is a whole different ballgame. I don't care if she was trying to connect with you through that, that is scary and dangerous stuff that you should be immediately concerned with. If you're daughter, who remember - is only 16, wanted to strip tease in front of you to "connect", would you have a problem?

In concern with the eating disorder - just pay attention. Make sure she's eating in front of you. Have sit down dinners - that way you can monitor her eating and always spend time with her.

UM WOW!!! I'm pretty young and probably when I was a teen would have found that cool... but it sounds to me like you need to step in and take a little control back before she gets herself really hurt. I would also take her doctor for a check up, and then maybe a referal to someone who could help you get her back on the right track health wise.

I agree with prairiemom, You need to talk to your daughter first. Sometimes we don't know what they are going through. A person who is suffering from teen depression has the possibility to loss her appetite. Maybe your daughter has a problem or depressed of something. You need to approach her in a nice and calm way, avoid judging her views or arguing with her. The problem is that lecturing your teen while at a very vulnerable time of her life is not going to be helpful. Listen attentively. Once you have an idea of your teen's real situation, you can be more capable of making an informed decision

This post has been edited by clareraquel on Mar 15 2011, 04:39 AM