Prayed I wouldn't post in here

I prayed that I never would post in here, but I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now and I figured it's best I get it off my chest. I hope what I say doesn't offend anyone, because it's not meant too in anyway. It's merely just how I need to express myself right now. It's simply an expression of my birth experience...not a bash on anyone elses.

I do find myself weepy somedays and it's scaring DH. I just can't get this picture of the surgery out of my head. I have two beautiful healthy boys, I've lost all my PG weight and nursing is going pretty well...So what's there to be sad about, right?? Well I admit, I am sad. Not sure if it's actual PPD, but it's there. I somehow always knew I would be disappointed if I ended up having a c-section, but never this bad. I can tell myself a million times that "it doesn't matter how the baby made it here...just as long as he's healthy", but I still feel a bit cheated. Lying helpless on a table as someone "takes" the baby out of me just isn't giving me that same feeling of empowerment. If anything, it just constantly reminds me of how vulnerable I felt when I couldn't control what was happening to the bottom half of my body. I hate the memory and it's obviously showing through in my behavior towards my family.

Anyhow, I'm trying to look past it all. But I get these flashbacks of being in the OR and I just can't stop from crying. And sometimes I see that sadness turn into anger, stupid anger. It's like I want to blame someone for what happened. I sometimes get mad at my doctor, believing he should have known that Wesley was posterior before I went to the hospital. Why didn't he KNOW?? And then other times I want to be mad at my dear friend who just had a baby and had a normal natural birth. C-sections are normal and are peformed all the time, but like anything, it's a much bigger deal when it happens to you. I asked DH the other day if he would get mad if I said I didn't want any more kids. I can't tell if it's really how I feel or just PPD talking...who knows, but I'm not sure how to make it go away. Sorry to sound so dramatic...

Ahh Rae, I am sorry you are feeling like that...............
I was like you, the whole pregnancy I said there was NO WAY I would have a C sec, and then at the 11th hour Jack is under serious stress and that was the only option. He came perfectly healthy and happy. But I did feel that way and I sometimes think about it like you do, but if he had come naturally he may have had complicaitons, may not have, but you know you can't take the risk.

I can't imagine the adjustment to having 2 children but I am quite certain you are doing a wonderful job and all that you are feeling is normal.

PM me anytime you like

((HUGS)) I know exactly what you are saying. I had an awful time for a very long time with accepting the fact that I had a c/s with Kylie. I had such high expectations of what my birth experience would be like with Kylie, especially with her being my first. Dh had the same expectations. We labored for 30 hours, pushing for over 2 of that and they finally forced me to go the c/s route because water had been broke for over 24 hours. It was awful. I blamed myself for a very long time. I blamed myself moreso for going with the induction because I kept thinking if I hadn't had the induction it probably wouldn't have happened. My body failed me and my husband and I hated that. I found myself rolling my eyes at those who had inductions and had no issues. I know it's not their fault but why did I have to be so unlucky, you know?

As always I find a route to vent those feelings and did so into being successful at BF. For me it was not a failure situation. Since my body failed me giving birth there was no way it was going to fail me w/nursing. No matter what painful, not-so-fun experiences I had BF Kylie I was determined to BF that girl til she didn't want to anymore. I took me over and no matter how blue I felt about this or that w/nursing it kept me thinking about the other failed thing in my life - the c/s. I would say for me BF became my saving grace because I eventually got over my feelings about my c/s. Although, they ultimately came back when I was pg with Megan and feared what would happen again. I had those fears all the way through my pg and then when I was in labor w/Megan for over 20 hours and feared I would have to have another one. Even when the doc said "you are waisting my time, let's do a c/s now", I looked at him and said that there was no way in you know what I was giving up, that I would have this baby natural no matter way. And I did.

Anyways, just wanted to tell you you are not alone. I cried so many nights w/flashbacks to that birth experience. It was hard for me to talk about and many nights I couldn't sleep just trying not to have flashes about it. It's normal, I think, to have these feelings but look at it this way...you did have one natural experience, right? So you know your body CAN do this. And the second point is you did get a beautiful healthy baby out of the c/s, right? Course there for the longest time, those words didn't comfort me either.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I have long believed that the body remembers surgeries as traumas, and that like any trauma, the experience of helplessness while your body is going through something like that can result in feelings of depression and anger. I've felt anger and depression for weeks after a major dental procedure, and also after a surgery on my eyelid, and these things are much less physically traumatic than a C-section---and they aren't accompanied by the disappointment with losing out on the birth experience you want, and the rapidly changing hormones following a birth. I hope as the memory fades it seems less intrusive and preoccupying.

Very True!

You know Rae, you'll probably get tired of hearing everyone tell you how normal it is to feel the way you do, but it's the truth. not just about the C-Section but about anything after giving birth. I remember with Braedon, I woulld get out of sorts and cry or get angry over things that I never would have before...it's just that the hormones being all crazy after birth magnify everything 100 fold. So, if I got upset about my DH not getting home on time, then I can only imagine how upset the post pregnancy hormones must have you upset..you have a very real and valid disappointment...as women, we want to give birth I understand that and so do the other women here, I'm sure. As for your DH, as supportive as he may be, I'm sure he has absolutely no idea why you're upset..I know my DH wouldn't..they don't understand the drive there within us surrounding childbirth. I don't really know a way for you to relate the feelings to him that you're having..I had a very hard time explaining to my DH that I was feeling really blue in general after giving birth, men are very black and white, so this doesn't make sense to them and when he didn't understand or was judgemental, it would send me into orbit and make matters worse! I think what finally helped was my DH reading a little on the subject of PPD. I don't think I had PPD, but rather just a case of the baby blues. Mine set in about 3 weeks after birth and lasted about a month after that. I hope that you're experiencing a mild case as well..but no matter the level, please please don't be ashamed to talk to us or your doctor of you need to! What you're going through IS real and it IS normal!

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, I wish I had some words but don't.

Thanks for everyone's responses. You all made me cry (in a good way) when I read this. You really are all my life savers...It's awesome having the support!

Karen, I'm sorry for what you went through. I can totally relate to your experience. I'm so sorry that you see it as your body failed you, but look at it this way, your body made TWO babies...that can't possibly mean failure hun! But I know what you're saying. I'm glad you got to experience a vaginal birth and that the feelings have finally gone away for you through your success with BF. Thanks for your response.

Nichole, I know that you may have to have a c-section, so I hope that I am not scaring you in any way. I truly think I would be okay if I could have prepared myself and known ahead of time. Keep asking your doc questions. The more you know, the better IMO. Thankfully I do have a very supportive DH. He doesn't always have the words I want to hear, but I know he loves me. He truly is my rock - he has so much more optimism for life than I do and I thank him for bringing me up from the bad times, although he can't always relate to them. He just has his own way of showing support and I just need to learn to accept him for his way, kwim? Poor guy takes a lot of bad moods from me, but he almost never complains.

[/QUOTE]I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I have long believed that the body remembers surgeries as traumas, and that like any trauma, the experience of helplessness while your body is going through something like that can result in feelings of depression and anger. I've felt anger and depression for weeks after a major dental procedure, and also after a surgery on my eyelid, and these things are much less physically traumatic than a C-section---and they aren't accompanied by the disappointment with losing out on the birth experience you want, and the rapidly changing hormones following a birth. I hope as the memory fades it seems less intrusive and preoccupying. [QUOTE] This is soooooooooooo true! I think it's exactly what's going on...THANKS for helping to make it more clear for me.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone. I will keep you posted on how the next few weeks go......just taking it one day at a time for now!

I'm sorry you're struggling Rae. I'm sure it doesn't help to hear me say- it will pass- but it will. Anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety prior to the post partum stage is sort of pre-disposed to PPD- so it really shouldn't come as a total shock. And yet, when you're in the middle of it, it feels horrendous and everlasting. Just knowing what is going on with your body and mind puts you in a better position to overcome it faster- but it takes time and patience, and most of all, a willingness to cut yourself some slack. Big Pm me if you want.

Just wanted to send you a big I hope you are feeling better soon. We are all here for you whenever you need us.

Yep, I've been down the road of depression and anxiety before, as you know, so it's much easier for me to sense when it's coming on and how to work past it. I guess that's the good part, but it stinks to know I'm sorta used to these feelings and not just over it. It makes me wonder if there really is a chemical imbalance to blame for it all. I always think that life's little miracles, like having a child, will help to overcome the depression and anxiety, because it's supposed to be such a "wonderful time" in my life, but time and time again, it never really changes anything. And that's hard to swallow. I suppose I just don't take change very well. I like my life to be orderly. I like to somehow know what's to come, so as soon as someone throws me a curve ball, like having to have a c-section, I'm a wreck. Oh well...like I said, I've taught myself how to work through it, so it's getting easier, but it just takes time.

that is completly normal I think anyway I have always regretted my c-section and I blamed the whole thing on my doctor and the induction but its still possible it would have happened anyway. I hope you start to feel better sweetie!!!

Hon you don't sound dramatic at all. I'm lucky that both my birth experiences went nearly as I wanted them to, and if I have veered to not having it that way I would be upset as well. You're right, you have 2 beautiful and healthy baby boys, but you have every reason to be upset. At the same time you're right, it isn't how they got here, but that they are here, and there was nothing you could do to change it.

You don't sound dramatic, you sound normal. Cry if you want to, because no one should ever be ashamed or embarrassed to cry about anything. We're all just human, in the end. DH tells me I should be a little less human sometimes, because I cry whenever I feel like it

I hope you start feeling better soon

Rae, I went through alot of the same feelings...my birth didn't exactly go as planned either, and it's very hard to let go of something that big. We're here, sweetie. I hope you're having a wonderful day.

Thanks again everyone! I'm doing pretty good the past couple days. Well, no, I take that back! I yelled at DH pretty hard last night because he asked a guy form work to come over for dinner with his family on Saturday (which didn't make me mad), but then made plans for him and the husband to go golfing before dinner. So that leaves me alone with the babies all day, cleaning house for guests, grocery shopping and trying to get dinner made before everyone comes over! So I yelled like a mad woman and he got mad. But I'm working on getting better...promise!

Don't apologize for yelling once in awhile Rae! It's OK!

You have me in tears right now. I am right there with you. I had a small baby, head down. Everything looked perfect for a normal delivery. But I went two weeks late, my doc decided to induce. Well, inductions are notorious for being more intense contractions. With every contraction the baby's heartbeat dropped, and never went back up. I was also not dilating past 2cm. At 1pm my doc broke my water and at 2:45ish she told me I needed a c/s, the baby's heartrate was 80 bpm.
I still cry when I think of the surgery. And I understand your feeling of being cheated. We were cheated out of our natural deliveries. I was so wanting the baby to be laid on my chest to bf right after delivery, and DH wanted to cut the cord.
We all prepare for natural delivery, but when it doesn't happen that way noone knows what to do. I never stopped to think what if I had a c/s?
I later found out he couldn't handle the contractions because his umbilical cord was missing an artery. He wasn't getting a good blood supply. I asked my doc if we could have seen that in the u/s, she said not mine, they were too early 15 & 17 weeks. I now wonder why we didn't have a later u/s, if we had known we could have done things differently.
I constantly review things over and over in my head.

My DH says I dwell on this too much, well, his body was not cut into. He doesn't realize the full extent of how this makes me feel. To have a perminate physical reminder(the scar) of the trauma on my body.
I'm sorry, I think I took over your post. I know I need to create my own post, but when I read yours it was like you were reading my mind, like you were there.

Ok, let me get this straight.

He invites a buddy and his family over for dinner, but decides to go golfing the afternoon before.

You though in the meantime need to clean the house and prepare the dinner all while watching 2 young children.

WTH was your dh thinking??

Sorry I'm done now.

I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time. I am very glad that you are recognizing that you may possibly have PPD. Try to let yourself grieve the births that you wanted. Let yourself cry, yell, scream whatever you have to do. I didn't have a C-Section so I don't know how you feel. But I do sympathise with you. Be gentle with yourself, take breaks. And tell yourself that whatever your feeling is OKAY! I'll be thinking of you and keep posting here if you need too!

How've you been doing, Rae?