Need ideas on dealing with my 5yo

[lesliesmom]

DS started kindergarten on rocky ground but got better. Better it is, until yesterday and today. Yesterday I guess he had a bad day at school with pushing and not listening. Teacher talked to DH and DH told him that if he had another bad day he would lose trick or treating on Halloween. Well, DH just called after picking the kids up from school today and again DS had a bad day at school. When I took him to school I reminded him to keep his hands to himself, put on his listening ears, etc. or he would lose out on Halloween. Wee, his teacher was just invisible to him today. She even reiterated what she had heard me tell him about Halloween and it didn't make a difference. So, according to DH he loses trick or treating. I feel so bad about this but I know we gave him a consequence to his actions and we need to stick to it, but is this going to far? Mind you, DH came up with this unilaterally, I had no input. What would any of you do? Would you let him lose Halloween? I feel horrible, I don't want him to lose this special day but I don't want to go against what punishment was chosen for him.

[MommyToAshley]

Once you give a consequence, you really should follow through with it. If you didn't want to put Halloween on the table, and wanted to change the consequence, it probably would have been better to do it before the school day started. I've learned that the hard way. We've missed some fun playdates because I threatened to take it away and then regretably I had to follow through with it. The only exception I would make is if it were something that were out of his control. I have to admit, I'd have a hard time giving up Halloween though. That's a tough one.

[mammag]

That is tough because it is a once a year thing. However, I agree with Dee Dee, you have to stick with what you say. I've learned that the hard way myself as well. The thing is with this one though, acting out in school is a big thing, especially the pushing and you really want to nip this now while he is still young or you could be in for a really tough 12 years.

I think, though it will be hard, I would make him miss it. Then in the future I would really think about the punishments before you tell him.

I remember once, I told Kristen that if she didn't stop talking disresptful to me, she wasn't going to go out to dinner with everyone else. We had family here and she was really being mouthy. She didn't stop and I kept letting her go and warning again which did no good. Her dad heard her at one point and said "that's it, you are not going". He missed out on going as well because we couldn't leave her there alone at that time. I cried to him and said "she can't miss out on it, they're leaving soon". He was unrelenting and two things were learned that night. She learned that what we said is what was going to happen, and I learned to not make idle threats any more. It was hard going without her but in the end I do think it was the right thing to do.

[boyohboyohboy]

yes, I just learned this the hard way. if you say you are going to do something you have to do it..so I am much more careful now about what I say..
(I am currently withholding a third birthday from my son until he potty trains so I am really a bad mom here not you! )

but my son just also went thru this same thing in kindergarden..he was getting into trouble really bad and disrupting class..finally we had a meeting with the teacher and the principle and we started a notebook that goes between the teacher and us daily, she writes either a star or a check mark beside 5 items we picked that he mosted needed to work on.
1 keeping hands to himself
2 treating other nicely
3 listening
4 keeping his desk neat
5 not talking when he isnt supposed to be

and honestly once he realized that we were in constant contact with the teacher and he cant always read what she writes, so he gets nervous..
and we also rewarded him for every good star at first then he had to get 5 stars..and we did things he really liked to do.
so he then realized that he was rewarded for good behavior and that is much more fun then being grounded for bad things...

and we had to stick to it...
the rewards were what really helped, and also seeing that we were a team with the school.

good luck.
pm me any time for more info..we went thru this for a while before it got better..
but really stick to it..
just get some candy and put it back for him if he goes one week with no bad reports..

[cameragirl21]

would it be possible to let him go trick or treating but take all the candy and tell him he can earn it back little by little through good behavior?
That way he doesn't miss out on the experience but still gets a punishment of sorts and there is incentive for behavior improvement, especially if he sees his sister eating her candy and knowing he can't have any till he's good at school.
If you would do this then of course let him know upfront that all his candy will be confiscated by the end of the night and spell out what he has to do to get it back.

[redchief]

I missed out on trick-or-treating once as a child. I survived. Your son will too. Reducing the known consequence will undermine your attempt to get his behavior under control.

[kimberley]

i agree with Ed. follow through is more important.

the punishment is no trick-or-treating. that doesn't mean he can't still dress up and give out candy. just a thought.

[lesliesmom]

Thanks for all the tips and suggestions. At this point, we are still going to make him skip trick or treating. Never thought of letting him dress up to pass out candy (Grandma's coming over to give out candy while we take the girls out). So, we'll see. He knows that he lost out and we'll see how he does in school today. We do have Parent/Teacher conferences on Monday and we'll see what she says. Maybe he's just overloaded between Halloween and a "Spirit Week"-type thing at school, I think he's just got too much going through his head, but that's no excuse and he needs to realize that...