The truth

[Teesa®©]

1. You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

2. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.

3. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

4. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative!

5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it so I said, "Implants?"

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected!

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s!%$ head's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatos, make Bloody
Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!

15. Being married is to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

19. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the high way?

21. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

[HuskerMom]

Those are pretty good! I like the first one the best!

[redchief]

Words to live by.