I flipped to chapter "oh crud" in my parent, manual...it was blank..

we are about to start the new school year, breaking in new binders and sharpening the pencils, and discovering raging hormone that will lead to the extinction of the creature known as Mya.
As I expected when dealing with a tweenager I've gotten some lip and sarcasm is abundant. There are a couple issues that seem to keep coming back,and some I have no clue what to do about.

material items and the "need" for them: As we all know I am the only working person in my home I make enough to pay rent and bills and get food for us and the dogs. Fun is either free or home made for us adults. yes, I have gone so far as to make homemade alcohol even. (the Washington post did this great lemechello recipe a couple years back and wow!) I normal try to get her nice things, within reason and logic. However over the summer the jones's have upped the anti and I cant keep up right now when I usually kept Mya "cool" with the knock offs and maybe once a year a splurge.
She doesn't get that we dont have a ton of money. Even with chores to earn her own she thinks it falls from my backside. I don't feel inadequacy or anything just annoyed that she doesn't get it. Heck we are taking her to disney at the end of the year on the cruise but that is a wedding gift from my parents. My parents whom bought mya horse riding lessons and try to cover my inability to buy her stuff. My mother doesn't try to keep up with the jones's ..she IS the jones. She gets on me too for not getting mya what she wants.

issue number two:
Mya and her dad..mya and Jon
I think it's well established how I feel about Brad and his lack of parenting and participating in his daughters life. His random spurts of caring and such.
It has gotten to the point where Mya complains about going over and how when she goes over there is no food, she board and on..and on..
he and I are in it again custody wise in regards to a bunch of things.
ex: his mom wants mya more and he doesnt let her see her because he doesnt have "enough time" , he doesn't want mya to move with me and jon in a couple years and because I don't let her around her family often as we well know they are insane and i'm done with them. Not sure how to even deal with this right now and how to make her understand I can't just keep her home.

Mya and Jon are overall good,she adores him and he has become quite the unintentional step-father. I'm looking for ways to help her continue to gain respect for him. I mean she doesn't lip him often but she does do it , gradually trying to improve on that one..any tips would be great.

my finally thing is getting mya to take some pride in her appearance.
The kid rarely will brush her hair without a fight. teeth is also a struggle. only cares about her nails. Her clothes are .....let's just say she has alot of her aunts old clothes that she wears home from her dads house and they barbie sized. my pinkey toe could fit into one leg of those things. not really revealing but so tight! I've stolen and trashed a few but the kid freaks out on me when she sees me go into her room with the trash bag. Her dad just replaces what I toss. I can not afford to go out and get her a new wardrobe.

i am not sure I'll survive the next couple years

and this is just the tip of my iceburg stress right now

wow, that's a lot. I never understood where kids feel entitled to things... that happens in our house too, they feel whatever they want they should get.. AND RIGHT NOW!! My advice on the "Jones" is just keep being honest with Mya... even if you sound like a broken record - I know I do in my house when kids ask for things.. sorry, we just don't have the money, you can use your own - or better yet - start a list for Santa! - seems I say that daily.

As for Brad - as hard and expensive as it is (and unfortunate) just keep fighting.. you know why you're doing it and it seems to be for the right reasons - so do what you need to do to protect your baby

Appearance is a whole different issue - my daughter can be like that too! I practically have to beg her to brush her hair and her teeth - but she wants to do her nails all the time... can't help much there.. sorry

Have you looked into 2nd hand shops for clothes? I plan on doing that this year for my kids - have heard there are some nice ones around here with name brand stuff cheap.. a thought maybe...

Let's hope this is a short lived phase.

No advice on the co-parenting thing as well, I've not really been in a blended family to have any expertise at all.

As far as the entitlement, it must be the way of the world these days because my girls are like this too. I don't know why and I do the repeating of "we just don't have the money" which Kylie replies with "well you could just pull money out of my college fund to buy it" which I reply the economy took your college fund! They will also say "so and so has this, or so and so's parent's let them do this" to which I reply "Are you so and so? No. So until you become them you will be Kylie and Kylie's parents just don't do those things", etc, etc. They still don't get it, but it is what it is. I NEVER was like this. I grew up in a poor poor family and we were lucky to get anything. If I ever did act like my children my father would have introduced me to the belt or wooden spoon.

As far as clothes, I agree on the 2nd hand stores. There is one around our area that is VERY popular called Plato's Closet. It seems like a lot of tweens/teens go there and they love the clothes.

I'm trying to brace myself for this being a very long hard road of all of this as I see it in my girls already.

I agree, I have noticed this trend a bit in Ashley. She never used to ask for stuff whenever we'd go to the store, now she asks for stuff more than she did when she was 3. We had a long talk about it, but every now and then I see that side of her resurfacing. So frustrating, but I find myself saying the same things as you and Karen.

I came from a very humble background too, and while I was oblivious to how poor we really were, I also would have never asked for stuff like Ashley did. I think sometimes coming from that background instills a different set of values and work ethic, values that I'd like to instill in my daughter. Sometimes I want to provide stuff for her that I didn't have it when I was growing up, but I am being more cautious of that now so that she doesn't get that sense of entitlement.

I think a lot of what you described is normal tween stuff. I wish they did make a manual for all this! I think it goes back to what we said when we had toddler, consistency is key and eventually it will sink in. And, then maybe add in the listening. Sometimes it helps to listen to why those things are important... it doesn't mean that we have to give in and go buy the stuff. I know Ashley is not far behind Mia, and I will be in yoru shoes soon... HELP!

Oh and I wanted to add on the hygiene thingy....Kylie is TERRIBLE. She doesn't care how messy her hair is (although that could be the curly hair that is extremely hard for me to even tame on her), she doesn't care if her clothes don't match or are wrinkled, I have to hound her to even take a shower and change her underwear! She just doesn't care one bit. I think she's like that as far as how her hair and clothes look, because I always tried to instill in her that it's not how you look on the outside that is important....well that's a good thing BUT.........it would still be nice if she cared a teeny tiny bit.

This post has been edited by coasterqueen on Aug 30 2011, 10:28 AM

Maddie hasn't hit this phase...and I hope she never does.

I'm certain it's her personality and nothing that I did b/c I wasn't like her at all when I was her age!!

Right now I'm just counting my blessings.

Ethan, on the other hand..... He's going to give me a run for my money. He is way more expensive than Maddie.

I read this yesterday and have been rolling it around in my head. All I got was annoyed for you, and no resolution. Sorry. No help.

What I have done with mine... and they kind of get it... is that when they see something they would like to have, I get them to write it down in a little notebook I take with us when we go shopping, and the cost.

Then I pull out some grocery receipts when we get home, and show them that for the 59.99$ it would have cost to get them the jeans they wanted instead of the jeans they needed (thrift store, clearance sales, or hand me downs generally) they can see that one pair of pants for them equals the cost of food for all of us for a few days.

One time, Zach made a comment about how he just wouldn't eat for 3 days and so he could get a toy he wanted... it was 15$ rounded up, after taxes...

I said ok... so I bought it...

we got home, and had a snack... but I didn't give Zach any... he asked why I didn't give him any... I reminded that he said he wouldn't eat for a few days so that I could spend the money I would normally spend on food, on his toy... We had yogurt... and each little cup of yogurt was about 34 cents (5.49 for 16 cups), I showed him the receipt that said yogurt, 5.49, and there were 16 in the package... 5.49 / 16 = 34 cents... I told him now he had 15$ - 34 cents to not eat in order for his toy to have been paid...

He didn't put up a fuss about the snack.

Later we had dinner... nothing fancy... breaded pork cutlets, mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli... I did the same thing with the receipts... told him how much his share of the meal would have cost (2.80$) and that now he was 15$ - 34 cents - 2.80$ left until his toy was paid and he could eat again...

he didn't find it funny anymore... and wanted to return the toy so he could eat...

I gave him a hard time about it and told him I couldn't just leave the dinner table and return the toy because he was hungry... that we all make choices, and his choice was to take the toy instead of the food. Life's unfair, and that's just too bad, because that's the choice he decided to make, and now has to live with.

He didn't say another word as he watched the rest of us have dinner...

About an hour later, he told me he was hungry... I told him well, if I still had the money I spent on his toy, I could afford to give him the food... but I don't have it anymore, becasue he wanted the toy... and he started to cry.

I explained to him in great detail that I get a certain amount of money from my job, and that is all the money I have to pay the bank for the house we live in, to buy the clothes him and his sisters and myself wear, to pay for fun outings, to pay for the food we eat... and that it's not fair to have to spend the money I have on a toy, when it means that there won't be enough to pay for something we need.

I asked him what are things that we need.

He countered by asking how come daddy has tv and internet and buys toys... I told him that daddy makes a little bit more money than mommy, and daddy doesn't have to spend as much money on food because they're not with him most of the time... I explained to him that everytime I have to spend money on food for him and his sisters means that his daddy doesn't have to spend that money on the food for him and his sisters, and that he uses that money to pay for other things.

he asked then, how come I don't buy internet and tv and toys with the money I can save when they're eating the food their dad spent money on... (smart kid!) and I told him that I save that money so that if something happens I have emergency money. he asked emergency like what? I told him if the car breaks down, it will cost as much money to fix the car as it does to pay for the house for a whole month... his eyes went pretty wide...

Then I gave him his dinner.

He's asked for a few things since then... but he's very reasonable about it. The latest thing he asked for was a pair of new shoes... he wanted a particular brand.. I said ok, because I'm all over good shoes for growing kids... but when we got to the store to look at them the shoes next to it were 20$ cheaper... he asked if he could have the cheaper brand, and that way I could save my 20$ and maybe get a treat for all of us later with it instead of spending it on the shoes...

Smart kid.

So that's what I did. Bought him the cheaper shoes, and spent 20$ on cookies and ice cream.

Rocky this is brilliant! I am so putting this into use asap! you deff have a smart boy on your hands, Mya will be just as tricky I'm sure but you had some great come back tools in there. Thanks

I have done something like this too, only not as concretely. I will tho, when it comes up.

Yeah it was pretty extreme... I don't think it was TOO much for him though. He's pretty understanding, in terms of being spoken to like an adult.. it might have been too harsh on the girls though, they wouldn't have gotten it.

I'm very open about how much money I need to spend on things for our household, and why I choose to spend money on certain things rather than other things. Like why I prefer to spend 30$ to make a really nice picnic lunch and go to the park for an afternoon of playing catch, tag, books and cloud watching rather than spend the same money for one hour at a indoor play structure or a movie... the 5 of us to go to the movies is about 45$-50$ on cheap night... and that's with NO SNACKS.... renting a movie and making a bowl of popcorn? like 10$? lol

A little tidbit about this weekend...

We celebrated Zach's birthday with dinner at my grandmothers on Saturday, where he received 50$ in cash from cards, and then a hockey game on Monday afternoon...

I delayed lunch on Monday so that they could have exciting food at the arena (at 2pm). On top of the hotdogs and pizza I got them, Zach wanted popcorn and cotton candy.. of course the girls wanted some too, I said no, I didn't bring enough money for that stuff.

Zach asked if i was still carrying his 50$... I said I was... he asked if he could buy popcorn and cotton candy for the 3 of them with his money... I was hard-pressed to say no, it's his money... so he spent 24.25$ on 3 bags of cotton candy, and 3 small popcorn bags.. as well as a bottle of fruit punch for himself.. something i don't usually let them drink...

Both Zach and Emilie dropped their bag of popcorn at some point, spilling out about 1/3 on the floor... Zach was angry... I asked him how it felt to waste something he spent his money on? He didn't enjoy the feeling... I told him that's how I felt everytime he wastes food or drink that I have bought... lol

He has 25.75$ left, and wants to come grocery shopping with me this week to see what kind of special treats he can buy for his lunches... what a kid!

^awww well lesson learned.

Mya needs this more strict way of going. I've been very casual in my parenting up until now and it's about time to bring down the hammer.
It really is a good way to go