Telling Lies....

Ashley told me a lie yesterday. It wasn't anything too big, just a small one about her school work. When I asked her why she lied to me, she told me that she didnt' want to get into trouble. The funny thing is, it is a mistake that her teacher made and she wouldn't have gotten into trouble anyways. But, I grounded her for a week for telling me a lie. She cried and cried and even had a hard time going to sleep last night. She's very sensitive and I rarely have to ground or punish her and she would cry even if I just said I was disappointed in her. I had a talk with her last night about why it's important not to lie, and that I hope she knows that she can tell me anything. I told her that I love her no matter what, but the punishment still stands.

So, I was talking to a friend today and she thinks I was too rough on Ashley. She thinks that telling lies is just a developmental thing at this age and that I should have let it go. I feel guilty for punishing her because I hate to see her cry (i'm a softy), but I think it is important not to give in. The two big no-no's in our house are telling lies and being disrespectful, and I think that not addressing the lie would be sending the wrong message even if it was just a small lie. Do you think I was too hard?

Telling lies is developmental, but they have to be punished to stop telling the lies!!!!!

I think you totally did the right thing.....Jack tells me lies and I hate it - he gets punished as well!

You are a good mommy!

I really can't say if you were rough with your punishment or not, Dee Dee. Only because what is harsh for one child isn't harsh for another. For instance, I probably punish Megan harsher than Kylie because that child doesn't listen to anyone or anything. She drums to her own beat. Kylie has lied, small lies, a few times in fear of getting in trouble. Ryan and I sit her down and tell her it's bad, why it's bad and that we never want to catch her doing it again. Now, she's done it again, and it probably won't be the last and maybe we SHOULD punish her harsher so it NEVER happens again, but we haven't. So I can't say whether the punishment was harsh because it's possible our approach with Kylie on this has not been harsh enough. KWIM?

Hopefully the punishment you gave Ashley makes her NEVER do it again. If that is the case then I'd say you definitely made the right decision, only time will tell.

I do think lying at this age is normal development, but so is the consequences to our actions. I definitely wouldn't take back the punishment you gave her or that will send her a negative message.

We are going to question our actions all the time, especially when someone else tells us maybe we did it wrong. It's all trial and error.

Jen is right, you are a great mommy

You know, I'm constantly questioning things because that's my nature, and am so fearful of some of the choices the girls will make. Ryan is always saying to me, "Karen, they are going to make bad choices, some worse than others. In this day in age they are completely surrounded by negative things and there is no escaping it. So they will make bad choices -- it's too tempting. We just have to hope and pray and guide them to at least take the road somewhere in the middle of the best road and the worst road and hope for the best!". I know this doesn't pertain to how you punished Ashley, but just how we will question our choices on punishing/raising them in general. My husband is just too calm for me most days when it comes to our girls.

I know what you mean about second guessing our parental decissions. I know to think that she will never lie again is unrealistic, but I hope to deter her from telling lies and guide her in the right direction. If there is ever a time when Ashley is accused of somethign and she says she didn't do it, I want to be able to believe her. But, I also want her to be able to come to me and tell me when she's made a bad choice, or in trouble, or something is bothering her... I want her to know she can confide in me. I never had that with my Mother growing up, but I want to have that kind of relationship with her and I think we start building that from the beginning. So, I am not sure which is bothering me more, the fact that she lied to me or the fact that she felt she needed to lie to me.

I know exactly what you mean because I didn't have that kind of relationship with my parents, either. I think the fact that she felt she needed to lie would bother me more, because the other is more normal. ETA: I think it's happened to alot of us, it has happened to me, I know that. So maybe that action is normal for them, too.

Either case, I think what you did was right and the most important thing you did was sitting down and talking to her about it. Ya know. I used to get punished all the time as a kid and never told why and I got so sick of not knowing what I did wrong that I just rebelled even more.

This post has been edited by coasterqueen on May 13 2010, 07:57 AM

I agree with all the above.

We're pretty harsh in our home when it comes to punishments for lying. I think lying can lead to all kinds of things and it's a bad thing to start lying to your parents.

I think you did the right thing--she knows you take it seriously and aren't going to blow it off in the future.

I don't think you will ever have to worry about punishing her for it again. She's a great girl and you are a great mom!

We tell our boys that most of the things they do, wont get them in as much trouble as lying..and punishment in our home is twice as bad if you add a lie on top of it.

I think lying can lead to all kinds of worse things..
so we nip that one in the bud.

Ditto! When our kids are caught lying they are told that their punishment for the lie will be worse than the punishment for the original misdeed. Lying is absolutely not tolerated in this house.

I think you did the right thing, Dee Dee. This is the age when kids really start testing their boundaries and if they aren't shown right away what is not acceptable than they tend to keep pushing that boundary. By punishing Ashley harshly from the get-go you gave her the message that lying is not allowed.

ITA with the others - the lying is way worse than the original wrongdoing, and is always punished more harshly. You are a great mom and I think you did just fine.

I would stick with the punishment also. Just because it is developmental doesn't mean it isn't wrong. The only way you learn is with consequences. And it will make her think twice next time she thinks about telling a lie.

ITA with everything that was said above. I sort of have the same situation as Karen does when it comes to punishment. Jordan tends to get the harsher punishment for pretty much the same reason that Meagan does.

I don't think your approach to Ashley lying was too harsh mostly because she needs to know that it is wrong. I also agree that if a child lies to get out of trouble and is caught in a lie the punishment should be harsher. Honestly if Jade came to me with an issue where she thought she might get into trouble, but told me the truth I would commend her for being honest with me before doling out the sentence for the wrong doing. Amazingly enough Jade is very good about not lying. Jordan is a whole other story and it is something I am working on with her. She sort of changed into this talking free thinking person out of nowhere on me. She is also very good at difusing a situation by saying and doing things that I am trying my darndest not to laugh at.

Don't let this bother you too much Dee Dee you are and have always been a good Mom

yup. totally agree with this.