kids from broken families, need advice

Most of you know I had Caleb before I was married to another man. Caleb was only 2 when I got married. He doesn't have a memory of a time before his dad. My dh adopted Caleb and has always been his dad. We had a big "adoption" party when Calebs name was changed. I always wanted to make sure Caleb knew his history. I didnt want there to come a time when he was hit with a surprise of where he came from and his family dynamics. Last summer we started to talk about it again and he asked more questions but he seemed to dealing with it very maturely. He started asking me questions about it more in strange situations, like we werent talking anything about about it and he would suddenly ask me about his biological dad or something about my past when I was with this person.
When Caleb started counceling for his behavior in school, it came up. Caleb came home from school one day and said he met his sister. He said she had to be sister because "her dad left her and didnt want her either". So we talked about how his father didnt abandon him, how he just never met him, and he chose not to. We talked about how he isnt abnormal and there are lots of different kinds of families in the world. We also talked about how different people are father figures in our lives. We are Christians and also talked about the role God our father plays in our lives, and how we are all brother and sisters. Our councelor felt Caleb was trying to connect to my DH. He was making lists of simularities between the two of them, like eye and hair color,and likes and dislikes. It seems to connect him to DH.
DH started spending more and more time with just he and Caleb. We thought things were going well. Until sometimes earlier this month it was mentioned to Caleb that he has his biological fathers blood in him. Caleb got upset and started hitting himself in the head and clawing at his chest,saying he wanted it out. We talked about how it was ok to have his blood that this man was not a bad man. How God wanted Caleb to have this specific DNA but Caleb was being raised by us. He was special and things like that. He told his councelor he no longer wants to talk about it, and he is trying to put it out of his mind. He doesnt want to deal with it. I can see its making him angry. I can see he is hurt. Today he told me that while he was with a family friend this past weekend, she bought him some new shoes. The salesman made a comment about his large feet and how tall Caleb was. Caleb apparently said I get that from my dad! Well the family friend said no, caleb you get that from your biological dad. Caleb has been holding this in for a few days and today he took his hands and tried to simulate what it would be to cut his feet off, and hit his legs. He said he doesnt want anything from his biological dad.
I wanted to know if any of you have had to deal with anything like this. we see a councelor once a week, but right now he is treading water so lightly as caleb doesnt want to open up there. I tried to talk to caleb about it, but he has asked me to stop talking about it. I dont want caleb to learn that the way to deal with things we dont want to deal with is to push them inside and hide them away.
I feel so guilty for this situation he has to deal with. I hate to see the pain and hurt he has. As a christian I have tried to explain it to caleb as my sin, and how he is a wonderful child and how he has no reason to feel bad about this. Dh has tried to make sure every chance he can that caleb feels loved and accepted just as much as his brothers.
My fear is that he might harm himself.
I just dont know what to do.

Stacey, I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't.

We have to answer a lot of questions about "blended" families as Ryan comes from an extremely blended family and I do not. This confuses the girls all the time. How they have many grandparents. How they have an uncle who is only a couple of years older than them. I've tried explaining it a ton of times to Kylie and she doesn't understand because she thinks we aren't like that, so why is her grandparents, and my parents aren't like that, etc. KWIM? Megan - I haven't even tried to approach the situation with her. They will say things like "my biological grandpa", etc and I just say that they are grandpa, kwim?

So as confusing as it is for my children and trying to explain it to them, I can't even imagine how hard it is for you and for Caleb, especially.

I took a class in college called "Blended families", but it's been so long ago I barely remember it. There was a book that went along with the class that was exceptional. I don't remember the name. I'll have to see if I kept it. I took it because Ryan came from a blended family, but since it's been so long ago and I haven't needed the information until now with Kylie -- I often wish I could take it over now.

If I find that book, I'll let you know and get it to you right away.

Thank you Karen.
I cant tell you how stressful this is. I didnt think this would turn out this way. I thought as long as I was honest and told him facts he would handle this just fine.
I realize now that he is blaming himself for his biological father now being gone, and he is feeling like something awful who no one would want to claim as a son.

I see the pain in his face, and I see him try to push that hurt away and replace it with anger. I know we need to deal with this now and am afraid what happens if he cant find peace with this.

I have contemplated contacting his biological father but so dont want to open a can of worms.

Poor Caleb I know this has to be hard on you, as well. It's so hard to explain the easy things in life to our children, let alone the hard stuff. I think it's good that you are trying to deal with this now, though. Maybe you need to see a different therapist that maybe specializes more in this area? Not sure.

Poor Caleb I know this has to be hard on you, as well. It's so hard to explain the easy things in life to our children, let alone the hard stuff. I think it's good that you are trying to deal with this now, though. Maybe you need to see a different therapist that maybe specializes more in this area? Not sure.

we are super limited with our insurance with child psychology. I think this guy is good. He is also a christian councelor which is important to us. He used our beliefs also to help caleb get thru this, and uses the foundation we have instilled in him. I think the continuety helps.
I hate to go to a psychiatrist, because our psychologist feels that if we go that route they might medicate him. Frankly I feel that will just hinder his feeling process.
I wish we did have more of a support system for him. we dont have family or friends here.

Poor Caleb I know this has to be hard on you, as well. It's so hard to explain the easy things in life to our children, let alone the hard stuff. I think it's good that you are trying to deal with this now, though. Maybe you need to see a different therapist that maybe specializes more in this area? Not sure.

we are super limited with our insurance with child psychology. I think this guy is good. He is also a christian councelor which is important to us. He used our beliefs also to help caleb get thru this, and uses the foundation we have instilled in him. I think the continuety helps.
I hate to go to a psychiatrist, because our psychologist feels that if we go that route they might medicate him. Frankly I feel that will just hinder his feeling process.
I wish we did have more of a support system for him. we dont have family or friends here.

No, I'd definitely not go medication route! Have you gotten your pastor/preacher involved? Has he/she talked to him about this? Maybe a good idea, not sure.?

Poor Caleb I know this has to be hard on you, as well. It's so hard to explain the easy things in life to our children, let alone the hard stuff. I think it's good that you are trying to deal with this now, though. Maybe you need to see a different therapist that maybe specializes more in this area? Not sure.

we are super limited with our insurance with child psychology. I think this guy is good. He is also a christian councelor which is important to us. He used our beliefs also to help caleb get thru this, and uses the foundation we have instilled in him. I think the continuety helps.
I hate to go to a psychiatrist, because our psychologist feels that if we go that route they might medicate him. Frankly I feel that will just hinder his feeling process.
I wish we did have more of a support system for him. we dont have family or friends here.

No, I'd definitely not go medication route! Have you gotten your pastor/preacher involved? Has he/she talked to him about this? Maybe a good idea, not sure.?

we are new to our church, and we have taken the kids but because andrew wont go to class we havent been able to get really involved ourselves, while we do know the church pretty well..I think they would help if we asked..they dont have a childrens minister right now..and the adult one i dont think would help as caleb doesnt know him.
I think he needs someone he trusts

Stacy I will be praying for you guys. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but keep us posted.

Lots of love and prayers coming your way, hun.

It sounds like a very difficult situation, poor Caleb!

My take on it is that he seems to think his bilogical father is in some way bad? Caleb seems to not want to be associated with him in any way - not wanting his blood in him, etc. When you talk to Caleb about is biological father, what kind of things do you say? Maybe it would be helpful to have a discussion with Caleb about the good qualities his biological father has.

I think the concept of having a different father is very confronting for children who are raised in a home with a step-father, and with their biological father absent. What kind of discussions have you had about this to Caleb? Also, have you looked in to any websites with information about adoption? Your dh has adopted Caleb, so techinically, he is an adopted child. I bet there are some good websites with information about family, from different perspectives.

Your dh is Caleb's dad, and I think perhaps it is important to discuss with Caleb the differences between a biological father and an actual father. Yes, Caleb shares his DNA with his biological father. But, you can share the same DNA with someone, but they aren't family - it takes a lot more than that to be someone's father. Perhaps talk with Caleb about the qualities he see's in a dad (your dh): what makes someone a dad?

Maybe the two of you can sit down and have a discussion about why Caleb is feeling like he doesn't want his biological father to be a part of him? Also, is the language confusing to him? I assume he calls your dh dad. Perhaps a better idea, instead of using the terms biological, is to just refer to Caleb's biological father by his real name. Does Caleb even understand the term biological? As in, does he know about the birds and the bee's and where babies come from? I think, even if he does know, biological is too big of a concept for a little boy to fully grasp.

Best of luck and please keep us posted! I think that the most important thing is talking about family with Caleb - when it comes down to it, family is not always the people you share DNA with. It is much more than that.

Thank you for your thought provoking questions!
There was actually an episode of seseme street that was about family and how people are in all kinds of different families and raised by all different kinds of people, and we started with that.
He does refer to his bio. dad with his first name. I am always so very careful to tell him only good qualities about his bio dad. I have never said any unkind words. I have told him that he didnt know caleb at all, he was still in my tummy, so he didnt reject him (thats calebs word) because he never knew him at all.
I have talked to Caleb about sex and he knows how babies are made, in a very general term.
He has said he is uncomfortable discussing his bio dad with DH because he is afraid it will hurt his feelings.. He also seems embarrassed if anyone else finds out about his bio dad. He wants to keep it a secret that DH isnt his bio dad.
We are going to cont. to seek therapy. I have told caleb I was raised by a step father. I think some of his issues, are that he is so young and even though he tells me he understands I am not sure he does. He is confused as to why he doesnt have a step dad, he knows his father is his "real" dad in his eyes, the adoption means he is his real dad. He sometimes refers to his bio dad as his step dad.
I think his main fears are that he has no idea why his bio dad rejected him so he cant stop his dad now from rejecting and leaving him and it scares him. Dh had repeatedly assured him he will never leave him. I think that making a stronger bond between Caleb and DH is the only that is going to make caleb feel more secure and more bonded.

I am going to see what I can find on adoptive sites. I hadnt thought of that.

Stacey, I forgot to look for that book last night I have it on my sticky note list right now and will look for it tonight.

When I have issues about being adopted I have to speak to someone who isnt my parents and in my case people i know (family friends or other family members). I think your church or dr who isnt into medicating (because meds havent helped me at all) would be best. It's just not possible to say what is on my mind compleately to someone fimiliar and it is good to devlop trust with a stranger sometimes because you are starting from scratch and trust is built. even as a kid I said some hurtful things to my parents but still held alot in. Even now as an adult I still am well known amoungst my friends for being outwordly fun, crazy and vivatious in action but very dark and secritive about some topics and situations pertaining to my adoption and parent /child relationships in general. i've voiced my opinon on adoption on here many times and at one point thought i had over come my issues and wanted to adopt myself. But Obviously with recent outword reactions I am in fact not over it at all and am back to my original views on the topic.
I know adoption may seem a little differant but in one way it isnt. there is a feeling of abandonment and resentment. Anger is the outward showing for me. Usualy with bold threats or irrational actions.
I'd be ok to tell you more in PM but just so you know, his feelings are not unusal and I totally sypathize with him. I think it's great your trying to find him a path to begin understanding his feelings

Oh Stacy!!! I will be praying for sweet little Caleb.. My heart hurts for him and you too.