Vent!, Friend doesn't know limits

[victoire2002]

Well, maybe some of you have encountered this one before. We are actively ttc our #2 baby. I have a really good friend who has a son who is 2 yrs old. She never wanted to have a baby, and basically her DH begged her until she finally "gave in" and got pregnant. Well, she's 41 yrs old now, and has decided that though she loves her DS, she doesn't want to risk having another one. Besides that, I am not sure she *really* loves being a mother. I guess you could say she has made the right decision for herself.

Well, I made the mistake of telling her we are ttc right now, and I think she feels ****guilty*** because she is not going to have another baby. (She has actually told me that she knows she will be remorseful about her decision, but she is sticking to it for fear of Down's Syndrome, etc).

Soooooo, she basically tells me that I better "really think about it" and that perhaps I should "spend the entire day with her son, who is in the throes of his terrible twos" before I make a decision like that. She keeps warning me of how everything is going to get much, much worse as far as relationship with DH and stress of a 2 yr old, blah, blah.

I guess you can see where I am going with this! I just am so annoyed, and don't really want to say anything to make her upset, but I don't want to have the bear the burden of her guilt about not having another child! How do I tactfully deal with this? She really is a lovely friend besides this--- we've known each other for years, and she has had her fair share of heartbreak and hard times. She just isn't the motherly type, and though she loves her DS, it's obvious that having another would put her over the edge!

Any advice with how to approach this appreciated!

[MommyToAshley]

hmmm, that is a toughy. If it weren't for the fact that she is a good friend of yours, I would tell her that not everyone is cut out to be a Mommy. But, if you want to keep the friendship, I am not sure what I would say. Maybe you could find other things to talk about ... although if she is such a good friend, I would think she would want to share in your joy once you do conceive.

Well, I guess I was no help. Sorry. But, how about some hugs and I'll send you some good luck.

[Mommieto2Girls]

That must be really hard on your friendship with her. I would probley just let her know you badley want another baby and you will keep trying till you get another one. You might just end up having to be blunt about it, but first maybe try to hint about it getting on your nerves. Good luck and keep us in on how everything goes.

[paradisemommy]

maybe you could tactfully tell her - if you were a good friend of mine then you wouldn't try and talk me out of this because this is something that dh and i have talked about and really want. but then again, i think that if she was any kind of friend to you, she wouldn't have said those things in the first place.

[angelhair]

I agree with the other ladies, trying to concieve can be a stressful time as it is and to hear about the nagatives can be frusterating. I agree that I would try the other approaches.I would try saying, lets talk about something else when she talks about the gloom and doom talk. if she persiste, you can be blunt about it and tell her you are excited about a baby and that it is stressful hearing about all the problems. if she still persists then she obviously is to caught up in her own life to be considerate of yours and I think it would be perfectly ok TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BY limiting the amount of time you spend with her. if you are on the phone and she starts, you can say I have to go and hang up. remember, you do not have to subject yourself to her bitterness and negativity. just think when you do get pregnant, you want a friend who will share in the joy of the event, not a friend who will only bring you down to her level of misery. hope this helps. angelhaie ak dee. by the way good luck in ttc.

[Kirstenmumof3]

I would politely tell her that this is your decission and that you really want more children! Tell her you are sorry that she does not want another one! I think that was pretty rude of her to say anything and I think her judgement is a little clouded because basically she had to have this child! Good Luck Trying to Concieve! My first 2 are 23 months apart and it was busy, but they are bestfriends now!

[jcc64]

Having a new baby is always a leap of faith, and I believe that when people sight fear of birth defects as a reason not to conceive that there is really something else going on. You already mentioned her lack of maternal instincts. I'm sure she feels "threatened" by your desire to have another baby, but that is her issue, not yours. When children come into our lives, friendships inevitably shift. She is clearly being insensitive to your situation, whether intentional or not, the end result is the same. I think if your friendship is worth its weight, you should mention to her that she is upsetting you, and if she is really your friend, she hopefully will respond.
Good luck,
Jeanne

[Hillbilly Housewife]

How would she react if you told her to just drop it? Is she a really good friend? Because friends don't treat each other in a condescending manner.

I'd tell her that even if she feels she isn't capable of handling another one, you look forward to having another one...and leave it at that. If questionned or put down, just reply, like a robot: "I'm actually looking FORWARD to the challenges, hardships and most of all, the rewards of love."

[mckayleesmom]

Maybe she is afraid that if you get pregnant her husband will pressure her more into having another one. KWIM? Anyways I wouldn't take what she said personally. Sometimes people talk before they think. Only you know what your relationship can handle, and since you and your dh are PLANNING on having another little one, then you have already thought of the challenges.

[victoire2002]

Thanks, all. I am a bit upset over it. I definitely don't want to end the friendship --- as I said before, she is a good listener / friend normally, but that one topic was really a drag. We only talk about 1X per week, so I will wait and see if she brings it up again. Next time, I will be armed and ready to make her stop with this nonsense!!!

She just took me by surprise this time, and as I thought about it, I got kind of PO'd!

Thanks again for all the advice!

[victoire2002]

QUOTE (mckayleesmom @ Sep 4 2003, 09:49 AM)

Maybe she is afraid that if you get pregnant her husband will pressure her more into having another one. KWIM? Anyways I wouldn't take what she said personally. Sometimes people talk before they think. Only you know what your relationship can handle, and since you and your dh are PLANNING on having another little one, then you have already thought of the challenges.

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking! She knows that the "pressure" will somehow be on her if I happen to do this.

[coasterqueen]

Wow, this is a toughy. I would go with others advice on this one, lol. I had a friend that is not married, but really badly wants to be and really badly wants to have a baby. Her boyfriend left her after 7 years together and she really thought he was the one, etc. Well, I was there totally for her when he left, etc. It's been a few years now and she still talks about him and always cries when she thinks about not having been married yet or having a kid. She's 29.

I can't even talk to her about my marriage or Kylie because she gets upset about her life. She has met someone else and is engaged, but she still has a hard time listening to things about my life. I can't even go to her for advice, support, etc, because it depresses her for some reason. I felt that I couldn't keep going this way as friends so we only talk when we see each other at events, etc. It's sad becuz we were so close and she is really a great friend. I just couldn't be a friend that she needed becuz I couldn't even talk about my life at all and I couldn't help her with hers, etc.

I hope when she gets married, we can "mend" things and start over.

I hope your friendship with your friend does not end up this way. I would just try to give her time and see what happens. (HUGS)

[supermom]

I think that maybe you could say something like you know it's the right decision for you because you HAVE given it a lot of thought before you started ttc and it is something you really really want for both yoruself and your DH - then maybe she'll let up and "get it" - I didn't really read anyone's response yet, so if I duplicated it, sorry - but that might work without making her too upset.