what is the best way?, discussions with dh

ok, so I have some issues I want to discuss with dh, the thing is, we hardly have time alone anymore to talk. i cant talk in front of the kids, and they are always with us. by the time we get thru the days routines of meals and baths, and bed time, its usually late. dh has to get up 3am for work, so he likes to get to bed shortly after the kids. so that doesnt give me much time to bring anything up. I have attempted to the last two nights, and I feel like i am not getting thru to him, because he is so tired, and falling asleep while i am talking, and also, you know men, when you say those magic words.." honey can we talk" its like they start to shut down right there..
so my question is, since i have tried talking the last two nights, i am starting to feel like a whiner, because i am still talking about the same thing, two days later....and also i feel like he is going to think i am nag. so is it immature to write it all down on paper?
I was thinking i could do that and stick it in his lunch box and he could read it when he has time, with no interuptions.

i dont want to drop it, its something that is bothering me, but i could i guess wait and bring it up in a few weeks or so again, so as not to seem as a nag...its just i feel like the longer i hold it in, the more resentful i get.

what do you do to get dh's attention?

Well like you said, the longer you hold it in, the more resentful you feel...So I advise NOT to do that. What about planning a date? Do you guys ever use sitters? That's always a good time to talk.

It helps, as corny as it sounds, if I tell DH "I need to talk to you, just for 10 minutes" and we actually set the timer. I usually get what I need to off my chest, he has a few days to mull it over, then we talk about it again from his end.

we havent had a date in almost three years. we dont use sitters. we do not have any family in the state, and there isnt anyone else I trust to leave my kids with. and right now wouldnt be a good time for that, jake is just now starting to trust that his parents are not going to disappear again like we did when andrew was born..his behavior was out of control, and has just started to return to normal.

We hardly ever actually talk. I'm no good at it. I get distracted by what the other persons reaction to what I'm saying is and I forget key points to my "argument". I find that when I write things down, I can review them to get rid of any button pushing I may be doing and just get down to the root of the problem. Then I leave it for DH and he usually responds by either writing back (if it's a really hot topic) or sometimes by talking in the mornings before the kids get up.

I'm a big fan of writing letters and/or emails.

I think a letter would be a good way if you don't have time to yourselves. Maybe someone could come watch the boys and you two could have a night out to discuss things?

i wish my dh could read... lol

I like this idea too. Even if you don't set a timer, ask him for just a few minutes of his attention, get quickly to the point and if he can stay awake long enough to discuss it great, of not, then tomorrow night a couple of more minutes for him to respond Or getting to the writing idea, ask him if he would rather you write it down for him to read. That way he won't be surprised by a note in the lunch.

Keep persisting though - just heard a news story that women who don't speak their minds to their husbands have a lot of stress which leads to health problems. Get those thoughts out!!!! Those boys need a healthy mom!

Oh, and nudity does get a man's attention too!

This post has been edited by msoulz on Oct 14 2007, 05:24 PM

I think a letter is a good idea, but you know your husband and you know when/where is a could place to leave it for him.

I also suggest a date night... but maybe before then you could find a "fun" babysitter that could come over and play with the kids for a while (everyday or other day for a couple of weeks) so that they could see that your not going to leave them.. then maybe on a friday night you could go out after the kids go to bed. If something like that would work for you and your kids.

Or if you don't want to LEAVE them with a sitter - how about just having someone come over and watch them in their room while yall have a BBQ out back. Nothing like a steak to get a man in a good mood...well I guess there is one other thing

The only problem with letters/emails is they eventually just communicate with you this way. Believe me, please. Ryan was never good at saying how he felt. He wrote me the most wonderful letters, emails, texts, etc and it's been the only way he can tell me how he feels. So in turn that's how I began to communicate with him. Our relationship really suffered because of this. Just like reading something on a discussion board and how one "reads" things differently, that will hold true when reading what your spouse is telling you or they reading what you are telling them.

Find a way to talk to him. Somehow. It's better to communicate this way in the end.

I agree on this one.

As a person who has worked shift work, including night shift for many years. I fully understand his being unable to stay awake for evening discussions. This just isn't a good time for either of you to talk seriously, in my opinion. You're bedraggled from having the kids all day and putting them to bed, he's exhausted and you're still going to be uncertain how clear you can be in your discussion because you don't know whether the kids can hear.

Is there a neighbor or someone who could come over to watch the kids while you simply take a walk with your DH? Put the pot roast in the crockpot so you don't have to monitor it and just take a walk, letting him know that there's some things you want to discuss that are important to you. I think this would work because your relative absence from the house would be minimal, you'd get some "you" time with your DH, and any small harm that may have occurred will quickly be dispelled as you all gather for dinner.

Honey hire a sitter... and go talk in another room. That way the kids are being looked after, but you are still there if you need to be.

Writing it down also seems to help.. kind of like a "please reply at your convenience".

Karen has a good point too...it happened to us. Now when we need to talk about something we write it up in point form... brainstorm around it when we have a few minutes here and there...and when we have time to actually sit down and talk about it, we've usually each had a few hours or a few days to think it over and get over the initial feelings.