Friend is sleeping with a married man.

I had my suspicons and asked my friend, she confirmed that she is sleeping with a married man. He has a young child

I know its really none of my business, people make mistakes. But she doesn't seemed concerned..she is 'close' with the whole family, even stays at their home (they own a large property and run a vacation place there).

She stayed there last week and has been staying with us since she returned, she is leaving in the middle of the week to go home. We don't live nearby but she is a regular visitor - us to her, too. I have always highly respected her, looked up to her...trusted her wholeheartedly with my own family.

I have seen pictures of this man and his wife and child, and knowing what I do...my heart breaks for that woman and child.

I try not to judge, but this is someone I thought I knew...and I find out they are doing something I never would've imagined. I am struggling with this...dh doesn't know (yet, I will confide in him). My friend is acting as though nothing is happening, but I can tell she knows I am not feeling so flippant. I am struggling to look at her. It takes two to tango, and when it comes down to it, it's none of my business. But if you do it with one person, wouldn't you do it with another? What if it were my husband, or my children?

How can you respect someone so much, and find out one thing that crushes all that? I know her actions aren't my concern, but I am feeling very uncomfortable with her in my home. Not because I worry anything would happen - it's just that, I have always thought if my daughters grew up to be like my friend, I would be a happy mother. But now..no.

I know these things happen too often to think about..but I think of that child, and his mother. And of what I thought of my friend, and how it seems that all that has changed.

That's a tough one.... I can imagine I'd feel the same way as you, though. Respect and trust would definitely be gone now.
How does she not think this is wrong???

I had a friend who did this more then once.
I'd stay out of it..it will cause too much drama and waste tons of energy.
She is a grown woman and makes her own bed. let her lay in it if things go sour.
It's a sad situation but if she really likes this guy there is nothing you can do to stop her from making the choice to be with him.
like you said..it takes two to tango..he's just as at fault.

Have you thought about whether to tell the wife what's going on? I just ask because I don't know how good of friends you all are, or if the single woman is the only one you're friends with.
I agree with Nadya that it'd probably be best if you just stayed out of it, but I also would be wary of her. Who's to say she wouldn't fall for your hubby next? Not to say he would act on it, but even just having to deal with that would be stress to say the least.

That is very sad...all the way around, including your friend and the man who are choosing their own wants and desires over his family. You're right on all accounts...we all make mistakes, it's not necessarily your business, it's not your place to judge. BUT I do think if it was a friend of mine, whether you want to call it judgmental or not, I wouldn't be able to help pulling back a little simply because of the loss of trust and respect.

I agree, pulling back seems like a normal feeling too.....and frankly I wouldn't want a friend like this staying in my home with my husband and children. Her moral compass is obviously off track.

It's very sad.

I've left a friendship I've had since childhood for this same reason.

Ok, I hope I don't regret what I'm about to say here but I've been where your friend is, more than once. Granted I was very young and would not do any of those things today but it's human nature to want to push our boundaries and most of you know by now that I'm the type to push my boundaries more than most people, I've just always been the type to go against the rules and resist the establishment, so to speak.
One incident took place way back before my career in photography was even thought of--on a business trip with the full knowledge of several of my coworkers--I had a (married) coworker with whom there was flirtation and attraction but nothing more until we all went on a business trip, a group of us went out, got drunk, went back to the hotel, entered the hot tub, started a game of truth or dare, clothes came off, we got kicked out of the tub by security so we reconvened in one of the hotel rooms and things got out of hand...suffice it to say that our tryst was only semi-private.
Tbh, I don't have any regrets and I didn't break up any marriages but I wouldn't go there again, not with any guy, no way, no how. During that time and since that time, I've been hit on by several of my friends' husbands and boyfriends and I turned them all down flat...my point is that just because I had my indiscretions does not mean I was a hazard to any of my friends' marriages or relationships. Making bad decisions has its limitations too so dont' assume that your friend is any danger in your home.
The truth is that a man will not be convinced to cheat unless he wants to, no man is that weak and no woman is that powerful. It starts with the guy and any woman with whom he cheats is just incidental...if it weren't her, it would be someone else, it's only a matter of time. That doesn't make it ok and I know what I did was wrong, no question about it, but too many people blame the woman, she is just along for th ride and that is something it took me some time to understand back in the day when I was younger and more adventurous in this sense.
As for losing respect for her, trust me, this is something she has to go through...she is fulfilling an emotional need and the need likely has nothing to do with sex or love or romance and everything to do with some emotional issue from her past or current situation that she has to work through. This relationship will get her nowhere but that too is something she has to figure out for herself, trust me, nothing you say to her will change her mind.
As for your kids, hate to say it but they'll make their mistakes in life too. Hopefully nothing like this but I assure you this moment of indiscretion in her life is not contagious and your kids won't pick up on it and when she realizes the futility of the situation, she'll move on and hopefully you too can forgive her for this lapse in judgment.

very true and very good point

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

I don't know the wife, I have seen pictures of them though...with my friend

You all make good points, and I agree Jennifer - it is nothing contagious. It just changes what you feel you know about a person. I have always been deeply opposed to adultery, I am sure I have met many adulterers and not even known it. I guess it comes up against my faith, too...I strongly believe sleeping with a married man is wrong because marriage is coming before God and professing your love. At the same time, I think of what the Bible teaches us about not judging...in the end, it is not a choice I would make, and all I can is hope and pray this turns out okay. Especially for the wife and child who didn't ask for this, nor do they deserve it.

Having said this, I should note that I see some differences between your situation and my friends, Jennifer. My friend has been doing this in this man's home, while his wife and child are not home, and then masquerading as a family friend when they are there. I mean, to me that just seems like salt in the wound...to do it in the first place is wrong, but to do it in the home they have made as a family seems so much more tacky. Thank you for sharing your perspective, though, I appreciate it And you have learnt from your past. My friend....she is in her 30's...

Well, Nina, that is a very different situation. It appears the issue here is not so much that your friend is sleeping with a married man but rather that she is sleeping with her married friend's husband...now that is something I'd NEVER have entertained in my wildest, drunkest moment.
My issue with your friend is that she obviously doesn't value friendship...to be sleeping with her friend's hubby and all the while pretending to be her friend is beneath contempt. For this reason alone, I'd cease to be friends with her...she clearly has no value for friendship.
I also think that the husband is a piece of $**t on a level I can't quite express in words. He's far worse than your friend and that is saying a lot imo.
I'd not be so worried about your friend trying something with your husband so much as she's not a real friend, not to the woman whose husband she is "entertaining" and not to anyone, really. Anyone who would do that cannot truly be anyone's friend, imo. This is not a simple lapse in judgment, this is a cold, calculated, contemptuous action that imo cannot be redeemed in any way. Ever.
If it were me I'd cut ties and move on. You don't need a "friend" like that. No one does.

Absolutely said perfectly!

Sorry Nina this does not sound like a woman who could ever be a true friend in any circumstance.

Sadly, I agree with you both. And our most recent conversation just boggled my mind.

I asked how can you do this and show so little concern for the wife and child? She said that it is not their business, what he does with his personal life is his choice. I asked aren't you concerned how it will affect them if they find out? She said again it is his life, she seemed to genuinley not believe it is their concern at all. I pointed out that this could ruin the relationship between father and child and she asked why? Why should his father's personal life concern him or change his opinion about him?

I mean, come on. If your spouses personal life is not your concern, why marry in the first place?

She seems to genuinely believe that they are unhappy in their marriage, and married for business purposes (i.e. the business they own); they were apparently once married for love, but now it's solely for business purposes. I said okay, so they're 'together', but not together - their close friends and family know, and she has talked to you about this too. Her response, I kid you not, was "No, he has told me this. There friends believe they're happy, I believed it too until he told me'.

Come on How can it not click, the wife doesn't know!!! I got so confused with the conversation and after about 2 hours it is just so messed up. To summarise - the wife does not know, it is apparently not her concern, they are not in love but this is only information from the husband, they have been together 'too many times to remember', and to top it off I found out last night....he is 34 years her senior!!! I knew he was older, I thought he was in his mid to late fourties. Nope. He is older than her father.

I said plainly, look. This is something I am morally opposed to, but it is your problem. I can never agree with this nor understand it, and I told her I was ashamed to know she would act like this. I had to end the conversation because it was justification and distorted belief, one after the other, and I just said no. It's your problem. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem to understand how differently I feel now.

Dh and I were both civil and as friendly as we could as we were in circumstances where we were unable to say please leave our home, we had family visiting to say goodbye as this friend has gotten to know our family through us. Now she is gone, we are likely to let the friendship die calmly. After the absurd explanations given for her actions, and subsequent conversations between dh and I, we decided any confrontation is not worth it. She knows my morals, and we know hers. It's not worth anything. I'll tell you what though, it was excrutiatingly hard to be civil!!!

We are deciding now whether or not to tell our family what we know. On the hand, it feels like idle gossip...on the other hand, we feel they have the right to know as they will likely notice the friendship will cease. And I hated to see how well they get along with her, knowing what she is doing. My elderly relatives were hugging and laughing with a woman who has truly horrendous morals

Thank you for the advice and words of comforts, it is nice to be able to share this experience and have people offer their perspective. It makes me feel better

I think you're making the right decision regarding the friendship.
I am also betting that unless the wife is blind she prob knows something is going on.
As for telling your family, I don't think calling them up just to tell them is the best thing, but if they ask about your friendship then I would let them know the truth.

I dont think you should tell your family. It is not your place or your business to ruin another persons reputation.
She has done that on her own and it will come out before you know it, on it's own.

as for her answers..girlfriend is seriously delusional. She needs help if she thinks this doesn't affect the child involved and believes this mans life is his own. Your life is no longer your own when you have kids. sleep with a man who has a child, while he is still with the mother.. well she should ask Mya in all secret confidence how she honestly feels about her dad, it sure won't be bunnies and butterflies. Dont even go there with Brads wife Mya breathes fire with that one.

Bottom line she needs help..

I agree, pulling back seems like a normal feeling too.....and frankly I wouldn't want a friend like this staying in my home with my husband and children. Her moral compass is obviously off track.

It's very sad.

I've left a friendship I've had since childhood for this same reason.

Totally agree.

Personally, I would lose all respect for my friend, and would completely pull away from the friendship. If she had remorse for her actions, it may be different, but not caring at all about the marriage she is helping to wreck...I lose all respect.

I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I just don't like people getting away with crap like this. Your 'friend' sounds like a peach. Sometimes I just want to slap people.

I am really proud of you for telling her how you truly feel and for not being passive about it. I wish more people would tell it like it is.

Thanks ladies I've taken your advice, decided not to tell our family who are also friends with her. If they notice the relationship wanning and enquire, I'll just tell them we've had some differences in our relationship. They can ask her to explain more.

It's so gross though, I know people who have an age gap with their partner. But it just seems odd to me to have a 30 year old sleep with a 64 year old. His eldest grandchild is 20 years old!!

Let me give you another perspective...

I was in the wife's situation...

I had my doubts about my ex-dh's indiscretions... but never really wanted to know, because I had the illusion that everything was ok, even if i knew deep down that everything was not.

I knew in the back of my mind that things were not as they seemed... but held on to the belief that as long as I did not speak the words, it was not happening.

When I was TOLD about it... even though I already figured it was happening... it was only THEN that i felt the need to do something about it. It was like... now that it's in the open, I need to get angry... I need to leave... I need to grieve.

I believe I would have put up with it as long as necessary for the sake of keeping my family together... out of sight out of mind. It was when i was TOLD that my life unravelled.

As having been in the wife's shoes... she probably DOES know. Let's be honest... women know stuff. We always know. having our husband's indiscretion shoved in our face by a 3rd party is generally what pushes the wife to react... not the indiscretion itself...

I did not hold a grudge against my friend for having had relations with my ex. Hell, they had a CHILD together. I understood that my marriage was already messed up enough before the indiscretion that it was inevitably going to happen anyway, with someone, at some point... it's not like I had a happy marriage to begin with.

I suspect that the man in question, being older, likely has an older wife... and he's traded her in for a younger model. There could be a number of reasons... the wife might very well know what's happening and doesn't care as long as it's not a public affair... if it becomes public, that may be the catalyst to tear that family apart.

I'd keep my mouth shut, if I were you. This too shall pass.

oh my.. shame on her nad him. that s all i wanted to say about that. karla