Adultery, is this normal for marriage nowadays?

I find it odd that there are supporters of the girl getting beaten but yet no one objected to the man being taken back. How is it that the man is forgiven (in this case) but the woman's treatment is taken to the opposite extreme?

Because love is blind DV..lol..don't ya know that! The woman deserves to get her beating b/c the wife/so isn't in love with her..so naturally she must have seduced her husband into the situation! hoping that you note the sarcasm..

Must be the reason. Women who cheat are just persuasive homewreckers, I guess. I mean, she probably had to tie a noose around his neck to get him to take her to bed, ya think?

I think a lot of times it's even the other spouse's fault...the one who was cheated on. They just don't usually take the blame b/c they are the victim. That's just my personal observation, of course.

This post has been edited by Maddie&EthansMom on Apr 16 2008, 10:27 AM

See me personally, I could never take my husband back once he cheated on me. Sex is supposed to be an intimate thing between the two of us, it is not something that we are supposed to share with other people.

I would go after the girl only if she knew he was married and I would be completely done with him, no matter how much I love him. He would have destroyed something that was supposed to be only between the two of us.

Also, I've been doing a lot of reading about it being a physical thing for a man. In my personal opinion, I don't think it means he does not have morals, but it does show he does not respect the union of a man and a wife in something that God created for just the two of them. I wish I could find the right words of what I am trying to say......

See me personally, I could never take my husband back once he cheated on me. Sex is supposed to be an intimate thing between the two of us, it is not something that we are supposed to share with other people.

I would go after the girl only if she knew he was married and I would be completely done with him, no matter how much I love him. He would have destroyed something that was supposed to be only between the two of us.

Also, I've been doing a lot of reading about it being a physical thing for a man. In my personal opinion, I don't think it means he does not have morals, but it does show he does not respect the union of a man and a wife in something that God created for just the two of them. I wish I could find the right words of what I am trying to say......

DITTO!!!! I honestly don't think I could ever let him in my bed again with all the thoughts that would be running thru my head.

But, I would definitely be willing to explore the reasons why he strayed and I would find it in myself to forgive him for my sake. I think a lot of times men who cheat are viewed to be sex crazed jerks when a lot of times it's a deeper rooted issue. Same goes for women who cheat.

I couldn't agree more Aimee...a lot of the cheating I have seen has been a direct effect of the cheating mate feeling neglected physically or emotionally in some manner. Doesn't make it right..if that person isn't happy, they should end the present relationship before beginning a new one. But I also realize that people are human and aren't always using logic when dealing with love and lust.

However, I must say that I think most people will agree that as a whole, the acceptibility of cheating is not widely mainstream. It is depicted in most people's minds an immoral and wrong. I also believe most people tie one aspect of someone's life to another, without setting out to judge. We all do it! If I know that the lady down the street has been to jail for theft, when she starts her new housekeeping business, I'm not going to hire her! That is allowing her personal life to cast shadows on her business life. But that's life..I'm going to draw conclusions about her in general by the details I know of her. The same way if someone cheats on their spouse, the person that they willingly pledged monogomy to, then I think it is reasonable to think that this person may not place much value in the promises that they have made...after all, if they do wrong by their blood, their family...what cause would I have to believe they would treat strangers in business any differently? I do think that they go hand in hand..and of course..as with anything else...there are always exceptions.

This post has been edited by Boys r us on Apr 16 2008, 10:43 AM

I was just thinking and what really confuses me is why is any man or woman willing to risk losing their family for sex? Where is the reward in that? I mean, is sex really worth losing your family???

Not for me! but I presume there isn't a lot of thinking going on when making these poor decisions! I can only presume that the ones who do consider the risks of being caught either think that either they're slick enough to not get caught or that it's a risk they're willing to take, i.e. they may feel their marriage is already over and don't have the follow thru to end it..maybe they're hoping to get caught and then there may be those that think or know that even if they do get caught that their spouse won't do anything about it!

That's the point you're missing...it's not about the sex a lot of times. You can love more than one person and I do think that people who have affairs actually fall in love with someone else. They allow it and that's where the problem comes in. Naturally, when you love someone sex is just the confirmation. This is why I said that emotional affairs are far more dangerous than the one night stand. I don't want my husband falling in love with another woman, nor do I want him sleeping with another woman. I want to make sure he stays in love with me and I with him. You can't allow yourself to get close to a person of the opposite sex. Especially when your marriage isn't strong. I'm not saying you can't have male friends, but you should definitely keep that in check at all times and never cross the line with being alone or talking to them about things you should be talking to your spouse about.

Great dialog... and yes, Nichole and Aimee.. I got the sarcasm.

Lack of self-control comes in all shapes and sizes. People who try to quit smoking and who keep going back, dieters who can't stop eating, people not being faithful, people stealing- these are all examples of lack of self-control.

Some are chemical issues, some are hormonal issues, but it always comes down to a lack of self-control. If you think about it from the very simplest of terms, NOT smoking is easier than smoking.... as long as you can control yourself. The bigger issue is really "why" one gives in to that temptation, but that is probably a topic for another thread as it delves much deeper into psyche.

The temptations are always going to be there. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see women every day that I didn't think "oooh... she's hot". But did I go up to them and start talking to them?

I have been going to the gym more so I've been eating better. Does that mean I don't want my bottle of Yoo-Hoo and a package of Ho-Ho's? Hell no!!! But I don't.

Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts ALWAYS know they could easily get hooked again. That is one thing that keeps them from going back... because they will get out of hand and fall back into the same pit.

Cheaters are the same. They know it's wrong, but don't have the self control to say, "I made a commitment to be faithful so I'm not going to cheat". Of course a side issue is that it's easier to cheat than it is to break up the relationship/ family.... for them.

There should be a license to get married with a $1,000,000 fine if you get divorced. Maybe that would make people take it more serious.

Boy... glad I don't ramble... my posts would get out of hand.

So you think I should get fined a million dollars because my ex abused me and my baby and I filed for divorce?!?! There wasn't even any cheating going on.

Apparently I should have "put up and shut up".

Why would you kick her butt? He cheated on you.

Cause she knew about me. If she didnt know about then that would be diffrent. But she DID know. I knew who she was. If she knew nothing about me then I wouldnt have said a word to her.

Why would you kick her butt? He cheated on you.

When a woman knows a man is married, then she is just as guilty as he is and is nothing but a homewrecker! She deserves her butt kicked as well. Actually, sometimes I am even more upset at the homewreckers than I am the spouse.

Ditto. And me and him were never married thankfully.

Lisa, I think DV was just asking why you forgave him but wanted to beat her up...as if it was her alone that did this!

well i dont want to say this with out upsetting anyone , but IMO and from personal experience cheaters are cheaters if they do it once there gona do it again , well thats how it was done to me i forgave him ,he thought of ghee shes a sucker so i can just keep doing it and get away with it , well the second time was the last straw that broke the camels back ,i booted his tooshie out ! , as for the women who fool around with married men , how do i say this ,well they deserve an butt kicking for being stupid and crossing a boundry you do not cross but i guess homewreakers dont have morals , now i'm not saying i let my x hubby off the hook easily oh heck no he got his !

That's the point you're missing...it's not about the sex a lot of times. You can love more than one person and I do think that people who have affairs actually fall in love with someone else. They allow it and that's where the problem comes in. Naturally, when you love someone sex is just the confirmation. This is why I said that emotional affairs are far more dangerous than the one night stand. I don't want my husband falling in love with another woman, nor do I want him sleeping with another woman. I want to make sure he stays in love with me and I with him. You can't allow yourself to get close to a person of the opposite sex. Especially when your marriage isn't strong. I'm not saying you can't have male friends, but you should definitely keep that in check at all times and never cross the line with being alone or talking to them about things you should be talking to your spouse about.

I understand completely what you are saying and that makes a lot of sense.

Honestly, one thing I have realized lately that had my husband cheated on me in the last year it wouldn't have totally been his fault because I had been pushing him away and not even realizing it.

Not sure how you would have gotten that idea from what I wrote.........

Yup.... kick both their butts if you're gonna do it. Two-fer-one.

I agree very strongly with what Aimee said about keeping friendships with the opposite sex in check...I have a guy friend that is truly just a friend but it actually took work to keep it that way, which is why we aren't as close as we once were...that is the problem I have with adultery, when people make the choice to physically do it, often times they've had plenty of red flags that things were heading that way and done nothing about it

And I also agree with Jennie when she said people confuse lust for falling out of love with their spouse. The illusion of what a relationship with someone else might be is a far cry from love.

So you think I should get fined a million dollars because my ex abused me and my baby and I filed for divorce?!?! There wasn't even any cheating going on.

Apparently I should have "put up and shut up".

Nope...in that case your ex should have been fined because he didn't respect and love his wife that he should have. HE is the one that caused the divorce, if I'm assuming correctly.

WOW I haven't read the all replies, but personally I do not think it is normal, of course we hear about it all the time.

And until I am actaully in the situation I have no idea what I would do or if I would forgive honestly.....no idea!

There's two sides to every story, and I'd be hard pressed to hear from anyone who has had an affair (not including one night stands) that they were feeling 100% loved, secure, happy and safe at home with their spouse. Communication is a big key in all this... and if you don't have fantastic communication, there's no way to know 100% that your spouse IS 100% feeling loved etc... for all you know, your spouse might be feeling neglected and is missing some attention.

It's easy to place the blame on the other person... because it's so much easier to shove off the responsibility to someone else. If someone who is cheated on sets aside the anger and other negative feelings, and really looks within... i'm just about 100% sure that they could find some aspect of their life they could have done differently to prevent the other for going elsewhere for the attention they were lacking.

Sex is just that - sex. having sex with someone doesn't mean sharing intimacy with them. Just like sharing intimacy with someone doesn't mean that there is sex. To some, sex is the absolute sharing of intimacy... and you can have both... they go hand in hand... but they're not the same hand, heck they're a body apart and can be as far away from each other as they can be entwined together.

If someone who has been cheated on can look in the mirror and can truly say that they put 100% of themselves in their marriage... took care of all their spouse's needs, emotionally, mentally, physically...always made them feel good about themselves...kept the romance and lust alive... always let the other know just how much they love them... never fought... then by all means, go ahead and place blame elsewhere. Not saying it's completely that person's fault... but honestly if everything was so hunky dory, why the cheating?

great discussion, btw.

I could not have said it better Rocky!!!! ITA! (needless to say!)

I know what you're saying Rocky, it takes two to make a marriage good OR bad. But I don't think blaming the person who didn't cheat is anything but a cop out...what someone else does to me (neglects me, doesn't love me, etc) does not excuse my responsibility to the committment. No matter what my husband does or does not do, it still does not give me the ok to cheat. To me that is like an abuser saying you know that makes me mad, you deserved that I smacked you.

I think your point is valid, but imho it doesn't justify cheating. All marriages have their ups and downs, including mine which at times have been pure hell, but if certain things like your spouse not wanting sex enough or telling you how much they love you makes it ok to cheat then whats so wrong with it? Everyone has those lapses and dull moments and down right questions about should we stay together, is our time up, etc but I still don't buy that because one party is in a fog it's ok for the other to go somewhere else.

DH and I are friends with a couple who are dealing with this right now, it all came out during our lovely vacation. He says she treats him like crap, cut him off sexually, etc etc etc so he got a girlfriend. You know what? He's right, his wife hates him and it shows. Ok, then be a big boy and handle your stuff. Leave her then. Doesn't make the infedility anything less than infidelity.

I'm not judging others, and I'm not speaking from personal experience, I just don't agree that cheating can be explained away by saying "But my spouse didn't do such and such". For better or worse means even when I'm at my worst (by not contributing to the relationship in whatever way) the committment remains, and vice versa.

This post has been edited by luvmykids on Apr 16 2008, 08:30 PM

I didn't say it justified the cheating, just that with all that, both people could be held accountable in some part.

More or less, that the person who did the cheating felt a certain way because of their marriage situation (obviously some need wasn't met), and the person who was cheated on felt that they weren't accepted for how they were treating the other. Both are/were hurt, and without communication, they didn't realize that about each other. One took the easy way out and got what they were lacking elsewhere, and the other was betrayed because their marriage vows were ignored. But if you want to look at it that way...the person that "neglected" also ignored their vows by not cherishing, have and to hold, yadda yadda... just one is more socially unacceptable than the other.

Communication is VERY important... if you feel neglected, or if you feel you are neglecting your spouse, you need to talk about it and figure out what is being neglected, and what you and spouse can do to work on that.

("you" being general.)