Not cut out to parent a teenager, I need advice

[jodiec1973]

I am the mother of a 13-year-old son. He is a total jerk. I have two other children aged 7 and 8 and he is cruel to them. He hits, pinches, pokes, kicks them and whatevr else sounds good to him at the time. He refuses to do his homework. He argues about every little aspect of the day. No punishment seems to be enough. He thinks everything is a joke. A couple of weeks ago because he was in trouble he was sent to his room and would not go. He just laid on the couch and stared at me whenever I would tell him to go. So I got up and went over and grabbed his arm to pull him up and tell him to go to his room and he started trying to kick and hit me. I held him down. He still has a long way to grow before he is able to overpower me. I did not hit him or hurt him in any way. I was so mad that I sat down and just started crying. My husband keeps telling me that he will get better he is just a teenager. BULL*%$#! I am ashamed to say that when I look back there is not one memory of him being a good boy. He was a terror from the time he learned to walk. The bad part about the whole situation is that he goes to other peoples homes and acts just fine. I need to know what will get his attention. What will make him realize that we are not the enemy? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[Alice]

I'm in way over my head here, since my kids are little. But have you spoken to a counselor?? Call the guidance dept at his school and get some referrals.

[jcc64]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I also have a boy this age, and I realize their behavior can be so hurtful and destructive to the smooth running of the family, especially where their interactions with siblings are concerned.
However, as difficult as it is to do when you're so angry, you need to try and understand what is going on in his head before you can expect the behavior and attitude to change. In my son's case, he harbors intense and ongoing feelings that his younger brother is given preferential treatment. From my perspective, I believe this is entirely untrue- I am scrupulously careful about being fair, but that is beside the point. My older son's reality, however distorted it is, is his reality, and I have an obligation to address it as such. I can tell him till I'm blue in the face that I love him as much as his siblings, but it is a natural tendency to believe otherwise despite the facts (I know I felt the same way as a child).
And so, b/c he can't do much to get back at me when he's angry, he goes after my younger son with a vengeance. So much so that I believe he occasionally damages the younger one's self esteem. This, in turn, makes me furious, I lash out at him, and it only serves to reiterate what he believes ("You love HIM better).
Your anger at him is very palpable from your post. Don't for a second think that he is not picking up on that as another sign that he is unloved. Give him an opportunity to really vent- let you know exactly how he feels, and really listen- don't give in to the tendency to deflect and defend. If he comes away from the conversation feeling heard, it will be a step in the right direction, trust me. Make a night out with just the 2 of you to do whatever he wants- go to the movies, rent a dvd, play cards, go shopping at the mall, whatever.
I know how hard it is to reach out when they're so negative all the time. But if what you've been doing up to this point hasn't been working- it's time to try another course. Good luck and let us know how it's going.

[gr33n3y3z]

My boys never did that to me
But My John sounds alot like your son though
John is 18 and lived this long
John just had a smart mouth and very nasty to ppl. in the house but he knew better then to stike out his anger on anyone bc he knew what would happen if he did.
I think some kids are so dang smart they just dont know what to o with themselves an they make everyones lives misrable to no end.
Like I said he is 18 and turned out to be a great kid
So there is some light at the end of the long tunnel for you

[cindy_82461]

and I agree with whoever said a counselor...or the pediatrician can refer someone....maybe it's a chemical inbalance..you know how kids are when they go thru the puberty thing...they're certifiably crazy,lol. Maybe you can find something to hold over his head till he behaves....like getting a drivers license or a car....some great goal to work toward.

Ever day without a hassle, we put $ in a jar towards a car...every day where you're a pain in the butt, we take $ back out...

[Kirstenmumof3]

I think maybe you might want to look at Family counselling. I'm not in any way saying you are a bad parent, the fact that you posted here shows how much of a good mom you are. This might be just a teenage phase or there might be something else going on. Try taking him out one afternoon, go for a long drive (this way he can't get away) and just talk to him, don't lecture. Ask him if things are bothering him at school, maybe he is picking on his younger siblings because someone is doing this to him at school. Does he play sports? I know my nephew was a little hellion before my sister got him involved with Judo ( he was around 11), he is a totally different kid now. I hope things get better for you and your son! Keep us updated on how things are going.