Oldest Son is Hateful to Little Brother, My oldest son can't say anything nice

My wife and I are at wit's end. This has been going on for a while but has gotten especially unbearable over the last few months.
My oldest son (13) just can't say anything nice, or even act nice towards his younger brother (11).
ANYTHING my younger son says, my oldest son jumps on it with a criticism, or a negative statement, and he does it in such a harsh tone. He will also try to control what he can and can't do, despite our intervention. For example, if my youngest son wants to get something out of the fridge, my oldest son will start telling him he can't, or that whatever he's getting is bad for him, etc.
While the younger son does occasionally irritate his brother, for the most part he tries really hard to please him.
The constant negativity has to be wearing on the younger one. All he hears from his big brother is criticism, hate, and name-calling.
We've tried heading off the older one's comments, grounding him, making him pay a monetary fine, but none of it seems to work. I would love to hear if anyone else has had this problem. It's ruining everyone's lives in our household.

How about a consequence every single time he does it?

Are you consistent?

I think the same thing. There has to be a punishment every single time. Dont give up on it no matter how bad he begs and pleads. You have to stick with it. Good luck with it.

My almost 11 dd is the same way with her younger brothers now, especially with the 9 yo. For her I think it is because things come so easily to her younger brother while it's a little harder for her. Maybe a little sibling rivalry going on.

The constant name calling really gets to me because Cade is soooo sensitive and I can tell it really hurts him even though he tries to act like it doesn't sometimes.

One thing that has helped some was that everytime she calls a name that person gets a quarter. She seemed to be more motivated by not letting them get something good than by her getting punished.

I know exactly what you mean about it ruining things for everyone else in the household. That's how it is here. It goes in phases but pretty much everyday she has some negative thing to say. We had her in therapy but that wasn't getting anywhere. She wouldn't even talk to him. It is putting a lot of stress on the household. For her it is negativity about everything though, not just with her brother.

At this point we are thinking of a pshychiatrist but are really hesitant there.

Have you talked to him about it during a peaceful time to see if there is something going on that he needs to talk about?

I hope things improve for you. Please update us on what you do as I think it would be helpful to many of us with kids close in age.

I have to say we call him on it every time but rarely punish him. At first we kinda saw it as just normal sibling annoyance and figured it would run it's course. We only intervened for extreme cases. But it's gotten worse instead of better. The few times we do punish him it only seems to fan the flames, as his dislike for his younger brother intensifies since he blames him for being punished.

Then I would drill it into his head that this is HIS fault, for HIS behavior and it his HIS responsibility to change if HE doesn't want to be punished.

Sooner or later is is bound to sink in. Consistency is the key here, I believe.

Keep the ball in his court.... use the words YOU over and over and over. Dont allow him to turn it onto you or his little brother.

Good luck and keep us up to date on how things are going!

I have a similar problem with my sons. My 15 year old like to make my 5 year old scream. He leaves the 2 year old alone. He never hurts him, just aggravates him. I've noticed he leaves my 2 year old alone because he doesn't get much of a rise out of him. He is a little tougher than my 5 year old. He likes to tell him that he can't do something for tells him he has to go to bed. Try telling your 11 year old to try to ignore him. I know it is hard but when you ignore them they usually get bored. My sons reasoning is he is trying to toughen him up, but I tell him he is a bully. My 5 year old has started defending himself and tells him he is not his boss and he is fired. Being a parent today is difficult because there is so much outside influence involved. Good luck!

Punish him every single time... Soon he will understand that it is not his brother that is causing his punishment, but his own actions. I've got two boys who are two years apart and total opposites so I know what you're going through. Don't expect any miracles, just civility. They'll figure out their longterm relationships on their own.