Eating Disorders

I could use some help here. I had suffered from bouts of anorexia and bulemia during my highschool years and into my twenties. I eventually overcame it and lost over 60 pounds with diet and excercise. Since I met my husband in 2003 and had a baby I have gained it all back and find myself going thru cycles of starving myself and then purging when I do eat. I have done this on and off for over a year now and just recently admitted it to my husband. He had asked me before if I had made myself sick but I had lied and said no becauce I know he wouldn't know how to deal with it.
In his family you don't discuss your problems and pertend things don't exsist. He was hurt at first that I had lied but now I feel that he doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to ask me for fear of the truth. He loves me just the way I am but I don't like my weight or size. I don't see the woman he married when I look in the mirror and that bothers me. I know it makes no sense to put your body thru this but at times I feel it is the one thing I can control. Being a mother, wife, and single parent most of the time I don't get to control much.
Even now knowing he knows I still can't stop - its like my mind is programmed to do it. I will fight the desire for hours but can't sleep if I don't purge myself. I was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this issue or had any advice. I certainly don't want my daughter thinking this is a healthy way to live but at times I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I can't give you any advice except that you need to get some help straight away. If you keep on, I fear your daughter will know and start doing it herself or just be afraid and end up self conscious about herself as well.

I'm sorry to hear that your going throught this. Society makes everyone look fat and not like we should be. My sister went through a lot of anorexia and bulemia and ended up in a psych-hospital. She was suicidal too. It took a while for her to overcome it and she still is very sensitive and obssesive with her weight. I am very obssesive with my weight also. Even though I workout a lot and watch what I eat, I still skip meals and if I eat too much I throw it up. I just hate the FULL feeling. I have thought about going to the doctor because I know it is a problem, but I put it off like everything else.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But if you feel it is getting too serious, then you should go to your Dr. I think your daughter loves you the way you are and she wouldn't want to have a mommy that was sick. This stuff can cause a lot of damage after a while.

I am very sad that this has happened to you. I would suggest that you consult your doctor. He will be able to help you more than I could.

I wish I had something to say that would help - but please know we are here if you need to chat.

I don't admit this to many people, but I was a combination of anorexic & bulemic for probably 10 years. I would NEVER eat, but then when I did, I would get rid of it asap.
I over came it when I became pregnant with my oldest son b/c pregnancy was the first and only thing that could make me rationalize HAVING to be healthy. I ate when I could, but I had morning sickness the entire 9 months, so I only ended up gaining 15 pounds..which came off as soon as I had him b/c I went back to my anorexic ways and ultimately had to give up breastfeeding b/c of I wasn't producing enough milk due to not having the right nutrients to keep myself healthy, much less feed another person.
I continued with this until 5 years later I became pregnant with Braedon. Once again, when I found out I was pregnant, it gave me the strength to drop the eating disorder immedietely. This time though, my pregnancy was much much different, no morning sickness...so I ate and ate and ate..gained 80 pounds! I went from not eating to eating everything in sight..I blew up! AS soon as he was born, 40 pounds came off right away, slowly over the next couple of years after his birth, 10 or 15 more came off..but I made myself not push the envelope with losing the weight..I cringe EVERYTIME I look in the mirror. Thirty pounds isn't THAT much, I mean, I'm not huge, but the person I see in the mirror isn't the person I want to see or what I am used to seeing..but I have to have the willpower to be healthy for my two kids and stay away from eating disorders. I can vouch for the fact that eating disorders are so much like acloholism..you're never cured..it's always there. I struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's taken me almost three years to even be able to approach a diet. Because I've known I wasn't strong enough to diet healthily until just recently..so I've avoided the whole loosing weight thing until now. I've been dieting for about 2 months now and everyday I feel that urge to go all day with no food and once I overcome that and I eat, I have to fight the other demon, the urge to throw up or eat half a box of correctol! But for two months I've done it and I will tell you this is the hardest thing I've ever done....watching myself diet and SLLLLLLOOOWWWLLLYYY lose weight..because in my head there is the voice saying, "Nichole..why are you doing this..you've got 20 more pounds to go, you can have that off before april is over with..if you want" and ya know.. I know I could..but something inside me is keeping me on the right track!
I don't know what has finally clicked for me..but something has and I hope that you are able to find the strength to pull yourself away from this urge and get yourself the help you need sweetie. If you ever want to talk about it...or need someone who's been there..feel free to PM me!

I am so surprised that this is my first day posting and this subject has come up. Thank you, for appraoching the issue!
I have been bulimic on and off for ten years. I started after my daughter was born and occassionally I get a hold of it for a few months, but it always comes back. It is true, you are never cured. It is a struggle every day and even when I try not to think about it, I can't avoid my hatred for feeling "full"....I loooove the feeling of an empty stomach, because it reminds me every time I have a hunger pang that I am losing weight. I know how sick that sounds, but it is true. I eat mostly to avoid detection from my loved ones. My fiance knows I have struggled with this but I have pretty much convinced him I am cured. He doesn't ask most of the time, but I too think it's because he is afraid to hear the truth. I have a substantial amount of weight to lose though, so as long as I am still overweight, I keep telling myself I am not unhealthy and I am not in danger.
At first, when I started throwing up, I would get mad at myself for being weak and giving in "again" to the temptation.....but somewhere along the line, and I can't tell you where, I started praising myself. I would be in the middle of vomiting and hear myself praising myself. I'd be thinking "good girl, you are gonna drop this weight in no time"....the same kind of response a normal person would have for exercising all day. I allowed myself when I was in a bad marriage to eat myself to an unhealthy weight and now exercising is unbelievably hard. It isn't an option because breathing is difficult and back pain is horrible. I keep telling myself when I lose enough to make exercising easier, I will stop throwing up.
Anyway, you will notice in my siggy that I have "In recovery from E.D"....Every day I try to recover. SOme days I do good, some days I don't. But if anyone needs to talk about this ever, we sound like we have our own little support group here.
Again, nice to meet you all.
Amy

I feel so compelled to write about this, it's really amazing how many woman struggle with this. I am not sure if it's an actual weight issue that drives woman to do this or more of a "control" thing.. probably a combination of both.

I have dealt with this for over 20 years and have been in the hospital many times because of it. Not once did it have to do with being thin. It was the ONE thing that I could control. Eventually after years of therapy I learned how to control "it" as opposed to "it" controlling me... and yeah as sick as it sounds I was so proud of the fact that I would feel so hungry and that I wouldn't eat and I could control that..a very sick game. I eventually lost half of my two front teeth ..imagine that brushing my teeth one day and they broke off. I was devastated, they were fixed and I continued with therapy and now when I get that feeling, I think about what I don't feel I have control over...and usually I can isolate what is making me feel that way and find a way to control the issue...then the feeling goes away and I can eat... after years of that I now control those feelings very well..along with med's, I caused severe damage to my stomach that I will always have problems.

What is important as well is that now I have a young teenage daughter that I suspect may be in the beginning of an eating disorder. I am sure my constant eating issues havent' helped matters. Remember that the best role model for you child is the same sex parent! Best way to dictate how your children are gonna be in their adult lives is how they are living now with you. With my daughters urging I bought the book "Homesick" by Jenny Lauren ... anyone out there who struggles with this.. look past the weight issues and see if there is another reason why this could be going on... marriage, relationship, parent issues ...for me it was an over controlling mother, and a controlling husband...so I controlled what I could and that is what went into my stomach or didn't go in. It became bigger than me and eventually my body went into an anorexic and bulimic state where everything i ate came back up whether i wanted it to or not..it was a catch 22 ...don't do it..if you know it is happening get some help.. it is a very hard thing to control on your own...but once you figure out WHY you are doing it ...it's easier.. I know... I gained 30 pounds and everyone tells me how good i look now... yeah I am heavier but I feel so much better! Plus I am being a better "alive" role model for my daughter.













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So sorry to hear you are going through this! Although I am not as much of a help as a doctor would be, I can feel your pain. I too have been bulimic/anorexic on and off since I was a teenager. Things are much better now but I will agree with whomever said, "it never really goes away". It just doesn't. All throughout my pregnancies I was always very conscious of my weight gain but too scared to do anything for fear that it would possibly harm the health of my babies. Still, bulimia (on a much lighter scale than before but still) is still something I face today even, especially in the months following my daughters being born.
My career has required me to maintain a certain body type and so hunger has pretty much been a way of life for me for years now. It's sad but its the one thing in my life that is a constant struggle. I totally see eye to eye with you on this subject cause its something you can't really understand fully until you've been there.
For the sake of your family and yourself, I would seek help. It is a hard thing to do but it was necessary for me at my lowest point and can really do you a world of good before it gets to the point where you cannot turn back.

I just want to thank everyone for their comments, concerns, and helpful information. It has been 3 days for me without purging - that is the longest I have gone in over 4 months. I even treated myself to chocolate icecream last night without feeling guilty. Of course Jayme had to have some too - heaven forbid mom eat something and she doesn't get any. I know I know that 3 days may not seem like much but for me it was a long time. My husband was pushing me to eat more lunch on Saturday and I firmly told him I couldn't, he tried to push me again and I reinformed him that wasn't possible. I think he finally realized that if I did I would end up purging because he dropped the subject. I just can't have that full feeling and I am okay. I am not starving myself but eating enough to satisfy my appetite and stay healthy. My MD informed me on Friday that my HDL (good cholesterol) was low and I need to either excercise every day or drink a glass of red wine. The red wine would be the easy way out but I am going to start to try and excercise (wish me luck). I think if I start doing that then that will help with the weight loss and I will be able to slowly conquer this problem. If anyone ever wants to PM to discuss this feel free.

I'm glad you are doing well - how about posting each day if ya want to let us know how things are....I'll keep checking. Maybe it would help you ocntinue this streak?? Or would that be too much pressure??

Just want you to know that you're not alone. I have recovered from both anorexia and bulimia and have to say "it does get better". Yes, I do struggle with weight issues to this day, but rarely do I get the same a/b feelings I once had consume me at all times. I exercise a lot and I watch what I eat, but I haven't purged in over four years or more. I agree that ED's are not only weight issues. They are far deeper than that. Mine too was a control thing and I have yet to really kick the reasons why I feel the need to have control in my life. But I have kicked my habit to purge. Bulimia was also my way of dealing with pain. It's numbing. It helped me forget what was really going on in my life. But just know, they're are other ways, far better ways, to deal.

First of all, I'm not going to go into detail about my experience because that's not really what you need right now. Nor do I want to scare you into seeking help with stories of bad health. You know it's unhealthy, but stopping is really hard regardless of the fear factor. I reccomend counseling. I went to a therapist that really helped me "talk" about all the issues that were making me "feel" this way. Therapy doesn't work for everyone, but it's worth a try, especially since it sounds like you know this is a problem and that you don't want to be doing it anymore. Knowing is the first step.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You are taking a good step by telling your DH about this. I understand that he may not know how to help you, so it's really your responsibility to help yourself. My DH, god love him, was actually the one that called the therapist for me. I was mad at first, but know now it was how deeply he wanted me to get help because he truly loves me - all extra baby fat me.

Wow good for you!! I found one of the hard things was everyone pressuring me to eat. Sometimes it mad me more stubborn..because I could control it. I understand now why they did pressure me. It was out of love and fear.

I am very proud of you.. I am beaming inside because it's a start...a good start. That full feeling you have will be there for a bit. Your stomach isn't used to keeping food or having food in it. So sometimes it automatically wants to get rid of it.. but if you can concentrate and get thru it with breathing and living minute to minute.. you can and will get thru it....small sips of water helps as well. The best thing is to graze ...eat lot's of small meals.. or even snacks.. let your stomach get used to having and keeping food in it. People don't realize that when you starve yourself you slow your metabolism down and then your body goes into starvation mode.. you store and keep your fat and then your muscle is used for fuel. Not good.. if you eat healthy, then your metabolism speds up and with exercise you burn your calories alot faster and you don't lose your muscle...and you won't have that feeling of being tired and weak etc... Sometimes if you get nauseated from eating there are med's that your Doctor can give you to help you keep the food down until your stomach gets used to processing the food. Make sure you take a good multi-vitamin too.

If you would like you can pm me.. and i think it's a good idea to post how you are doing.. no one really knows or understands unless you have gone thru it. I know my family and spouse thought it was as simple as just eating.. and it isn't. My heart goes out to you.. you are not alone. Hang in there.. You can do it!!

This post has been edited by Gracee142 on Apr 12 2005, 07:17 PM

Well - I made it thru day 4 yesterday and now today looks like it is going to take all I have. I deal with more of a control issue than a weight issue. When I get stressed it is the one thing I can control. That is also why I smoke but one thing at a time. I am so touched by everyones support that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Last night was hard but I just looked at my daughter and remembered that I don't want her to grow up seeing me like this and thinking it is healthy. I will post everyday if you guys won't get sick of me - I can't promise anything as I am taking each day for what it is.

Thank you so much for the support.

Great... Day 4.. that is something to be proud of. GOOD FOR YOU!! Think of the nutrition that is going into your body!! For today.. try to think about what is setting you off.. what has happened to make you feel that today is gonna be a struggle.. and if you can isolate it (the reason..or even part of it) and find ONE simple thing to control the issue or make the issue easier to live with.. when you find you have control over those things instead of just what you eat and when you eat and whether it stays down... it helps to get rid of that feeling that you need to either not eat or get rid of your food. Also if you can leave the house or get out during the time after you eat.. I found I was less likely to purge if I was not at home.. and remember snacks....small meals.. it can start with a simple cracker.. or a piece of cheese.. it all adds up in the end!

Yes looking at your daughter is a good motivation ... she will know and it will scare her. I was looking at my daughter last night..she is just starting her teens. She is getting so thin and does not eat much at school for lunch.. she will only take a little (peer pressure to be thin). I am getting to the point where I am literally making her sit and eat before it gets too far..but making sure she has control over the other things in her life. Honestly do you know what stops me...is my teeth.. vain i know.. but looking at myself with two broken front teeth was not a pretty sight Then there was the expense to have them fixed. I don't want to lose anymore. I never thought it would get that far.. but it did.. I also missed my daughter's first year of school and 5th b-day and Halloween, Xmas because I was in the hospital..on her b-day she came to see me in the hospital.. she remembers that .. and still talks about it.
when they discharged me they made me keep a lock in my hand for IV for a week.. I can't say enough how therapy saved me.. it helped me figure out the issues that was causing this and taught me how to control them and fix them...and how to isolate those feelings ....and not to hurt myself... Now even tho I am the heaviest I have ever been my whole life.. at least I have the energy to make it thru the day with my kids Plus I have all my teeth still Another thing people don't think about is that when you do alot of purging your breath takes on a sour smell.. and you grow alot of downy hair on your face.. like baby hair and it never comes off unless you get it waxed off.

When you get that urge.. take a deep breath.. go outside.. have a small sip of water...distract yourself.. change your thought and you will fight yourself to change it but the more you try the easier it will become... instead of going day to day... go minute to minute and then hour to hour it's less pressure and so much easier..day to day is just too long... .Good Luck.. and remember you are only human... Be kind to yourself! Let us know how you make out good or bad.. We are here regardless!! It may seem like sometimes it's two steps forward...one step back.. but eventually you will get there start small..ok?

The problem that has set it off today is financials. Until I met my husband 3 years ago I was never late on anything. He brought with him a bad financial history and had to file bankruptcy. I am working so hard to keep my credit clean but it seems like we are falling further and further behind on our bills and he is making more money than he has ever made. But we have to spend out more and he just doesn't see that. He is driving over the road and everytime we discuss cutting back he spends on food we spend more on things he needs in his truck so he deosn't have to eat out as much. Makes no sense. I am just stressed today because of the bills and there is no money to pay them and he just doesn't care. I guess it is more frustrating than anything and know it makes no sense not to eat because of it. But its control!!! I am fighting it. I drank some hot chocolate this morning as I am not a big breakfast person and am trying to work up an appetite to eat lunch. Pizza sounds good - it is fatting but I could eat that without throwing it up - I think. Thanks for the support.

I know the feeling of not wanting to eat. I have gone for days without food, but it wasn't about weight, it was just depression and to test myself.

Since it doesn't stem from weight, I can't help *much*. Would eating your foods without any added fat as much as possible help you to not want to purge? Knowing that you haven't put anything into the food such as butter or any extra oils, condiments, etc...maybe you would feel better about it because you are using food as fuel for your body rather than pleasure for your taste buds?

You could try placing the focus of control on the portion size of your food and how it is cooked and prepared. ? Get a food steamer and steam your veggies, bake your meats. For meats try seasoning them and baking instead of adding oil and fats and frying. For veggies, sprinkle a little seasoning also or a pinch of salt and pepper, or just eat plain. Staying away from processed foods as much as possible will also help by knowing that you are only putting food in its most natural state into your body. Carbs are good, so don't try to cut those out like the Atkins dieters do. Studies show that people who go for low-fat vs. low carb lose the weight slower but keep it off forever if they keep it up. Atkins will shed the pounds quickly, but after a period of about a year it will start to lose effect and pile back on slowly but surely. But too many carbs aren't good either, so try not to end up eating cereal for breakfast, and sandwich for lunch, and a burger for dinner, ya know? LOL..a good balance of carbs is a benefit.

Maybe exercise would help also. Walking or a program that you can do in your home? There are a huge variety of workouts that you can do in the privacy of your own home...low intensity and high intensity, whichever you prefer.

I hope you get better and let us know if you need anything!

I congratulate you on four days. That's absolutely great.

Okay knock me off my soapbox if I take this too far. First of all, please let's NOT TALK ABOUT FOOD. No offense to anyone, and I'm guilty too, but talking about food whether it's healthy food or not, isn't the real issue. It doesn't get you anywhere except further into your ED. When I tried to stick to a "certain" diet, it always back fired on me because if I didn't have the opportunity to buy my "safe" food or I was out at a restaurant, I would be right back where I started, and that was binging and purging. It's feeling like you HAVE to "obey" or "control" your eating that's causing the viscious cycle to begin all over again. Yes, I agree that eating healthy is good for you and if you're not eating at all, well it's time to start. But simply saying I can eat this and be okay and if I eat this I'm bad, is simply an ED in itself.

Anorexia/bulimia for me was clearly not about my weight, because believe it or not, I have never been overweight. Okay, that's besides the point, but it's a misconception to think someone who is "thin" has an ED. My mother still to this day gives me that look every time I go to the gym or drop a size. I workout for pleasure, never to lose weight.

I look at it this way. Controlling your weight is only a symptom of your ED. Not what's causing it. You need to discover what other underlying issues are causing you to isolate yourself and seek comfort in the action of b/p (binge/purge). First of all, you can not do this alone. I do love these boards, but no offense again to anyone, you need to talk to a live person about this. This is a good first step, but since bulimia is typically something done in isolation, you need to get out there and find help outside the home.

Personally, my issues were not only control, but wanting to please everyone around me, my family especially. So once I learned A) I was NEVER going to please everyone that I needed to truly LET GO of ever feeling insecure that I have dissapointed someone in my life C) that I am an adult now and it didn't matter what my parents say or did to me in my childhood, did I really find recovery. I do still struggle with these issues, but I am 100% RECOVERED from my ED. It is possible!

I'm not saying that my issues listed here are the cause of YOUR ED, everyone is different, but maybe you can relate and see that we are here to listen. And please know that it really does help to talk to a professional about this. We are not professionals here. It sounds like your financial situation is tough right now, but I think my DH and I were the most broke we've ever been when I went to therapy. My T would let me pay what I can. It was $70 a session, once a week. It sounds high, but maybe you can find something even cheaper. Here's a site that helped a bit Somethings Fishy. KEEP US POSTED PLEASE!

Woops. I don't know how that smiley face with sunglasses got in there!! First of all, I want to clarify that I HAVE been overweight, but I've also been underweight. And my point is that by experiencing both, it didn't make me more or less into my ED. It just goes to show that weight is not the issue. I am what some people may call "in shape" today, and it angers me when people assume I have an ED because I work hard to steer clear from it. The important thing, whether I'm a little heavy one year, and lighter the next, is that I am fully recovered. I hope you get there too!

I screwed up on the link. So I'll try it this way http://www.something-fishy.org.

Take care !

Well CONGRATS on day 4....and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME...you cant get to tomorrow without living for today. Keep looking at that beautiful child you have - and no we are on your side.

Day 5 - I am now working on Day 6. But I am so frustrated with my husband's ex-wife and my step-son's school situation that I am starting to feel like I am losing control. It is days like this that are the hardest for me. AAAAAAAAAA!! I want to run away from it all. Take my daughterand go somewhere with no phones, tv, etc.

Again, I know how you feel Today I turned off the phones and didn't answer the door. I gave myself the gift of a quiet day That is how I controlled the day If people didn't like it.. I really could have cared less. I took care of me!

If there is something that you know you can eat and won' t make you feel sick..by all means eat it.. my Doctor had told me to eat whatever I wanted and just like one of the earlier post's says... don't worry about being on some kind of diet. BEsides...pizza isn't bad for you.. it can have all of the four food groups you need in it

How did today go?

I totally agree with what you had to say... I had never seen that site before and I checked it out. Some very good information on it. Thank You very much for posting it!!

I also agree with you when you said that altho this msg board is wonderful.. nothing can take the place of real live people! There is nothing like a real hug.. or a real smile...this is a great place for support but can also be very isolating...the internet can be a place of smoke and mirrors and nothing can replace a live, caring human being. I hope no one takes offense to this but I have seen many people allow this kind of interaction take the place of real life. Again I also agree that a Therapist is the best person that can help with an ED. ED can be 100% cured..esp with help from a trained professional!

Good advice!

Day 6 went real well. I did think of it this afternoon because I wanted to go home from work. It was a day from who knows where but I didn't. Yeah me!! Tomorrow the baby has her tubes put in so I will be to busy to do anything tending to her on top of early school pickup and PT confence. So all goes well It will be 7 days. Thank you again for all your support. I am going to try and check out that website tommorrow it has been crazy and haven't gotten a chance.

Yeeeaaahhh..that's great!! Good Job!! Good Luck with your baby tomorrow and the PT interview I hope it all goes well!! Busy Day for you! I commend you for doing that .. you are a wonderful Step mom.. I wish I had someone like you for kids stepmom!! MY X hasnt had great taste in his new GF's but my kids are hopefully on the up swing now..I am super tight with them...so they get more than enuf love and attention from me