Whoa, what would you do, a hard one

That age is a tough one. You don't have to leave your child alone for things to happen. A school bus ride home is all it takes..just look up some stats on that! It happens! A LOT!

I perceive Des's boyfriend thing to be one of the types that actually a middle school type thing. don't you all remember? "I'm going with Jon" or "he's going with cindy" It's not about GOING anywhere, that's what "dating" was referred to.
and it didn't mean anything excpet that you were boyfriend and girlfriend and you didn't actually go out outside of school..you just wrote each other notes in school and sat with each other in lunch...now a days, I suppose you just send each other text messages. Everyone had "boyfriends" at 12 and 13..

now..I totally agree with Jeanne! If she's actually going places with this boy or without parental supervision, ya'll need to reel her back in ASAP!!!! She's a child and needs boundries and limitations, she's not capable of making decisions that could alter the rest of her life right now! I whole heartedly agree about the not deleting the texts and if you find any were deleted, take the phone, you HAVE TO follow thru! and you can get a breakdown of how many texts she sent/received per month. And I'd let her know that and then I'd ask her to hand over the phone when the bill comes! That, is not an invasion of privacy. As far as I'm concerned, if you have a reason to question something, there is no such thing as invasion of privacy when you are a parent. That's your job! If she got pregnant at 14 and everyone throws their hands in the air and says, "well I thought she might have been fooling around, but I didn't want to intrude on her privacy by checking her texts to see what she was up to"..then THAT is failing her as a parent! Now, if you have no reason to suspect any bad behavior, then there should be limits on privacy!

You are such a good mama LeaAnn and she is lucky to have you behind her!! Just remember though, she might hate you because of it before she grows up to respect you for it!

This post has been edited by Boys r us on Apr 4 2008, 05:31 AM

Oh I wasn't trying to imply that parents are going to just expect their kids to step out of line and let them get away with it. I'm sorry if I came across that way. I guess I'm just disturbed by the overall feeling that parents don't really have any control over their kids so get used to it. I know my kids aren't perfect and may have things we have to deal with, but I believe it is possible to raise them in such a way that they will respect the rules that they are given and follow them-maybe not to the letter, but hopefully close.

Oh gosh that's not what I meant at all. I guess "expect" wasn't the right word to use here. If I'm naive enough to think they won't do anything "bad", then how do I know how to handle the situation if they do? I don't want any surprises. I don't want to tell them "You will never do ______." Because if they end up doing ________, they will hide it from me and then that starts a cycle of lying and deception. I teach them consequences for their actions now and I will continue to do that throughout their life, it's a part of parenting. Like I said, there are things they both try to get by with now and that won't change, the only thing that will change as they get older is WHAT they try to get by with.

Oh gosh that's not what I meant at all. I guess "expect" wasn't the right word to use here. If I'm naive enough to think they won't do anything "bad", then how do I know how to handle the situation if they do? I don't want any surprises. I don't want to tell them "You will never do ______." Because if they end up doing ________, they will hide it from me and then that starts a cycle of lying and deception. I teach them consequences for their actions now and I will continue to do that throughout their life, it's a part of parenting. Like I said, there are things they both try to get by with now and that won't change, the only thing that will change as they get older is WHAT they try to get by with.

Lol! Alrighty then! I get what you are saying.

Just want to second what Aimee said. There is a vast difference between being cynical or defeated as a parent and simply being a realist. I prefer to parent with my eyes wide open, and to be prepared should my kids make mistakes or occasionally jump off the tracks. I can only go by own experience. My parents were both high school teachers- I was kept on a VERY short leash- and I was perpetually being scrutinized by all of the other teachers in my school (who happened to be my parents' friends)
I know for a fact that my mom felt pretty smug about me- she was sure I was a 'good kid' and because of all of her rules, felt that she had me under complete control.
But where there's a will, there's a way, and believe me, there was a will. I knew there were consequences, my parents were strict, but I also thought I was smarter than them, and I got very good at sneaking around- claiming to be one place but really being someplace else. I was a very efficient liar- and I justified it by believing my parents' rules were ridiculously unreasonable. All's well that ends well- I do think my parents' oversight kept me from ever going too far, but in no way shape or form were their rules nearly as effective as they believed at the time.
Another quick example. My 15 yo ds' bff has a 99 average in all honors classes, plays 3 sports, is a great kid, and accordingly, his mom thinks he is infallible. A few weeks back, I picked him up from a sleep-over at another kid's house, along with my own kid. He threw up all the way home, and I knew he was hungover. I tried to tell his mother, and she didn't want to hear it, believing it was the mexican food they ate. I know for a fact this isn't true, b/c I got my own kid to spill the beans. This mom didn't want to hear it, b/c she believes her kid has been taught right from wrong, and wouldn't want to engage in such self-destructive behavior. She doesn't want to know, and so, she won't.
I want the best for my kids, but I also want them to know how to function in the world- how to make decisions when I'm not hanging over them, watching their every move. B/c once they're away from me in college, I want to know they're not going to gorge on all the freedom and not know how to handle themselves.

Jeanne, it's amazing to me that you and I have ever butted heads on any topic..b/c I right now I feel like you're in my brain saying everything I'm thinking!

Needless to say here, I agree with you completely. I have witnessed the whole good kids gone bad when they get a taste of a little freedom scenario too!! I just think you can't be so gullible to believe kids aren't going to do bad things, no matter how closely you watch them!

This post has been edited by Boys r us on Apr 4 2008, 08:33 AM

I hope this wasn't directed at me (although I suspect it was ) because I am not gullible. I was one of those closely watched kids and, for the most part, I just didn't stray. I didn't want to-I not only followed the rules set by parents, I believed in the reasons and the morals behind them. My parents instilled values in me from a young age, values that enabled me to make wise decisions as I grew up. That is what I hope to do for my children.


ETA: LeaAnn I'm sorry-I did not intend to hijack your thread!

This post has been edited by 4littleladies on Apr 4 2008, 09:25 AM

I totally agree with you Jennifer. My parents raised me to be respectful and obedient, but they also instilled in me the good values that made smoking, drugs, dressing immodestly, and fooling around with the opposite sex things that I just didn't want to do. They didn't have to watch my every move - they knew they could trust me because I trusted them when they told me those things were wrong. I stayed away from those things because I didn't want to disappoint my parents, but also because they had taught me that that stuff was wrong in God's eyes and I wanted to be the kind of person God wants me to be.

ETA: not that I wasn't watched at all. I'm sure my parents did keep a close eye on us, but they didn't make us feel like they were breathing down our necks. And if we had ever broken any of the rules about boys or any of those other things they would have dealt with it in a way that would leave no doubt in our minds as to whether we'd be caught dead trying it again!

I think there is a huge difference between being "up your kids butts" watching their every move, and teaching them good values and expecting them to follow them. If my parents had taken that approach with me I probably would have been pretty tempted to rebel too.

This post has been edited by ~Roo'sMama~ on Apr 4 2008, 09:48 AM

This sounds exactly like me. Exactly. The only thing is, I have 3 older brothers who were raised in the same house as I was and you would never know we were even related, much less had the same parents, lived in the same house. They made their own choices and I made mine. The lifestyle they chose never appealed to me whatsoever. I'm trying to figure out why it appealed to them, why they chose that path and will my kids do the same. That's the thing that keeps me up at night. My parents raised all of us with the same morals and values. There wasn't one Sunday morning, Sunday night or Weds night where we didn't attend church. My mother was PTA president and on top of everything we did. My dad was a hard worker, both parents are affectionate and attentive. They supported everything we ever did. They had/have a great relationship...there was never any fighting in our house. But somewhere in there they had their own will, regardless of the "perfect" family life we had. I still don't believe my parents did anything wrong. Someone recently told my mom (in bible study) that it's b/c she was too controlling, in a roundabout way. Funny b/c she really wasn't.

I don't think there is an answer, but I do think that kids have too much freedom these days.

No, jennifer. I wasn't really directed at anyone..just a general statement about lots of parents that as a mom of 2 school aged children, I see who ruly believe their kids will do anything wrong!

I guess I was just an amoral heathen, then.

Not sure what cell company you have but one of the parents who was in my office the other day was able to get every single text message her daughter sent and recieved. She's 13, she can have privacy but she seems to be sneaking a lot lately and it's better to know then think of yourself violating her.

Well, considering that when I was 12, 13, 14 that my parents had an alarm on the house with a code I didnt know, and video cameras outside, no, I was unable to sneak around.

Not to mention that I wouldnt have even dreamed of trying it b/c of what my parents wouldve done to me when they found out, and trust me, they would have.

If you REALLY dont want your kids to sneak around & do what they arent supposed to do, there are ways to do it. Just ask my parents

I hope this wasn't directed at me (although I suspect it was ) because I am not gullible. I was one of those closely watched kids and, for the most part, I just didn't stray. I didn't want to-I not only followed the rules set by parents, I believed in the reasons and the morals behind them. My parents instilled values in me from a young age, values that enabled me to make wise decisions as I grew up. That is what I hope to do for my children.


ETA: LeaAnn I'm sorry-I did not intend to hijack your thread!

Yep, this is me too.

OF COURSE kids will try & sneak. Thats a given.

But I plan to raise my kids as well as I can, I plan on not giving my preteens a ton of freedom to get themselves into trouble (b/c kids are great at that!), they will have to earn freedom as teenagers, and I am going to be very very strict with them.

I know my kids will get into mishaps. I did as a kid, even with very strict parents. BUT, I was not talking about sex with guys as a preteen, I wasnt EVER allowed alone with a boy at my home, my parents monitored what I was doing, where I was going, called other parents, didnt allow me to go to places they didnt approve of even if my friends were going, didnt allow me to go to houses of friends whose parents they didnt know, etc....you get the picture.

I'm so glad they did, because they kept me out of a LOT of trouble. A LOT. I was a complete angel compared to my friends & really, I wasnt totally an angel (esp around 17)...thats how much "stuff" my friends were into, esp the ones who had parents who just really were not worrying about what they were doing.

I respect my parents a lot for caring about me enough to be really really cautious with what I was and was not allowed to do. I really love them for helping to keep me from making even more mistakes than I did. Plus I never wanted to disappoint my parents. I respect them too much.

Thats what I plan on doing with my kids. I will be really cautious with my kids. I also will teach them what we consider right and wrong, and teach them the reality of the consequences that making bad decisions bring. I've made plenty of my own mistakes, and I dont want that for my kids. Hopefully I will do a good job of keeping them safe.



This post has been edited by Cece00 on Apr 4 2008, 06:32 PM

CeCe as well as some others. We do monitor Des very closely. I think my OP made it seem as if she just runs buckwild which is just far from the case. One person said it's wrong for parents to be up their kid's butts without a reason for it and that would have caused them to stray....my parents did exactly everything you mention your parents did and then some...I still strayed ok This is what scares me. It's good to hear that people expect their kids to do things from the morals and values they are taught but I can tell you first hand since I have a 12 yo stepdaughter, people seriously need to open their eyes. It's fine to expect your children to do good and by all means until they give you a reason not to trust them, then that's all you can do is trust them, but I'm seeing the same things Jeanne is when it comes to these kids, now I've never seen one get drunk before, but I have seen straight A, atheletic, talented, parent's think they hung the moon kids seriously do some bad stuff and I've heard it first hand from Des and her friends. I'm talking engaging in sexual behavior at school.... When you think they are doing schoolwork, kids can get away with stuff believe me. Now...the whole text thing I'm not worried about. We had a long talk with Des, she knows we can pull her transcripts, she cried and everything because she said she swears she has done nothing wrong, she knows we can pull her transcripts which is all the more reason for her not to text anything bad. She said she deletes her texts because she gets so many that her memory fills up fast and she has to delete them anyways to get her next text. I believe her, I honestly do. We didn't reveal our source and for the life of me I don't know why her friend would lie, but I believe Des. She knows we can pull them and she told us to pull them so we could prove that she wasn't doing anything wrong. I actually felt bad because I think she felt accused. She assured us that her "boyfriend" was not talking sexually to her and they have never discussed anything sexual and that is far from being on her mind right now.

Nic, you hit the nail on the head, it's a middle school thing, I go with Dan, I go with Christine, that's my boyfriend. Will you go with me? They hold hands. Des is not allowed to be anywhere alone with her boyfriend whatsoever. We didn't realize Brian's mom was letting her go walking around with him and other friends, they still weren't alone, but heads rolled seriously. Des is no longer allowed to stay the night there anymore for a long long time. Most of the time they walked to the corner (White Castle) and back but still...I don't approve of that, neither does Brian neither does Staci. Des is a good kid, I have to trust her. I believe in her and I hope and pray she continues to keep the lines of communication open. I just wanted to say my piece because I think it was being perceived by a few that Des runs wild or we have no consequences etc.....we do believe me. She knows that we do. The notion that my kid will never....well we'll all have to agree to disagree on that one, I know from first hand experience what kids will do.