DH left without saying goodbye

DH and I argue from time to time like any couple and yesterday was not really a big fight, but it's 7:30am in the morning and he has already left for work without saying goodbye. I'm really hurt and don't know what to think.

The scenario: (please tell me if I'm wrong) DH called around 5pm yesterday evening and said that his work presentation was most likely cancelled (which was scheduled sometime in the evening). So in hopes that he may get off earlier than expected, I asked if it were possible I could get to the gym to take a class by 6:30pm? He said he would try, but no promises. I said okay (I really was okay either way). So around 5:45pm, he calls again and says he's on his way home. Super, so I got dressed to make it to the gym. When he arrived, I had the refrigerator open and was trying to find something to make for dinner. We were pretty low on food, but I didn't want to spend $ on takeout. DH kept saying in an annoyed tone "I'll just figure something out". I got a little grumpy at his tone and explained that it made me feel like he was disappointed that I did not have a meal already prepared or that we were low on food. He said it was okay, but continued to sound a bit ticked off, making a face that he was overwhelmed by having to take both kids and figure out for himself what to eat. So I grabbed some things out of the frige, plopped them on the counter and said "okay, there is a meal, it's not that bad Rich". He said "why do you seem mad?" and I went on to tell him that as his wife, I feel pressured to always have a thought-out meal on the table, so his behavior just seemed unappreciative, as if he was annoyed that he would have to fend for himself or that I didn't get to the store. He said he didn't feel that way and then turned it around so that he was the one now mad at me. I went to the gym, came home to find that he cooked dinner. I thanked him, we ate together in silence and we went to bed.

This morning: no kiss goodbye, no helping out with the kids breakfast. Just gone.

I don't think either of us is right or wrong here, but I dispise how he turns things around, especially when he has always asked me to be honest and express how I'm "reading" his behavior. That's exactly what I was doing last night, but then he ends up being mad at me for being mad at him, kwim? So now I feel guilty, yet I'm the one that was hurt in the first place!!!! So I bet he won't call all day and will come home even more worked up then he was last night. By this time, I will have completely let it go and will end up being the one doing all the apologizing. Just seems like the same scenario, over and over again.

If you have read this far, thanks. I didn't know this would get that long.

I know what you mean about the whole you will be over it and then you will be doing all the apologizing. I have done that more than once. I dont think you were wrong if he is the one that had the attitude. My DH does that all the time. He will say he isnt mad but you can hear it in his tone that he isnt happy. I hope yall work this out piecefully.

I cringe at the familiarity of that scenario, Rae! Sigh. George is so good at turning things around in any disagreement---and he has never, ever apologized first. If I want things to get back to normal, I have to go out on the limb every single time. I do resent it. Those petty little domestic squabbles are normal, like you say, but the cold shoulder really disappoints me as well. Especially when, just as you say, they are capable of more self-awareness and forgiveness and are willfully withholding it!

I go through that ALL the time. Maybe he will be better later.

I agree with the others. I do think people do those things, not just out of spite or anything of the sort, but because they are afraid to say what they really want to say. I'm a bit like your DH's. Maybe your husband really expected you to have dinner on the table since he worked hard all day; maybe he wondered why you didn't - I'm not for sure, but obviously saying those things to you might have hurt more so he did what he knew best to do. I know I tend to do this a lot, myself. Not even sure if I'm making any sense with this either.

Actually this very domestic scenario was discussed when we went to see a marriage counsellor.

because I got into the habit of cooking dinner for my family, my husband gets annoyed, or at least seems to, when I don't. It's not that he's actually annoyed... it's that possibly during the drive home or what not, he got to thinking about what I made for dinner, and he gets hungry etc... and gets a big thought process in his head about the dinner... and when he walks in and what he thought about isn't there, he's dissapointed. It's not so much that he's dissapointed at me, but rather dissapointed at the fact that what he'd thought about in his mind wasn't true.

One of the communication solutions that we came to, was that we made a list of about 50 meals that we both enjoy. We pick them out of a hat, so to speak, and those are the weekly meals, that's what we eat, too bad so sad. It's food we both agreed on, so it's not like i'm going to make something for dinner he doesn't like or whatever....

of course it happens that we have off days and plans don't go according to themselves... so we have emergency foods, such as cans of stew, hot dogs, soups, cans of spaghetti sauce etc that we can just throw together last minute.

Now - dh doesn't expect dinner to be ready when he comes home... and I'm usually pretty good at having it cooking and almost ready by the time he walks in the door...

and - if he's feeling very hungry that day, for some reason, he will call me around 4:30 and tell me that he's pretty darn hungry, and will ASK me if I could have dinner ready for when he gets home. A lot better than acting like a complete jerk for my not having lived up to his fantasized expectation.

This is us Rocky, to a T. Course I'm your DH and my DH is you. I feel the same way he does when I come home and dinner isn't there. But I'm more at fault because I get disappointed when he cooked something I wasn't really in the mood for. I know I'm terrible and expect him to be a mind reader.

The meal list has worked for us because I have NO excuse to be disappointed or upset when I know that morning what I'm having for dinner that night. Course I do still get annoyed when I come home and dinner isn't on the table, or at least cooking. We both work, he gets home before I do, so naturally he cooks.

Ok, sorry to go off on my own little thing. It was just nice to read your reply as I can relate to it.

I don't know Rae..as far as him being upset with you for not having dinner ready. Perhaos the two of you need to sit down ONCE this issue at hand is behind you and discuss what each of you see as your "responsibilities" as someone who works inside the home. however, even if you both agreed that you should be the primary provider of dinner..uhm..I would hope that he would have enough flexibility about it to understand that there are times when he will have to fend for himself. I'm the main chef around our house, simply b/c I enjoy cooking a lot..however, if I have other plans, I have NO REGRETS whatsoever about saying see ya bye..make the kids and yourself a sandwich, I've gotta run! There isn't anything wrong with that every once in awhile!

Maybe he just expects this from you b/c you always do it hun! So he came home..there was no dinner..and he was bummed b/c you always come thru and this time you didn't! You weren't wrong..but he was disappointed, not in you, but rather that there was no delicious meal awaiting him like he may have imagined there would be!

Same here.

Plus I think they do get a little of the "martyr" syndrome...I worked hard all day and now I'm stuck with the kids and didn't even get to unwind....not realizing what you've done all day.

Hope you guys make up