Disowned?!

Hey everyone. I'm soon to be 16, and I'm here for advice.

A while ago I moved out of my biological parents home, and in with a lady I met a long time ago. Shes in her 60s, and had 3 boys, over the age of 21. So its just me, her, and her husband around now. Its always been nice, nothing big ever happened. Lately I've been causing a lot of trouble.

I go to a private school, that she teachs at, and I cannot seem to stay out of trouble. I've had 12 detnetions, and over 40 violation slips for rules. Which isnt good. I had to meet with the principal the other day, and I'm on probation right now. If I do anything at all, I will be suspended for a week, and then I get one more chance, and I'm expelled. I know I deserve it, but it also does seem harsh.

All of my violations are for wearing the wrong shoes, gum in class, two for cell phone, and two for disrespect. One disrespect is for talking during mass, and one is for talking back to a teacher. I know how wrong that was, and thats why it only happened once.

I have 3 progress reports for doing poorly in class. Biology is a 75 average, from a 90. Religion I failed the only test we had, so did the rest of the class. Spanish, I'm failing, like usual. I never got it. But everything else is coming as a shock to my guardians.

As of right now, if I get detentions I'm grounded for the week and two weekends. Its no fun, thats for sure. Lately shes been giving me a long talk each time I do even something little, becasue she thinks its working. Over the weekend I was scared about everything, and I snuck out anyways, and went to my friends house, and drank. She found out, and now I'm in a ton of trouble. She hasnt even decided what to do, and that was Saturday night. She keeps saying "..lets just disown her..", "..put her back where she came from.." "..shes causing too much stress, ive had it up to here with this crap from her..". They do slap me across the face if I'm being rude, and when I was little I was spanked, like they are tough people. And I love them, and I know they love me.

So this is waht I'm asking you, tell me waht you would do if I was your kid. Becuase I want to show them soemthing, and give them ideas. So I dont have to leave. Im going to try and do the right thing, but I dont know, I think a punishment is a good idea. =/

Sounds to me like you know the answers....you know where you've made bad choices or acted inappropriately. I'm sure they do love you but honestly I think I'd be a little frustrated, especially because you say you do know what you're doing is wrong.

As for punishment, I don't know because I don't have teens yet but I can tell you for sure I would have been grounded, no phone, no tv until my grades came up. And there is no way in the world I would have gotten away with talking back to a teacher, I would have gotten a good hard one up the back side of my head.

You sound like a good kid, my only advice is that if you truly want to stay you need to make good on your promises and show that you're sincere. Best of luck to you.

I couldnt have said it any better.

draft a contract. In the contract, list the behaviors you expect from yourself and then the corresponding punishments if you don't meet your goals. Give it to them and explain that you realize it's a privelage to live with them and you don't want to mess it up or lose it. Explain that this is just your draft and perhaps you can have a family meeting to discuss what goals they'd like to see you accomplish and if they feel that the punishments are fair. Everyone sign the completed contract and post it on the fridge. That way, you know exactly what is expected of you and what will happen if you don't live up to your potential and they don't have to keep coming up with creative punishments.

When I was a teen mine had things like:

Bring up math grade to B and maintain-if not done, no tv during weeknights and I will study

Complete my chores when I get home from school-if not done, no allowance for that day (I got $5/day for doing my chores but I got no other cash from mom. all personal care items, entertainment etc came from that)

Be home at curfew - for every 10 minutes late, additional chore like wash mom's car/clean the screens etc that mom picks AND each 10 minutes equals 30 minutes earlier I have to be home next time.

I like kit_kats_mom's idea for how to self-examine and establish some ground rules and consequences if they're broken.

I'm really curious about something though. You're obviously intelligent and have a firm moral background, so, what's your problem? I know this seems a harsh question, and to someone who really didn't understand what they were doing it would be, but this isn't the case with you. I fear you may have an underlying obsessive-compulsive problem; as if you know what you're doing is wrong but you can't control the urge to behave poorly anyway. So, what is going on?

I do have teenagers, and they've all made mistakes, but never came close to being heavily disciplined in school. Punishments are all well and good, but if they don't affect behavioral changes, what good are they doing? It sounds like you really love and respect the people you're staying with. Why would you jeopardize that? Are you able to control yourself? Does it seem like you're fighting something within you that you can't control? If the answer to either of these leads you to believe you will be unable to say "no" to inappropriate behavior, then I know what you need to do. If that is the case, you need to ask for some help outside of yourself.

At any rate, you need to communicate and set boundaries for yourself that are parallel to those who are caring for you.