today is rough....

[kimberley]

like DeeDee said, i am thankful for the precious time i had with my little angels in heaven but some days just compel you to wonder what life would have been like if they could have stayed and you just can't stop thinking about them.

today is the one year anniversary of my angel's passing. i know i was only 8-9 wks pg, but i can't help grieve the loss of the baby i loved so much. i really don't think anyone who hasn't gone through a m/c can understand the emotions behind the pain. my male OB said i was taking the loss harder than i should... i couldn't believe he said that! others have told me it was too soon for me to be so attached and that i should concentrate on my other kids that stayed. i don't understand this because i will never be able to forget the baby that couldn't be.

it is so vivid in my mind. Jamie and i eloped to a gorgeous inn in northern ontario on Nov 1st. we were so happy and in love with our baby-to-be. 2 days later i began to bleed and i just remember the fear that tore through my heart and the whiteness of Jamie's face. we just prayed that we were one of those weird pg's that bled while pg. i saw the dr shortly after that and was told that it was really hard to see anything but that is normal but the sac looked about 5 wks. by my calculations it should have been 7 wks, but i just prayed that it would be okay. we went 2-3 times a week to check the hgc levels in my blood. the words of my dr still echo through my brain. with a straight cold face he said "this is not a viable pg". he had to be wrong! i still felt pg... it had to be a mistake. over the next week i continued with the blood tests and was told that my hgc levels were still increasing. the nurse was confused and said that didn't happen when u were miscarrying. so jamie and i became hopeful again that everything would be okay. my OB was on holidays so we couldn't talk to him for a week. we kept going and it looked good. a week later we did another u/s and i was excited. it was all just some big stupid mistake and my baby was fine. i was wrong. there was no yolk sac. the baby was gone, my hgc levels rapidly dropped and my life was upside down. he made me go back a week later to do one last u/s to make sure it was all out or he would have to do a d&c. that was the hardest thing ever. i was surrounded by happy pg people and i couldn't help but resent it. a volunteer actually came up to me and asked if i wanted to do a survey. i said sure thinking it could distract me from my grief for a while. first question.."how far along are you?"... i wanted to burst into tears. i just looked at her and said i lost my baby and she ran off. the u/s was worse. they have private and semi private u/s rooms. do you think they gave me a private one considering what i was going through... nope. as an u/s tech confirmed my baby was gone, a curtain away some woman was giggling at seeing her baby's little hands and feet. how insensitive can people be. i freaked out and sat in the hall. everyone acted like i was nuts and overreacting. i don't think i was. my baby died and nobody but Jamie cared.

my pg with jade was so hard because i was terrified that she wouldn't stay either. it has been an emotional year but the people on this board and DH of course have made it a lot easier. thanks for always listening.
Please say a prayer for my baby that her spirit is happy and still with us.

[MommyToAshley]

(((HUGS))))

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't believe how insensitive people are! It's already hard enough when you see babies everywhere, but then for people (especially in the health care profession) to treat you like that is just horrible. I remember when I went for my check-up after Joshua had passed, I sat in the waiting room about to break down looking at all the newborn babies. Then the nursed weighed me and asked me if I had a boy or a girl. Obviously she didn't look at my records. I just broke down right there. (I switched Docs when I became PG with Ashley)

Anniversaries, holidays, and due dates are always rough for me too. I find it hard to know what to say to you, I think because I have experienced a loss and know that there are no words that can take away your pain. But, I wanted to ler you know that we are here to listen and offer support and lots of hugs.

And, I do hope you find some comfort knowing that your baby will not suffer and is in good hands. I am sure your little Angel is watching over Jade. The nurse that came to follow up on me after I had Ashley told me that when Ashley smiles in her sleep, it is Joshua whispering in her ear. What a wonderful thought. So, when you see Jade smiling, I bet it is your Angel whispering to her.

[MommyToAshley]

I want to share one other thing with you. I kept this in Joshua's baby box... it is a poem that DH found and gave to me after we lost Joshua.

A BABY'S SECRET

I'm just a little feller
Who didn't quite make it there;
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't fret about me mommy,
I'm all of God's lambs most blest;
I'd have loved to stay there with you,
But the Shepard knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live,
Waited years to enter in;
Struggled thru a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin.

So, sweet mommy, don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
From my lovely mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
It was brief, but don't complain;
I have all of heaven's glory
Suffered none of earthling's pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me
I'd have loved to brought it fame;
but if I'd lingered in earth's shadows
Might instead have bro't it shame.

Daddy gave me something for you,
It's our secret mommy dear.
Pressed it tight against my forehead,
Whispered in my tiny ear.

I'll be waiting for you, Mommy-
You and Daddy, Bud and Sis.
I'll be with you then forever-
Then I'll give you Daddy's kiss.

-J.C. Brumfield

[mummy2girls]

I am so sorry for your loss. big ((HUGS))) your way!!! You are a strong mom and remeber your angel is jades guardian angel and is looking down on all of you.

[kimberley]

m2a.. thanks for that beautiful poem i can't believe your dr's office said that to you. you think it is really that difficult to peek at the chart for one sec to be sure?! the secretary asked me a few times when i was pg with jade if i was still pg... it made me terrified something was wrong with her.

m2a and jenna's mom: thanks for your kinds words and support. it really helps.

[Maddie&EthansMom]

I am so sorry for your loss, and yes, my prayers are with you! Thank you for your story. I guess I am so maternal that every miscarriage or loss I hear about (no matter the age) I tear up and get very emotional. It is hard to imagine and even harder to get over, I am sure. God has His plans and while that is comforting knowing the little ones are with Him, it doesn't take the pain completely away.

[CantWait]

Kimberley thankyou for sharing your story. What you went through with the u/s was disgusting.

[Jamie]

hey baby........i dont reallt have any words to say ( got lumps in my throat, and my mind is doing the whole "what if...." thing) but i just wanted to say that i love you and if you need to talk or anything, you know im always here for you!!!

Just remember this.......everytime Jade smiles and giggles while she is sleeping, its cuz of her unborn sibling that couldnt be here is making her smile and laugh. One of those laughs that only a sibling can do

I love you, the boys, Jade, and our little angle more than anything

ok now im gonna go kiss and hug you in sleep, we both need it!!!!!!!!!

I love you lots baby!

[Kirstenmumof3]

Kim I'm so sorry for what you went through! I've never experienced what you are going through, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am for you!

[kimberley]

QUOTE

Jamie Posted on Nov 16 2003, 08:05 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hey baby........i dont reallt have any words to say ( got lumps in my throat, and my mind is doing the whole "what if...." thing) but i just wanted to say that i love you and if you need to talk or anything, you know im always here for you!!! Just remember this.......everytime Jade smiles and giggles while she is sleeping, its cuz of her unborn sibling that couldnt be here is making her smile and laugh. One of those laughs that only a sibling can do I love you, the boys, Jade, and our little angle more than anything ok now im gonna go kiss and hug you in sleep, we both need it!!!!!!!!! I love you lots baby!

I love you Jamie! thank you for being the best dad and hubby ever!

[angelhair]

on honey, I know this kind of pain and I am so so sorry. losing a baby is losing a baby at at 8 or 9 wekks that baby is still as real to you as your other babies. it is a loss of never given a chance to know your little one and you have a right to take it hard because it is such a heartbreak! I am now going through a second m/c, two in three months and the disappointment and loss is great. it is not made easier by some of the cruel comments that you went through.I to went for a ultrasound where there was nothing in it with my secondm/c ( I have had three so far), and I kept on wishing there would be something there and I remember the great fear and caslling my dh sobbing. it is hard to see that. much much love to you

[MommyToAshley]

QUOTE (kimberley @ Nov 16 2003, 02:12 PM)

QUOTE Jamie Posted on Nov 16 2003, 08:05 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hey baby........i dont reallt have any words to say ( got lumps in my throat, and my mind is doing the whole "what if...." thing) but i just wanted to say that i love you and if you need to talk or anything, you know im always here for you!!! Just remember this.......everytime Jade smiles and giggles while she is sleeping, its cuz of her unborn sibling that couldnt be here is making her smile and laugh. One of those laughs that only a sibling can do I love you, the boys, Jade, and our little angle more than anything ok now im gonna go kiss and hug you in sleep, we both need it!!!!!!!!! I love you lots baby!   I love you Jamie! thank you for being the best dad and hubby ever!

Kimberly, looks like you have a keeper there! But, we already knew Jamie was a great guy. It is great that the two of you are there for each other, that's the one thing that will help you get through this.

[DansMom]

Thanks for sharing your story Kimberley. When your heart is full of hope and optimism, a loss at any stage of pg. is difficult. You and Jamie are definitely good together, and you have so much love to give a child.