Adultery, is this normal for marriage nowadays?

That's a good point, never thought of it that way.

Monica you have a great point, but emotions aren't always black and white and people aren't always in their right mind to make right decisions regarding not getting involved. Sometimes they are in over their head before they know it and before they ever realize how they got that way. If both husband and wife held up their end of the bargain in the marriage and both gave 100%, 100% of the time and focused on meeting one another's needs then I know we would see less of this. As difficult as it is, you have to put each other first. And communication is key.

I would never justify an act such as adultery. But, I certainly see how it can happen. It's unfortunate that some people feel they are at such a loss in their lives that this is their only way out. That in some marriages they've hurt each other so deeply that they have to look elsewhere for comfort and love. It breaks my heart. Probably b/c I'm still not over my husband pushing me away for 10 years b/c of his own issues. And me fighting so hard for it, begging him to give me more of himself, begging for counseling, begging him to come home more and to spend time with me. But, when we spent time together he just sat there and never said a word. I can't even begin to describe my loneliness. And I had HOPE so I never really thought about me and how miserable my life had become. It just happened so gradually that I didn't recognize it. I did start looking somewhere else for acceptance and love and I found it thousands of miles away in an old guy friend. I was my old self. I was happy and carefree. It was still wrong, I recognized it, told Scotty I was in over my head (after a nervous breakdown) and now we are happier than we've ever been. I hate that it took that. I hate that he never worked on our marriage despite my begging him, but to him, I was just "here." He took me for granted and neglected me. I think you have to understand another person's pain before you can say they set out to be a homewrecker or just want to go out and have sex with another person. That they may be so beat down and their self esteem so low And I had to understand the pain my husband was in and the reasons why he pushed me away. I love him more today than I ever have and I don't regret anything we've been through. You choose to love the person you are with. I truly believe you can love anyone, but you can also fall out of love when a person pushes you too far and betrays your trust, doesn't protect you and make you feel loved, etc. I know Scotty and I were headed there. I wasn't sure that I could go back. I didn't know if I would ever trust him and some days are still really hard. But, I knew I loved him and I felt that if I had love for him, then we have a fighting chance to make something of it. Slowly I started recognizing the person I fell in love with. I'm so grateful every single day. I also realize a lot of people aren't so lucky. Their spouse is too hurt to recognize what they did wrong and try to change. Instead they go out and have a fling of their own or just write the person off. I'm glad Scotty listened to me and saw my heart. I was so broken.

"You" generalized of course.

Aimee...

I'm glad you guys are back on track, Aimee

And I definitely know what you're saying, and have BTDT to a degree...we all know my marriage has been pathetic at best sometimes I'll be honest and admit that I have *thought* about what it might be like to have someone else, thinking that I wasn't ready to quit my marriage but needed someone or something to get me through....but I couldn't bring myself to think any further than that for fear that I might get in over my head and knowing that someone outside of my marriage wasn't going to help the problems in my marriage. You're 100% right, that it's a choice to love someone. IMHO, it's also a choice to NOT love someone else and in order to be sure that won't happen, for me personally, I can't even open the door to that.

I can absolutely understand where you were during that time, and I agree with what you've said before about an emotional affair being more dangerous than a physical one (especially for someone like me, who has far more interest in emotional intimacy than physical).

I admire you for catching yourself before things got to the point of no return and I hope things just get better from here for you and Scotty

eta: Probably goes without saying, but this is a generalized statement not directed at you or anyone else...I'm not questioning why you or anyone else has made choices, just elaborating

And Rocky, ITA about communication...I think DH being gone so long/so far away made me realize that instead of "wondering" how happy he is or what he needs from me, I needed to ask. It's made a big difference for us.

This post has been edited by luvmykids on Apr 17 2008, 06:56 AM

Absolutely! I can tell you it's not easy trying to fall out of love with someone who has always made you feel good and trying to fall back in love with someone who has let you down for so many years. I had to put some things in perspective. I hadn't seen this person for TEN years, let alone live with them every single day for TEN years, had children with them, been through job changes, etc. So, of course it was easy to feel good when I talked to him...we had no baggage. At any rate, it only complicates things and I'm embarrassed b/c I knew better.

Absolutely! I can tell you it's not easy trying to fall out of love with someone who has always made you feel good and trying to fall back in love with someone who has let you down for so many years. I had to put some things in perspective. I hadn't seen this person for TEN years, let alone live with them every single day for TEN years, had children with them, been through job changes, etc. So, of course it was easy to feel good when I talked to him...we had no baggage. At any rate, it only complicates things and I'm embarrassed b/c I knew better.

I think that is one of the saddest parts of this kind of thing, the illusion that everything will be better with someone else.....until you add in normal day to day life. Don't get me wrong, it might be But in a case like our friends who are in the thick of it, it's heartbreaking to be watching and know that they're really not going to end up with anything but same life, different person

I always tell my still single girlfriend who complains about being lonely that it's still not as bad as being married and feeling lonely...that is a very deep dark place to be and it's overwhelming and confusing too

You shouldn't be embarrassed, it takes a lot of strength and self discipline to stop a train like that

This post has been edited by luvmykids on Apr 17 2008, 07:11 AM

Absolutely! I can tell you it's not easy trying to fall out of love with someone who has always made you feel good and trying to fall back in love with someone who has let you down for so many years. I had to put some things in perspective. I hadn't seen this person for TEN years, let alone live with them every single day for TEN years, had children with them, been through job changes, etc. So, of course it was easy to feel good when I talked to him...we had no baggage. At any rate, it only complicates things and I'm embarrassed b/c I knew better.

You're only human, don't feel embarrassed I'm so glad you and Scotty are doing great Aimee, that's so good to hear! My prayers are with you guys

Don't be embarassed. We all need to feel appreciated, even if it does sometimes come through by the wrong channel.

Get a room.........

It all comes down to personal responsibility. While I understand and agree with Rocky, if you (can we all agree that "You" is used in the generic sense ) are not being treated in a way you *want* to be treated, going off to be with someone else to get whatever it is that your relationship is lacking is a step "you" take all on your own.

If you need more from your relationship, you need to go to your spouse and express your feelings and hope they will work to make those things happen for you. If not, it is time to evaluate what it is your are asking for and if your spouse is unwilling to provide those things whether or not those things are important enough to leave what you have to find what you want somewhere else.

You're so right, Mike! There's no excuse for it no matter how you are being treated. It's either work on what you have or take a hike. When I felt that I was seeking something from someone else, I had an anxiety attack...or nervous breakdown and realized that I was headed down a path of destruction (which was very early on, btw and nothing happened between me and this other person that I wouldn't tell my husband about.) Of course Scotty realized that I wasn't okay...I was a mess! We talked, I told him everything and we were able to work on it. That's the short version. I'm just grateful he cared enough to fight for me and to protect me. I honestly thought that he would let me walk away. Now I realize how silly my thinking was and how much he's always loved me. I'm glad I didn't do something I would later come to regret. I have too many friends who have.

Even if everything ISNT hunky dory, that is not an excuse to cheat IMO. People still know right from wrong.

My husband can really tick me off, but that doesnt make me go "Oh well...i'm not getting enough "whatever"/having my needs met/etc, so its not all my fault if I cheat".

If my husband cheated on me because he wasnt feeling the love or whatnot, I would NOT feel like "its my fault too!" because he knew that wasnt OK. No matter how he was feeling, it wouldnt give him less fault for cheating.

Its not like people "oops" & accidently cheat. They know what they are doing there.

I mean frankly, if you want to cheat on your spouse b/c you are unhappy, why not just get a divorce?