Adultery, is this normal for marriage nowadays?

There has been a lot of adultery being revealed on the news lately. The governor of New York, the mayor of Detroit, etc. that this has been a hot topic between my friends and I lately and I'm just wondering if this is something that is becoming socially acceptable.

Personally, in my family there is not one marriage that has not had some kind of cheating taking place and many, many divorces. Since I can not look at the relationships surrounding me as faithful marriages, I am wondering how many people are in faithful marriages and still in their first marriage. I guess I'm just wondering how others think on this subject.

I do not think it happens in all marriages. i do think that men, at least speaking from what my own dh has said, is that you have to make a conscious effort not to watch things that are provoking and things that make your mind wonder into those thoughts..it starts with thoughts..then can go anywhere.
I cant imagine doing something like that to my husband let alone being responsible for tearing apart my family, just thinking of the kids....
i would/could never

I would never say never because I don't think anything in life is guaranteed but I could safely say neither DH or I would cheat.....

It happened in mine, but I don't believe that it happens in every marriage.

Not all men cheat nor woman I believe many people dont take marriages seriously any more its like a game

I know I never cheated on my husband of almost 25 years nor has he ever cheated on me so it can be done.

I've known far more women who have strayed than men.

No, I dont think cheating is the norm for marriage. I think more people should stay within the confines of their marriage, too. I dont know why so many ppl think its acceptable to cheat these days- its not.

I agree, and wanted to add, why would adding another person to an already messed up marriage make it any better?
and the grass is hardly greener.....

No I don't think it's normal. I know my DH and I have discussed it as I always had a bit of a notion that men tend to cheat b/c they're more animalistic and are driven on physical desire. But he says he has WAY too much of a conscience to ever cheat. I completely belive and trust him. He is a big family guy! Now, I'm not nieve enough to think it could NEVER happen, but I honestly don't believe it will b/c he is not one to put himself in temptations way. Occaisionally, he'll go out and have a couple of beers with his 2 guy friends he hangs out with, but they are both married and happen to be married to my two best friends..so we all trust the three of them out together b/c I don't think it would be acceptable amongst themselves for one of them to stray when out with the others. Other then that, he doesn't go or do anything without me besides go to work and he works on a military base in an underground bunker with all IT men!

We're all human. That can be translated as animalistic, and provide and excuse for infidelity. But we're also cognizant and know the difference between right and wrong. Even more important is our human ability to resist temptation regardless of ancestral imprint. There are a lot of people that think that cheating on a spouse or SO is OK. I don't. I also believe that people who cheat on the person they say they love will just as quickly, or more so, cheat in other areas of their lives, including business. So person who cheats on their spouse, to me, is automatically untrustworthy in society. And yes, I believe that if you cheat once, you are more than capable of doing it again. Do I think that all people who have cheated will cheat again? Not necessarily, but I do think that those people are more prone to cheat in the future.

ITA Ed, I think it's important to understand the root of it, which is a lot more to do with someone making the choice to do it than it is about someones nature. And I completely agree that if a person cheats on their spouse, it makes them less trustworthy in general imo.

To answer your question, I'm not sure if more people are having affairs these days, or if we just hear about it more, but either way, it's very sad that it has become so accepted

no I do not think it happens in every marriage, I know my dad cheated on my mom and then my mom turned around and slept with another man (revenge) they ALMOST got a divorce and then turned around and have made their marriage successful he deeply regrets it to this day. But my grandparents were married for 53 years and they NEVER cheated on each other.. and I know SEVERAL others who have been married for a long time and never cheated it can be done. I don't know why so many people get married if they are just going to turn around and cheat

I don't think it is normal at all and I really hope it never becomes normal. That would be a sad day for all families.

I come from a very large family [I think we're slowing manipulating the population of Ontario, LOL] and there has never been any cheating or wandering. I'm the first person in the history of my family to ever divorce - although a brother did follow suit several years later. That was due a total breakdown of the family after their child's suicide.

My family has been incredibly lucky in the sense that everyone found a S/O that was great in every way. My parents have been married to each other for the past 60+years.

DH and I have been together for 18 years now, and although we never got married, there's no thought of cheating. You couldn't pay either of us any amount of money in the world to do so.

Same here. I don't think we can label it just men anymore. It's an unfair stereotype.

My thoughts exactly. I agree even though it seems to be pretty common, it's not the norm.

I dont think its more common I just think we hear about it more. However I dont think ALL men cheat. And I dont think society is accepting it that much either. I wouldnt stand by my man if he cheated. I know like the govoner of new york and his wife standing by him that had to be humiliating for her. It would have been for me.

You know I honestly would say that I think women are more likely to cheat than men, I agree with Aimee

No I do not think it is the norm, I think most marriages that end nowadays is over other unresolved issues, while you do hear of infidelity in marriage, I don't think it's the #1 reason for divorce. I have been with DH for 6 years, married for almost 3 and I have never ever cheated on him and I have no desire to do so and I know my DH has never cheated on me, I just know. If he has or ever will, it'd be a huge SHOCKER to me. I'm not saying NEVER because well...you should never say never but I think it's highly unlikely our marriage would ever fail because of infidelity. I honestly think DH and I are soulmates we get along together on ever aspect of pretty much everything. Sure we bump heads sometimes, but we barely argue and we laugh together a LOT, I think that is so key to a happy life together. We apologize quickly, never stay mad, laugh a lot, and learn and grow together Boy I got sentimental didn't I?

I think both men & women cheat about the same. I've known equal of both who have.

I think it's more common now, as people are more selfish and only think about their needs & wants, instead of their marriage or family as a whole and for the long term.

If someone wants to cheat, they will, regardless of gender, but I think it's more common for men to in general.

Phew... I'm glad you said it before I did.

Yes, some "people" cheat. I think it's always been like this but we hear about it more these days because of how freely news travels. The difference today is that more and more people are getting divorced v.s. the "old days" where people would stay together.

FWIW- I also know far more woman who've cheated on their man v.s. the men doing the cheating.

This post has been edited by DVFlyer on Apr 15 2008, 07:32 AM

Thank you, you have all made me feel a lot better. I've really been feeling down in the dumps about this lately because I'm surrounded by a lot of people that label "
men" as cheaters. My own mother told me not to let my husband get a vasectomy because then I can't tell WHEN he cheats on me. I have been with my DH for almost 11 yrs now and I have never felt as though he has cheated on me. All the negativity was really getting to me, so it is good to hear a lot of people don't feel it is the norm and they are in marriages that have not had any adultery on either side. Sometimes I feel like a lot of my family members want to see my marriage fail. Even though, cheating is very common in my famiy, I don't want it in my household.

That's some seriously messed up logic right there.

Why would you think they want your marriage to fail?

IMO, FWIW....the marriage is typically over before the cheating begins. And an affair is so much more complicated than just the sex. There are different kinds of affairs, emotional being one of them, which I find much more dangerous than a sexual affair. Marriage is hard and it takes work. When there are 2 people not constantly working at it, normally one person will try to get their needs met elsewhere. Men usually go for the sexual affair and women usually go for the emotional affair. Marriages can overcome both types of affairs. I find the men are usually more forgiving in these circumstances than women. Women tend to be more emotional and can't accept that it can be purely physical. That's why I think an emotional affair is more dangerous...it's harder to let go of. But, I don't agree that most people are out there looking to cheat. I actually think it's quite the opposite.

You'd think I'm speaking from experience here. I'm not.

Well, if you think about it, all of our favorite TV shows are centered around adultery. They glamourize it. It's destructive and no matter how you look at it, it can NEVER be a good thing.

That's some seriously messed up logic right there.

Why would you think they want your marriage to fail?

My mom has told me that all men cheat and not to be surprised when it happens to me. She has said that if a man can cheat on someone as beautiful as Halle Berry then my marriage is not safe. Other women in my family tell me that love does not last forever and to be prepared for when DH leaves me.

I made that comment because I only have one woman in my family I can talk to about marriage and not get negative feedback that it is only a matter of time before DH cheats or beats on me because that is all they have had done to them. So sometimes it just feels like they can't wait for my marriage to fail like theirs have.