Can someone explain this to me?, So annoyed with DH

When it comes to Nikka, my 13yo stepdaughter, DH completely ignores anything I have to say. Something will come up and I'll say "Maybe you should take this approach, tell her such and such" and he rolls his eyes and acts like I'm an idiot. But then I catch him quoting me to her, word for word

When we were on vacation, her phone habits were driving me INSANE. He acted like I was just being the evil stepmother and party pooper and totally ignored it. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous for a 13yo to be on the phone at 2am even if we were on spring break and would make her get off. He'd give me a hard time about it... But last night, he called to tell her she can't have her phone for a week because her mom busted her on the phone at 2am last weekend.

I understand I'm not her parent, but I feel like he's so contradictory, he wants her and I to have this parent/child relationship (which we do) but then he expects me to have no input. It drives me nuts because I love her and treat her like the other kids, which is why she has rules when I'm around; he completely tunes me out but then turns around and does or says what I've been saying he should all along and it drives me nuts:angry:

Im not sure but maby he feels its only his daughter so only he gets the right to discipline and such. I dont know your hubby and the situation im just going as a hunch. being the mom of a daughter and marcus walking in as a step dad i at first found it hard to see him discipline her. i was coming between that at first but realized that if it needs to work and our family be a success he needs to be a part of it and jenna needs to see she will get consequences from him as well and not be just the friend to her. Maby thats what he is struggling with?

This sounds really familiar! Rick is seriously, the best step father I could ever imagine for Tanner. he really is..treats him great, loves him, always includes him as his own when someone asks how many kids he has..he just says 3..without even offering to explain 1 is his step son.

But there is this over protectiveness that comes out in me when Rick enters the discipline thing with Tanner. Rick is so fair with him and sitting here right now typing this to you..I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would only do what he thinks is best for Tanner, the same as he would for Braedon...and neither of us believe in spanking..so, it's not that I'm worried about his form of discipline..but when it comes down to it and I hear Rick start in about something with him..I'm right there in Tanner's corner(I don't undermine Rick in front of Tanner..but once we're alone..I always come to his defense). Then the next day or so, if I see Tanner doing the same thing Rick was getting on him about, I find myself OFTEN implementing the same rule Rick was trying to do that I "didn't want him to".

See, I think the same thing is happening at your house for likely the same reasons...He wants to protect her and likely has a bit of a guilt trip(could be conscious or subconscious) that she has a split family and wants to let her be happy at all costs. You step in and try to correct or PARENT just like you would any of the other kids and he stops you in motion because of the above listed guilt. He then has time to think about it and realize..hey, Monica is right!!! and ends up implementing the behavior change or punishment you were wanting to do in the first place.

Then there is ONE other thing that could be going on here...Perhaps he wants your relationship with her to be strong and maybe he feels like she will perceive you badly if you are the one doing the punishing..so he still takes your ideas and but it's coming from him..not her..thus perserves the relationship between you two girls...which, if done properly, is actually smart..but it doesn't sound like it's happening quite the right way b/c you're feeling hurt by it..so something needs to change!

Maybe I don't know the whole story, but from what I read, you ARE her parent. Now it's time to find a way to get on the same page as your DH.

Nichole made excellent points about the protectiveness. (is that word? )

Thanks for the input I think you are right, Nichole, about him feeling like it should be his call. I guess I shouldn't be so irritated because I've never been in his shoes.

I think guilt is a big part of it, he always says he feels bad that the other kids have it better than she did at their age (which I don't necessarily think is true but thats another subject lol).

I just get so frustrated feeling like my hands are tied....this whole time he's been in GA (since January) I've maintained her normal nights here and actually feel like her and I are closer than ever because I finally CAN parent her the way I would without him breathing down my neck and TBH I think she feels more equal being treated like the others (having to set the table, fold laundry, go to bed at a decent hour) than when she's the exception to the rule.

I tried talking to him about it last night and his answer was he discounts me because he knows her better than me

I'm sorry sweetie that would be frustrating!!!

I agree with Nichole's perspective. That being said, 2AM is way too late for a 13 year-old to be on the phone regardless of how discipline is meted.

THANK YOU! My rule is 10pm on weekends.