Playgroup issues

So I get an email Friday from a playgroup that I was a member of until later that day (when I quit) ..

Now, here's a brief synopsis of what had happened up to this point. On May 12, my older son (age 3 1/2) circumvented the child locks on the door and escaped from our old apartment. He was found walking down the middle of the street and brought back by the police, who declined to file a report because it was obvious that I had been sleeping (I had been up half the night nursing the baby, age 2 1/2 months at that time). I became hysterical and went to behavioral health for help later that day. Somehow the intake worker convinced us to get respite care through CPS and have the kids taken for a couple of days. As we were beyond exhausted and badly needed some rest after a stressful several months, we agreed, not realizing exactly what this would turn into. At present, after three court hearings, we still don't have a case plan because the agency doesn't know what services to provide as the kids were not abused or neglected, nor were we substance abusers. However, I have bipolar disorder and they seem to think my husband has major depression (which he does not), so they're waiting for the UC Davis appointment with the child psychologist before they make a case plan. They want all three of us to be evaluated for mental health there. I'm not sure why they wouldn't have sent my husband and me to community mental health for our evaluations if they were so concerned about our conditions ... Anyhow, the UCD doctor called us the week before our last hearing saying it would be a couple of weeks yet before we could even get an appointment (due to the 4-6 week minimum waiting list). I'm not sure exactly what good this appointment would do, anyways ...

Shortly after this started, I posted a message on the online message board of this group asking for advice because I was confused and depressed. I didn't really know anyone in the group yet, but I figured I might hear something from one or two people. One of the assistant moderators emailed me and said she wished I had let them know earlier, saying some of the moms would have stepped up to help instead of having the kids go in to foster care.

I made a couple of posts after the next couple of hearings, still confused and upset and desperately wanting some kind of guidance (especially because my older boy was still acting out at our visits). Then I was extremely upset one morning and posted a message, with tears rolling down my cheeks, saying I really needed a friend. Knowing this was a parents group, and that there might have been others in a similar situation previously (or they knew someone who was), I thought someone might respond. In fact, I got private emails from several moms who gave me their phone numbers and said I could call them any time (being polite, I will only call during daylight hours, nor do I want to unnecessarily burden them all the time).

At the same time, I had RSVPd to a couple of upcoming events, saying that I might attend, even though the kids weren't with me, because I wanted to get to know other mothers for when my kids come home. After all, playgroups are not just for the kids - it's for parents to get together and share experiences and become friends if they so choose (since we all know that infants and toddlers do not play together). I also met with one mom the other day - fully aware of my situation. She was feeling a bit blah, and also wanted another adult to talk to. If she had felt pressured to respond to a one-on-one, she wouldn't have asked me to lunch at the last minute. That's how it usually works, anyways.

I was therefore surprised when I got the following email from that same assistant moderator on Friday morning (right before my weekly visitation with my children, no less):

Hope things continue to progress and that God's will comes to light and you and your family can see his hand working in all of this. I feel for your situation and pray for you. I have spoken with the organizer and we feel we must graciously ask you to not be offended, but keep the updates private. When you meet friends in the group and want to share please do, as they can let you know what they can handle. Each woman has a different perspective and though many are supportive, we don't want to scare off any others. It is good to support one another, but this is really information that is best shared with friends. Please do not take offense. Your update was deleted and here is a response I wanted to make sure you had seen. Amy, we haven't met, I am Lisa. If it is ok, I have Medila double breast pump that I no longer need. I don't know the medical or ethical ramifications of passing it on to you or if I am being tacky, but I sure don't need it and it has everything, including a handy backpack carrying case. Let me know, I would love to help if I can.

Amy, one last thing, when people are in a moms play group they are focusing are letting their kids play. While you are a mom, your kids being out of the home is a challenge. Can you please feel welcome to join us at any event that is posted with our meetup group as we can encourage you. However, we would also encourage you to not make playdates with one mom as it is slightly uncomfortable for that mom to come with babies or kids and have you come alone. I am sorry if you don't agree, but must insist that you limit yourself to group events. Please make sure you are responding to invitations and events posted so that other moms are not put in an awkward poition. I appreciate your understanding and hope we can get to know you better at some events.

As to be expected, it upset me to the max. I am normally a private person, and in the past would never have shared this with anyone outside of my family and friends (the few that are left). It's kind of hard to talk to friends when you don't have any. Also, part of my mental health treatment over the last couple months has included learning to ask for help and guidance when I'm feeling overwhelmed - even from total strangers on a public forum because of the insights they might have.

Now, perhaps that board was not the best place to share information or ask for guidance. My feeling is that I was so desperate, since I didn't have anyone else to turn to, that I sincerely thought that I as a mother might receive some insights from other moms and dads. I never thought that anyone would be offended or scared off, as we all know that people do have a choice as far as reading and responding is concerned. It would have been very easy to just ignore it - and anyone who did respond knew what was going on before they chose to write to me. If they felt awkward, then they shouldn't have responded to me.

Incidentally, I decided to leave that group because I don't want to waste my time with such people any further - I get the feeling that they would have reacted the same way if my baby had died (which he almost did - he spent 3 weeks in level 3 intensive care shortly after birth). I don't want fair-weather friends, because that is counterproductive to my interests and needs. Besides, anyone who thinks that playgroups are only for the kids is living in a dream world ...

I had also started my own group around the time that we moved here last December, and it has a similar messaging system because it is part of the same larger community web site. As I am the moderator, I am going to take a different approach. I'm going to post a message to my group members stating that I encourage them to share all of their experiences on the board - good and bad - because we are a community of parents, grandparents, and friends. It takes a village to raise a child, and I don't want anyone to feel like I did if they need help, advice, or a shoulder to cry on. I strongly feel that other people often have insights that our friends or family do not have, and an online forum is a good place to share information without putting anyone on the spot or making them feel pressured to provide an answer. If someone doesn't want to read a message or respond to it, then that is their right. No one is going to come after them and force them to do anything that they don't feel comfortable doing. Hopefully this will help anyone else who finds themself in the same situation.

Now, I do realize that I may come on a bit strong at times, especially in situations that involve close family or friends, but I am a human being. I need to ask for help when I need it, and that help cannot always come from professionals who charge me by the hour. I do get upset from time to time, and I want and need interaction with other people. I'd like to do the same for other people if they find themselves in some kind of crisis.

I am not responsible for other people's feelings unless I said or did something hurtful, so I'm not really worried about etiquette at this point. I just wanted to hear others' opinions and see if I'm on the right track ...

This post has been edited by aes2005 on Jul 28 2007, 03:48 PM

Since you've been involved with other groups it must be plain to you that, even in a virtual forum such as this, there is a feeling out period when new people join. It is no different here. First, let me start by saying welcome aboard.

I don't know if you'll find all of the answers you're looking for here, but I agree that all people should look everywhere they can for answers to life's problems. I also don't know enough about you or your issues to give an educated, clear opinion. Your initial post was quite detailed, but I'm a believer that there are two sides to every story and while I'm sympathetic to your plight, I really don't know what's important for you or your children right now because we've only just now met, virtually.

I would encourage you to keep your doctors' appointments and to try and help your husband through all of this as well. I would also encourage you to love your children, wherever they may be at this time, continuing in the hope that you will be reunited. Finally, I would caution that perceptions are often difficult to overcome, so I think it important that you do everything in your power to keep on an even keel, even though you may feel like you've been sucker-punched.

Now I am very confused.

I got an email today removing me from another playgroup, even though I have never attended or participated in a discussion.

The organizer flat out told me that I was not welcome to attend events without my children, but I was welcome to join again once my kids came home.

How do I respond to something like that?

I hate to say this then why worry about it bc you never attened nor did you participate in it either so why let it bother you?

That's a legitimate question ...

I had hoped that I would meet some other parents to interact with, since I'm naturally shy, but now I've found that neither of the aforementioned groups has the kind of people that I want my children to be raised around.

After a period of thought and reflection, I have chosen not to be concerned about the issue any more. It's hurtful, yes, but we can find somewhere else where we are accepted regardless of the issue(s) we may be facing.

On to better pastures ... :-)

Good for you. And welcome to PC.