consequences for teenager, how to deal with drug use

My 19 y/o son recently was arrested for possession of marijuana and paraphernalia! This was a week after I found two marijuana pipes in his room (and later found out he had more). He initially moved out but wants to move back in. He wants me to write up the consequences for his behavior and have twenty people look at them and tell if they agree with them or not. His contention is that he's nineteen and wants to make sure consequences are acceptable by others. My contention is that it's his home but my house. I may / may not have any respect for the individuals asked, but that how I run my home and any consequences are none of their business. I wouldn't go to their home and tell them how to run it or what would be appropriate for their kids. What do you think? and as a bonus for him, what do you think would be acceptable consequences?

if he's 19, the arrest will be on his permanent record. from the sounds of it... it doesn't seem like he understands the gravity of his actions. personally, i would not entertain his request to have consequences validated by a bunch of strangers. i don't think he is in a position to negotiate.

it's a good sign that he wants to come home. it's your opportunity to put him on the right path. make sure he's in school or has a job and have a zero drug tolerance. while i personally don't think marijuana is the end of the world, i do believe at that age it can be the start towards much worse things.

so what do you think would be appropriate? i'm not going to negotiate with him... but don't mind getting feedback.

I want to be sure I've got this right before I dig in. He's 19, living independently, has just been arrested on drug possession charges, and is apparently guilty and he wants to set conditions for him to come back and live in your home?

I think you've already seen where I'm going with this, but just for the record, there is no way on earth he would dictate any conditions to me regarding his living under my roof.

To your question of your son's wishing to involve his peers in how you would handle his drug use and getting caught, that's simply absurd. In my opinion, you're in an even better position to dictate acceptable behavior now than you would be if he was still there. He obviously has seen the error of his ways and understands how difficult independent life can be. He's lucky to have a dad like you who is willing to counsel and assist him in re-ordering his life. I don't feel that he has grounds for compromise here.

Conditions I would set:
1. No drugs - not ever again
2. Curfew - Yes, I know he's 19, but he's certainly not yet acting like a responsible adult
3. Family time requirement - If he lives in the house with your family, then he must accept the time responsibilities that brings.
4. Accountability - Given the circumstances surrounding his departure and return, it's only right that you should know where he's going and what he's doing.
5. Assistance - Household chores appropriate for an adult living at home including laundry, dishes and cleaning the windows
6. RENT - There is no way an adult should live in any place without having to pay for his/her keep.

I wish you luck with this difficult situation and I hope that your son makes better choices in his life for his own and your sake.

I agree with everything ed said..but i dont know that i would let him move back in. he needs to learn to be responsible.

Ed, actually he was not living independently. He was living with me when the incident occurred and moved out as he didn't want any consequences at home. The irony now being I am supposed to consider his other family's opinions and suggestions. However, during the last five plus years I have been raising him not one of these family have ever offered (other than his mother on occasion) to assist in his support/ care/ raising in any form or fashion. They weren't coming by when he's been sick, taking to the doctor, school problems, etc.... I do believe they care for him but none of them were willing to put themselves out in any form or fashion. I wouldn't mind suggestions from family that had been consistently supportive, but to come in... basically when the hardest part is over... and try and tell me how to finish raising him/ run our family... there is simply NO way that is going to happen. If you want to run the house... step up and do it with your own family/ children... then you might have something valid to offer.

I have to agree with Ed here also.

Well, you have a few different issues going on here. As far as the consequence "contract" needing validation from outsiders- that's just ridiculous. What business is it of theirs' how you adjudicate conflicts within your own home with your own kid? If I read it right, your son wants outside consensus that your terms are fair. That's something the two of you should be able to work out, especially in light of his age. He's a legal adult, and barely even a teenager anymore. He should be able to advocate for himself and communicate coherently without the intervention of an outside posse.
The conversation I'd be having with him is primarily about the drug use. I should preface this by saying that I firmly believe marijuana should be decriminalized, and I fail to see how casual, recreational use is any different than drinking a beer or a glass of wine. The argument about pot being a "gateway" drug to addiction is as logical as believing that drinking a beer here and there will lead directly to a lifetime of alcoholism.
Having said that, not everyone can use alcohol or any other substance responsibly or casually, and only you or your son can know which camp he falls into. I'd want to know how much, how often, why, where, etc...Is he driving while high, and what were the circumstances of his arrest? Because regardless of how you or I may feel about marijuana, the inescapable fact remains that it is illegal, and he put himself in a compromising position already.
It's up to you and you alone to define your comfort zone about letting him back home. I don't think that his pot smoking in and of itself is the real problem here. It sounds like he's not aware of or particularly respectful of your personal boundaries or your authority. If he's still living under your roof at 19, that's got to be established clearly. Good luck- I know it's no picnic!

Sounds like there are many issues that may need dealt with, but IMO drugs are not acceptable. He would not bring them into my home under any circumstances. I would offer him a place to stay to get his feet on the ground, but only one try, and if he fails and continues to use, or if I find evidence, then he would be out on the street. End of story.

i guess numerous members of my family are "illogical" because they all started on pot as teens and ended up in rehab for crystal meth, E, coke and crack addictions. they wanted something more "exciting". they are all grown adults now with serious addiction problems.

if the son has various pot paraphenalia, i highly doubt it is a casual thing.

i agree, Ed covered the consequences very well

I'm on Ed's side too. I would do everything Ed said, and I'd also sit down and talk to him about the drug usage. I don't think any form of drugs is acceptable, and would not be acceptable in my home in any shape or form. Although he may not agree with it being illegal, it is. This will be a permanent mark on his criminal record. I also believe that it can be a warning sign. Most people turn to drugs for a reason. It may start with marijuana, but I do think it could lead to more severe, habit forming drugs. And, by the sounds of it, it does not appear that he is just an occasional user. I would have a serious heart to heart conversation and see why he is going down this path.

Does he have a job? Is he going to school? If not, one of those two items (either a job or attending college) would be a prerequisite for moving back in.

I hear what you're saying Kimberly, which is why I mentioned in my post that some people have addictive personalities and can't handle substances of ANY kind. An addict is an addict. I had a few friends who became heroin addicts and eventually kicked their habits. However, they just replaced them with something else- alcohol.
I suspect if your family members had never smoked pot, the chances are good they STILL would have wound up with one addiction or another.

As usual, I realize my views are out of step with most people here. I'm not interested in converting anyone to my way of thinking or having a debate about pot. I thought it was important to mention in the context of the rest of my post.

i don't think your views are that far out there at all. i have just had a lot of experience with addiction in my family and it is no picnic. it required a total change of environment... new friends, new area to live in, new job. and yes, they have traded and swapped various addictions over the years. and it never goes away.

i hope that doesn't happen here. it really takes strength to live through.

I think I understand the situation better now. I did get that he was in the house until his arrest, and moved out because of your reaction? I agree too that his possession of numerous pieces of paraphernalia place him in a category somewhat beyond recreational use. It seems as if your ex's family is trying to interject their opinions on the consequences of his actions. In my opinion they are more than welcome to do just that in their home, but have absolutely no right to act as advocates for your son regarding his residency in your home. My previous suggestions for conditions stand, with the addition of school or work added in (I missed that in my reflection).

This to Jeanne... This may surprise you, but I believe that pot should be decriminalized too. My reasons are most certainly different, and my suggestions remain the same herein.