Cannot sleep

I am so... upset w/ hubby that I cannot sleep a wink. I lay there in bed and it makes me sick just looking at him. All of the bad things that he has ever done to me is going round in circles through my head. I don't know what to do... I feel like I'm at a loss. Let me give you a bit of a back ground so u might be able to understand a bit better.

I married my husband b/c I wanted to get out of my parents house and he told me that if I back out of it then it would be forever (paraphrased). So, I married him. I went behind my parents back because I knew that they wouldn't approve and I was afraid of them disowning me. I felt as though I loved him but I knew I wasn't "in love" w/ him. I felt as though I would grow to love him as time went on.

Shortly there after I got so fed up with him that I wanted to leave him. So, I left him w/o saying a word. I was going to school and working two jobs and all that he did was stay around the house watching porn and playing his video / computer games. We got back together b/c he was so... sweet when he asked me to come back.

About a year later I left him again b/c he was abusive. He pined me against the wall and lifted me up to where my feet barely touched the ground, smacked me in the face, called me bad names like "bitch", and some other things that I feel as though I blocked from my memory and I really don't want to go into my past journal enteries to find out. But, we got back together b/c he said that he would change.

A year after that, I left him again b/c he wanted me to sign a contract that said that I had to maintain a weight of 140 pds. plus or minus 10 pds., pick up after myself, put him above my parents, and like 6 other things I cannot remember. The punishments would range from a dollar to 20 w/ each offence. I didn't sign it. But, during that time I left a sock in the living room and he told me that it was a $10 offence. I told my dad and they brought be back in for the 3rd time and they told me that it was it, if I leave him again they will not support me. I felt so lonely at that time, I refused to talk to hubby and he was sending me heart warming emails and letters, roses (he NEVER does that) and called me constantly telling me how much he loves and cares for me. I also filed for a divorce. I also refused to talk to him. About 2 months after that I had to talk to him over the phone to settle that um... forgot what it is called but it basically tells u who gets what. He sweet talked me and I told him that I wouldnt get back together with him. But, I agreed to have sex w/ him b/c I was so... sexually frustrated. He told me the day we had sex that he would do things in bed that I so... long for (which he NEVER did and refuses to now ) that he had never done b/f. But, when we had sex it was the most pashionate moment in our relationship. My heart melted and I felt so... in love w/ him. We talked behind my parents back and I felt like we worked things out. A week b/f the divorce would be final I decided that I was going to let him back into my life.

Now he has been yelling at me and getting into my face, punching holes in the wall, blaming me for his actions, "taken his wife" (anal rape), this 14 yr old buisness, and many other things. However, I saught vengance by sleeping w/ his best friend b/c he was coming on to me. (I will NEVER do that sort of thing EVER AGAIN.) During this time I also came down w/ seizures (or it became most apparent) and was diagnosed with depression and anxiouty. I lost my job and I am not allowed to drive b/c of my seizures. There was a point in time that my seizures got so bad that I had to be watched 24-7 and was not allowed to be alone in the same room as my son! He lost 3 jobs watching me. So, he is also a good guy. I am so... upset right now that I don't know what to think or even what to do.

I constantly thing about leaving him, but I don't. The thing that is holding me back is the fact that Zuriel needs a father and the fact that I don't have anywhere to go. My parents are scared that I will go back to him and put them through turmoil again. Plus they have paid thousands of dollars to go on a cruise. So, I know if I leave now it wouldn't work out. I don't know what to do... I am so upest.

I am sorry about complaining so much... I just feel like I need some advice and to vent alittle bit.

Wow, I would definitely get out of that relationship in a hurry. You can do much better. It doesn't look like he loves you from what you wrote. He is abusive, controlling, manipulative, the list goes on. Think of your son, do you want him to grow up and treat women that way? He will if you stay with him.

Why did you have to marry him? That's confusing to me. You couldn't just move out into your own place? Sounds like your parents have major issues too.

You will have to be strong, and just leave. Find a women's shelter, and call Family Services. They will help you get on the right track.

Get out of that relationship, or someone will get seriously hurt.

I didn't *HAVE* to marry him... I did just b/c I was afraid that I was going to loose him and from the way he acted at that time he was like Romeo. I knew I wasn't ready to get married but we were engaged to be married. He kept on asking me when I was rdy and I kept telling him "I don't know". Soon he had enough and told me that if I didn't marry him then he would move on. B/c I thought he was such a good guy I married him. However, we really didn't have a wedding night. Instead of engaging in the "married stuff", I cried the entire night. And we didn't have sex until 3 days later. I was thinking heavily about having an annulment, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I could have moved out on my own but I am a major ppl person. I used to work in a restaurant as a server b/c I love interaction w/ other ppl. Being alone in a house, expcially when it snows and u can't get outside, would make me crazy. Plus, at that time I didn't have many friends b/c all of them were going off to collage out of state. I was too unsure of myself to go out and make new friends. *shrugs* I think it is b/c I become too friendly too quick . When I meet somebody and we get along I'll usually ask them to go to the movies w/ my hubby or something of that nature. I don't know... It's just me.

No, I do not want my son to grow up the way Daniel is. However, b/c he is hubby's son he will have some sort of custody of him (if not full custody). B/c of how bad my seizures were in the past I had to have somebody watch over me 24-7 and I wasn't even allowed to stay in the same room as my son. I still do have quite a few seizures that prevent me from working, going to school, and driving. So, I cannot support him. Living in a womans shelter temporarily wouldn't be too bad if I could have Zuriel w/ me. I cannot go on living w/o him. I love him WAY TOO MUCH. I'm sure all u mothers can understand. I do not want him living in foster care b/c I've heard too many bad things about kids in foster care. It would scare the living crap out of me. I guess other than the money my parents have put into the cruise the only thing that is holding me back is the fact that I am WAY TOO PARANOID that I am going to loose my son. The thought of that tears me up way too much and I'd prefure to take whatever hubby dishes out on me until hubby does something substantial enough to bring Zuriel to the hospital. That way I know Hubby won't be able to have much custody of Zuriel and odds would be in my favor. However, that does sound a bit selfish doesn't it I shouldn't wait tell it comes to that point... I need to get up enough courage of my own and talk to a divorce lawyer, womans shelter, and Human Services and find out what my options are.

check your private messages

I am sorry you have gone through all of this. I agree that this relationship is not healthy for you or your baby, and it sounds like you know this too. It just sounds like you don't know how to get out of it, or where to go. You've been through so much. There's got to be some kind of program that you can get into that has shelter and counseling... maybe start by calling Family Services? Someone here might have a better idea of who you should call. I think you really should go to counseling to find out why you keep going back to this man.

I hope everything works out for you.
You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.
We're here if you need to talk.

hey hun..i have and am going thru simalar situation I have left darryl and gone back many times.... we are now going to councilling.... But what your going thru is mush harsher than my situation and I agree with everyone u need to leave ... and if its to hard for u to leave on your own get a restraing order.. u can do sooo much better than that... if u dont leave someone could get hurt God forbid even your son! .... Your a strong women for going thru what u are and the best step to healing is talking about it... now takethe next step and get out of the relationship... trust me I know its easier said then done!.... but u can do it!~!!
im thinking bout u.. and your son and u are in my prayers!!!
im sorry u have to go thru this!
if u ever need to talk we are here !!

(((huge hugs)))) Honey, he is an abuser. i am sorry to be so blunt but i have been in the situation and see (from what you are saying) the way he tries to control you. You need to get out now and stay out. You said you don't want to leave because Zuriel needs a father... i thought the same way, but i was wrong. Staying in an abusive relationship will only teach your son that control and violence are normal. you will only damage him by staying.. not help him. It sounds like your family is supportive and i am sure if you mention the violence, they will help you once again. the hard part for you will be to stay strong and not give in to him. They are only lies... his sweet words and actions are always temporary... that is what an abuser does to reel you back in so they can dominate you again. You have to be strong for your son! i know you can do it because he is your baby, your heart. Talk to who you have to, build your support system. Do it so you and your son don't have to suffer another day. Please know we are all here for you and will try to help you through this. My prayers are with you and your son.

I am seeing a personal psychiatrist, and he asked me if I had talked to a lawyer and see what my options would be. Also, during one of my sessions I acidentally called him my dad ! He told me that he acts as though he is my dad.

We are also going to marriage counciling. He is getting upset b/c he thinks that the marriage councilor is predjudice against men and we are teaming up to get him. He also thinks that the marriage councilor is telling him that he has to do all the changing. What he doesn't seem to realize is that if he changed I would change as well. Oh well... However, during our last session I brought up our most recent fight. This is what happened:

We were eating breckfast at the kitchen table and Zuriel was in his crib still asleep. He was actually in a fairly decent mood at the time and he noticed that in the back storage room that I had ALOT of boxes stacked up ontop of eachother. He asked me what they were and I told him. In one of the boxes was our Christmas decorations. He got *PISSED* b/c I used to keep them in the linin closet. I took them out to make room for other things that we had. Then he demanded to know what was in the closet other than linins and towls (the stuff that belongs in the linin closet). I told him that I didn't know and that I needed to go check to find out. He refused to let me and still demanded that I tell him, "because I was the one to put them there. Therefore I should know what is in there and what isn't." I told him that my memory is not as good as his (he thinks he remembers EVERYTHING. However, I have to admit that he does remember a hell of a lot of stuff.) But, after about 30 min. of him yelling at me b/c I didn't remember what was in there he decided to go and look for himself. Then he saw how disorganized the closet was. (personally I had it organized the way I wanted it and the way I liked it. Except for the top shelf, I put whatever up there if I have no where else to put it) Then he started going on about how messy the house was and took me from room to room showing me what needs to be done and telling me how I don't do it. Soon I had enough of his yelling and nagging (it went on for nearly 2 hrs.) and I yelled back at him. Then he got into my face and I closed my eyes and asked him to go out of my face. He said that he wouldn't and for me to open my eyes. I opened my eyes and smaked his face when he started yelling at me again. (That scared the living hell out of me. That was the first time in my life that I have EVER smacked him deliberately. I couldn't and still can't believe I did that.) But, he punched me back three times and started yelling at me again and I yelled back. Then he bent me over the bottom of the bed post (about 2 1/2 - 3 ft off the ground) to where my shoulders where touching the bed (The bed post is metal and there is now a big dent in it from where he had pushed me back) and he was putting his weight ontop of me pinning me to the bed. (He is a 300 pd. man). When he let me up I told him that I would calm down. Instead I got REALLY furious and told him that I hated him. Then he pulled me by the hair all the way to the front door. He said, "If you hate me so much then leave and leave w/o my son. There's the door, now go". I broke down crying and passed out. (When I get into intence situations like this I pass out / have a siezure). The whole argument was about 3 to 3 1/2 hrs. long.

In any event, I brought this up to the marriage councilor b/c I was freaking out b/c of me smacking my hubby in the face. It is NOT like me to do that. (Dang... my hands are shaking really bad as I'm typing this. ) I was wanting to know how I should deal w/ the situation and to see if there was anything that I could possibly do to prevent myself from doing it, something that he and I could agree to w/ the marriage councilors advice. Instead Daniel told her that I was making it up (at first) by saying, "I don't know what she is talking about". Then he changed his story and said that he was only defending himself from me. Right... He also said that I am always trying to make myself out to be the victim in everything and I'm doing it again. At the end of the session the marriage councilor told us that we are the most difficult clients that she ever had to council and she doesn't know what she could do to help us. But, she said that she would continue seeing us. When we left he was a complete dick for 2 days and divorce came up a billion in one times. I was paranoid about bringing it up, but I had a personal counciling appt. b/f the marriage counciling and he helped me build up some courage to bring it up. BOY was that a mistake.

So, ya... We are going to see a theripist and I am going to personal counciling. Yet again, it boils down to having a place to stay and keeping my son.

This is one email I had found that hubby wrote while we were separated for the 3rd time that I found. Btw: Jessica is the name of our cat.

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I know you aren't around right now. Your out having fun on your vacation that you had planned to spend with me for our anniversary. Since I highly doubt this situation is going to be resolved before July the 10th, Happy aniversary. I hope it is better to you than it will be to me.

Now for the business that needs to be taken care of.

Phone Bill is $76.13 due by July 13
Electric is $70.45 if paid before July 20 if after July 20 then $73.96.

I need to know how we are going to deal with the utilities. It will take at least one business day for them to be turned back on when you turn them off. Jessica will not be able to take the heat in the house for a full day. She will die from heat exhaustion. Plus if you have the utilities cut off on the weekend it won't be until Monday or Tuesday of the next week before they can get turned on again.

I don't know if you still care anything at all about me after hearing the things you've supposedly said about me but for Jessica's sake let me know when you are going to turn the utilities off so that I can get them turned on as quick as possilbe and don't do it on a Friday because you will be killing Jessica.

I still love you and wish you had of talked to me about all of this and we could have taken care of things a lot easier but I respect your choice I just wish you would tell me why...the real reason. I realize you've made up your mind and found support in your old friends and loving family so that there is no hope of us working things out but I would like for you to tell me why, really why you left because we both know that I didn't not say you had to sign a contract or leave. We talked about it and you decided that you were still going to make your chore list. When I left Monday I reminded you that you still had the list to do and if you didn't have it done then we should talk. I never said anything about divorce after we decided to sit down and work things out.

You've made your choice though, and I've dealt with it as best I can for now, all I want is an explanation from you that isn't words that some one else has put into your mouth.

WOW ((((((BIG BIG HUGS))))))) you have got to be a strong and VERY caring woman to go back to situation after situation with him. It sounds to me like he has some problems that HE needs to deal with and that you need to make some choices and STICK to them. You REALLY need to do what is best for you AND your baby. I have seen LOTS of situations like this and usually the child ends up being like the father (if its a male child) I wouldn't want my child to be like that to his future wife, would you? I hope I didn't offend you I just wanted to give you something to think about... like you don't have enough. I can't say for sure what I would do if I married someone like that so I can't give you advice just support!! (((((HUGS)))))

I'm not upset w/ u or nebody else.

I greatly apprishiate ur support.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm not sure. The relationship is obviously very unhealthy and if he has physically abused you I'd be worried he'd do that to your son at one point. IMO I would find a local women's shelter or something of that nature to help get you on your feet alone and never look back. Granted he may get custody but I can't imagine he getting full custody with what you've told us.

I hope something works out for you.

Please don't waste years of your life as well as those of your child, trying to ressurect this relationship. The writing's on the wall, he's had many opportunities to right his wrongs, and it's pretty clear he is uncapable of participating in a healthy adult relationship. It is a dangerous situation for your child, and you as his mother have a responsibility to protect him. I know you are petrified and feel helpless and alone. Your husband knows this and will exploit it to keep you under his control.
But you are not alone. There are many resources out there, you just need to know where to look. Ask your counselor, call your county mental health services, police, church groups, even the local hospital would be able to point you in the right direction.
And finally, don't for a second assume that leaving him would mean losing your son. You need to officially document the times when he abuses you, start a paper trail so that there will be a record of his history of abuse. No judge will grant custody to an abuser.
While being alone is scary, living like you are is a whole lot scarier, don't you think? Being in this disfunctional relationship is preventing you from being in a position to start a stable, loving, and healthy one.

Your a amazing women and very strong!
i dont know what else to say except u amaze me on how strong u are!!
take care.. u and your son are in prayers!!

OK leave and stay gone. Men try to threatned you with your children all the time. You need to stay with your family. Get help and stay with the counceling. You need to worry about you and your son and piss on him. There is help out there for you and medical condition, you just have to be strong and dig for it and demand it!

Family, is among one of my main fears. My parents have been *REALLY* good to me when I've left him b/f and sense we've gotten back together. They've loaned us over $1000, gave us practically everything Zuriel owns, and they are even taking us on a cruise in January! My parents told me b/f I decided to walk into the lawyers office (to file for the divorce) that that was my final chance to back out. They've also expressed that if I leave him that I will be doing so w/o their support. My parents have already done so... much for me. I hate to disapoint them anymore. Afterall, I did get married w/o them there or even knowing about the marriage until the first time I decided that I wanted a divorce. Plus, I was a hellian as a teanager (mind u I was an adult-teanager when I married him). I love my family. But, I am seriously thinking about leaving w/ or w/o their support. However, I believe that once they see that I am going to defantly leave him they may change. My mom told me that they don't want me putting them through that kind of tourmoil and go back to him. I understand her. I was a complete wreck when I left him (expecially the last time). So, I understand.

Any marriage therapist educated on domestic violence should not be seeing you two together!!!!!!

I did domestic violence counseling for years before I had my daughter, now I do family counseling and it is important for any therapist to recognize the risks/dangers of seeing you as a couple. My first "suggestion' is to cease marital counseling--domestic violence is not YOUR ISSUE and you cannot do ANYTHING to change his behavior--marriage counseling is wonderful if there are issues in the marriage that can be worked out etc. however DV is not one of those issues--marriage counseling it tends to 1)put blame on both parties which is NOT the case, 2)can be dangerous if you happen to mention something that he did not want you to mention 3)DOES NOT WORK!!

I don't recommend you stop counseling--on the contrary I think you need to have a person who can support you through this. I would contact the local domestic violence agency --if you are in the states (can't remember where you are) you can call the Nat'l Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and they can refer/connect you to the closest person/agency.

I'm not sure if you are labeling this as domestic violence but from what you have stated it is. You know it comes in many forms--physical violence is only a small portion. --Control, manipulation, sexual abuse, name calling, money control, feeling like you "walk on eggshells"...please get some help--for yourself and your son.

I could type for hours on this subject and can provide you with any help/information you could want. I could recommend books to help you get through this (you could stash them elsewhere). Whatever you need, please realize that this is not going to get better---the begging and pleading and swearing he'll chang is just part of the cyle of abuse/manipulation and is very common. Ask anyone from an abusive relationship.

These are only suggestions--I don't know your specifics and don't pretend to know everything--Just do what you need to do to stay safe.

BIG BIG HUGS!!!

It seems very odd to me that your parents know you are being abused and they think you should stay in the kind of relationship? Most parents are so protecting! And wouldn't want anything to happen to there babies..grown or not. But i think you got some great advice above. Just know that you can fight this and win. Because you are stong and smart. And you don't need anything or anybody but your baby. Do this for him! Please!