Adultery, is this normal for marriage nowadays?

FWIW - I don't have a very good family support system and I think that is why I reach out a lot here on personal issues because I don't know where to turn.

We have a marriage built on our faith with Christ, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When we met, Troy and I both told each other that we don't believe in divorce so I guess we are stuck with each other.

I don't think it's "the norm", but it does irritate me when people don't take their marriage seriously...like's it's just disposable. I don't think men cheat more than woman though. People fall from grace, period. It's just our job to stay away from those temptations.

I never really had any "perfect" role-model marriages around me, but the divorce rate in my family is extremely low. Same with Troy's. It has taught us to fight for what we have with each other and not give up.

Don't let your mom bring your marriage down. Surround yourself with positive people who will root for your marriage, not jinx it to fail.

This post has been edited by Boo&BugsMom on Apr 15 2008, 11:05 AM

I think that today's society isn't taking it as seriously... because today's society is a bunch of whiny two-faced spoiled creditted-up-to-their-ears brats, and men who think they can pay off their trouble to "go away", rather than a few decades ago even, where people had morals and values that encompassed healthy relationships.

Although I have to admit, if I was a rich man in a powerful position, and I had such a wife, I would likely look elsewhere to have some companionship, rather than listening to her nag at me while spending my money on frivolous clothing, manicures and 40K purses, tennis bracelets and spa days all the time. Because I can't stand a flake. Which is typically what the wives of these powerful men we keep hearing about in the news, are. As for the women who cheat... they're likely to feel neglected. I've never heard of a woman well taken care of, emotionally, who has cheated.

Sure, our grandparents may have "settled" for the person they were with... and sure, some were unhappy, some were miserable, some were happy... but they all sucked it up and did the "right thing", ebcause it was the "right thing" to do. They made a commitment and they stuck by it. Today, people changes spouses like they change underwear, and it's sickening, they realize they don't have to "settle", and instead of making the best of what they have, their greed induces them to pursue the never-ending greener pasture.

having been on both sides of the fence, it's easy for ME to say how I feel about it, because I've bene there... but for someone who hasn't, don't you DARE presume it makes either spouse involved a "person with no morals" or a bad person.

For what it's worth - sh&t happens, and you can only hope it doesn't stink too much.

God has definitely been the glue that is holding our marriage together. Thankfully, DH was raised in a strong faith household and divorce is not an option. I have always felt that way, even though my family lives differently. I just really need some reassurance because I have been around so much negativity on the subject lately.

I'm thinking of going to talk to my FIL when my daughter gets home from school about my marriage and concerns with my husband. My dad died a few years ago and I really don't have any male role models I can turn to on the subject. My FIL may be the only one I can turn to, I just really need to get past some of my insecurities that have surfaced lately. God has really been dealing with me lately in my marriage and I am so thankful for that.

Just to add me and my dh have an agreement. If once of wanted to cheat then we would divorce before we done it. Cause we know once we would want to then the marriage is over. (I forget who already said that in here though) Has it ever crossed my mind kindof not to where I would go and do it but just fantasize yes I have fantasized about it I am not gona lie. I am sure my dh has thought about it also but he has never acted on it. I know that 100%. I know where he is and what he is doing 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Not that I am like that to where I HAVE to know but he tells me. I dont ask.

DH and I have talked about it too and agreed to end in divorce before cheating. He has come out and said if he cheated on me and I took him back that he would definitely do it again because I let him get by with it the first time.

It is very sad that marriage is not taken seriously anymore. I can only hope I can teach my children to value marriage and their spouse.

Thanks again for everyone's reassurance and opinions. I truly appreciate it.

I agree with this. Just b/c someone makes a mistake doesn't make them a bad person. We are all human.

That's some seriously messed up logic right there.

Why would you think they want your marriage to fail?

My mom has told me that all men cheat and not to be surprised when it happens to me. She has said that if a man can cheat on someone as beautiful as Halle Berry then my marriage is not safe. Other women in my family tell me that love does not last forever and to be prepared for when DH leaves me.

I made that comment because I only have one woman in my family I can talk to about marriage and not get negative feedback that it is only a matter of time before DH cheats or beats on me because that is all they have had done to them. So sometimes it just feels like they can't wait for my marriage to fail like theirs have.

Aimee has it nailed for sure!

I'm sorry to hear your family talks to you like that. It's too bad they are dumping their bad experiences on you and trying to control you life like that. If they really cared about you, they would only wish the best for you.

While anything is possible, just because it happens to them doesn't mean it will happen to you.... unless you go through your life worrying about it. This will cause you to act as if it's "only a matter of time", which just leads to a downward spiral.

You can't control what someone does. All you can do is control what YOU do. If that isn't enough for the other person, and they cheat, then it's their problem. Don't try to take ownership of someone else's actions.

/sigmund fraud.


Oh, regarding Halle Berry..... Here is my quote for the day. "Show me any hot girl or guy and I will show you someone who is tired of having sex with them." A relationship is more then just the sex, but let's face it, some people were not built to be in a relationship no matter how hard the other person tries.

9 years and going strong.
Actually, we have been together nearly 11, and have been 100% faithful to each other since day one.

You know what I think? I think they're all just jealous of the relationship that you have and want it for their own. People only put down other people out of jealousy and to make themselves look good. Only some serious therapy is gonna make any of them look good and I'm not even sure of that, lol.

Listen to their "advice/rantings", nod your head and smile and let it go right out of your head again. You know now that it's not your insecurities, it's THEIRS. All the negativity is bringing you, and your marriage, down. ITA agree with whomever said that they're trying to make you take ownership for their failures. It's like they're not mature enough to figure out it's THEIR problem, not YOURS.

This post has been edited by Teesa®© on Apr 15 2008, 11:57 AM

I know pleanty of unfaithful woman, myself included. ( not now though) There are ways to be in a faithful long marraige. But I haven't entered the wonderful wedded world yet. For good reason. my past relationships stunk on an emotional and understanding level. The one i have now has it's bumps but no matter how hard it's getting i have no desire to cheat. I can't say i felt the same way in the past, if you and the other person are meeting eachothers needs and making an effort to listen, learn and understand I don't see why one would want to cheat.
My cheating was from neglect, insecurity and not having mutural respect for the other person.

I must assume that since I was among the first to question the cheater's general moral standing that I'm a target of this statement. If not, cool - if so, I've been in business for more than thirty years and I say right now that there is a correlation between a person's private and public behavior. Don't anyone dare tell me how to perceive anything. I see what I see and perceive what my experience tells me to. Frankly, I don't really care what anyone else thinks of my perceptions.

i think when someone makes a committment like marriage, they should understand what that actually means before making the promise. a lot don't... hence the adultery. but i do believe two people who truly are committed can have a completely faithful marriage even though, i too, have been plagued with jaded female role models .

i am in my first marriage and have never cheated.

My opinion is based on people I know IRL who have cheated....I shouldn't have been suprised because they were flaky at best in honoring other committments and responsibilities, why should I think they'd honor one that big?

It wasn't directed at you , and it wasn't a generalization, it is my opinion based on people I know.

I must assume that since I was among the first to question the cheater's general moral standing that I'm a target of this statement. If not, cool - if so, I've been in business for more than thirty years and I say right now that there is a correlation between a person's private and public behavior. Don't anyone dare tell me how to perceive anything. I see what I see and perceive what my experience tells me to. Frankly, I don't really care what anyone else thinks of my perceptions.

No, wasn't directed at anyone in particular... i'm just tired of being grouped into a category, and I'm tired of being told my husband sucks. Not ALL men & women who cheat are without morals, some happen to have very strong ones. Someone who hasn't gone through it, on either side, can't possibly presume to know the thoughts and the feelings involved, and can only assume, based on perceptions from the surrounding "offenders"...and those assumptions do not group EVERYONE in that category, you know? It's not fair to those in that situation.

I.e., me.

Ed you can have the perceptions you want, obviously... but don't tell me I'm without morals.

ITA!!!! People are jealous, esp. if you come from a family whose marriages are not all that grand. Instead of working on their own, it's easier for them to tear apart others. Don't let them do it.

We'll be married 25 years in November and neither one of us cheated ever. IRL, I only know of a few cases where it happened, including one of my siblings. It certainly is much more far reaching than the people involved~that's for sure.

I really don't put alot of stock in the media and their misplaced emphasis on stuff much, though. I heard a statistic on NPR that blew me away and confirmed my view of their misplaced paranoia. Do you know how many US children were abducted by total strangers in 2006? 50~my mouth dropped to the floor. It's all we ever hear about. The media doesn't seem to ground itself in reality but they are well aware sex sells!

well my last marrage ended because of adultry......but i guess those reasons are because he fell out of love with me...but i guess if you love someone truely and give your every bit to them adultry wouldnt even cross anyones mind, i think some times people dont take marrage seriously anymore, they never seem to want to work at it, like its sappose to come easy

Rocky, I think you have a point there. I think people get grouped into categories that are unfair - and not just in the case of adultery. I think it's fine to have opinions, but who are we to judge anyone? We aren't in their shoes. I find it odd how people judge others so much.

I dont know if anything I said was hurtful to anyone but if it was I didnt mean it that way.

I have been cheated on before and caught them in the act. Needless to say she didnt leave without getting her *butt* kicked. And I took him back and forgave him. (not my dh though)

I dont judge people like that.

Why would you kick her butt? He cheated on you.

Why would you kick her butt? He cheated on you.

When a woman knows a man is married, then she is just as guilty as he is and is nothing but a homewrecker! She deserves her butt kicked as well. Actually, sometimes I am even more upset at the homewreckers than I am the spouse.

I don't think I truly 100% believe this. In some marriages yes, but not all or a lot. We have two friends who are married. He cheated on her. He truly 100% feels guilty...even got up in front of the church and told EVERYONE in the congregation about it because he felt SO guilty (now that takes guts). They are working on their marriage and I can honestly say they are totally in love. I think a lot of times people mistake lusting someone else for falling out of love with their spouse.

Why would you kick her butt? He cheated on you.

When a woman knows a man is married, then she is just as guilty as he is and is nothing but a homewrecker! She deserves her butt kicked as well.

I agree.

I think it's sad how cheating has become so common. Dh and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10. I've always been faithful and won't ever cheat and I trust that Dh has been and will be faithful too otherwise we wouldn't have gotten married.