I need some advice PLEASE, 13 year old son

[sostressed]

I need some advice or if any of you could please tell me what you would do in this situation. First I have three children 2 boys ages 13 and 8 and a daughter age 11. the to oldest by a prior relationship.My problem is with my 13 year old, when he was 10 he went to live with his dad because it was ordered by a judge we had been in and out of court for many years over child support and the judge was tired of it and he ordered that I take custody of my daughter and my ex custody of my son, during the years he lived with me it was a constant battle he would hit me and his sister also ,I do not mean just sibling fighting he would punch her as hard as he could or make her wreck her bikeand still does when he visits . When I try and talk to him about this or punish him it sets off and explosion.If he would not get his way it was awful for everyone, we had tried counseling but it seemed to only make it worse, he has calmed down some since living with his father but not much he has been kicked out of school for punching another kid and knocking his tooth out so, after that his father decided to pull him out of school to home school him which I recently found out that he has not done any school work the whole year, everytime I would ask about his schooling he would say it was going good then it slipped that he had done nothing so he will be held back into the sixth grade again next year. I talked with the school and they said there is no way to tell if he is doing work until he comes in to take a home school test. He has now called after being here over the weekend and is wanting to move back in with me I do not know what to do I want to help him and have tried everything I can to reach him but letting him move back in scares me to death he is so violent with my daughter and I know how it was before, My daughter has ADHD and I do not think I can handle all the stress like I did before. He has also been tested for ADHD but they did not think he had it. I am now a single mom I did get a divorce because of all the stress the man I was married to helped me raise my son and daughter since they were 1 and 2 and he could not deal with it anymore I think if I had been him I may have did the same thing. I am sorry this is so long but I really need some advice.. I feel like such a bad mom

[mckayleesmom]

Well...my kids are not that old, But I have 2 brothers,,1 older and 1 younger and my mom went through the same thing. My younger brother has ADHD and Terets syndrome. My mom ended up putting them both in group homes....with my older brother, he was really peeved at my mom for having him committed to the group home...he ran away after about a month...then they found him and he went back....He was allowed to finally come back home after a couple months...Him and my mom had a fight and he almost pushed her down the stairs..when he realized this..he asked to go back to the home...So my mom took him and it worked good for him....Now my younger brother sounds like your 13 year old. Violent, acting out...disobaying authority...not going to school (he actually tried to jump out of the car when my older brother was taking us to school one day...my older brother had to hold him by the hair till we got to school),....my mom had him committed also..but with more of a fight...it took 5 grown men to trap him and get him in the car. He completely refused to participate in any of the counseling..family or otherwise...He stole while he was in the group home...pretty soon the group home wanted him gone he was soo bad. My mom brought him home and today he is pretty well adjusted and nice to be around. He has a steady girlfriend and a job, isn't violent anymore...So with him we think it was a phase. I know it sounds mean,,but you said that couseling didn't work...Have you tried a group home with couseling among people his own age? He might feel better if he was in a setting with other people his own age. Alot of them have peer couseling and group couseling and they they have family sessions every sooo often. At first he might put up a fight and not want to go..most don't,,,but some really benefit from it...My older brother did. When he was around people his own age in the same situation he felt more comfortable. When kids are taken to family couseling or just couseling, sometimes they feel like the bad seed in the family and might be embarrassed to admit they need help with their anger issues. If he is in a setting where he is not the only "bad seed"..he might be willng to accept the help.

[sostressed]

Thank you for that suggestion, I will have to look and see if there are any group homes or settings in my community.