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> Privacy issues- woman step inside please...
DVFlyer
Posted: Nov 27 2009, 12:40 PM
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A little help here....

My wife and I have had issues with her checking and even deleting emails from my account from our laptop computer- which receives email for both of our accounts.

I use the same email for work and home so many times, I will receive mail from vendors etc.

Occasionally, I will have to explain who "so and so" is or why are they emailing me. Other times I will come home to find emails deleted that may not have been important, but still something I may have wanted to see. I've tried to explain to her that what she thinks "isn't important" is irrelevant and to stop looking at my emails... or at least leave them there.

Now, her actions have spilled over to Facebook.

I RARELY use FB. Within the last month, my sister- who is on FB- discovered our old neighbors from when we were 8 years old and living on the east coast. They are girls.

I added them to my friends list and we made a couple of posts back and forth and that was it.

The other day, I see a "friend request" from one of them... "Odd" I think to myself.

Turns out my wife deleted her from my friends list because she doesn't see a need for me to talk to her.

Keep in mind, we're talking *maybe* two posts back and forth- none of which were anything odd- and I also provided this person with my personal email (which my wife has full access to).

I've been VERY specific with her about how I think her actions are inappropriate before and yet here she goes again.

The fact she logs into my accounts is one thing I hate, but to delete things just because she doesn't think it's necessary???

What do I do with this woman? growl.gif


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luvmykids
Posted: Nov 27 2009, 01:41 PM
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Whoa, hate to break it to you but either your wife is very, very insecure, or a little controlling. I'm not a fan of secret passwords, but in this case I think I'd change mine. Although, if the case IS that she's insecure or doesn't trust you that sure won't help matters. But your emails would be safe laugh.gif
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kimberley
Posted: Nov 27 2009, 03:02 PM
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it really depends where the insecurity stems from. if you have been inappropriate in the past, then the trust issues are predictable but if you haven't, she is certainly crossing the line.

i do believe couples should have nothing to hide and freely share passwords or info about friends/emails, but deleting messages is wrong. maybe let her know if she can't control herself from deleting things then you will change your passwords. if she finds something troubling, she should wait til you are home and deal with it together.


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My3LilMonkeys
Posted: Nov 27 2009, 09:10 PM
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Honestly I think she's waaaaay overstepping the bounds. My DH has my email and Facebook passwords (and I his) and if he ever deleted a friend or an email (other than obvious junk/spam type mail) I would be pissed. He does occasionally question who so-and-so is on my FB or how I know them and I don't mind that, but anything beyond is over the limit IMO.

If I were you I'd explain to her one last time that you don't want her deleting anything. If she doesn't listen, I'd change all passwords and security questions so she can't access your accounts, and I'd explain to her exactly why you feel it necessary to do so.
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luvmykids
Posted: Nov 27 2009, 10:24 PM
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I wanted to add this too...it's one thing to have each others passwords, it's a very different to monitor each others accounts on an ongoing basis and delete things.
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Nina J
Posted: Nov 28 2009, 12:22 AM
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I don't think it is an issue with privacy. Your wife has access to your e-mail and facebook, which to me indicates you are very open and have nothing to hide from her. So, I don't think it is a privacy issue, it is a boundaries issue.

The e-mail thing would irritate me. The e-mails may seem like they aren't important to you, but they're your e-mails. In today's day and age, e-mails are exactly like regular mail. I would never throw out my husband's mail or delete his e-mails because it seemed unimportant. They're his, he throws them out or deletes them. The only situation I can think where I would throw away a piece of mail or delete an e-mail is if it were quite plainly junk.

I think it is completely overstepping boundaries for her to have deleted a friend of your on facebook. She has access to your facebook, you are not trying to hide anything. And quite frankly, you're a grown man. Everyone is entitled to be-friend whom they chose, irregardless of gender. I am curious - do you think she would have deleted your facebook friend if the person was male?

I think it is an issue with your wife, she seems insecure. It appears that she is going to drastic lengths to ensure that nothing compromises your relationship, but she needs to realise that, while she is your wife, there are boundaries. She cannot control your life, who you speak to, etc. I would ask her why she thinks you have no reason to talk to this person on facebook. And let her know that, as an adult, you are entitled to be friends with who you wish.

In all honesty, I think the controlling behaviour stems from an insecurity on your wifes part. Which isn't a bad thing, we all have insecurities, flaws, etc. I'd say the only thing you can do is to just talk to her, tell her how you feel about the issue, and give her the time to say what she is really feeling and why she is doing these things.



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msoulz
Posted: Nov 28 2009, 11:43 AM
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A good, long talk when everyone is calm and not at all upset about this issue is in order. Sounds like she needs reassurance from you, for whatever reason, that you do not hide these things from her because you have nothing to hide and in return you need her to trust your commitment to her.

Absent anything you or she may have done in the past, I'm guessing she has a friend whose husband/significant other was "caught" doing something he/she should not have and perhaps it frightened her. We have all heard the stories.

I am sure you will work it out so you are both comfortable!! thumb.gif


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A&A'smommy
Posted: Nov 28 2009, 03:35 PM
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It sounds like she has some trust issues and there may or may not be a reason for it. I don't know how long you guys have been together but you have to remember that she is a woman and women tend to hang onto things a LOT longer than men do, so it could stem from past boyfriends.
You need to talk to her and tell her that it bothers you and tell her why without attacking her because if you attack her she is going to get defensive and fight with you which is unneccessary.


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DVFlyer
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 09:18 AM
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Thanks all.

I don't believe I have ever given her a reason to be insecure. I'm sure she could come up with "something", but even if I had, it still doesn't give her permission to do what she's doing.

As Nina mentioned, I feel this is a boundary issue. Maybe if I was staying out late every night after work, or taking private cell phone calls etc, I could understand (but not agree with) her snooping into my accounts, but not this.

Yes, she would delete a friend that was male.... she did. It was someone her and I spoke about that I really didn't care whether I was his "friend" or he mine. She deleted his account from my FB account also, which is wrong, but she thinks she was doing me a favor.

This latest issue with my old neighbor just drives me crazy. This was someone my family grew up with while we lived on the east coast. It's not like I miss them or we were so close, it's just kind of neat to talk to them. Not to mention it should be up to ME to decide who I'm friends with and who I'm not.

The last couple of years has been very trying. I have started to feel that she looks at me like another child she can control. I have uttered the words, "You are my wife, not my mother. I have to respect you, but I do not have to listen to you" more times than I care to count.

And this is over stupid stuff that I can't believe I would have to get "permission" to do.

e.g. Buy a new pair of work shoes or tennis shoes.

I could lock up my accounts, use a separate computer, etc, but I don't feel like that would help things. Part of me thinks she's doing this just to test how far she can go.

Thanks again for your input.


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coasterqueen
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 11:16 AM
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Hmm, nothing to add if you haven't given her a reason in the past of being inappropriate. Have you talked to her about this at all?


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A&A'smommy
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 11:18 AM
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ick well to me it sounds like there is more going on than just that... is she a stay at home mom because it could be out of frustration or boredom.

TALK TO HER!!! Take some time to be alone with her when the kids are in bed and tell her how you feel, because if you don't things will fester and get worse and go further to the bad place.


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DVFlyer
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 11:50 AM
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We almost never have time alone.... I'd have to plan that.

I've always thought the "norm" would be to put the kids to bed and mom and dad have some time alone. Not with us. As it is, I sleep alone in the master bedroom and she sleeps in the office with our son (or vice versa- I sleep in the office and she sleeps in the big bed with our son). She doesn't feel (at 4) he's ready to sleep on his own.

It's been like this for so long, it's normal for me to sleep by myself. I've convinced myself that since I get up early, it's better for her to sleep on her own so that she can sleep in without me waking her up while getting ready for work.

Of course now, she gets up when I do so her reasoning for not sleeping in the same bed is to keep my son from keeping me up all night. He likes to wiggle and kick and stuff when he sleeps.

Like she's doing me a favor...


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Convincing the world that the only way to solve the ongoing issues while raising children is PERSISTENCE. You have to keep trying things and not give up........ they eventually go away on their own. ;-)
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DVFlyer
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 12:01 PM
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QUOTE (A&A'smommy @ Nov 30 2009, 11:18 AM)
ick well to me it sounds like there is more going on than just that... is she a stay at home mom because it could be out of frustration or boredom.

Yes, she's a stay at home mom....

I've thought about the boredom thing too. She has too much time on her hands.

Hopefully when the kids are in school full time, she'll get a job. She is studying to get her Real Estate license so we'll see how far that takes her.


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Convincing the world that the only way to solve the ongoing issues while raising children is PERSISTENCE. You have to keep trying things and not give up........ they eventually go away on their own. ;-)
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A&A'smommy
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 07:00 PM
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Ok well coming from another stay at home mom with very little to do, other than chase children and clean the house, that it could be the sorce of her insecurities.. maybe she feels like she has lost her identity some even with working on getting her real estate licence. OR she may just need to let the baby sleep alone and spend the night with her husband, go on a date get a baby-sitter (of send them to the grandparents house for the weekend if that is possible). Romance her and you might see a change in her behavior. And I know that your four year old is the "baby" but it seems to me like its time for her to let him sleep alone it would probably help her in the long run and him too.


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luvbug00
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 08:12 PM
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I agree, it's time for "baby" to go to his bed. Maybe you can plan and get that alone talk time. Plan a romantic dinner at home, maybe picnic style and talk things over. approching it in a calm setting will get you alot further then a talk at the kitchen table with harsh lighting. (IMO)


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moped
Posted: Nov 30 2009, 08:37 PM
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DV.....are you asking for advice or venting? I don't want to chime in and say what I think and offend you.



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Kirstenmumof3
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 06:06 AM
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It sounds like your wife has a lot of insecurities and may also be depressed. I know that when I was depressed I had a lot of distorted thinking, a lot of negative thinking and often I would be suspicious of my DH. I agree that you need to schedule some time just for the 2 of you and if the boundary issues continue then you need to let her know that you will be changing you passwords and other personal information with regards to your email and FB.


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DVFlyer
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 08:38 AM
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QUOTE (moped @ Nov 30 2009, 08:37 PM)
DV.....are you asking for advice or venting? I don't want to chime in and say what I think and offend you.

Both..

Fire away... wait...let me put my flame suit on....

Ok... go ahead.


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moped
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 10:08 AM
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QUOTE (DVFlyer @ Dec 1 2009, 11:38 AM)
QUOTE (moped @ Nov 30 2009, 08:37 PM)
DV.....are you asking for advice or venting?  I don't want to chime in and say what I think and offend you.

Both..

Fire away... wait...let me put my flame suit on....

Ok... go ahead.

tongue.gif No flame suit needed. GOOF!

So has she always been extremely insecure in your relationship? That is EXTREME!

Tom and I can access each others emails, although we NEVER do. I don't know his facebook password and he doesn't know mine, although I am sure he could figure it out. I can see his friends without signing in under him.....ya know?

Everyone has a life before the SO came along. I personally have a hard time with the insecurity thing, it just doesn't do anyone any good at all. I would think it is really exhausting as well......on both parties.

Have you asked her "Why are you so insecure"??? She might come up with a good reason. I am sure you have never done anything to make her insecure, she could be just that all on her own. I don't THINK it would have anything to do with her being a SAHM, but I don't know.

I know you have mentioned this type of thing int he past, so this isn't a new thing. But maybe ask her as a start to please NOT sing into your facebook or email and please don't ever delete anything, that is just respect plain and simple.

Does she realize how hard this sort of thing can be on a relationship?


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DVFlyer
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 12:50 PM
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user posted image oh... wait.

biggrin.gif

Ya, we need to have a talk. Last night, it was like she read this thread (hopefully THAT didn't happen).

She put Keian in his own bed (actually with Chloe) and her and I slept in "our" bed.

It's like being on a roller coaster, only not as fun and I can't get off and leave the park when I'm done.

wink.gif


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DVFlyer
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 12:51 PM
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Oh, I'm sure she realizes how hard something like this can be, but since she doesn't feel there is a problem, then there is nothing to worry about.


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PrairieMom
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 01:19 PM
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It just flat out sounds like a respect issue to me. I would never ever in a million years think to delete my Dh's emails or friends on FB, but I respect and trust him enough to know that I can ask him about anything and get a truthful answer out of him.

Have you two thought about marriage counseling?
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moped
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 01:38 PM
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QUOTE (DVFlyer @ Dec 1 2009, 03:50 PM)
user posted image oh... wait.

biggrin.gif

Ya, we need to have a talk. Last night, it was like she read this thread (hopefully THAT didn't happen).

She put Keian in his own bed (actually with Chloe) and her and I slept in "our" bed.

It's like being on a roller coaster, only not as fun and I can't get off and leave the park when I'm done.

wink.gif

You are hilarious!!!!!!

I hope things do get better, but honestly I don't know, if someone is like that, that is how they are right? I could be wrong and probably am wrong!


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luvmykids
Posted: Dec 1 2009, 03:18 PM
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QUOTE (moped @ Dec 1 2009, 04:38 PM)
QUOTE (DVFlyer @ Dec 1 2009, 03:50 PM)
user posted image oh... wait.

biggrin.gif

Ya, we need to have a talk.  Last night, it was like she read this thread (hopefully THAT didn't happen).

She put Keian in his own bed (actually with Chloe) and her and I slept in "our" bed.

It's like being on a roller coaster, only not as fun and I can't get off and leave the park when I'm done.

wink.gif

You are hilarious!!!!!!

I hope things do get better, but honestly I don't know, if someone is like that, that is how they are right? I could be wrong and probably am wrong!

I think people can get over low self esteem/insecurities, but they have to realize and admit it's within their control to do so.

No matter whether the problem is insecurity, disrespect, control issues, etc....she's going to have to be willing to see how much it bothers you and stop doing it. Have you ever gotten a straight answer from her on WHY she does this?
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DVFlyer
Posted: Dec 2 2009, 08:10 AM
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Definitely a respect/ boundary etc. issue.

She has been known to take my clothes out of the closet and throw them away or put them in the goodwill bag just because I don't wear them or "she" doesn't think I'll wear them.

The last incident was a pair of work type boots. I rarely wear them and only do when I work in the mud (rare in So Cal), but I DO wear them.

About a month ago, I found them next to a bag of clothes for goodwill. When I questioned her about it, she said I never wear them, so she didn't see a reason for me to have them.

I should probably make a big fuss about it, but I don't.


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