Touch.....In need of advice.

Hi there,

I recently become the caretaker of a 16 year old girl. She was abused; therefore that makes her very untrusting of anyone. She started to see a counselor about 3 months. She has made some progress, but she told me that she would like to change.
We've gotten to the point where I'm now allowed to come within 3 feet of her, but she told me she wants to be able to trust me. So she said she wants to be able to be held, hugged, basically touched without fear. I told her I'd be happy to try it, but I have no idea how to even start the process. She won't let me talk to her counselor and I'm a single parent with no one to turn to for advice. Do you have any suggestions?

That is a hard one. I would try to speak to a professional in the field of abuse they may have some ideas on what steps you can take.

Oh boy, you have a tough one there! It also sounds like she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Abused children, especially those who've been abused for a long period attain this psychological disorder. They are unable or unwilling to become close to anyone. In a teenager, this is because of the failures of the primary caregivers before you to give the love and acceptance that all children need.

Try non-intimate touch first; like doing her fingernails, a pedicure, having her help with folding the laundry while you make small talk, play guess which hand is holding (fill in the blank); things like that. Most of all she needs to keep seeing her counselor. It may not hurt to seek professional advice yourself; this young lady has a tough road ahead; and so do you, but I like to think that all kids deserve a fighting chance to be able to love. To do that they must first be loved.

More than anything she needs to know that you are committed to her emotionally and that you understand her inability to touch (even though most people don't). She needs to know its okay and that you still view her as valuable and as a human being who has basic human needs, even though she doesn't have the courage to come close to you.

Finally, it may be necessary for you to seek inpatient therapy if she is unable to get emotionally close to you. Some kids have been detached for so long that it takes intense therapy for them to overcome their fear of getting close to anyone. Good luck! I'd love to know how you progress!

I don't have any advise, but I would just like to commend you for what you are doing for this girl! It takes a really special kind of person to do what you are doing!

Thank you very much for your advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.

Good luck with this I hope that you will have a break through with her!

This post has been edited by alyssa'smommy on Dec 2 2004, 09:32 AM