This year was harder than the others...

the Radiothon for the stollery hospital has hit me harder this year than the other 3 i heard.. i just cant seem to get everything that happened out of my head! I have been havign dreams about Jordan and i miss him so much! I just do not know why this has affected me this much and hasnt the other years...

Shelly you just lost another baby, so I think this is why it is hitting you so hard! I'm so sorry you have to suffer like this, I can't even imagine what it is like to loose a child. You are a very strong women and I have always admired you! Sending you lots and lots of hugs!

Thanks Kirsten! maby because i shared my story this year and got such a strong reaction from sean and the other dj's as well!

Shelly, I don't personally know what it's like to go through what you've been through, so I don't have advice.

I just want you to know that I have read just about everything you've written about Jordan and I find that your love for him continues to shine so brightly. I have sat here with tears streaming down my face as I read your words and somehow you manage to put into words the pain you feel.

You are truly an inspiration to everyone here Shelly. The strength you posess is something that is truly admired by many here.

I think this is why. This year, you told your story to the radio. You talked about when you lost your son, you wrote what happened to you in your e-mail. Writing what happened, in a way, is sort of like re living it, KWIM? I've written about when relatives have died, and to me it's just so much more emotional than the thoughts in my head.

I can't even pretend to know what you went through. I only know, from losing loved ones, that the pain is something that goes on and continues to hurt in new ways.

I've noticed that "hard/bad days" are triggered by things that you'd never expect. For instance, my sister's boss, who lost a child five years ago was experiencing a lot of grief over the five year aniversary of her baby's death. THAT triggered a lot of grief in me. (I'm around them a lot). My niece was born six weeks after my daughter was so they would be the same age. Every tiny milestone of my niece's life triggers an "episode". (I don't know what to call it!!) And it ALWAYS feels like it's happening all over again. This is something that people can't understand. People who've never experienced the loss of a child have the misconception that it gets "better" with time.....I overheard someone asking my sister how I was doing and she said "Not too good". The lady said, "Well, it's been almost a year, I thought she'd be ok by now". WOW....I realized then that people have NO CLUE!! Unless you've experienced the loss of a child you really have no idea what it's like.

I can't imagine the pain and loss you all are going through...

I just wanted to say that I'm keeping you all in my prayers, no matter how recently or long ago you lost your babies, it doesn't make the pain go away or your feelings any less significant.