I am so hurt and angry right now

I don't know maybe this is trivial but I'm upset either way. My DH just lied to me for the first time ever in the 12 years we've been together! I just can't believe this. He's NEVER lied to me and I've never to him and he did finally tonight . And of all things his lie was about something trivial!

He was upstairs putting all the garbage bags in the cans and Kylie was really wanting to go down in the basement and play. I told DH I had already been down there with her earlier and didn't want to be down there anymore so he said he'd go down there with her if I put the rest of the bags in the cans. I said ok and proceeded to the master bath to put those in. I come out of there to put bags in the laundry room trash can and I see Kylie going down the basement stairs by herself. So first I helped her down and then I went to hunt for DH. He wasn't in the basement already. So I go back upstairs and there he is headed down to the basement with a drink in his hand. So I calmly asked him why he let Kylie go down there by herself when he said he would watch her. He said because he had to go pee (well not his words, but anyways). I said well it looks like to me you were coming back from getting a fresh drink. He said..no I got the drink first and she was up here with me then I went pee...I was peeing and when I finished she was gone. I was a little preturbed but brushed it off.

Then Kylie begged me to stay in the basement and play picnic so I did..she wanted all three of us to play. Dh says he has to go pee first then he'd play. Mind you this was all in a matter of 5 minutes or less. I looked at him all weird and said didn't you just go? He said when? I said uh you just finished telling me you went. He said uh oh..stuttering then admited he lied because he didn't want me to holler at him for getting a drink over watching her.

I am first angry because he let go down the stairs by herself while he worried about his precious drink (alcoholic btw) and THEN he had to lie to me about it! And that had to be his first lie!

I am so mad and so hurt I just immediately came upstairs before I blew a gasket in front of Kylie.

Ohh no... I would be REALLY hurt too!! But I have to say you are VERY lucky to be married to a man that has never lied to you until now! ((((BIG HUGS))))

oh that is awful! i am sorry he did that to you. it seems a trend for men to lie about stupid things so we don't get mad at them... but it ends up worse because we always find out! i would tell him that he broke a part of your trust that he held for 12 yrs (lucky guy) and maybe he will think twice before he lies again... especially about something so trivial. (((big hugs)))

I did and I don't know why but I just am so angry at him and it makes me even more angry because he's not taking my feelings seriously.

He lied to me because of my issues with his drinking...that's why he lied. I'm so sick and tired of beating in the ground the issues of his drinking with him I'm about fed up. He is an alcoholic but he's not an abusive one and in all honesty he doesn't do what most alcoholics I've been around are like. Yes he always has a drink in his hand...but his tolerance is so damn high you would NEVER be able to tell if he was drunk...and Kylie is way off to la la land before he'd ever get that way. I am just so tired of it...I'm so tired of telling him about it and trying to make him understand.

Sorry for venting about all this.

your anger is completely understandable, Karen. trust is sacred in a marriage and he damaged that. he is probably minimalizing it in is head thinking... she is just complaining cuz i got a drink... but he doesn't realize what damage has been done. people who grew up hard, like you and me, have a very hard time trusting people and when we do and that person breaks that trust in any way... our instincts kick in to protect ourselves... hence your anger and sadness.

i know the drinking isn't a good thing (i grew up with an alcoholic father), but if it is as you say and he is not abusive and doesn't do it around Kylie, maybe let it go for now and fight the bigger issue of how he broke your trust. pick your battles to ease your stress. you and that bean need to have a calm, happy pg. we are always here for hugs or an ear or shoulder. i wish i could come there and give you a great big hug!

I could totally see how you'd be frusterated. Especially since the drinking has been a "hot button issue" with you anyway.

The fact that Kylie could have fallen down the basement stairs while he was off satisfying his addiction is what would have me fuming. His lying was just a lame attempt to avoid a comment from you about his drinking.

Phooey on him. Make him sleep on the couch in the basement tonight. LOL

I'm sorry you got hurt tonight. I'm even sorrier that you have to deal with alcoholism in your home. I have that issue also (my dad's an alcoholic; also in denial).

That one lie may be part of his disease progression. First alcoholics laugh it off as paranoia. Then, as the disease progresses, they deny their need for alcohol and use other excuses when they refill. Karen, have you stated to him that you believe he is an alcoholic yet?

I wanted to offer hugs Im sorry your upset, I hate lies of any kind, big or small Im sure he did that so you would not get mad.... Im sure he did not mean to hurt your feelings!!! I think when we are PG things are a million times worse!

Ed,

I have told him of his problem. Actually we both come from alcoholic families and when we first started dating we always promised to keep each other in check. Ironically enough our grandfathers were drunk buddies before we were even though of. We also always promised each other that our drinking habits would be drastically curbed when we decided to have children...yeah I shouldn't have believed that one...same with the smoking. I really only had a "problem" with alcohol as a teen and in my early 20's. I got my sense early on. I always thought he'd really slow down when he saw his dd for the first time.

I will admit and this isn't a denial thing that he really is a different kind of alcoholic. When he's had too much to drink...he just goes to sleep and like I stated his tolerance is sooooooooo insanely high (or at least I think so0 that it never is an issue til even after I go to bed. I know that's no excuse and I've told him time and time again that his problem is still an issue because what if I really needed him for Kylie's sake in the middle of the night.

There have been a few instances where he was supposed to be "there" for Kylie in the middle of the night but he was asleep and wasn't so I had to be. The one thing about his drinking is if he's had too much....he sleeps hard. Nothing and I do mean nothing can wake him up. So those are the nights I'm the only parent. This is also why he is not trusted with her alone throughout the night. Sad I know.

He goes through a 1.75 liter bottle of Jack Daniels every 4 days or so. This is too much I think. He doesn't think he's harming anyone and says he should be able to "wind" down after a hard day at the office. He knows how I feel and knows how hurt I am by all this but he doesn't seem to care I guess. He sure must not if he won't listen. I've even packed my bags and attempted to leave several times before Kylie was ever thought of...but I couldn't leave. I've told him numerous times since she's been born that if Kylie is EVER harmed because of his drinking whether it's him harming her or his actions harming her....I will leave and take our kids so far away from him he won't ever be able to see them...well that doesn't seem to bother him either I guess.

I am almost to the point of talking to his father..the only one I can think of that might knock some since in his head...but then again his father is an alcoholic. BUT his father has toned down dramatically since his 4th wife got pg and he's now in his 60's with a 7 year old.

I've spent the last 10 years or so out of 12 trying to deal with this issue and no one not even his friends thinks I have a valid argument. They think he's fine. The problem is they don't see him at night during the week. They have no idea how much he consumes. They think I'm crazy.

I've poured it all down the drain..I've done it all. Maybe I should just give up...who knows.

Sorry you asked a simple question and I just poured way too much out that I've never said before.

I just want to offer you some ((((((BIG HUGS FOR KAREN)))))!! I think that is a big issue that NEEDS to get worked out right NOW. I don't think it would be good for your children to grow up seeing their dad with a drink in his hand constantly. And Kylie will start remembering things permanently soon. I don't think you want that in her memory.

I'm so sorry he lied to you. That always hurts, I know. I've been lied to before, and hopefully never again. I hope you guys can work this out.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks Mollie.

He has also always said as soon as Kylie "understands" that he's drinking alcohol..not a soda that he would quit. How he determines when she "understands" I don't know.

I feel so awful because I know Kylie is going to grow up with that. But I keep thinking how great of a father he really is..I mean he really is an awesome father besides this drinking. I know that's not an excuse and is a huge issue..but do I take her away from him? I don't know.

I know that I've done everything I can do...there is nothing more I can do to convince him. Trust me I've tried everything for the last 10 years.

I'm so sorry about that karen, i can't imagine why he'd lie about that. It loks like you've got some pretty good advice though . . . I hope you work it out xx

You have a right to be angry! But I can relate to this, I never lie, I can't I always get caught! Anyway a few weeks ago, I was really struggling mentally and a friend called and left a message. A few hours later she called again and when I answered the phone I told her that I had been in the tub when she called. I had just started becoming friends with this person and I didn't want her to know that I was struggling, everytime I've told my friends that I was struggling they left me. I've lost many many friends because of my mental illness. While I was talking to my friend she asked if I wanted to go shopping and I told her yeah I just needed to wash my hair. She said "You didn't do that yet?" I was caught, as usual. I explained to her why I didn't tell her and she was okay with that. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes we lie to protect ourselves from getting hurt, in your DH's defense, I think that's probably what he was doing. Now I'm not defending the lie, lying is wrong! Is it possible that he didn't intend for Kylie to go downstairs without him? You said that you had helped her down the stairs, maybe he was getting his drink and then coming back to bring her downstairs. I'm not at all minimizing how you feel because those are you feelings and you have every right to feel what you are feeling. I hope you can work it out with your DH.

Karen, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from DH is constantly lying to me about his smoking. He comes home stinking of cigars and I tell him so, but he says it is because his car still smells like cigars from when he USED to smoke. Yeah, right. I used to think "oh, well maybe I was wrong" until I actually went outside and smelled smoke coming from behind the house when he was supposed to be taking out the garbage. It hurts me so much that he would lie to me.

And about the alcohol issue - we're right there, too. Same scenario exactly.

Oh Honey! I go thru the same things as you all the time. I feel like my husband is an alholic too. I was raised where drinking was awful and so was my husband. That lives him to be believe, if he can hold a job, handle the farm and other wise function normally that he can't have a drinking problem. But, I on the other hand see the changes before my eyes with every drink. He is like your husband, he is not a mean drunk, (not usually) but he just becomes a person I don't trust and I don't like.

This is a very sad subject and very close to my heart. But if he is lying to cover up his drinking, that is the first stages..... Sry hun.

And you may need to do some reading and get some support

((((((hug)))))

Karen I'm terribly sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry he lied and I'm sorry he isn't owning up to his addiction.

I also grew up with an alcoholic father and all three of my older brothers are alcoholics/drug addicts. My father quit drinking 'when we were old enough to know', but started back when my brothers left the house (I was still in high school at the time). I never knew my dad had a drinking problem until then and boy was it bad.

I've read a lot on yours and Ryan's family history. It would do him good to get some kind of counseling and maybe attend some AA meetings. I know he isn't physically abusive, but really he is emotionally abusive to you and Kylie if he can't be there for you and cannot be trusted.

I hope this works out soon. I am here for you anytime you need a shoulder. I understand.

I'm sorry he lied to you! I didn't read the other replies, so sorry if I'm repeating someone else..but it seems like the issue is much deeper than just the "face value" of the lie. It sounds like your anger has more to do with what he lied to you about, even though it may not seem like it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not dismissing the fact that he lied at all..he was wrong, but I guess I'm saying that, you probably have some built up anger over his drinking and of course the fact that now it's interfering with his parental supervision over Kylie..the lie was just the straw that broke the camels back or so it seems! Have you thought about counseling?
I know a lot of men are hesitant about that..but Rick and I went through a rough patch and we went to counseling and it brought us so much closer together in the end!
It was a way for us to effectively release things that had built up over time...issues we had with one another that maybe the other person didn't even know we had. It was a very product thing for our relationship. Not to mention, you have a mediator there who can keep things on the right track!

I know you may not feel this way, but you really are a lucky person to have a man like ur husband (from what I've read in this post). My hubby (husband) lies to me constantly. I have just come to accept it. I'm not happy about it, but it's life. I'm sorry that he lied to u b/c I know how deap the smallest lies wound.

However, w/ the alcoholism is a very difficult issue to conquor. I haven't been around many alcoholics (even though my grandfather is one, but he lives in Canada), but I've seen the distruction that they cause in families and in their own life. However, one thing I have learned that I still have a hard time accepting is that u can't change other ppl. You have to manipulate urself, things around you, and your own actions in order to "incourage" and or hlp the other person. I have found the best way is by going to personal counciling. I have alot of tormoil going on in my life, expecially when it comes to my husband. So, I go to personal counciling to help myself deal w/ the problems that are occuring on the homefront. I have noticed that by doing that I've become more tolerant of my hubby's actions, etc. This may be something you might want to look into if you are haveing problems with it. It is much worse to keep things bottled up inside.

I disagree with the above(no offense meant) but yes, you are correct, you cannot change other people..but that does not in any way mean you have to be tolerant of things that are wrong! You have to stand up for yourself and let the person know it's not acceptable behavior and then the choice is theirs..they can either work to improve themselves or they can choose not to..but in the end, the decision to continue dealing with it is to each of us. If you let people do things to you that you don't like, and you adjust your level of tolerance to just deal with it, then the person in question will never change..after all..what reason do they have to change if you're tolerant of their behavior!

God Karen, I'm sorry you have to deal with this issue, especially being pg.
As evidenced by all the thoughtful responses, it's obviously a common problem. My dad was a very similiar kind of alcoholic- high functioning, charming and lovely to all in our surrounding community (he was a high school guidance counselor/coach and there were so many kids at his recent funeral there was a line out the door). At home it was another story. He could plow through a half a gallon(!) of wine per night, and from the time we were old enough to pour, he had us mixing him cocktails. He'd start out silly, too silly, b/c we always knew what was coming next, something would set him off, and then there would be wild irrational anger, screaming, yada yada yada. It was a crazy way to grow up.
My mom was in your position, always trying to get him to realize he had a problem, always the one to keep the house running smoothly, always the one we knew we could trust. And he was forever lying and covering up, perpetually disappointing my mom with his self indulgent and immature "decisions". The older I got, the more I thought he was an out of control idiot.
Unfortunately, no amount of pleading, lecturing, cajoling, or threatening on your part will have a permanent impact on his behavior unless and until he alone realizes he has a problem. I know how hurtful it is to be in your position, Karen, you want to believe that he would give up anything (especially something as stupid and destructive as alcohol) for you and Kylie, b/c you would undoubtedly do the same for him. And you want your feelings to be acknowledged and taken seriously by your dh. It would probably help to understand what is so troubling to him that he needs to completely obliterate all conscious thought in order to calm down. I think AA or marriage counselling would be great, but again of little use if he's only doing it to get you off his back for awhile.
What I learned upon my dad's death was that all that anger I felt toward him while I was growing up should have been mitigated by the knowledge of all the pain he must have been trying to escape. No one sets out to hurt the ones they love most. Maybe in a calmer moment, give him the opportunity to really open up to you about his fears, concerns, demons from the past, instead of going on the offensive everytime he disappoints you. A very very difficult thing to do when you're so angry, I realize, but it's worth a try. Good luck, Karen, I know how hard this is, but fight for your marriage with everything you've got. We're always here for you.

Very well said. I know my father drinks b/c he is depressed (although really he hasn't had a drink in 10 years) but he suffers a great deal from depression. I would love to see him in counseling or to be able to talk to my mother. She has never been one that he could open up to and now they have no relationship to speak of. I wouldn't say to let him walk all over you, you don't need to be his doormat, but be his best friend and his shoulder. What a hard thing to go thru. I'm so sorry.

Jeanne you are so wise in your words.

Oh hon HUGS to you I am so sorry you are dealing with this. When I was growing up my mom had an alcohol problem when I was growing up. A lot of it was because even though my parents are friends now, they weren't good at being married to each other, they had two different personalities. At first when it started out she would be silly and that is it, my friends thought it was funny when she would drink becuase she would play with us and act all silly and make us laugh! Well after a while it got to be obnoxious, she would pass out on the couch and spill her beer everywhere, she would become angry, she would fall down through the house because she was so drunk and that was just downright embarrassing to me!!! I'm happy to say that my mom doesn't touch alcohol hardly anymore unless it's a special occassion such as her birthday and she is happy in her life now so alcohol no longer depresses her!!!! She realizes she had a problem and she fixed it!! When it boils down to it what is what an alcoholic has to do, and even then the road to recovery can be a bumpy one because some are so deep into it, it's like cigarettes, their body needs it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My uncle is a severe alcoholic (I'm talking 24 beers a day along with hard liquor) and he has attempted suicide 4 times now, the last time he did it he put himself in the ICU and his body literally had terrible withdrawals and they had to feed him alcohol through his IV!!!! Karen I know your husband isn't nowhere near this bad and my uncle is a worst case scenario but what I am saying is that it's a disease and nomatter what it takes a lot to stop it! I disagree with the post that says find a way to deal with it, because if you do that a part of you will still be livid with his drinking and it isn't fair to just deal with such a habit. Alcohol is dangerous, not only because of it's short term effects but also it's long term effects on your husband! I would also explain that his health is a concern to you as well!!!!! Bottom line is, the lie he told sounds like a cover-up for his drinking and it may or may not get worse! I agree with what everyone said about talking to him about why he feels it's necessary to drink, you can wind down by turning on some tunes and watching TV or by drinking a Pepsi or maybe a non-alcoholic drink!!!

Keep us posted and HUGS to you! I'm so sorry!

Boy's R' Us, u are probably right. I just know that when it comes to me and my hubby I have tried so... many things to try and help him. It just that he doesn't even want to help himself. So, I found that counciling was the best thing for me. *shrugs* But, I agree w/ u though.

Darryl lies to me all the time drives me crazy..I always nag him saying u cant have a relationship if its built on lies... Im sorry your upset...
I understand sorta darryl left me alone all the time with skyler well he went to drink it drove me to the point where i decided to move to my parents,,
sorry to get off topic.... I am sorry ur upset and if I was in your shoes I would have snapped!

This post has been edited by darrylswifeskylersmom on Nov 5 2004, 10:46 PM