3 Year Old Sleep Issues… HELP, Sleeping Problems

Hello Everyone!

We are in need of some serious help! I have two step children ages 1.5 and 3 and a baby on the way. We currently share custody of the kids with their mom and we get them on the weekends for now (we are currently fighting for full custody). Our 3 year old, Jr., has developed some out of control behaviors when it comes to sleeping and we are at our wits end!

At their mom's house the kids have very little to no structure or rules. They do not have their own rooms and they are allowed to sleep wherever they want with who ever they want. Our house is quite different. We have a semi relaxed parenting style in sense that we do not believe in physical discipline but we do have rules and structure that we make the kids follow. The kids have their own rooms each decorated with their own theme and toys allowing them to have their own comfortable space.

Jr. has a bedtime routine. Dad and I give him dinner, he has some play time with us since the 1.5 year old is already in bed, we change him for bed, tuck him in sometimes with a story, and put on his favorite CARS dvd. Jr. screams if we shut off the light or shut the door so we have had some (very little) success if we keep the light on and door open. We kiss him goodnight and give him his juice cup and we go about our daily routine or will watch tv close by so that he knows we are here. He will get out of bed and scream (sometimes with tears, sometimes not) every 3- 5 minutes. We have tried picking him up and putting him back to bed without talking to him so we don't feed into him wanting attention and thinking its funny, we have tried soothing him, we have tried ignoring him in hopes he will give up and go back to bed. The more we go in there and put him back to bed, the more he gets up and screams. When his behaviors are ignored (like last night) he finds disruptive things to do to get attention and we need to go in to his room. Last night he ran into the pantry opened and slammed silverware drawers and the dishwasher, went into the 1.5 year olds room took her sippy cup and covers out of the crib and turned on all of the lights to the point where she was terrified and crying, took off all of his clothes knowing that we would have to go back into his room and put a pull up on him, and in the past he has taken all of the drawers out of his bureau and stacked them all of these behaviors paired with screaming. He will do anything he can to get attention from us when it is bedtime. He figures the more he gets into the more we will go in there with him. All of this went on from 8:45-11pm.

The only way we can get him to sleep is if he sleeps with us or if dad lays with him in bed until he falls asleep, which is only a temporary fix because he will only sleep for a maximum of 2 hours before he will wake up and run screaming into our room. This is causing all kinds of issues. With dad having to sleep in his room the relationship is straining because we don't get to spend time together and its not helping the problem that he will not sleep in his own room in his own bed so we can get other things done and or get some sleep of our own. When Jr. sleeps in our bed neither of us get good sleep because he is everywhere and I am hanging off the bed and we are both waking up soar and exhausted. Not to mention I am 7 months pregnant, large, emotional, and exhausted. Frankly, I am scared of when the baby comes and is up all night we will have the baby crying and Jr. screaming and running around the house its just not a healthy environment.

The 1.5 year old has no sleeping issues at all we will turn on her music and laying down with juice and she is asleep all night, and she lives in the same conditions when they are at their mom's house.

HELP US!

Welcome and I am so sorry!
My first thought is that maybe the older child isn't sleepy enough for bed at his appointed bedtime. Maybe he needs less sleep than you think? Or maybe he needs to use up more energy during the day than he is using right now?
I also suggest looking into gates across his bedroom door. You don't want a child that young to be able to just run around the house at night by himself, you know?
I hope some of this helps somehow....

Thanks for the reply! I have been looking up all kinds of methods on line as well. I did come across the baby gate idea in one other place. Have you ever used one with your kids? I am afraid that he will climb up it…. He has already managed a way to get out of bed and move his night stand so he can stand on it and use it to shut off or turn on his light. Maybe stores sell a high baby gate to ensure they cant climb up it?

We have also considered the sleep schedule. It is so hard to maintain a routine or know what his sleep is during the week. His mom is very inconsistent and does not communicate at all whether it be food they eat, sleep, or even sickness and medication so we are on our own. My initial thought is that he is not sleeping well or getting enough sleep with his constant get up and run episodes. During the day he is exhausted and does the crying screaming and hard to console when you know he needs a nap. I read online that children who nap during the day tend to sleep better at night. What are your thoughts? The only way we can get him to sleep or nap is in the car. If we drive around. And once we take him out of his seat and carry him to his bed he wakes up!

Ok, so I am not relaxed about structure or sleep at all.

A 3 year old needs 12 hours sleep per night......does he nap at all?

Maybe time for tough love. Put him to bed at 7 or 8 at the latest, say good night, i loveyou, see you in the morning, shut the door and lock it so he can't be destructive. He will cry and scream and protest, let him......3-5 nights everything will be better. Leave him for the 12 hours. He will catch on if you are consistent.

Thanks! The problem is we don't have a lock on the door. We put the child safety nobs on the door and he figured it out. I looked up on Walmart and they have pretty high baby gates that may work, we are going to try that.

I also forgot to say in the post that if we do let him just cry it out sometimes he will make himself gag and throw up too. Then we have to go in, clean him up, change him, and he gets the attention he wants...

But the baby gate is our best option at the moment i am guessing...

Does anyone else have any similar problems/ suggestions/ solutions.

Thanks for all of your help so far ladies!

moped I am sorry I didn't answer your question. The only time he naps with us is when we are driving in the car and he falls asleep. If we try to lay him down in his room for a nap we get the same crying, gagging, stripping, and running issues like at night...

I won't get really into it, but it just sounds like he needs to know who is the boss - and that is you! I would look into a new door knob with a lock for cheap. If he throws up, get in and clean it up without speaking a word. I know its harsh, but it will only get worse in my opinion

How many hours does he currently get per night?

How long has he been in a blended family? I guess what I'm asking is how long has his parents not been together/divorced and you've been in the picture? I think issues that might be relating to that should not be overlooked as well.

My oldest did not sleep alone or through the night until 3.5. She's now 8.5 and is perfectly fine sleeping alone and we have no bedtime issues at all with her. So it doesn't always last forever Have you ever really sat down and talked to him about why he doesn't want to sleep alone? IMO as long as he is willing to sleep however he wants at one home, he's going to have issues NOT doing that in another. You can't have it two different ways, especially with a 3 year old that can't possibly understand the entire situation to begin with. I think the gate is an excellent suggestion and there are tall ones because I use one for my big St. Bernard/Lab mix. If he tries to climb over the gate, I would think with his bedtime, you'd still be awake to see the situation, so I think it's a good try at least. Jenn already knows this, but I'm not a fan of locking a child in their room, and I would definitely not do that in your situation, especially not knowing how long he's had to adjust to this blended family situation.

This post has been edited by coasterqueen on Apr 11 2011, 12:24 PM

True Karen, I thought of asking about the family after I clicked post....but yes you are correct, if he is acting out because of that then that is a different story!

The only reason I say lock it is because you stated that he will be destructive.......for attention.

I was thinking the same thing as Karen, maybe he is acting out for some reason... either the recent changes in his family structure or maybe he is unsure of the new baby's arrival. I am sure you do, but I would make an extra effort to spend special one on one time with him every day... it might be especially important for Dad to do that. Maybe talk about the baby and how important it will be for him to be a big brother. Maybe even talk to him about he may have to help teach the baby to sleep like a big boy when he gets older (might motivate him to do so himself).

My daughter stopped taking naps by the age of 3, but I still required her to have "quiet time" for an hour every afternoon. While she never slept, she still needed that quiet time every afternoon. Even if he doesn't sleep, I would still try to enforce a quiet time.

I am not a fan of CIO or locking the room either. I never did CIO with my daughter, I rocked her to sleep every night from the day she was born until she was about two and she decided she was a big girl and wanted to go to sleep on her own. I had a hard time believing that a baby would cry to be manipulative and that if the baby was crying, then there was a reason even if it is that she just needed to be loved and comforted. However, since he is three, kids this age can "test" you and are trying to learn their boundaries. I would definitely invest in a gate and I would remove everything from his room that he could get hurt on or use to be destructive. If he gets up, I'd wait a few minutes to see if he settles on his own, and then put him back to bed. Give hime hugs and kisses and leave. Consistency is the key no matter what you try. I would do the same thing for several weeks before deciding that it is not going to work. Since the Mom is not willing to work with you, it will only make things worse. But, from what I have seen from kids that are from blended families, they do learn that different houses have different rules, just like there are different rules at school, church, etc.

Have you tried positive reinforcement? Maybe have him pick out a toy that he really wants, make a chart and set a goal (start smaller at first) and if he gets the desired amount of stickers then he earns the toy.

Hope you find something that works for you. And, hang in there... no matter what is going on, I try to remind myself that this just a phase and I will get past this.

Hello everyone!

Thank you SO MUCH for all of the feedback and encouragement! I am sorry I haven't replied sooner I came down with some nasty virus the past week! But I am feeling much better now.

I am sure that this whole putting up a fight thing at our house has to do with being confused. He doesn't get any structure at moms, they have no rules, get to do what they want and then he comes here and its structure, and rules, and scheduling. I am sure for a 3 year old the 180 must be frustrating because he doesn't quite get why he gets away with things at his moms and can sleep with whomever he wants, whenever he wants where ever he wants and not here.

Another problem with Jr. is that he doesn't talk all that well so it is hard to sit him down and ask him whats is going on or about his feelings. At his mom's house they tend to have a hands off of parenting method where the kids get what they want themselves and are only tended to when they cry and moan. (I know, it really is sad/ ridiculous that is why we are trying to get full custody of them) Jr. should be in some kind of preschool setting to encourage his speech, appropriate play with other children, and his learning. We can sit him down and ask him why he is scared or why he doesn't want to sleep in his room and he will mimic what we say or say no or knock it off. He really is an incredibly smart little man ( could probably work any electronic you put infront of him way better than I can ), after spending the weekend with us, his language starts to come out a little bit more independently, we don't have as much protesting because his schedule is very predictable, and he just seams happier and with more energy.. but then its time to go back to mommy's and its like starting at step 0 all over again ( so frustrating)

Anyway, I could go on and on but back to the subject at hand…

His parents haven't been together for most of Jr.'s life… I would say a little over a year and a half. So mommy's house and rules being separate from daddy's house and rules is all he really knows. So no, its not a new thing.

I dont know if Jr. knows the baby is coming. We have talked to them about the baby and he will feel my belly and when you ask him where the baby is he will lift up my shirt and say hello, hello. So I think he has some idea, but I don't think he quite gets it. I am not sure that he necessarily will until the baby comes.

It is funny that you talked about positive reinforcement… I work with children who have severe special needs and positive reinforcement is what we do all day long. Jr. LOVES chocolate. I am going to try to work in earning stickers so in the morning we can get chocolate for sleeping in our bed this weekend…

Ok, so we get the kids back tomorrow and it is time to gear up and test out all these new ideas… here is a run down…

1. Dad and I are going to pick up a high baby gate for Jr.s room.
2. We are going to buy some stickers so Jr. can earn stars for chocolate/ make a big deal about staying in his bed.
3. Continue with our typical bedtime routine. If he trows up go in, clean it up, and not say anything just put him back to bed.

Alright, I am gearing up.. any last minute suggestions I should add to the list.. I will be sure to post each night letting you all know about our progress! THANK YOU

Sounds great!!!!

One last thing: CONSISTENCY IS KEY

Jen (moped) and I use the same methods successfully so I just want to 2nd all that she has said. It will NOT be easy, even if you had him for a week straight it wouldn't be easy, but being that you only have him on the weekends it'll be even harder....BUT if you truly want to see positive results you MUST follow through and be strong. Trust me when I say it WILL pay off in the end.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Regarding sleeping advice. Child is very sensitive to mother's mood. if she feels that you WANT her to sleep but NOT going to sleep yourself - she will struggle against. I use my pzizz pnone app (alternative to classical music) in such situation. We fall asleep together, as a rule.

This is a common problem with all the babies and becomes really troublesome for parents, but I think they have their own time table of sleeping as when you feel they should sleep in spite of making all efforts they just don't sleep and when they are least expected to sleep they will just go on to a sleep.

Interesting read here. I think that one factor is that you may have a good bed for your kid. It would definitely help out in the long run. But in the end, I have read a lot of useful information here. Thanks for this one!

I don't know I'm not an expert, yet but maybe to try with some light activities!?

After that he will feel maybe little tired, and will have a much better sleep...