I still think of you, Catherine

[Mia33]

My Catherine was one of the most colorful people to have come into my life. Me and DH were unable to conceive a child of our own so we decided to adopt and help a child in need at the same time. It was the best thing I have ever done in my life. Catherine was just 10 months old when she came into our lives and changed them forever. I enjoyed raising her as our own and watching her grow up. She was such a free spirit, a good sense of humor and was a joy to everyone. She was popular in school and had dreams of becoming a veterinarian. She loved Rocky Horror Picture Show (it was new then), Atari, swimming and playing on her slip n’ slide. She was also very good at piano and the violin. But around age 13 things started to change. She seemed to lose her “spark” for reasons we still don’t know. She was once a social butterfly but soon started to hang around the house more instead of being with friends. Catherine also become rather moody at times and even took up smoking (something we didn’t find out till later). She slowly became more and more withdrawn and seemed to adopt the lifestyle of a hermit. Her grades eventually dropped and she lost all motivation in everything. DH and I thought about getting her help but thought this was just a teenage phase that would soon pass. Being young parents at the time, I guess we were in denial and hoped that things would make themselves better. She did have her “happy” moments but even they were becoming rarer. But a few months later, we would find out how wrong we were. Around June ‘79, a strange change came over Catherine – she was happy. It seemed to happen almost overnight. She was almost like she used to be, so easy going and free spirited – she was a complete turnaround from what she has been for months. We welcomed this change in her but didn’t question the reason for it. We were just happy she seemed over her deep depression. All seemed almost back to normal for about two weeks until DH and I had our anniversary on July 5th. We decided to spend that night in Vegas and come back the next night. It seemed nice to get away for awhile and take a mini vacation. We packed up and told Catherine goodbye leaving her alone until we returned the next day. Little did we know that that was the last time we would see her alive. From what we can put together, sometime later that night she took the car (she was barely learning how to drive) and parked it at a nearby neighborhood where she took a lethal combination of prescription drugs. How she got the drugs we still don’t know. But the best guess is from somewhere on the street. We did learn that one of the drugs was very easy to obtain at the time and that almost anyone could get it at a pharmacy. Since then this drug has been pulled off the shelves because it was so commonly used for suicides. We got home from our mini vacation to an empty house and a missing car. I was so angry at her for taking the car. She didn’t even have a license yet. Being it was already late when we got back we called all her friends to ask if they had seen her. With no luck there, we were just about to go out looking for her when the doorbell rang. When I first saw the police at my door my first thought was Catherine. Maybe she got caught driving without a license. But it was worse then I could ever imagine. The cops told us the news. They got a call about a suspicious vehicle parked in neighborhood about three miles away. My heart stopped when she told us our daughter was found in the backseat not breathing with a note in her pocket telling the cops where we could be contacted at and basically saying this was the best choice she ever made and not to blame ourselves. She also mentioned her wish for her body to be donated to science. We never in a million years thought she was even capable of doing something like this. We knew she had problems but nothing that could result in this manner. I kick myself everyday for not getting her help. Even now after all these years. It seemed worse the second time we had to deal with this in ‘81 when we got her ashes back from the state university. It felt like she died all over again. I never thought I would ever have children in my house again after that. I seemed to always avoid them after Catherine passed. I was proved wrong again years later when I decided to take in my sisters two kids. Having them in my life brought back hope into my life and has made me a better person. It’s hard to believe you can still move on it life even after losing a child. I can’t believe it’s been 30 years since Catherine passed, it feels like it was just the other day.

Sleep well Catherine.
Hopefully Heaven exists, so I can see you once again!

[Cherie]

Thanks for sharing... that must have just been awful! I'm happy to hear you've opened your heart to more children. You are an inspiration.

[akaishuu]

Thank you!