Young teen having sex, I'm a scared mommie!

I've been looking on line for a good parenting forum this morning and was surprised to find so many that were full of porn ads.....

Congrats on having such a nice place!

I am looking for some advice from other parents who can look at my situation objectively and be honest with me about their opinions.

My daughter is 14 and has been "going out" with a boy (16) for about 2 months. She has had "boyfriends" on and off but never for more than a few weeks. I knew this one was different almost immediately because of changes i noticed in her. They weren't all bad but it seemed like maybe her first relationship that really involved emotions.

We've been really nice to the boy, allowed them to see a movie if other friends went as well, took them to the mall, invited him over etc. We have never allowed her to just run around unsupervised.

I just recently found out that they have had sex. I'm not quite sure when or where because we simply don't give them much of a chance to be alone!

I'm upset, disappointed, angry, confused, sad and worried.

I don't know what to do next. We have always discussed sex very openly and I felt pretty safe that she knew what she needed to know to make the decision when it came about...

Do I limit their time together?
Do I keep them from seeing them at all?
Do I punish?
Do I call his parents so they know as well?
Do I check into birth control?

Obviously we will be having a talk. I have just been trying to keep myself together and decide what to say/do before I confront this...

Any help would be greatly appreciated

First of all, welcome to our little community. I feel for you- I have a 13 yr old boy, and although he's not at the serious relationship stage yet, it is happening all around him, and adolescence in general is a total mine field for parents and kids alike.
I guess first and foremost I would check into birth control, and make sure your dd is well versed in the fine details of good sexual health. As a mom, I would feel pretty sad that my dd went down that road at such a young age- what's left after that? I guess I would want to explore why she made that decision, and try to do so with an open mind and heart, so that she doesn't feel cornered. Was she trying to please her bf, was it really her decision, did he "pressure" her, either directly or subtlely? Did she think he would leave her if she didn't "do" it? Or did she think it was ok b/c she believed she was in love with him?
I'm sure most of us felt we were "in love" for the first time at that age. Or at the very least- that whatever relationship we were in at the time was of paramount importance. Somehow we need to impart to our kids that it's ok to have the feelings, but to truly think through the ramifications of acting on them. Is he so incredibly special or irreplacable that you're willing to risk your future, your health, your very life, just to please him?
I really feel for kids in this age of MTV and over-sexualization of just about everything. Kids are bombarded with the message that sex is happening all around them, and if they want to be part of the action, they better hop on board asap. It's sad, and scary, and there're no easy answers. Sex is obviously a gift and a blessing, but it is also a curse, and when I was coming of age, there wasn't HIV or AIDS to contend with, on top of everything else. How can we expect kids to become such exquisite judges of character at such a fragile stage of their own emotional development?
It doesn't sound like you could have prevented it from happening, in a logistical sense. If she was determined to make it happen, she would have found a way. We can't keep our kids under lock and key. That's why it's more important to get to the heart of what she was thinking. We need to arm our kids with good decision making skills, so that when we're NOT there, they will make good choices for themselves. Much easier said than done, I know. If you figure it out, let me know.
I guess I don't have any real answers for you, unfortunately. I can only offer you my support as a fellow mom. Feel free to commiserate any time you need to.

I would probably discuss birth control first, because IMO, limiting their time together will probably only push them closer. Talking to your daughter about BC may seem "cool" in her eyes and make her feel your willing to be open to her feelings. Hopefully in return this will help her to open up to you. You never know that the responsibility of birth control may be too much pressure in itself and help her decide sex isn't really for her. Not that the scare factor is necessarily the best way, but maybe a trip to Planned Parenthood is just the trick to show her what's all involved when you decide to be sexually active. Good luck.

Welcome to the board. You've come to a great place to find support.

It's hard to give any advice after reading the two prior posts. They gave such great advice.

I'm a young Mom, I"m 23 years old. Maybe I can give you a different view point.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 15, and that was in a group setting. But at 16, when I could date, I ran wild. I grew up in a home where my Dad was an alcholic, and had numerous affairs on my Mom. My older sister got pregnant at 17 yrs old. For me, that was a huge eye opener, to see what my sister had to go through. She lived in our home with a new born, and I saw first hand the price she had to pay. So my solution was to do everything but intercourse. So I would have fore play with guys, but not sex. But that all changed when I met my DH (dear husband) at 16, we had sex the first night we met. He was a virgin.
That night scared me enough to go get on birth control. Luckily, we ended up getting married. But at that age, even with everything I saw my sister go through, I still didn't understand that I was playing with fire. I thougth that if I wanted a guy to like me, I had to put out. All my friends were, and I didn't think anyone would love me if I didn't have sex with them. I wish my mother would've told me that my virgintiy is special, and that if a man really loved me and respected me, he wouldn't force me to do anything with him. I thought "love and sex" went hand in hand.

When my Mom found out I was having sex, she went crazy, and tried to keep me from my DH. All that did was cause me to rebel even more, and I ended up moving out and living with my Dad....who of course, allowed me to do whatever I wanted. No one sat down and had a talk with me about STD's, birth control, love, respect. Instead I was punished for doing something I thought I had to do to keep a boyfriend.

I understand how upsetting this must be for you. She is so young, and doesn't understand love or the consequences of sex. I would have a "heart ot heart" talk with her. Something I wish my Mom would've had with me. Try to see why she feels she needs to have sex at such a young age, ask her about her relationship with him, and try to listen. If she feels threatened she won't open up and talk to you. This is a cruical time in your relationship with her. If she knows that you love her no matter what, that you are there for her when she needs to talk, then she will talk. The more you talk, the better the chances are that she will make better decisions and be better informed about sex.

If she feels like she can't talk to you, then she will talk to her friends. And you know, as I do, that her friends won't help her. She needs her mother, someone she can look up to, and confide in.

Ann

This post has been edited by CAMSMOM1 on Jan 7 2006, 12:22 AM

I had sex for the first time when I was 13. WAY too young. But its happening at that age ALOT now days. I too always dated older boys. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but there isn't much you can do but suggest she go on birth control. If you try to limit their time together it will only make her mad and she will feel that you are punishing her for just doing what is normal for her age. (starting to date) 14 dating a 16 yr. old is totally normal! Thats not a big age difference and girls usually date a boy a year or two older than them because guys their age are too immature and guys usually date girls a year or two younger. I suggest she go on Depo-Provera if she does go on birth control. Remembering to take the pill everyday is a little risky. With Depo its in your system and you have no choice. Its just there for 3 months. She is going to have sex again. I dont think you can have a talk with her and make her decide to never have sex again. The ball is rolling on that already.

I would just talk to her about it. State that you are concerned about pregnancy and STD's etc. Let her know you dont approve but you WILL take her to get birth control. Also, let her know thats not a decision you are going to let her make herself. She IS going on borth control.

I hope you talk goes well with her!

PS. Dont bother calling his parents. They most likely wont care. Its not their daughter, therefor not their problem. They have a 16 year old son, and im sure it would be no suprise that he is having sex.

ditto 100% to Tegansmom. I started at 13 too. I agree that talking to his parents wouln't accomplish much. (one of my ex's dads congradualted him actualy.)

. TeagansMom609 Posted on Jan 7 2006, 08:30 AM

I agree with what you wrote in your post. But I do think that having a talk with her could help things. It probably won't stop her from having sex, but at least she can understand what she is getting herself into. At that young of an age, you don't understand the consequences to your actions. And you don't know that there is an alternative. Like we all said, most girls these days have sex. To them, they think you HAVE to have sex with your boyfriend. They don't understand what true love means, or getting respect from men. There is a lot of peer pressure, and they are talking to the wrong people about sex. I know that when we were young, we didn't think we could talk to our Mom's about this. If she came to her in a non-threating way, she may be able to get through to her. And at least give her the correct information about sex.

But I would put her on birth control. The last thing you want is for your child to have a baby. Depo shot is a good suggesstion. You don't have to take a pill everyday, and it's 99.9 % effective.

ITA with what everyone has already said. Limiting her seeing this boy won't make things change. If anything she will probably start skipping school to see him, which will just make things worse. The minute you say No to her, is the minute you will release any communication with her. Here's a couple great links you might want to check out.

http://www.kidshealth.org/

http://www.sexualityandyou.ca/eng/ (Canadian site, but great information)

This one is specially for teens, even shows you how to put on a condom properly. Might not be something you want to think about, but at least you know she'll be safer.

http://www.teenwire.com/

Thank you all for your suggestions, comments and support. I doubt that I need to tell you how much it means to me to have a little feedback from "outside the box." But it is priceless!

Here is what I am doing...

I have not forbidden her from seeing the boy although she has not yet asked to see him. He has called a few times and I've answered the phone and handed it over gracefully

I have made her an appointment at the health department. They have a clinic specifically for teens. I hadn't even thought about depo! I'm so glad you all mentioned it! I was trying to think how I would help make sure she took the pill everday. Great idea! They will also discuss again the risks of pregnancy, STDs etc.

We had a long talk last night but unfortunately I do not think it was beneficial. Time will tell. I came into the conversation with an open mind and heart although she was very concerned about trying to get it over with so she could go to the mall...

I will be making sure we have time to talk about these important things much more regularly now!

I appreciate the posts where you shared your own teen experiences! I remember all too well!

Thank you for your openness and your willingness to share with a stranger

I would get her on bc. My friend was 16 when she had her daughter and all because her mom refused to put her on bc. Also limit their time, like maybe having him come over for dinner and a movie instead of being alone....or going on group dates to the mall with friends.

hi .. i hope i'm not too late in helping out or offering my opinion.. i was 15 when i lost my virginity and although i love my mom dearly and understand her reaction it really ruined our relationship for years.. sooo. here are my two cents.. and i hope they help out.



TALK to her. tell her that this was a very grown up choice that you personally do not feel that she was ready for BUT that since she made that choice you need to make sure that she understands what it means. make HER talk to the dr about birthcontrol (it's embarassing enough..) make HER buy a box of condoms herself if she wants to continue sleeping with him.. let her know that if she IS grown up enough to "do the deed" then she is grown up enough to make these purchases herself. let her know that yes you are disappointed in her but you LOVE her dearly and you don't want anything bad to happen to her.. also warn her that even tho she may feel in love that everything happens for a reason. because i have rarely seen a 16 yr old boy stay with a girl that young once he's gotten her to do what they have done... don't say that they will break up ... but be there for her when they do... please.. let her know you love her.. and that you will deal with this decision to the best of your ability but it did shock you.. as for your questions..

Do I limit their time together? not anymore than what you are already doing.
Do I keep them from seeing them at all? NOOOOOOOO.. she will just resort to sneaking out and lying.. (i did)
Do I punish?NOOOOOOOOO the damage is done.. HELP her understand the grown up decision she has made.
Do I call his parents so they know as well? chances are she's not his first so no.
Do I check into birth control? definantly.


also HOW did you find out? and what was your immediate reaction?

Great ideas CosmetologyMommy I was thinking along those lines. They were suppose to go to the movies yesterday. I was thinking of taking them to lunch etc and just being present but still letting them see each other. I don't want to keep them apart because I know that will only make them want to see each other more. Thanks

PhiMuMommy:

I discovered the fact after finding a note on the laundry room floor. I don't generally make a habit of reading her things and honestly my first reaction was that I wished I hadn't read it! But, I know that it's better this way. She was at a friends house spending the night when I found the note so I had some time to think before I saw her. I was very upset but not in a mad sort of way more in a scared and heart broken kind of way.

I have talked to her several times about how I feel that this is a very important step and although nobody can make the decision for her I think it should be a well thought out decision and not a hasty one. Plus the fact that it comes with responsibilities. Birth control being one but also prevention of STDs and emotional safety. The last thing I want is for her to take a huge emotional blow from it after everything else.

I did make her an appointment in the "teen clinic" at our health department. She didn't seem to like that idea much but is resigned to it.

Thanks so much for your thoughts

Hey - i hope i'm not too late - although i didn't put out for a boyfriend to keep him.... i was forbidden to date until i was 16. That doesn't meanI didn't have boyfriends... I became very good at forging my mother's handwritting to be able to skip school - and i was a good student.

It doesn't take very long to have sex... quickies can last as quick as 2-3 minutes... and you don't even need to take your clothes off, just have easy access.

Talk to her objectively - put her on the right path. Put her on birth control. Do you prefer to have a bad relationship with your daughter, with a risk of rebelliong against your wisdhes followed by teen pregancy? or a better relationship with your protected daughter?

I would way rather my daughter on bc than pregnant and me supporting her, kwim?

Welcome to the board!!! I'm going to give you the point of view of a father of three teens and a 21 year old... two boys and two girls.

I agree with much, though not all of the other advice I've seen, so here's my Fourteen is way too young for a girl to be having sex. Period. Whenever I speak with other parents about similar problems I almost always see evidence of self-esteem problems. Oddly enough I've found that's true in both adolescent males as well as females. I had sex for the first time when both my mate and I were 16. It was a mistake then, and the dangers of it haven't changed today. I guess having sex at the time made me feel "like a big man." I've since learned that was all nonsense, but I couldn't talk openly with my father about adolescent emotions.

We spoke with all of our kids about sex starting at about 12, increasing the detail as they got older and asked more questions. We also told them how important it was that members of the opposite sex be treated with respect, and that getting to know who they are and what their likes and dislikes were was much more important than sexual intimacy. It seems, so far, that they've all taken that advice. We've also told them that we were always prepared to discuss anything they wanted to regarding relationships and such. Both of our sons had intercourse for the first time when they were 18. One has just ended a serious relationship (the 21 year old) and the other (19) is currently involved with a very nice girl. All of our kids, save our youngest, have been in serious relationships. Erin insists she simply isn't interested in the complexity of sexual relationships right now and a former boyfriend has a crooked nose to prove she wasn't kidding when she said, "No!"

I disagree that the boyfriend's parents wouldn't care. I cared greatly, even as adults, that my boys were sexually active and I spoke with them at length about the responsibilities and dangers of such a relationship (even though they are technically adults). I agree that our kids are so inundated with sex today that it holds little special meaning to some, but we raised our kids to think differently. As young parents we understood the mistakes we made and tried to portray those honestly instead of covering up our "sins" of youth. We think it's helped.

I'm certain that if I found out my 16 or 13 year old daughter was sexually active, I would NOT be calm and laid back. I'd be very upset that they felt they had to give up childhood so young. I'd need to know why. Finally, the relationship with the boy would be over. I have spoken to all of my kids' dates and explained the importance of piety and good moral judgement, and they all agreed that teen sex doesn't fit them into those character traits. Since violating that pact would be dishonest, they know that I would not be willing to allow the relationship to continue. That sounds cold and ultra-conservative, but understand that my second son travelled all over the east coast in high school on Co-Ed buses where high-jinx abounded, and he never had intercourse. He did all of the other things that boys and girls do on dates, but he always respected the girls' piety.

It is my opinion that teens don't need the stress of sexual intercourse. Nothing I've read or seen, including personal experience, in the past 43 years have changed that opinion.

ZEN Mommy:

I would definitely rather her be on birth control! Absolutely!

You raise some valid points. Thank you so much for your input

redchief:

Thank you so much for your openness on this subject! I agree with your feelings 100%! I think it should not be happening period but how do you insure it doesn't happen?

She goes skating, goes to the movies, hangs out with friends from time to time. I am afraid if I forbid her to see him she will find other ways and maybe be so busy thinking of how to get around me that she wouldn't think of protecting herself.

I think I said earlier. If not I'll say it now that I worry about her emotions in this. I do believe she has self esteem problems. This will be my next project. Building her self esteem with or without boys!

you hit it right on the head there.

Good luck.

I could never ensure that any of my kids didn't stray without actually following them everywhere. My assurances are based on the trust I have in my kids, and their own self-worth. I'm also not going to say that none of them would ever have intercourse as a teen, though the only ones left at this point are the girls. I am saying that I trust in their judgement because we worked hard to instill value and self-worth in them, and that they have both said that they aren't interested in that kind of relationship.

I insist on meeting any boyfriends prior to dates and I speak with them about values and morals. If I'm not satisfied with the reactions I get from potential dates, I have no problem with forbidding the date. So far, my neither my dating daughter, nor her choices for dates, have given me pause, with one exception, and Erin took care of that herself.

There isn't any magic celibacy potion; and I think I'm really lucky to have daughters that don't feel the need to be sexually active. I hope it stays that way for a long time.

I guess I'm just old school, my opinion is the minority on this one.
I have twin girls who are almost 13 too, so I think that has partial
reasoning in my opinion being what it is.
Hands down - I would put an immediate stop to it. First stop would
be to contact the boys parents and let them know. Second stop
would be a HUGE talk with my daughter - outlining all the dangers
and reasons why they are too young. I'd also make sure I got
my daughter into talk to someone professional about all this..
chances are there are other things going on that led to this other
than the obvious. I'd also restrict them from 'dating' - they are
to young for this anyway you look at it. My daughters are not
allowed to go on a date or be 'going out' with anyone until
they are 16 and then they will start on group dates. They've known
this for a few years now and have just accepted it. I'd talk to the
school and make sure they knew there was a 'situation' (no details
needed) and you would rather your daughter not have dealings
with this boy. It's doing all you can do to nip this in the bud now.
Sure.. you can't be 100% sure that it will do it... it depends on
where your daughters head is at... that's why I suggest she get
in to talk to someone as well. I would in no way condone this
situation simply because you feel helpless or think it wont do
any good. You may have to start her on birth control just to be
safe - but if it was my girls, I'd start with the above and keep
a close eye on where things are.. if it looked like she was
going to rebel about it, I'd have no choice. Fortunately, it can
stop em from getting pregnant, but unfortunately can't stop
her from getting many other horrible things.

Thank you for your posts MichaelsMommy and redchief

I've been taking some time to really take a hard look at my parenting. I always thought we were on the strict side especially when you compare our parenting style to those of most of her friends. Comparing probably isn't too healthy for any of us. I do know what my values and morals are and trying to balance them with what "everyone else is doing" has become an impossible task.

A lot has happened since my original post that I will post about in detail just for your knowledge of the situation. Looking back I guess my decisions on this issue were poor from the beginning. That is hard for me to deal with but I'm doing my best. I know we all think we've made mistakes and that is life.

Thanks again for all of your openness and support!

I really hope you were not offended by my opinion. It is a tough situation
anyway you look at it. It's obvious you are only trying to do what is best -
figuring out how to finesse that is the hard part. I'm very interested in
how you addressed it. Truth of the matter is, even as strict as I am on
this subject with my girls - I could be in your shoes at any time.

Hope I'm not too late on this one...

I have to stand a middle ground in between the "putting a stop to it altogether" and the "give her birth control and the 'talk' and let her go" groups. I think that 14 is quite young to date, but understandably a girl that age feels she needs her freedom. I would set very strict rules about where she can/can't go (I'd say she always has to be in a public place with friends). If she "breaks up" with this guy, I'd quickly lay down the law that she can only "go out" with boys her own age... at least until she's 18!

On the other hand, I am inclined to say that unfortunately, the cliche "kids will be kids" has always held strong in this area and if there's a chance she'll be sexually active, then she needs to be prepared. I think that getting her on birth control may be a good idea (NOT Depo Provera ~ See below) but remind her strongly that birth control can NOT and does NOT protect against Sexually Transmitted Diseases... and that she REALLY needs to make sure she's protecting herself there too.

~ Depo Provera has some very serious risks and side effects including but not limited to temporary and even permanent infertility (I know of 3 women myself who haven't been able to conceive, naturally or at all, after being on those shots for a few years). I would DEF. look into that drug before I would put a 14 year old on it. Also... as far as remembering to take pills goes. In my opinion, if you're old enough to have sex, then your old enough to remember to take a pill each morning... even if you have to write it on your hand!~

But anyway... Good Luck... tough situation
~Rachel~

And some would say, If your old enough to have sex, your old enough to be a parent. So I wouldnt take a chance and I would put her on something she cant forget to take. That makes the most sense to me! But thats just my opinion.

P.S. I dont know of anyone, nor ever heard on anyone not able to conceive ever because they were on Depo before. Sometimes people have a hard time conceiving for a year or so after, but I dont think it makes them infertile for the rest of their lives. I know I was on it for years and that was never a side effect that Ive ever heard of. I think thats more common with copper IUD's.

Technically speaking, if you have your period you are physically old enough to have a child/be a parent. But my honest opinion is that we can't compare raising a child to remembering to take a pill.

Please don't think I'm saying that no one should use the shot, or that it's not a good choice ever, for anyone... but for the women it affects, it affects them horribly.
I don't personally know any women at this point who were unable to "ever" conceive simply because those friends each of whom I know from infertility sites, each of whom were on the shot for more than 3 years, are still trying... one was able to conceive with help from invetro, but had many complications with pregnancy and birth. One has been trying for almost 5 years and had 4 misscarriages and the third has been trying for a little over 1 year. There are several others who've been trying for several months and are a little frustrated thinking it was the shot. No one really knows if it was or not, but it's one of the written possible side effects of the medication and it sucks to be in that position.
The point is, that for a very young 14 year old you really have to weigh the choices you make regarding birth control. Considering you're hoping she won't have a child for what, at least another 8-10 years, probably longer, that's a LONG time to be on birth control and the longer you're on the shots, the pill, any form of birth control, the more extreme the side effects can be.

Here is one website that I have visited time and time again that has some 300+ messages from women who've been on the shot and have suffered since from infertility, osteoperosis, and other problems associated with the drug. Trust me, there's a personal reason for this that's too painful to get into, but please, if you're considering it, at least look into it first. http://www.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/healthcommunity/80235

I still say no matter what you go with... stress, stress, and STRESS some more just how important it is that your daughter use other means of protection as well.

This post has been edited by Kentuckychick on Jan 11 2006, 07:16 PM

MichaelsMommy:

No, I was not offended at all! I greatly appreciate everyones opinions. What I wrote had more to do with how I was feeling about myself at the time. I've spoken to the boys guardians and their time together is being limited as much as possible. I was in a "blame me" mood the day I posted.


Kentuckychick and TeagansMom609:

I will definitely do my research before I do anything as far as birth control goes. Thank you for your posts!