having problems with the kids dad..., ...he's an idiot!

We have joint custody, 1 week on 1 week off. We do the changeover on Fridays after school... he drops them off on Friday morning, I pick them up Friday afternoon... and have them all week until I drop them off at school Friday morning and he picks them up from school Friday afternoon.

The kids' homework for the week is only half done... They get the work for the week on Mondays, and the kids have all week to do it. This is done that way for all the kids in extra curricular activities... which is great.

I had to speak to the school's daycare to ask them to try and get the kids to do their homework during the after school care, because their dad doesn't make them do it.. and they have been doing it recently.

Paperwork from the school intended for parents doesn't get looked at, or signed, or anything.. so I've taken to writing in the kids' agendas who has custody that week. I've spoken to the teachers, who are now waiting to send documents home when I have custody.

Their lunches aren't all that great... they're "ok", but more often than not the kids are given an additional snack at school during his week, because he doesn't pack enough. He always gives them a bologna sandwich, a granola bar, an apple, and a yogurt, along with a juice box. That's not enough for 7:30am - 5:30pm... I generally send them with a sandwich (different each day), granola bar, varied cut up fruit, cut veggies, yogurt, applesauce, muffin and a baggie of seasoned and baked Shreddies or crackers and a container full of milk. They still come home hungry!

I've left a couple packs of those crackers and cheese snacks, and applesauce containers at the school's "daycare" for them to give the kids in the event their dad didn't pack their food appropriately, which they appreciated.

I've tried to explain these things to their father, and how it makes him look like an idiot. He says it doesn't...and says he provides for them just fine.

I'm not knocking his providor-ness (or whatever you'd call it) but when my kids tell me that they like coming over to my house better because we play with them, read with them, take them to museums, parks, toss a football around, give them better food..and because we're not on the computer all night and actually talk with them... it sucks. He thinks he's all that, perfect dad, kids don't complain, they have it good... but they think he sucks!

How can I get it across to him that being a good dad isn't just making sure they have KD, hotdogs, pizza or McDonalds a couple times a week and making sure they take a shower or a bath every few days?

They need to be reminded every time they come to my place about table manners, about cleaning themselves properly (as opposed to just standing under running water), brushing their teeth, doing their chores properly etc etc etc...

Does anyone have any suggestions, other than just writing him off completely, as to how I can make sure that the kids are getting the most from their dad without sounding like some snippy controlling drama queen? It's beginning to cause some pretty intense conversations between me and the kids' step-dad, and there's a lot of anger and frustration at the lack of foresight from their dad...

I am sure it is hard dealing with an ex, and I have lots of friends who have the same frustrations. I think it is going to be about how you approach the situation. If he thinks you are just going to criticize him, he is just going to shut you out.... it's the male ego thing, not your fault it is that y chromosome. Maybe if you approach him and say that the kids aren't getting their homework done and that they are still coming home from school hungry, and ask for his help in coming up with a lunch menu and schedule for the rest of the week, then maybe he will be more willing to "help" make an afterschool schedule and plan lunches ahead of time. Or, of course, he could continue to be an idiot too.

((Hugs))

Yeah, I've approached him with these things.

I don't tend to criticize him per se... I tell him that the kids have said XYZ, or the teachers have said XYZ, and offer to help him out.

He claims that it's easier for me because there's 2 adults in the house versus 1 or him... and that's a load of crap, because although I have my SO, he doesn't deal with the kids lunches or homework or general school stuff.

I get all my groceries done when the kids aren't around, and I make freezer meals for when they ARE around so that prep/cooking time is minimal. I plan the meals we have during the week as well as their lunches, so that I have a good grocery list and everything I need for the week ready to go. I generally send my ex a copy of that, as well as a copy of my grocery list...

I even go one step further and mark the cost of everything I bought, because my ex seems to think that we have tons more money to spend on better food and more snacks... we don't... we actually spend less than he does, and we feed one more adult than he does... which was a whole other fight, and why I send him a copy of the meals and expenses... He tried asking me for money for groceries for the kids, since our meal plan is usually a lot more varied and nutritional than what he comes up with... but we spend 140$ less a month than he does on groceries in a month, and proved it... he doesn't bother making a meal plan, and that's fine, but he whines that he ends up having to throw out a bunch of food and ends up spending more. Um... well... nothing more I can add there buddy...

The kids are involved in getting their lunch together, I just cut up the fruit, veggies, and make their sandwich... as far as homework goes, the 3 of them sit down and I supervise their work... nothing requiring 2 adults there... yet, he's not willing to get off his computer long enough to even sit the kids down for homework. He feels that they should be able to just do it... and they can... but his computer is in the basement, and they do their homework at the dining room table... so they're not supervised, he'll just ask if they've done it, they say yes.. but they haven't.. and he doesn't bother to check. it's SO frustrating!

ooh wow... I'm taking notes on what NOT to do!

but it does sound like you did everything you can do. I guess next, is to have a sit-down with him with the kids and discuss on how the kids see things. It might mean a little bit more coming from them instead of the "woman".

I don't have any advice Rocky, just a ! I'm sorry he's being a butt- at least the school seems to understand that it's all him and is trying to help by sending stuff with the kids on your week! I'm sure it's a big pain for everyone involved though. I hope it gets better!

All I can say is wow. And I offer lots of sympathy, but I think the driving factor is he's lazy. I'm sure that's no shocker to you, you've probably come to the same conclusion.

And can you make ME a meal plan like that???? I will totally follow it I hate grocery shopping, so I suck really bad at it. Which is odd, b/c I typically am pretty organized and OCD about most stuff. Just not that....

lol, if you want me to, sure.

I would need to know what you like to eat, what you don't like to eat, how much time you generally have to commit to cooking... and the prices will be different, because I'm used to my Ottawa, Canada prices...

yup jon is like that too. Brad assumes Jon does his job so he doesnt have to.

has he sat down with the teachers? maybe he needs a meeting with them to see where his kids are and how his lack of effort is efecting their education. any teacher will tell you consistancy is key to proper learning.

As far as u sending him money.. ..umm do you have a coustody /support order in place? I forget.
maybe tell him if he needs help getting the kids proper foods then he should give you the $ he has for groceries and you will shop for him. I know it would be an inconvience but at least you know your kids are eating well.

I have no advice. I wish I did. I know many women who have this same issue, though.

No, he doesn't want to meet with the teachers, I have to go to the meetings. I do keep telling him he needs to go too, though.

We have a separation agreement that was put in place when we split up.. we made approximately the same amount of money back then, and we agreed to not go after each other for child support or spousal support.

Also, we split the Child Tax Benefits I receive for the kids (I'm not required to do that, but I do, it doesn't count as income anyway), and this is the last year we will be doing that - Under his insistence, I have asked the government to send 6 months my way and 6 months his way, which is allowable under our tax laws for joint custody parents... this will be done with respect to our individual income (he makes almost 10K more than I do, now) and so I will continue to receive the same amount, for 6 months, and keep it all instead of giving away half, which works out to the same amount overall for me, and he will get a few hundred dollars less a month for 6 months, which will end up being under half overall, for him. He loses, with that situation, but he insisted he gets his fair share. Okkk..... lol.

We also each claim one child as a dependant on our taxes, and alternate claiming the 3rd child as Equivalent-to-Spouse tax credit. This is written in our Separation agreement.

I wouldn't mind shopping for him, I really wouldn't. It would actually cost less overall, because then I could buy more bulk stuff and portion it all out... he seems to think he does fine on his own. I have offered, he keeps refusing.

Every now and then, though, he will give me the supplies needed to make him things like muffins, cookies, pancakes... he'll buy me some milk, eggs, flour... and he'll buy stuff for me to can for him when I do my own canning. When I find a good deal on something (like when I bought 10 lbs of barely-past-their-prime green beans for 3$) I will just deal with it, and offer him half for half the cost... I canned 10 pint-sized jars of green beans and froze 6 ziploc baggies of beans once I went through them and tossed the bad parts... I gave him 5 jars and 3 bags of beans in exchange for a dozen eggs. I guess you could say we barter quite a bit, I'm always giving him a dozen muffins in exchange for a couple apples and some bananas or something... I do the work, he reaps the benefits, and I don't have to pay.

No advice, but wow you pack amazing lunches!!