I'm having difficulty with my child, This is just a vent

Henry is obviously out of my league at this point! We've been fighting a lot before he left. About stupid stuff. He doesnt' trust me to take care of his children right! He keeps saying "you're not doing that right" "no, you have to feed her only exactly what's on this little list!!" I have KIDS YOUNGER THAN HIS!! YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!?

The day before he left he came home and bawled me out for an hour because Peter was on his tummy in his crib. First of all, Peter SOBBED until I put him in that position. Second of all, he can flip over. I know he can, he does it at night.

He went on to yell about what I've been feeding Andriana. Andriana eats exactly what my kids eat, only I don't feed her snacks in the afternoon because Henry wants to decide what she eats when he gets home from school. My young kids don't eat anything less than fruit roll ups and fruit snacks for snacks. Usually it's graham crackers or apple sauce, fruit.

Not long ago he wanted to cloth diaper Peter, and he wanted me to cloth diaper peter while he was at school and I said, (sorry Mollie) no, because I just do not have the time. Peter has no problem with diaper rash or anything, and the cost isn't what was worrying him. We got in a blow out over that.

The night he left he told me that he and his girlfreind were going to have another. (trying, she wasn't pregnant) I told him to find a place to live away from here first (sorry, harsh) because I'm really getting sick of taking care of his kids all day (who i love to death) doing my best and bustin my butt trying to keep them happy (and they both want daddy so they cry parts of the day) and getting crap for it! I'm also paying for most of the kids stuff because he's totally out of money!!! GRRRRR WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!?

He got all pissed and he left. He's been staying with freinds for a couple weeks now. What frustrates me is I have his two children because he can't afford them. I've done nothing to say that he can't have them! I haven't kept them away from him!! I've ENCOURAGED him to come see them! But yet he says he feels like I'm trying to take them away. Maybe I am, if that means they won't be laying in a gutter because he can't take care of them! I'm sorry but life is real, and he cannot CANNOT take care of these kids fianicially on his own!! He's not even used to spending all day with them, although I know he wishes he could. He takes care of them from 3:30 pm until 7:30 the next morning when he goes to school! Most of that time they are sleeping!!

I'm wanting to try to get full custody, because you know what I do not want him to do something stupid and try to take them and be living in poverty!

I buy most of the kids clothes, actually most of them are passed down from my own children.

I've offered him the apartment upstairs, it's got a kitchentte, a bathroom, and three rooms. It was originally a house for someone else. he won't even have to SEE me anymore! And he's accepted, supposed to be moving in as soon as I can get it done, which he yells at me everytime he calls because it's not done yet. I HAVE 10 KIDS IN MY CARE! 1 is inutero yes, but 10 FREAKING KIDS! EVERYTIME I CLEAN 1 SQ FT OF SURFACE ONE OF THEM POOPS OR PEES OR NEEDS FED!!!

and his kids have waged a total war on me becuase they don't want me, they want their father. Now how nice is that. I really just wish he would spend a little time with them. I don't want him making the mistakes I did.

I really admire you Vig- I don't always have time to respond, but I sometimes feel like I'm just barely making it with 2 small kids. I can't imagine 10.

In the state of Az, the children of a minor child are in the custody of the parent of said minor until they minor turns 18. Until that point, the parent is to make the decisions for both the minor and their children. I have a friend who recently went through a problem with her 16 year old daughter, her baby, and the ex-boyfriend and his family, and this is what the police told her. Maybe there is something similar in your state?

As for the apartment- I know you don't have time. Could he come over and do it? Or at least watch the kids so that you could? I remember being 17 and wanting independence and making your own decisions. I think there were a few years there where my mom really hated me. Granted, he has had a much harder time than most, but some of it is typical 17 year old behavior.

Wow, good thing you vented before you exploded, LOL!

I agree with what Michelle said. He should come and help get the apartment done, or at least come watch the kids so you can do it. That's ridiculous of him to chew you out like that! I think you are Superman!

And they are trying for ANOTHER???? That is crazy! They can't care for the ones they have! How is the girlfriend involved withher kids? Sounds like she doesn't have anything to do with them!


You are amazing Vig! You are doing an awesome job, no matter what anyone says!

(No need to apologize about the cloth diapers, LOL! Although, I'd LOVE to buy diapers for that many kids! What a dream come true!)

I think you are doing the best you can. I'm sorry that Henry is acting this way. I think you need to have a long heart to heart with him. Not attacking (and I'm not saying you would), but in a loving way. You both need to sit down and make some decissions for these children. Ask him why he won't come and help you get that appartment ready? Ask him if he would be willing to help you get it ready. Let him know that you will help support him and his children for as long as they need too. I understand that you love your grandchildren very much and don't want anything to happen to them. I admire you so much for taking on that huge responsibility. I have 3 children and know how difficult it is.

Well Vig
Its like this...... they are his kids BUT when he walked out of that door he gave up most of the control over them.
If he is going to bi**h you out tell him to get to your place at 5am to start making the food for the day for them and get things ready for the day. and you will see him when he gets off that bus until those kids are in bed for the night.
And HIS weekends belong to you.( this way you can get the apartment done for him)

Wow - I'm constantly amazed at how much you do for that whole gang of yours. Geez... do I feel like a weenie for flipping out when my ONE little one gives me a bad night here and there.

Sounds like you and Henry are having a big ol' alpha male throw down! And he can't possibly stand a chance of coming out the winner... very frustrating for a 17 year old young man, I'm sure.

Seriously though, it sounds to me like it's time for you and Henry to have what we call a "come to Jesus meeting." Henry needs to see it like it is... he can not take care of his kids on his own so he'd better start being darn-tootin grateful for the care you provide - NOT pick it apart. And if he walks out and stays gone for two weeks - EXCUSE ME - but that's not YOU taking his kids from him - that's HIM walking out on his parental responsibilities (which, as you pointed out, aren't even full-time when he IS there).

Honestly - if he could live on his own and support his kids - he'd have them in daycare part of the time and HELLO - daycares tell YOU how their going to take care of and feed your kids... it's mostly that way and NOT the other way around. That's why when we have to go the daycare route, we all shop and shop and shop for a daycare that has the most overlap with the way we would take care of the kids ourselves.

As for his kids waging war on you... poor little tykes... I know it must suck to be on the receiving end... but I'm sure they're just acting out from their concern about what is going on around them - direct result of their FATHER'S behavior, it sounds like.

I hope your vent made you feel a little better. I know it helps me when I can just dump all my frustrations out... if I don't, I end up throwing things off my kitchen counters. Which still beats taking it out on people around me. I honestly could not do what you do, and I really admire you for taking care of, and providing for, all those little people in your life... and that INCLUDES Henry.

Vig I'm so sorry. Sit him down and talk to him, maybe ask Tav to mediate if she will. You don't want to lose them over this! I really hope you get it sorted . . keep us posted. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give you xx

Okay I will try my best to answer everyones comments and questions at once, LMAO! Sorry if I miss you, if i did, let me know!!

Maestra-

I don't know what the laws are like in ID but I will defiantly check. I really don't want to have to take his kids if I don't have to because I think he is a good parent when he's ..able to be around. I just dont' want him leaving with them now. For one thing, I bought the crib and all the gear and the carseat the kiddos are in!!

Yeah, he defiantly is 17!! (at least)

Mollie:

Yes! ANOTHER!! I was going "uh uh uh uh NO!!!" Or at least HER parents are doing it. Plus her body must be having a heck of a time where she's having kids so close together!! She sees them now and then. She used to live here after Peter was born but I think it's hard for her to be around them just a little so she isn't around them at all, ykwim?

CJ'SMOM - Yep, talked to him tonight. Thank you for the compliment!! You're a great mommy and you have such beautiful kids! I was at your website while looking at old posts, and I love that most recent one of all three of your kids!!

Lisa - I can always tell you've raised kids. You know what I'm going through right now!! (because you have teens of course) You're right, and I talked to you a little more about that earlier. You and Ed are wonderful parents!

Texasp3- Don't worry about flipping out when one of yours has a hard night. I know what that was like and it wasn't any harder or easier than what I do! I hate it when they're sick!!

And you're totally right about the daycare thing. When he takes them to daycare they're always doing things he doesn't like!

Thats how I take the kids wagin' war thing. You know, it makes me feel awful to see them crying for dad and I'm not dad. But what hurts me more is that they're starting to get used to me, and treating me more like daddy. I want them to have their daddy like Henry sometimes didn't. Venting defiantly helps! So does having great online pals like you guys!


Josie -
Hey there! How you are you! Totally right, do NOT want to lose him over this. I don't want him to go anywhere. That's my update. Don't worry about advice, having support from you guys is advice enough!!

Okay, since I've answered all your questions, and I called Henry today because I was wandering around in Boise and I was in a piss poor mood, and he'd called me.

He wanted to say he was sorry. He wants to get some help, to help with his depression, and it's not really that he's walked out on his kids, he and I both agreed taht he couldn't take care of them in the state that he was/is. He's rather depressed and anxious. HE misses them too.

I asked him if, to help things go easier, (i must have read your guy's minds LOL) he could come over and babysit his siblings while I worked on the place or he could work on it. Usually Kel and Vince and maybe Tracy come help, so it would be just the little ones! I just need to be able to work without them waking up every 5 minutes and of course it's harder for Tavia to take care of all of them being pregnant as she is. We worked it out that he'll either babysit or work on the place. What it really needs is, cleaned up some more, vaccumed, wiped down, ect from sitting unused. It also needs all the furniture moved up. We're taking a weekflat and I could have it done, if I have help. Tav's been helping me too but I don't want her doing too much. It doesn't seem like much moving, but you have to take into account that I have to move two cribs (the one bedroom has a bed alreayd up there) a dresser, and all the contents of the kid's rooms. I may hire some kids to help me out.

He also said that he realized it's been kinda rough lately because of the kids. He explained that he's really just a very nervous daddy and wants them to have the best of everything in life. I realize how that I was probably like that too at times. He said no more cloth diaper like urges (sorry Mollie LOL) and no more freaking out when I feed them. I met him half way, and I told him I would write down what I feed them everyday (which isn't a big problem, won't take but a minute). I explained to him that sometimes they get a snack becaus all the other kids are having one and they're hungry, but its never more than like.. 1/4 or LESS of what the other kids are getting. It's never junk food either. I think we've worked that out. I did promise not to lay Peter on his stomach anymore.

So I think (maybe) things will work out? I hope so. I'm tired of fighting. Too tired to fight!!

Thanks all.

Awww Vig
I'm so happy that you both talked and your meeting half way thats a big step in the right direction

Oh wow - sounds like the two of you had a really productive talk!!! I'm so glad things are back on track, and I'm sure if the two of you can talk like that, you'll always be able to bring things back on track.

You wrote.. "He explained that he's really just a very nervous daddy and wants them to have the best of everything in life."

That sounds so much like DH it made me giggle. Since I've gotten one kid all the way into his teens successfully, it makes me want to smack DH when he gets all uppity about how I'm taking care of Gabriel. He's gotten much better and has now decided that it's best to tell me, "I trust you in all things baby." Fortunately, he means it.

Good luck getting the new space ready. Sounds like that apartment is a good solution - Henry sounds like he needs some independence but also a lot of support right now.

Yeah! I'm glad too.

He's coming over today so I can work on the room.s

Double Post.

This post has been edited by loveydad on Feb 6 2005, 02:45 PM

Can someone help me I've been fighting with my parents for like 2 months and I can't take it. I am only 12 and i feel like running away. Can you please help me.

All kids feel that way, you should post your own post and not hijack mine.

If your twelve and your not a parent, why oh why are you posting here?

HANG ON . . . HANG ON . . . WHOSE KIDS ARE WHOSE? *CONFUSED*

Henry's kids are Andriana is who is 15 months and 5 month old Peter.

My kids are Henry Vincent Kelton Tracy Nicky Carter Clara and Brooklyn who is not yet born but who's wanting to be born.