hello, and point me in the right direction, need help with problem friend

[masama]

greetings! i need to make this quick but will fill in more about myself later-
I'm a single mom with one boy who turns 7 in early June.
He is sharing a birthday party with a new classmate at their house. guests will be just the boys from their kindergarten class (total 10) plus approx 10 more boys who are family or friends made in previous JK and PK classes at smae school.

Long story short---- there's a boy, "X", who DS wants to ask, but i don't want to come. He is sort of a troublemaker and i was really glad that he wasn't in the same class this year so i felt no obligation to invite him. I feel sorry for the kid, as his dad (divorced now) is a big part of his problem, but the moms all dread seeing him show up anywhere and i frankly can't blame them. But-- i made a big mistake and did let DS go to his house this sunday afternoon when he was invited for a playdate and we stayed over for dinner. they had a pretty good time although X tends to be a bad sport. he can play well for the most part but it's peppered with a little cheating and rudeness. (I've been very involved in the classroom and saw that in PK he was downright violent; in JK he had tantrums and acted out quite a bit).

So, last night DS mentioned something about adding him to the invitation list and i rtealized i really don't want X to come, for everyone's sake, and i wasn't sure how to explain it to DS..and also to the mother, who is nice but somewhat in denial of her son's level ofproblem behaviour. She's been sweet and invited us over for big family and friend Thanksgiving and Christmas open house since i separated from my ex.

BTW, on the spur of the moment when DS asked, all i could come up with was that we'd already finalized the list and i wasn't sure if there was room for any more kids. (not totally true; the host mom says the more the merrier, and DS may come up with a few more names before the invites go out- so that will leave him wondering why not X.)
This morning, i'm thinking i really need to be honest with DS, but i'm afraid of how to phrase it so he doesn't say something that sounds mean to this boy at shared playground time, and that won't get back to his mom re-interpreted by X.
I thought i'd try to point out a few examples of bad behaviour that DS has seen and explain that until X learns to act much better with friends (that could well be never), we won't have him be a part of any parties we have.
I would SO like to be able to explain this all to the mom, but as you all know, that is one seriously sticky wicket.
Any suggestions? all thoughts welcome-

[mckayleesmom]

Ok...well....In a way I think you should invite him anyways since that is what your son wants, but then again I wouldn't want to be the one to tick all the other moms off too..kwim?

Maybe there is a compromise in there somewhere.

Maybe you can do that party at your friends house like planned and just tell your son the list is full.....Then make another day where him and a couple friends can celebrate at your house or McDonalds or something. Somewhere that his mom has to be responsible for his actions.

Do you have a chic-Filet? You can go there and the play area is sound proof.

[masama]

unfortunately, from what i saw on sunday this kid's behaviour is such that i don't want to create more opportunities for him to be with my son even outside of this party. i'm not being picky, there's a reason many kids and parents feel the same. and you are right- i don't want to tick off the other moms for my son's sake.
DS is friendly with everyone, but not a particular friend of this guy. he never initiates play with him or talks about him, but did so when invited. I don't think it will crush him if X can't come; it just came up because of the recent playdate. plus, DS is probably thinking about that extra gift he'll get :-)

This post has been edited by masama on May 6 2008, 01:37 PM

[Teesa®©]

Our DS had a boy in his JK and SK that was just HORRIBLE and I was even trying to transfer schools just to get DS away from this kid [they go to a small school so this boy would be almost guaranteed to always be in his class ].

I know that DS would never even think of asking if this boy to a party, this boy has done everything from poking DS with sticks [once right in his eye!] to purposely cutting open DS's finger with a pair of scissors.

But, honestly, if DS were to ask for him to be invited, I would. Why? Well, for a few reasons:
1. DS wants him there and it is his party
2. considering the way this boy is, how many parties is he totally excluded from?
3. his being at the party is more structured than at school - more parents to keep an eye on him and his behaviour - and will probably be less than likely to misbehave
4. by the sounds of it, he needs more interaction with other children to learn how to behave properly around/with them.

Since it sounds like he's a different child at school than he is at home, it doesn't seem like this boy has many - or any - friends, and this could be one reason why he acts out. It's his way of dealing with his pain.

Trying to see this from the boy's point of view, he'll be hurt, sad and angry he didn't get invited. Think more that everyone just hates him and not that it's because of his behaviour. And, who knows? If he can pull off being good at this party, he may get invited to another, and another, and each time he'll be more well equipped to interact better with other children and have more friends.

If you're still against having X there, what you'd told your DS about the list being complete was really good . Don't add any more children to the list or you'll have more explaining to do. Just tell him that they can be invited to next years party or maybe they could have a sleepover sometime.

[masama]

teesa, my heart is with what you say. i'm of the school, "it takes a village", and in past when X was a classmate, i have tried to help him when i was at school parties and he was acting out.
but his problems are really huge, and he has the potential of ruining the party.
Biggest reason i don't want to invite him: I'm not the host. this party is shared with another boy who has never been in class with X, and who's mom is hosting. Even DS isn't "friends" with X-- i'm friendly with the mom and when she called us for the playdate, she even mentioned that she'd tried other kids but no one coould come (she wasn't being rude; our sons have just never shown an interest in each other and never had a playdate and i guess she felt she needed to offer an explanation.) This boy's parents usually drop him off at parties and when they do stay, they are oblivious to his behaviour and the fact that other moms are correcting their son.

X does need to figure out that if he's not getting invited to parties, it is his behaviour and bad sport attitude, and as you say, he can't make that connection. nor should he be expected to; his parents are failing him miserably.

The first year they were in school in PK, i could see that X needed friends and i offered the mom to pick up X with my son at noon so X wouldn't have to stay late (5 or 6 pm), but she declined each time: "no, thanks, he'll be just fine in aftercare".
Now, it's too late for me to feel like i can help. the boy needs professional help IMO and i need to make sure my son isn't ostricized for hanging out with him. I know that sounds cold, but i need to watch out for my boy. He's an only child with no cousins or siblings or even other "built-in" friends (i had him late in life and all my friends either have no kids or they are grown).
You have a good heart. I wish i felt that i could take your advice but in this situation, i can't.

This post has been edited by masama on May 7 2008, 06:45 AM

[masama]

to teesa again- i just want to be sure that you (all) understand that if i thought a good experience at this party could start X on the road to good behaviour, i would definitely do it. you'd have to have seen this kid as much as i have though to see how his behaviour differes from simply bad boy. he's becoming "disturbed" i fear and i am not cabable of fixing the damage that's been done.

BTW, i did explain this truthfully to DS and he's taken it very well. as i said, it's not as if this boy was a "friend" friend, so it's not a big deal to DS anyway. We did discuss what he should say if the boy asks about the party, and he's decided to tell him that the guest list is full. we discussed the fact that this is actually a small lie, and the difference between a lie that spares someone hurt feelings, which in my opinion is acceptable, and the kind of lie that hurts people or gives you an unfair advantage, which are definitely wrong.

[PrairieMom]

I'll play! ...

If you don't want this child there, than don't invite him. YOU are the mom, it is YOUR responsibility to your child to make sure that he is surrounded with positive influences, regardless of what your child thinks he wants. He is a CHILD, and lacks the insight that you have.
Also, as the Mother, you have the luxury of not having to explain yourself to your child.
Just saying "its too late, the invitations are already out" should be enough.

We have a little boy that is my son's age that lives across the street that my son loves to play with. That child is a good kid , don't get me wrong, he hasn't done a single "bad" thing, but he has a hard time listening, following directions, and is into things that I don't really appreciate my son being into, (fighting games, shooting, that kind of thing), so my son doesn't get to play with him, or in the very least has limited time with him.
My son wanted to invite him to his birthday party next week, but guess what? we didn't have enough invitations.

[masama]

thanks for replying, PM!
I had pretty much decided that wasn't inviting this child, but wanted to bounce it around for input. my biggest worry was how to explain it to DS. Unfortunately, we had agreed a while back that as time grew closer to the party he could invite more people if he wanted to. And, he sees this child on the school playground every day during recess and this child really likes him and remembers that we have been kinder to him than most in the past; when he sees me he often asks if he can come over. the other mom who is hosting says "the more the merrier", so i'd be backpeddaling to tell him differently.
i really hate lying to him :-S