How to dump a man

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. (Check those that apply...)

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter.

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am seriously out of your league, set your sights much lower next time.


Sincerely, _________________

The man replies

Dear Ms. Wrong,

Thank you for your letter dated __________________________ . Though the letter is obviously months overdue, I understand your need to continue to fool yourself into thinking that you ever had a chance to trap me into marrying you. What else could you do in your obviously desperate state? Regarding the 24 or so other suitors you eluded to, rest assured, we have spoken and we're all in agreement that you will live your life out in disappointed spinsterhood. Feel free to file my name under "possibilities" if you so desire, but you should know that your therapist would definitely advise against this. It's time for you to move on, preferably, to another city where no one knows you. I thank you for your specific suggestions for my personal improvement. Although these character flaws are known to me, it's nice to know that you can figure out methods of rejection by reading my behavior. If applicable, thank you for noting that my name and stature are objectionable. I should probably be the bigger person and tell you that your feet are too big and that fungus between your toes should be professionally treated. While you might find it objectionable that I live with my parents, it was the best I could do when you insisted you meet them on Thanksgiving. The only other choice I had was to give you my real address and I just signed a long term lease and have no intention of violating the early out clause because you won't stop stalking me. So, I thank you for your letter of rejection, and hope this reply finds you in the care of a worthy and skilled podiatrist.

Your acquaintance,
John Smith

P.S. Please stop grilling my mother about the differences in her last name and mine. In case you haven't figured it out, I never gave you my real name. Oh, and all men carry condoms, you silly, self-centered, female foot fungus growing spinster.

Oh my, what a response!! Awesome!

Hilarious!