Our PPD Stories

Please share your story here. It may help someone who is lurking and unsure or a long term member, a friend, who is afraid to talk about things.

Well everyone talks about PPD coming shortly after baby being born.. that was not the case for me. I went 6 good months of relative normalcy only for it all to fall apart one miserable day. I guess the signs of exhaustion, indifference and sadness were there but I didn't see them. Or maybe I wouldn't see them. I raised two boys who are only 18mos apart by myself. Having a third baby with a husband was supposed to be a piece of cake. It wasn't. I merely existed for months. Did what I had to but didn't feel anything... for anyone. I didn't ask for help because I was too proud. I tried to do it all and that was my first mistake. I expected DH to know what to do and "save" me on those tough days but he isn't psychic and didn't know what to do half the time so he just didn't. I felt myself slipping day by day and even mentioned to my OB that I was exhausted and didn't feel "right" and he said if you feel the same way in 2 weeks come back. I was embarrassed to say it once out loud, he was off his rocker if he thought i'd come back in 2 weeks and make a special appointment declaring I felt nuts. That was my second mistake.

I went barely another unproductive month and finally hit rock bottom. My marriage was almost over because of my depression and his. We had one last fight and that was it. I convinced myself the world was better off without me and did the unthinkable. Next thing I knew, I awoke to paramedics and cops everywhere. It was like a bad movie that wouldn't end. They said I was going to the hospital and when I panicked and refused, they took me anyways. It was the most horrifying experience I have ever had in my life. After hours of evaluation (and separation from my new nursing daughter) they finally let me go home. Talk about a humbling experience. We realized then I was suffering from PPD and went from there.

I often look back and wonder how different things would have been if I had only realized what I was suffering from and treated it early on. The pills don't last forever but the sanity does. It is a chemical imbalance. Hormones out of whack. Fix em and life is good again. We treat a headache with meds and have no feelings of shame... the same should go for this.

very coragous of you.

Kimberly...

I'm currently waiting on blood test results to see if my thyroid is the troublemaker... but I get the blues pretty bad. I've considered walking out on my family several times. I tend to sleepwalk... i get things from elsewhere in the house in the middle of the night - and I'm so paranoid about doig something bad - I "need" to put away all sharp objects in my room.

I visualize sometimes grabbing my kids by the hair and slamming them against the wall when they're REALLY acting up. Of course, I don't, and I have never... and after that type of visualization I usually break down and cry.

My youngest is 7 months old and I've only recently (like in the last 6 weeks or so) considered talking to my doctor about it. I a, fine one second... then it's like the bi*ch-switch was pulled and I'm a raving lunativ ther next second, then back to normal the next second. The change (getting to that point) wasn't overnight... it was so slow that nobody really noticed - everybody just thought i had bad days with the kids... who knows... I'm seeing my doctor again about it on monday night

Thank you for sharing guys. I guess I'm next.

Like Kimberley, things started off pretty normal. Anthony (our second child, and second son) was unplanned, but I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant with him, and the day I took him home. The first week was relatively great. Ron was home from overseas for the birth, his big brother was awesome, and my mom had made it down also. Through the months that Ron was away, I handled. I did what I could, but I knew something was a little off when I went in to get Anthony's 2 month vaccination, the nurses said I had a touch of PPD, but nothing was said at his next visit, and I didn't complain.

When Ron came home things were really rough, we had to live with another child, which he didn't know how to do. He came home at late hours, often going to work early, coming home to get his gym gear and then leaving again for another 2 or more hours. Anthony did nothing besides suck on my boob, and stay in my arms. He wouldn't take a bottle, a paci, or a sippy cup. If he was put down he would scream. It was difficult to go out with him, he didn't like the stroller, or the carseat, or carts, which made me a prisoner in my home.

My breaking point was a typical day that Ron had come home from work to get his gym gear, I was tired, completely and totally exhausted, I felt hopeless and just needed a break. Ron said he wouldn't be long. To avoid hurting the baby I put him in his crib, shut the door and let him scream. I then proceded to kick the cabinet door in the kitchen until it broke. I sat in the corner and cried for an hour

I still didn't go to get help from the doctor for another 6 months after that. I was ashamed and scared. When I look back, I realize I suffered through this same thing horribly with Robbie also, he unfortunetly paid the price with my screaming and occassionally I did throw him into his crib. I am embarrased to say this, but that's the reality of what a mom who has PPD goes through. I suffered through this alone. Ron still doesn't know the extent of what I suffer through although I think he understands it more right now.

I now suffer from depression and am not afraid to say it, not here at least. I have a hard time believing in a chemical imbalance, but non the less I am on medication.

You are not alone in your fight, and that's what it is - everyday.

After reading your stories I feel as though I need to let it out too.

It took Jason and I about 4 years to have a baby. We were told that we could never have kids naturally...well we did. I knew something wasn't right the 2 week we were home. I was a crying emotional basket case, which is out of character for me. Here I am with a baby I have always wanted and dreamed about, and I had nothing to do with her. I could not stand to look at her, nor touch her. Breastfeeding was out of the question for me, sinse she had to touch me....that was very hard for me to admit, Jason doesn't even now all that. I finally broke down and called the ob and she gave me some Zoloft. it worked great then I decide...ah heck I don't need these pills to make me happy. It wasn't until this past Nov. that those feeling came back. Kayla was about 6 months old, I think. Jason finally laid it out for me, either I go to the doctor or I can leave and not take Kayla. I was basically, at that point, waiting for him to tell me to leave so it would not look like I abandoned my house in the eyes of the courts. I was ready to end our marriage. It took alot of conviencing but I ended up going to the doc. and have been on Zoloft ever since.
I have had a hard time admitting that I have suffered from PPD because that is supposed to be the most joyous and happy time in your life. I just wanted to be normal...little did I know that having some form of PPD was normal.
Now I'm just diagnosed with depression...low Seratonin. Apparently it runs in the family.

Theres my story.....

I went through ppd too. Before my 2nd daughter was born my bf and I did everything together. We were inseperable. We also went on vacation to pennsylvania alot. We loved to go camping there. Just about every weekend we went.When our baby was born in december 05, everything changed. She was delivered by c section at 36 weeks because I developed toximea, and preeclampsia. After she was born they wouldn't let me see her for a whole day because my blood pressure was so high. They had me in a special room, and I was on magnesium, until my bp went down. On the 2nd day they put me in a wheel chair, and took me to the nicu to see her for the first time. I don't want you guys to think I'm a bad mommy because i'm not. I love my baby more than anything, I would give my life for her, but when I saw, and held her, I felt nothing. I was glad she was finally, here and healthy, but as far as love at first sight well lets just say I was numb, and didn't know what to feel. I couldn't hold her that long because she was 10lbs 4oz, and holding her made my incision hurt. So they took me back to my room. When I finally got my own private room, they let her stay in my room with me. I told the nurses to bring her to me for all of her feedings, because I wanted to do it. I still felt numb. I think on the third day when my bf came to the hospital, he picked her up and called her BEAUTIFUL, well It hit me, I cried. That was what he always called me. He never called me by my name, he always called me beautiful. That was my nickname. I guess you can say I was jeleous. (when I think back to all of this i feel like a real big idiot!!) When me and the baby came home, i put her in her bassinet and i sat on the ottoman in my living room, and io just started crying for no reason. For about 3 hours i could not stop. I was thinking about the baby being in his life now so where does that leave me. I was thinking about how everything is now changed, and its never going to go back to the wat it was. The first time i went to the store since i was home from the hospital was so upsetting. My bf couldn't go with me, he had to stay home with the baby. Well i wasn't used to that, so that made me cry while i was driving. I just cried about everything. I have never felt so alone in my life. Thank goodness i got over it. I love my baby and everything is great now. But that was a low point for me. Feeling alone is the worst thing in the world especially after you have a baby. like i said before, when i look back on this i feel like a real big idiot, and a bad mommy. I love my baby so much, and i cant imagine my life without her. I love my bf too. he is my best friend. our babys birth has made us closer than ever. i'm happy to have our little family. i just wish i had got help when the ppd started so that i didn't have to feel like that, and also so that i could have enjoyed my babys first 3 months.

This post has been edited by Ashlynn's Mommy on Jun 9 2006, 04:59 AM

what courage each of you have to come forth in this forum to share your stories. I hope on hope that someone will read this, and realize that they are not alone. That, as Kimberley said, PPD may not come in the obvious package right after birth. From yor stories shared, it can may make a grand appearance, or lurk and you may not know what is going on. Suffice it to say, we (as mothers) are not alone, and I am happy that you ladies have shared your stories (which had me in tears), hugs to each and every one of you ladies and for others sitting on the fence of telling their story of PPD. And hugs to those who can look at their time as a mother with new eyes, and know that you are/were not a bad mother- AT ALL!

TFS Everyone! to you all.

I had postpartum depression with my 1st and depression during pregnancy with #2 & #3. I still remember how odd I felt immediately after Kyle was born. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I just attributed it to the fact that I had just endured labor. I couldn't sleep, had no appetite and cried all the time. I suspected postpartum depression within a week but waited until week #4 before I called the doctor. It took 16 weeks and 2 doctors later before I found a medicine that worked for me. Needless to say by this time I was in the grips of a major depression and it took over 18 months before I felt even remotely like myself. I survived it and my 2nd and 3rd bouts of pregnancy related depression were easily remedied.