Is my child's mother making the right decisions?

Hey everybody! This is my first time posting on a parenting message board, probably because it's my first time being a parent! I can't really afford to seek counseling/parenting classes, and I'm in the process of looking for free professional advice. What better place to start than message boards, incorporating advice from parents everywhere??

I'm a 22-year-old, first-time father, recent single-father. My child's mother and I tried counseling a few times, and we summed up our relationship by agreeing on things just not working out. We haven't settled things in court, and both share custody of our son, Ayden. I have him 3 days a week, she has him 3 days a week, and we alternate the extra day every other week.

So that's our circumstance. Here's are my problems:

• Ayden's mother already brought two new men into his life.
• She recently got a job at a strip club. Serving drinks, but a strip club nonetheless
• She's prioritizing a tummy tuck rather than going back to school.
• She always threatens to take my son away from me.

I know these aren't very common problems, and this is why I need advice. Is she making the right parenting decisions? Or am I just over-analyzing the situation? Ayden is MY LIFE. MY EVERYTHING. I want what is best for HIM. All I want is for me and his mother to act like adults and discuss the circumstances, but it just turns into a fighting match on who's to blame.

I can get more into detail if needed.

ADVICE PLEASE?!

-Jason

Well she's not being horrible in every way. I say if getting a tummy tuck is important to her (rather trivial, but important) and is going to make her happy, then she should go for it.
As for working in a strip club as a server, the money is good and it's an honest living. Long as your baby isn't going there, I don't see a major problem with it.
Bringing guys into her life, red flag in my opinion, but that also doesn't make her a bad mother.
What makes her horrible is the threat of taking her son's father away from him, that's just being a B***h. Since you're already going to court, don't argue with her, it just gives her more ammo, keep it to yourself, then she can't set you up,let them decide.
The most important thing is your baby. Is she generally good to him, and take care of all his needs. If the answer is yes, then I wouldn't worry about the job or the tummy tuck.

Good Luck

How old is your son? I believe that it's not a great idea to bring so many people into a child's life, but as for her work, I guess she needs to work where she can find a job. I suppose there are worst places to work, and at least she's not stripping and it's not like she's bringing him to work. As for the tummy tuck, it's probably not the most responsible thing to do, but it's out of your control and again th4ere are worst things she could do. Do you think she's doing other things that might directly relate to her parenting him? Is she drinking or not taking care of him as well as she could? Those are the things I'd really watcyh for.

About this taking him away nonsense, I would watch it. Does she say these things a lot? Is she angry or seroius? If you think she's really going to bring you into court to try to take him away, I would keep notes on the behavior you think is inappropriate. Who knows if it'll help in court, but I'd say it's worth it. As long as you have a steady job, finicial funds, and are a good father to your son, I would think you'd be able to get partial custody if she did bring you to court,.

This post has been edited by DblTblDad on Sep 14 2005, 11:32 PM

oh boy, sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do and has her priorities backwards right now. something she will regret later on. i agree about the job. while it is not the most respectable thing she can do, it isn't the worst either. at least she is making money and i suspect that the tummy tuck is something she feels will help her self image and prolly get more tips lol. your son is young enough to not understand or remember these things, so i wouldn't be too worried about it.

as for the men, i would be concerned. especially "bar" type guys. it is not healthy for the child to have these people flitting in and out of his life. have you tried talking calmly with her about it? does she have family or friends she is close to that can help you get through to her? i am sure she prolly resents everything you say.

and for your interest and your son's, keep a daily journal of her interactions with you and your son. it sounds like you have accepted your responsibilites as a parent and would give your son more stability than she can right now. if she ever tries to take your son, you will have your account detailed and dated for the judge. i hope you can work things out for Ayden's sake! we are always here to listen! take care!

Jason, you have a beautiful son and I hope, for his sake, you and your ex can come to mutual agreements. Using the unacceptable threat of taking you away from your son as leverage in your legal and personal battles must be addressed. I like the idea of a daily journal. Do that and write in it daily without dramatizing the events of the day. Be as precise and simple as you can. I also agree that arguing with her will do no good and has the potential to do much harm in your cause.

Unlike many of the others here, I agree with you that her choice of employment is a poor one. I don't have a problem with her being a cocktail waitress, but, taking in her other "interests," waiting in a strip club seems inappropriate for a young, single mother. I know I'll probably get some backlash for that but I'm looking at a bigger picture here. She wants a tummy tuck (exercise can do wonders for a flabby tummy a heck of a lot cheaper), and she's actively seeking "Mr. Right." He's not going to come from a stripper bar, but it's likely that her men are coming from that circle, IMHO. I've been in those places (yeah, I know, so who am I to judge?), and I've seen the type of men that frequent them. These guys aren't interested in a stable, long term relationship. They're interested in their next grope. Apparently she is hung up on her looks, and willing to take a surgical step to correct what she sees as a serious physical flaw. That insights a lot of other questions about both her real and desired employement situation, and about how much priority she places on giving your son a caring, healthy growth environment.

You didn't really tell us much about yourself. I have a few questions:

What do you do for a living?
Do you live alone or are you living with family? Friends?
How do you handle situations where you and your ex have or begin personal confrontations in front of Ayden?
How long have you been separated from your ex-wife?
How do you feel about her today?

This post has been edited by redchief on Sep 15 2005, 07:34 AM

1. Right now I am a full-time student, and work full-time managing a warehouse for a private vitamin and supplement company.

2. I live with my dad and my step-mother. I was planning on getting my own place, but with tuition for school, working less hours, and supporting myself and my son, I wouldn't be able to afford everything alone. My dad and step-mom are VERY loving and supportive, and encourage me to stay as long as I need to complete my degree, or just to get on my feet.

3. If I have something I want to talk about with my ex, whether it angers me or not, I address the situation calmy without accusations or "attacks." Everything is factual, and it ends up with me being the bad guy trying to control her life. We just simply can't talk without fighting.

4. We've been apart for approximately 5 months. It's not really exact on when the date was, but we started the downward spiral of problems around May.

5. I'm completely over our relationship, and because of her parenting decisions and the way she talks to me, have absolutely no affection, care, or envy for her or what happened. The only respect I have towards her is simple: she's the mother of my child.


i'm not really mad at the fact that she has another part-time job. after all, she's making extra money for her and hopefully towards ayden. it's the fact that she has to get a job serving drinks at a STRIP CLUB. out of all the establishments out there, she chooses one that operates strictly on the EXPLOITATION OF WOMEN. good money or not, i dont want my son wondering where his mother is one night, and when he finds out, thinks it's okay for her to work at an establishment of that sort. i know ayden's still too young to remember, but i guess you can just say im preparing myself for worse to come

as far as the other man in her life, i have nothing against him AT ALL. i actually met him for the first time last week, and he seems intelligent, caring,and like he has a good head on his shoulders. i'm sure he would be a great addition into ayden's life. my only gripe is that not at such a young age. she's already brought one other man into his life that she thought would work out, but that quickly ended. now she's off to the next... i dont want my son to grow up wondering if this is okay, and even worse, wondering who his real daddy is..

i've started to keep a journal about our arguments and our parenting decisions. strictly factual. at times i wish she would just realize that what she is doing is NOT for the best interest of ayden. then again, that's MY opinion. every story has two sides.. but i've given you all the facts, and you've provided me with the best advice...

as a 22-year-old single father, i'm telling all your older parents and families that we younger generation look up to you. it takes an overwhelming amount of time, strength, and LOVE to raise and nurture a child, and i'm glad to say that i'm part of your "club."