need some advice

[Greg]

Some of you may have seen in my introduction that I have my 16 year old nephew living with me. Well he got suspended from school last Friday. I of course was upset but didn't talk to him. That's because I find myself getting so frustrated with him that if I try and discuss an issue I end up yelling and just wanting to hit him upside the head. Or if I'm asking him about something and he walks away I just want to grab his arm and yank him back. Now I don't want to start a physical confrontation with him. So I end up just leaving him alone. So all weekend long he did what he wanted and went where he wanted.

The other night I realized that I need to lay down the law to him, and really start enforcing some rules. So I came home early from work to see if I could get him alone, and found that he wasn't at home. My wife said he had left a little earlier. So he comes home at 10 and we really get into it. I didn't get very far in laying down the rules or anything, because we had been in his room yelling for so long that I had to leave because I didn't know if I could control my anger.

So, I don't know how many of you have teens, but my daughter just turned 3 so I really have no clue in this department and I'm just looking for some advice. What rules do I need to put in place? Curfew? How should I go about setting expectations? What should I say? And what should I do about his recent stunts? Am I supposed to ground him? And maybe this sounds stupid, but how on earth do I do that? What does that consist of? No car...no tv...no what? I realize Cameron has anger issues, and doesn't have very good coping skills, and probably would benefit from counseling. But it's not like I can drag him there.

I just feel pretty clueless here. So I appreciate any advice.

[Greg]

Okay I posted that in another forum yesterday and after I got replies I wrote back so I thought I'd post that too.

So, I guess I wasn’t really thinking about the fact that he might be upset that I’m not treating him like an adult or maybe just not how I used to treat him. We always had a good relationship, since my brother couldn’t step up, I did, and with my other nephew too, he’s 19 now. It used to be my other nephew who was always in trouble and my sil would ask me to talk to him, and he always listened because I guess he respected me.

And with Cameron I always listened to him, and he listened to me. I usually took his side on everything. I always thought he was a good kid, and I still think that. But I do think that he has been through a lot and does have some underlying anger issues especially toward his parents. I understand that completely and I actually don’t mind if he takes it out on me. Now, I’ve always known my nephew’s somewhat of a troublemaker, but never really believed some of the things my sister-in-law told me about. But having him live with me has really opened up my eyes. I feel like I can’t trust him. And I guess I can understand wanting to be treated adult, but come on if you don’t act like one…

I thought that everything would be fine, just like things normally were between us. But he came here mad at the world, guess I can’t blame him, but I just thought it would be easier. I didn’t tell him what to do, I wasn’t trying to be his parent and control his life. But then he started coming home at 3 in the morning, or not coming home at all. He was skipping school; driving a car without a license. That’s just a couple of things. I didn’t want to push him or have to set any rules, but I just really don’t think that’s okay. So we had numerous easygoing conversations, and I thought that worked, but obviously not.

My wife said that I just need to be really tough and explain how it was going to work and what was going to happen if it didn’t go that way. I didn’t really want to do that, but I don’t want to lose my temper either. Because you’re right I think it’s very important that he still sees me as someone who is on his side and not just someone who wants to come down on him. My wife is the one who suggested the counseling, because of his underlying anger and abandonment issues. I don’t know, I guess it might work. But I can’t force him to do it obviously, and I’m pretty sure he’d hate me forever if I even mentioned it.

A friend of mine is a therapist for adolescents and she was telling me that as much as I wanted just to leave things alone to avoid a conflict, but that allowing him to do whatever he wants wouldn’t benefit anyone. She said that I was supposed to not let him leave the house when he did something wrong. And that I needed to tell him that he has one chance to start getting under control or things will be changing. I don’t know about all of that, but I guess one more try talking to him reasonably and explaining that I’m really trying to talk calmly and not come down on him, but that if things don’t change that’s how it has to be.

I really don’t want to take that stance, but that’s what everyone’s telling me I have to do. So I guess I’ll try it.

Again, I really appreciate getting different viewpoints here. I’ll take any suggestions I can get. Thanks.

[gr33n3y3z]

Its hard to pick up where someone left off with him bc it seems like you got the troubling end of the deal to me.
Not all sure how he became to live with you either

But what has to be done is this

This is my house and my rules you will go by them or your out
He is old enough to know right from wrong and it sounds like tuff love in order here.
And I think he should talk to someone also.

As for your temper goes it sounds like you need to work on that also

Please keep us updated

[redchief]

Hi, Greg. I'm a father of two boys, now 22 and 20 respectively. I know from the standpoint of age and the changes of body and mind what your nephew is going through. I hope what I have to say will help you at least find some firm footing here.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you said you've adopted your nephew and niece? If that's the case, you must see yourself as their parent; not an understanding uncle. You also need to approach conflict as a dad, hard as that may be considering your past with the young man. That being said, here's what I'd do:

1. Schedule a meeting with him. Almost like a business transaction. Tell him you really don't want a repeat of the screaming match you two had. You would like to tell him what's on your mind and concerning you calmly, with an eye toward finding common ground, and you want to hear what is bothering him about his life right now.

2. When you sit, take a place where you can make eye contact with him, but allow him the opportunity to escape that for a few moments if he needs to. I suggest a diagonal approach. The reason for this is that he's going to come in automatically on the defensive. Also, it will help to choose seating that's relaxed and you're both on the same eye-level.

3. Make it clear from the beginning that his behavior has upset you and your wife, but not because you don't want to deal with it; instead try and make him understand that you're concerned about his future and his safety, and even his freedom. It's OK to admit to mistakes you've made in the past and learned from, and with that explain that you don't expect perfection in him either. Ask him to hear you out and not get angry until you've finished what you're saying. Generate buy-in by reminding him that you are looking to avoid the yelling matches by setting some simple standards of behavior that everyone, including you, will abide by.

4. Set ground rules you can agree on. Explain that leaving the home when you're angry is not acceptable because of the emotions involved (see safe place below). Let him know that there must be ground rules and they have to be followed, but make certain those rules are logical and easily explained. In other words, don't set unreasonable rules in anger. Curfews for teens are more than fair rules for safety and in the interest of good education and health. Family chores, so long as they're not punitive, are more than reasonable and should be completed prior to taking on social activities. Family time rules are also good, I'd say especially so in your case. Maybe one or two nights a week, require that everyone be home for dinner, or something along that line. During those times, stay away from confrontation, instead have the topic being what's going on in the kids' lives. Let him know that failure to follow set, reasonable rules will result in loss of privilege.

5. Allow him a private place he can go to to escape criticism. Here, the kids' bedrooms are their safe places unless we're invited in. Even when we're angry, we knock and ask gently if they're OK, then tell them the conversation can continue in a family room when they've calmed. If we have a concern about some thing or another in the bedroom, we explain that to them and demand entry, but only to confirm or allay our concerns, then we're back out.

6. Don't let him get away with shoulder shrugs and "nothings" when you ask what bothers him in his life. Listen intently to his concerns. You might be surprised to agree that he has some valid points and you can make adjustments based upon what you hear from him. If he tries to clam up, explain that you both set this time aside to clear the air, and to not waste this opportunity, because for this time he can speak freely. This will give him the adult bargaining position he desires without giving up your ability to mentor and be his dad.

Teenagers don't think we understand them. They often think it's them against the world. This is the attitude you should be looking to change. Explain that you want to help him work toward the things he wants, but that it takes communication and trust to be able to work together. Also explain that you respect his need for privacy, but you also know how wicked the world can be, and that you need to be involved in his decisions. Make sure he knows you won't interfere with his independence as long as he follows the family rules and isn't getting into trouble or danger. Explain that independence is earned through trustworthiness and open lines of communication.

Finally, don't betray any trust he places in you during your private conversations. If you see something that requires action beyond what he expects, come back to center and explain why you feel that way. Anyway, that's pretty much how I handled the late teen years with my boys. I hope some of it works for you.

[Greg]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate it.

I'm going to plan this out and then ask him if we can just talk. Then before we talk have him agree to both of us trying not to get upset and hear each other out. Then in a reasonable way, not asking for him to try, or please stop. I'm just going to calmly explain what I think needs to change, what I need him to do, and what the consequences will be if it doesn't happen. Then I'll ask him what he wants to do about certain things and anything else. Then I guess we go from there.

Is that how you would do it you think?

I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again for the suggestions.

[Greg]

Also, thank you Ed. You helped a great deal.