Again, more advice..., And the drama continues

Ok, after I moved 7 hours away from my child's biological father (because he wouldn't help me and Corvin out and my mother-who I am living with offered to help me out), he waits 2 whole months before inquiring about how his son is doing. I have to admit that it really angered me that it took a whole two months for him to show a genuine interest in his child. So, since I was so angry, I decided to wait until I calmed down until I responded to his emails. Well, while I was calming down, he proceeds to send me additional messages stating that I better respond to him bc he his the child's father and that he's talked to lawyers that have told him that I could be in trouble for moving to a different state. Also, that how is he supposed to come up with 2500 dollars out of thin air?? (Which I never asked for. I just asked him for child support period. To which he replied to me, "What do you want me to do, buy you an apartment?") Anyways, after the anger had subsided in me, I sent him a cordial message stating that Corvin was fine and that he had just gone for his shots and a check-up at the doctor(And also that I've kind of had a difficult time setting up internet since I've moved so sorry for the delay in the reply). After that, there were no more emails for about a week. That is until today. He wants to know when I am moving back down there with him because him and his girlfriend have broken-up. I responded that I don't have a vehicle right now and that when I got one I could come down to visit. But that I wasn't moving back there and that I was staying where I was. I also enlightened him that visitation comes along with child support. Then he told me that I must have fallen and hit my head if I think that he's going to pay child support since I moved out of state. SO....my question is...how in the world do I handle this situation???? I've filed with the Attorney General's office, but am waiting to see what exactly they're going to do. I know that it is in the best interest of Corvin for both of us to be involved in his life, but to me, it's been me who's been involved and him who's involved when it's convenient for him. And, to me, that's just not right. Also, since he's the one who's got the vehicle, why can't he drive to where I am at to see Corvin?? (That is, if he REALLY wants to see him) I don't know if he's just using our baby to play mind games with me, or what. And I really don't know what there is that I can do. Like I said, I am living with my mother, supporting the baby on my own as much as I can, trying to get a car, and I don't have much money. It's a bad situation, I know, but I'm trying as much as I can to do the right thing. Is there anyone out there that's been in a similar situation?

<<~~~ GRRRR..... to him and his foolishness, not directed at Corvin or you.

Crossing state lines has NOTHING to do with 1) not paying child support and 2) there are no legalities that state that as his mother you cannot move to where you wish. Unless there is something holding you back within your former state, say like probation but that would be a totally different thing. KWIM?

It seems apparent that his priorities are nowhere in line to be a responsible parent-at all . Just because one thing fell through (his relationship) should not be the catalyst for him to take interest in his own flesh and blood again. The interest should be there, regardless of him having a relationship with another.

From my memory of reading your other posts (pre-Corvin coming into the world) he sounded like someone that would be give you grief from the start. The same grief that you do not need in your life now, and did not then. You have a strong support line with your father and mother.

Before I go off on a nonsense tangent here. I will say this. From what was written about him, he seems to be very lackadasical about stepping up at all to be the dad to Corvin. When it fits him most, he will be that father figure, until then you and he are left hanging out to dry. Without a doubt it is not easy being a single mother, even with 1000hands holding yours it still is rough. But you are making it the best you can for you and for Corvin. Continue to do so, he (the father) is going to continue to play his foolish games with you, as long as he has that open door. If he chooses to come around, sans the idle threats, and chooses to be a DAD to Corvin come hell or highwater, then he could do so. I would never propose you to shut him out for ever. But until he can be the mature man he needs to be, I would keep it strictly straight. That is, continue to pursue child support, educate yourself as much as possible, and when he comes with cheap threats you can spew the truth back at him. There may not a be a relationship between the two of you again, but that could be for the best, even still. Visitation should be allowed by all means, but the courts should decide for certain what the schedule would be.

Educate yourself on family law, as much as you can. Many wishes for the best.

Actually, since you moved before you filed this shouldn't be a problem. However, if you filed, then moved, some states have stipulations that the custodial parent can't move the child over state lines without the other parent's permission. I know this was a big sticking point for my sister, she wanted to have the freedom to leave Texas if she liked, her baby's father wanted her to have to stay in Texas. I know that it is negotiable. Not necessarily a sticking point.

I moved and then filed. But since I did it that way is there going to be any repercussions as far as someone asking the question of why I decided to do things in that order?

I wouldn't think so. You may have to go to a hearing, but I would think that any reasonable judge would agree that you did the best thing for you and Corvin. Also, save the e-mails and keep a journal. Anytime he mentions money, visitation, etc, jot it down. You need to be able to show that he really only wants to use Corvin as a bargaining chip.

SAVE ALL EMAILS BETWEEN YOU TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, most definitely!!! I have saved everything from during the pregnancy until now. I warned him while I was pregnant that sending me threatening messages was not a smart thing to do being that they could be saved and used against him. But, to this day, he continues to send these messges to me.

Ya...forget jotting ...hit print and print those babies out....Also...if possible...get a tape recorder for your phone. I agree with Kelly...Unless there was a custody agreement in the making before you moved...then he can't fight it now.

what a Jerk.....

If he cared about corvin he wouldn't be putting him in this situation to begin with so I do think all of the are you coming here crap? Is to get you back there and get you back to HIM...KWIM?? I don't think you will get in trouble either and the fact that it took him 2 months to call/write to see how the baby was is a big piece of info against him. You are being a great mother by keeping Corvin's best intrest at heart and putting him 1st. I'm so sorry that this has happened.

Did he sign an AOP @ the hospital?

If so, you could actually be in trouble for moving. You could even be ordered back to your original state if he files to have you back there, if you have been there less than 6 months.

Also- I hate to sound like this BUT- he is under no legal obligation to pay support without an order. So you cant really hold that against him. In the same manner, you are under no obligation to let him see the child without an order.

You really should get an atty.

An AOP, what is that? And just for the record, he wasn't even at the hospital, nor is he on my child's birth certificate (Which he wants to change, but won't help me pay the cost of changing. Heck, he hasn't even helped with the cost of our child's circumcision!!!!-I had to pay for it completely out of my pocket because it wasn't covered under Medicaid. ).
And as far as the child support issue goes, my frustration isn't due to whether or not he has a LEGAL obligation to pay it. My frustration stems from the fact that he wants his complete and total rights as a father in our child's life, but feels no MORAL obligation to help me out-whether it be monitarily or otherwise-for our child. Morally, I feel like it would be benificial for our son to have his father in his life; but where in the world is the morality in him not helping out the custodial parent (me) that is doing 100% of the work-physically and monitarily-that our son requires???
He wanted his visitation, which he has stated in many emails, so I advised him that if he wanted to see his son so much, then, since he's the only parent in this situtation that has a vehicle right now, that he could come and drive the seven hours to a location other than my home and visit with his child; But-surprise, surprise-he would rather me (again the custodial parent that has been doing everything) to find a way to make it to him.
And so far, legally, my mom has a friend that is a paralegal that has advised me not to waste the money that I don't have (obviously) on a attorney until he has filed a court order of his own; And since I really don't have the money for an attorney, I intend on following this advice that my mother's friend has given me. Instead, I have followed the proper channels through the Attorney General's office of the state that I currently reside.
Please believe that I'm really not trying to come off as a brat. I just want our child's father to do the moral thing BEFORE this turns into a LEGAL issue. I don't know, but I also think that alot of my frustration stems from the fact that no matter what, I can't really MAKE my child's father DO anything. He has to WANT to do what should be the right thing. And I think that I feel like that if he could only REALLY see how wonderful our baby boy is, then maybe he would really want to. Are my hopes to high??? Should I just let all of this go??? And will that mean that I am to never allow Corvin to have his father in his life so that this doesn't hurt him emotionally down the road??? It seems that either way I go that it ultimately will. Then I will be the parent that gets to pick up the pieces of our child's broken heart. Honestly this whole ordeal just makes me want to breakdown and

Catherine, my experience was, it was ok to leave the state as long as you didnt file, the AOP, is a form that both parents sign at the hosp, if you are not married, so that the man acknowledges he is the father, otherwise when you file for child support the first thing that has to be established is patnerity. as long as he is the babies father it doesnt cost you a thing.
and just becuz he pays child support, willingly or not, does not mean he get visitation, that is an entirely seperate matter.
it sounds like its best if Corbin just doesnt see him.and it also sounds best if you do not drive back to see him.
I have a lot of experience in this situation if you want to talk, you can PM me anytime.
I have a 4yr old from a previous relationship, that went sour, the biological father never wanted anything to do with him, and it was a fight for everything I got. I then met and married the most wonderful man, who adopted my first son, and they couldnt closer, just keep that in mind, you dont need him.
good luck

You can file for child support through Child Support Enforcement. If you have Medicaid, it will be free, otherwise its like $25, or something along those lines.

You must not have any other govt assistance b/c if you do, they usually FORCE the CP to go after the NCP for child support.

In fact, they may just not have gotten to you yet, since you have Medicaid. I dont know what state you are in.

Even if you file for c/s, he would have to file his own motion for visitation.

Normally I would NOT advocate that, but if he didnt sign the AOP...then if his dad dies, you will get no help from the govt (social security death benefits). Also, because if you ever want a stepparent adoption, you will have to establish him as the father to go through with the adoption. I say I dont advocate it b/c I feel if you want support, you should be willing to give visitation to the NCP. I have children with my ex, and so I feel like I can speak from that point- I have never denied him visitation, even before we had an order & it was hell to get him to chip in (he would do it, but not as much as he should be, usually late, etc) and even if he wasnt paying, I wouldnt withhold visitation- I would just file to enforce the order. I think its sad when a CP wants $$ and then wants to keep the child away from the NCP. I'm not saying YOU are doing this or would do this, but my husband has a kid who he ended up having to pay support for & the mom refused voluntary visitation even though he was paying support & he had to fight it out with her in court & he ended up getting a LOT more than she wanted him to have just b/c she had denied it & made his life hell. Of course, she still does everything she can to annoy him & there is a total Parental Alienation Syndrome thing going on but thats another story for another day. So I just wanted to let you know certain situations that can happen.

Also- did you move away from him? If he does file for visitation, you will likely be required to drive 1/2 distance OR pay for 1/2 costs if you fly your son or 1/2 of his gas if he drives the whole way, etc. Even if you file, you may still be required to. Of course he will probably get a graduated visitation schedule first b/c of the distance.

Anyway- if you think you dont want to get into this whole mess- b/c filing for c/s almost ALWAYS culminates in the NCP filing for custody & visitation- you may just want to stick with your plan of leaving it alone.

You can establish paternity without filing for c/s but you will probably need an atty to do it anyway & pay to have it done (signing the AOP, putting him on the b/c, getting papers all in order).

Anyway, I hope this was helpful for you, feel free to ask me any other questions you have about this type of stuff.

Okay I am not sure about your state but here in Florida we have a program called Child Support Enforcment. They will go after the biological father for the support. I get it from them. They did it all for me. Even though he is in another state you can still get child support from him. I wouldnt freak about it to much. He cant jusdt come and take the child.

I don't know anything about child support and all that, but I just wanted to put in my .

In my experieance, some times not having a father is better than having a bad one. If he isn't willing to do the "adult" thing and be responsible, what kind of a message will that send Corvin?

You have the most adorable little boy, and if your ex boyfriend isnt going to step up and do the right thing, which it doesnt appear so, then it might be best to for go the child support and just go on with your lives. If you go after him for the child support and then he decides to be apart of the babys life just to get back at you then its only that precious little boy who will suffer.
sometimes money isnt everything, and it seems like your mom is supportive to you, and you can make it on your own, take the help that the gov. offers you. Its worth it in the end.
I know this from experience. I was in your shoes, I hoped that once the father of my son saw him, he would fall madly in love with us both, lucky for me, I smartened up fast, and realized that having this man in my sons life would do nothing but ruin it, and teach him the habits that I didnt want him to learn from his father....
I made it on my own, and now he has a wonderful step father, who adopted him. The money was not worth it, we agreed if he signed of his rights he wouldnt have to be bothered with support, and most men, who act like this, care only about the money.

feel free to pm me anytime.....to talk .

Ok, just wanted to stop by and thank everyone who's been supportive of me. Big to all of you!!!
Here's another update:
For all of those that were wondering...Me and Corvin moved from Louisiana to Texas.
Also, the SD must have gotten his paperwork from the Attorney General bc he's sent me an email stating that it was about time that I went after him for Child Support. And for anyone who's read my previous posts, then you know how I feel about that so I don't think there is a need for me to really elaborate upon that.
Also, I have been dating someone now for a couple of months. (The guy was actually a friend of mine for a couple of years.) It's weird how things work out. But he's spent more time and money than the SD ever did with me and Corvin. He and I have kind of started to talk about marriage and he's actually starting to talk about adopting Corvin, but I know that the SD would never go for that.
So for now, I am continuing the Child Support process—which is still in the establishment stages—and I am still getting advice from family and friends (as well as on here) about what I should continue to do. One of my friends who has already been through this told me that in her case her child’s SD had to come and visit where she lives (either at her home or at a mutual place that they both agreed to) bc her child was still an infant at the time. He had to pay for all of his expenses to do so as well. She said that that should be how they handle my case. Gosh I hope so bc even though he knows now that I will be pursuing him for child support and paternity, he has yet to offer anything or to even try and work out any arrangement for visitation or child support.
Anyways, again BIG to everyone and I will talk to you later…

Be careful of anything anyone wants you to sign. Don't let up on the child support or visitation issues; it's almost certain he will try again to get you to move back or, at least, pay some share in the transportation of your son back and forth for visits. That's his problem, not yours.

If at any time you feel like you're losing control of the situation, get an attorney. I know the expense is something you really don't need right now, but you have to be sure your interests and those of your son are addressed.

I have been in the same exact situation. If you have any questions just ask me.

I know it's been a REAL long time since I have posted, but just wanted to give an update on my situation. Well, I am officially engaged. Not to my child's father though. But my fiance has taken so much more responsibility for a child that's not even his. On the sperm donor front, he's pretty mad at me. Seems as though redcheif was right about him wanting me to pay for meeting him half way so that he can see his child. He just bought a new vehicle and just left to go on a cruise a few days ago. He has yet to pay me one dime in child support, and he says that he can't afford to come up here to see his child. He has however written me several nasty emails where he states that he is getting very angry with me and that it's sad that he hasn't seen his child in over a year. I agree, but he's the one that has a vehicle, not I. I haven't responded to the emails. All I have done is just hit the save button so that I can take them to court-whenever that is. The Attorney General couldn't be moving slower...Since the sperm donor has contested paternity through the AG, they have made us do all the DNA tests. SD's test was Dec. 2, and mine and my son's was on Feb. 20. The AG said it would take up to 4-6 weeks for the test results to come in and for a court date to be determined. I am getting so anxious waiting around for them to do something. I don't know if this will ever be over...just though I would give the update...

If no visitation or custody has been awarded to him in court, you do not have to meet him half way or cover 1/2 the costs.

However, once support is established, you should assume he will file for custody & visitation. He may not, but that is usually what happens.

At this point, you have a very, VERY slim chance of being ordered back to LA. BUT, he could file for visitation/custody in LA which means you may have to travel there for court, but most likely it will take place in TX, they should have jurisdiction.

Anyway, if it goes to court, he will get some sort of graduated schedule, and eventually he will be able to go with his father back to LA, and you will almost certainly be ordered to pay 1/2 to 100% of the costs because YOU moved away. In fact, its more likely that he will either a) be ordered to pay a reduced amt of support to cover the travel costs, you pay 100% of the costs and he pays full support than it would be to do 50/50, since it will be easy to prove you moved the child after he was born.

If you want support to go faster, you can get an atty & go to family court. SES/CSE/AG's office are notoriously s-l-o-w.

I hear what you're saying about the visitation and all of that, but when I moved it was because it was either come here to be with family, or take our child and myself to a shelter there in LA because I had no where else to go there. I made the very BEST decision that I could for our son. And I have lived in a shelter before I had our child. Not a very fun or safe place to be regardless if the sign on the building says that it is for women and children. When I was there at the women's and children's shelter there in LA, one of the women that was supposed to be in charge was raping some of the women and the other one was getting high on crack. So, yeah, I think I made the BEST decision that I could. Plus, what rights would he be entitled to if he hasn't bothered to support his child even without an order???? Wouldn't it say more to the courts that he actually support his child even if there were no order in place yet??? Sorry to sound so frustrated, but I just can't see where he gets all these "rights" when he has done NOTHING!!!! It has been me, my mother, and my fiancee that have been supporting this child. I don't see how anyone could believe that sperm donation equals instant fatherhood. Basically, I feel like that is what he has done. Plus, what about all those nasty emails that have been sent to me?? There isn't some judge somewhere that will look at that and take into account his anger management issues??? Esspecially if I am not responding to him when he is angry and he just continues to keep sending them??? Don't get me wrong, I don't want Corvin to not know who is father is, but his father needs to start acting like a father. And no one, not even I can make him. He has to want to do it for himself. But, at this point, I can't see that he wants to. He doesn't even want to help me support our child, much less come and see him. But he's got all these means to go and purchase a new vehicle (when I still can't afford to buy my own vehicle because I am trying to support our son) and go on cruises. There must be something that I am missing because I simply just don't get it....

BTW, I am from LA. Neat that you are, too.

Anyway- if paternity and support and visitation have not been established (and by your posts, they have not) he has NO RIGHTS and NO OBLIGATIONS.

And he could get visitation & not pay support & you would have to file contempt charges because support and visitation are two seperate things. Likewise, he could pay support & if you deny him the child he can file contempt charges on you. Child support is not an admission charge to visit with a child.

The court will not look down on him for not paying support without an order because the law dictates that anything he does pay you without an order is a gift, and he can not receive credit for it when support is ordered, and any lawyer would tell him not to pay support until there is an order AFTER paternity is established. Its very important for paternity to be established. But no worries- support will be retroactive from the time you filed. So if you filed 6 months ago, a year ago- he will owe arrears from the date you filed. The state will just tack on like $50 a month to his current support order so he can pay those off without having to come up with a lump sum.

Likewise, you arent going to get in trouble for not letting him see the child. It may not sit very well with the judge that you did not allow even supervised visitation nor that you moved the child away, but there is nothing LEGALLY they can do to you at this point, except make you pay somewhere 50-100% of the travel costs (dad's gas to get the child, or plane costs) OR that you will do 50-100% of the driving because you did move away, and they will consider that fair for the both of you- you get to live where you want, dad doesnt have to bear all of the costs to see the child. They also work in the best interest of the child, which will be that he is able to see his father as much as possible given the distance you two live apart.

Other things you should expect would be that he would be awarded long stretches during school breaks and summer (esp in summer, something along the lines of 6 wks, that might not occur right at first, though), that dad will either get 100% of the tax deduction or you will split it every other year (but you are the only one who can claim the EIC), and that dad will have the authority to make decisions with you jointly over things like education, health care, etc etc etc

I'm not saying you did the WRONG thing by moving, esp since you had no family, although I can tell you it will make the relationship between your son & his father harder to maintain, and their relationship IS very important (and if he doesnt step up, its his fault, but it still doesnt make the relationship less important).

Also- the emails probably will not be admissable b/c you cant really PROVE they are from him. Emails are easy to forge. I dont think you did that, but a lawyer could argue that in court. Also, you cant really prove he has anger management issues unless he has a record, and even then, unless he's been a threat to the child, he will still get visitation if he asks for it.

What you have to understand is that if you go into court & say all this bad stuff about him- the court is going to look at it like "Well, YOU picked him." which wont look all that good on you, either. They will think if you thought he was good enough to make a baby and then have a baby with, he is good enough to spend time with his son and be a father. They will not view him as a "sperm donor" he will be the child's FATHER. Only if he did some really, really serious stuff (sexual assault, murder, things along that line, maybe some really, really serious drug charges or a long and current history of drug abuse) would they do supervised visitation or cut off visitation completely.

Good luck. I'm sorry the AG is taking so long, but that isnt unusual for them. Feel free to ask if you have more questions.

Thanks for the advice Crystal!!!
I know I don't agree with alot of the things that you have told me, but if you have been there, then, I guess it doesn't matter what I think, huh? I just can't seem to wrap my mind around being held accountable for moving when I really had so few options. I don't see how a judge won't think that this was in the best interest for the child. Not that I was trying to move our son away from his father. His father wouldn't help me, and I had virtually no where else to go. I made the best decision that I could given the set of circumstances that I not only put myself in, but the set of circumstances that both of us put ourselves in by creating this baby. Afterall, it wasn't an imaculate conception here, and my name is not Mary. I do think that you made a good point about me choosing him though he was vastly different prior to my pregnancy than he his now. I guess, you could say, that his "real" side didn't emerge until he found out that I was preggo. He, himself has told me that he was scared when he first found out, and that he was sorry for being so horrible to me.
But as far as the situation is now, I understand what you said about him holding off for paying any support to his child until there is a order in place and after the paternity has been established. But, what I don't get is own admission that this is his child (along with all the pics that I have sent to him that he PROUDLY displays on his myspace page), and then the audacity that he displays when he contests paternity through the state of Texas. He had the option of just signing paperwork where he could have acknowledged that this is his son, but he didn't. I have talked with numerous people up at the Attorey General's office where they have told me that if he his thinking that dragging out this process will help him pay less, he is mistaken. He will end up having to pay back Texas and Louisiana for paternity testing as well as any other state support that I have received for our son. Plus he will owe support from the day our son was born, or the support will go back 4 years, which ever is the most appropriate. Even if our son was born in LA. That's what I have been told.
My mom wants me to get an attorney as soon as the paternity finally goes through. I think I have told you that she has a friend that is a paralegal. Well, my mom's friend is actually friends with the family attorney for some of the Dallas Cowboys that would work out some sort of payment plan if he were to take my case. I don't know if this is what I am going to do yet because I am beginning to feel as though I don't have many rights or options so what would be the point? I feel bullyed and yet I can't submit myspace messages and emails into evidence because I could have forged them. And how could they prove that they were forged or not, I ask you??? I just don't get that.
I can tell you that I am about at my wits end with this entire situation. But I am still trying desparately to keep my chin up about everything. That no matter what, this will work out the way that God had intended. Afterall, He never gives us more than we can't handle, right?