Need help

OK so our sweet respectful Nikka has been replaced with an eye rolling, defiant mute

She does not want to go to Georgia this summer.....at all. She had a great time when we were there for spring break but now she says she hated it and doesn't want to go ever again DH already told her he'd compromise a little and not make her go for the WHOLE summer but still for the bulk of it.

She's at that age where even though she's not really allowed to do much, she doesn't want to be away from her friends, which we understand. DH is afraid if he "makes" her go, she'll hate it (and him) but he's also upset with her because she joined a basketball league with her friends even though he told her she won't be here.

Any suggestions for making her feel better about going? We want her to know we are listening and that we do understand, and that it's normal to feel that way. But we also know she'll live through it whether she agrees or not She's doing that teenager thing where she gets upset and just won't talk about it anymore.

She IS going for most of the summer, but I want us to handle it right or it may be a miserable summer for all of us

This post has been edited by luvmykids on May 23 2008, 08:02 PM

I hate to say this

Then why make her go Its not her fault everyone just decided to up and go on her I mean think about it You yourself wasnt even sure you can go and she prolly had a great time there with everyone bc it wasnt long term and she wasnt leaving her friends and Mother for the whole summer

Its a tuff one Mon but you have to put yourself in her shoes I remember reading that you were not even sure you could leave your Mom and maybe just maybe she is feeling the same about her friends.

I was an army brat... we moved every two years. I hated it. I'd make friends and then have to leave and start all over. I didn't mind so much when I was young, but when I got in high school, it was the worst. I don't think anything my parents said would have helped. I just had to get through it. That doesn't mean you shouldn't let her know that you care and keep the communication lines open. Keep in tune with how she is adjusting. But, you can probably expect her to be upset with you for awhile. She will get over it, there will just be an adjustment period. Sorry, I don't have much advice.

I absolutely agree that it's not her fault, and I still struggle with it myself at times, but I think there is a difference between a permanent move and a summer of a little over two months, kwim? And I don't take it lightly that she will miss her mom and friends but there are lots of kids who live with one parent and see the other for the summer....I'm sure it's easier if it's been this way all their life.

I don't think she should have to come for the whole summer straight through, maybe come for three or four weeks and go home for a few then go again but she doesn't want to go at all, thats where the problem is.

This post has been edited by luvmykids on May 24 2008, 06:56 AM

I understand her feelings. Teens generally are acceptive only of change they create in their lives and resent changes thrust upon them by their (OMG ) parents. I would tell her just how life is going to go, pointing out that the changes happening in your lives are for the benefit of the family, and that everyone is going to have to make some sacrifices, including her. Send the clear message that family is more important than friendships, though you value her social standing and will try to accommodate her need to communicate with her friends while you're in GA.

I do have one silly question though... How is it she got into this basketball league without your permission?

I absolutely agree that it's not her fault, and I still struggle with it myself at times, but I think there is a difference between a permanent move and a summer of a little over two months, kwim? And I don't take it lightly that she will miss her mom and friends but there are lots of kids who live with one parent and see the other for the summer....I'm sure it's easier if it's been this way all their life.

I don't think she should have to come for the whole summer straight through, maybe come for three or four weeks and go home for a few then go again but she doesn't want to go at all, thats where the problem is.

I didn't read your post correctly... I thought this was a permanent move but you were going to let her spend a little of the summer with her friends. That makes a difference and my post is null and void. It won't hurt her to spend a little time with the family over the summer.

I absolutely agree that it's not her fault, and I still struggle with it myself at times, but I think there is a difference between a permanent move and a summer of a little over two months, kwim? And I don't take it lightly that she will miss her mom and friends but there are lots of kids who live with one parent and see the other for the summer....I'm sure it's easier if it's been this way all their life.

I don't think she should have to come for the whole summer straight through, maybe come for three or four weeks and go home for a few then go again but she doesn't want to go at all, thats where the problem is.

I didn't read your post correctly... I thought this was a permanent move but you were going to let her spend a little of the summer with her friends. That makes a difference and my post is null and void. It won't hurt her to spend a little time with the family over the summer.

It is for us, not for her. Your post still makes sense though, I know teens feel like even a few months away from their friends is the end of the world.

Ed, she got in the league with her mom signing the permission slip

hmmm, I remember being a teenager...the way I see it, and this is jmo, is that she wants to do what she wants to do and no matter what you say to her, and no matter how understanding, sympathetic, etc you may be, she will still be angry that she can't do what she wants. BUT she is the kid and you are the grownup and she'll have to what you have planned for her, that's just life.
Would it be possible to sign her up for a basketball league (or something to that effect) in GA? The beauty of being her age is that at her age, they make friends easily and if you are moving to GA, she will be visiting you for extended periods of time on a regular basis and it would be much easier for her if she made some friends in GA. In this day and age, with cell phones, text, email, etc, it's very easy for them to keep in touch when they're apart. Another option is to see if she can have a friend of hers from where you live now to come and stay with you guys in GA for a week or two so she'll be less homesick.
I could be wrong but like I said, I feel it doesn't matter what you say, she'll be mad at first, the way to deal with that is to find something interesting for her to do there so the summer is not miserable for her and the rest of you.

Great ideas, Jennifer. I hadn't thought of having one of her friends come for a visit, that is very easily do-able.

Oh I see now
I'm sorry she should give a little and spend time with you guys also then

I went through the same thing when I was a teenager. There was just a time when I just wanted to have fun with my friends. My dad totally understood...even though it might have hurt his feelings looking back now. Instead of making a big deal about it....he just let it happen for a while and then pretty soon I came back around and missed my dad again...lol. Tell your husband not to worry...it won't last forever.