Insecure Feelings, embarrassing, please be sensitive

This is really embarrassing to admit, but I really have to get this off of my chest because I am losing sleep over it.DH and I have been together for 10 yrs. He has never cheated on me and he does not have any pornos. Yet, I have a hard time falling asleep at night because I think he may watch a porn movie on t.v. In the past, there have been 4-5 times that I have woken up at night and that soft porn has been on tv and he is sleeping on the couch. A lot of times it would come on after he fell asleep, so to ease my fears I blocked the ratings so these can no longer show up. Yet, it is still bothering me at night and I will think I am hearing stuff on the t.v. and get up continually throughout the night and check.DH works afternoons, so he is up at night. Plus, my daughter sleeps with me and he sleeps on the couch, so this is why he is not in bed with me. There are also times that I will think he is in the bathroom "pleasuring" himself and it will make me nervous. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I am having these feelings. I honestly feel like I am going to go crazy. There is no reason for me to be questioning these things, so I don't know why I am. I don't know if it is because I am pregnant or what.This has  been really embarrassing to admit but I feel if I don't talk to someone about it then it is going to drive me into the looney bin.What's wrong with me?

This post has been edited by TrulyBlessed on Mar 10 2008, 04:40 PM

in my experience, insecurity stems from inside... unless there is history, of course. are you not happy with yourself? i know i am more sensitive to these things when i am feeling unattractive or disconnected from dh. maybe a date night is in order? just time for the two of you to reconnect. i know it really bothers my dh when i sleep on the couch so if that is a permanent arrangement, i can understand him feeling a bit distant because of it. a lot of dads feel displaced when a baby comes and being banished to the couch would make it worse. as for pleasuring himself, i think all guys do it. has nothing to do with their desire (or lack of) for us... just that they need a release. try not to take it personally.

I'm really not sure, hun. Do you feel like there is something "missing"....a need that he isn't filling?

I'm sorry you are feeling insecure right now...it this a recent thing or have you always had these feelings?

I do have deep sexual issues because I was molested as a child and I still think sex is dirty, raunchy and hurtful. All the men in my family or that I have seen in life are cheaters, so it's hard for me to realize that there are men that do not cheat.

This is why I feel so bad, DH hasn't done anything to lose my trust and I know it comes from my own insecurities. We have been having major financial issues and that has put a wedge between us, so I think part of me is scared of losing him.

I just don't know how to move on and get past my issues.

I'm so sorry. That does sound like it is the issue. I hate it that you are suffering from those horrible memories. Be honest with your DH and let him help you through it. I bet he would be understanding if you approach it as you being the one that needs help instead of an accusition, blame or suspicion on him. I'm not saying that you do that, but I know how men perceive certain conversations and this is not a light topic to discuss.

After nearly 25 years of marriage, please believe me when I tell you that what you're going through doesn't mean there is an unbridgeable rift in your relationship. In my experience there have always been ebbs and flows in all couple's sexual relationships. One thing that you have mentioned on more than one occasion is your lack of desire for sexual intimacy. This can be a difficult relational issue, especially if your husband, like most men, feels his own actions and behavior are partly responsible for how you feel about intimacy.

Some part of me, and don't get me wrong, I'm not judging, thinks that perhaps you feel some relief that your husband isn't sharing your bed right now, but that you know this isn't good for your relationship. I truly understand what's going on in your relationship, and the one piece of advice that worked for us is this... talk. Talk about everything. The sooner the better!

You are absolutely right that there is a part of me that is relieved that we do not share the bed right now. Even though I have been with my DH for 10 yrs, I still struggle with putting my guard down and allowing myself to enjoy our intimacy or to allow myself to show more intimacy to him. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want my husband to feel that he has done anything to cause this or that he is inadequate in any way. I want to love him and show my love to him and I think this is where some of my battle comes in because I don't know how to get past my issues.

I have talked to him about it on occasion and he openly admits that he does not know how to help me through it because he hasn't experienced anything like this to understand or know how to help.

It also angers me that after 10 yrs I still have fears that he may cheat on me. He has never given me this sign or done something for me to think he would. I know some of this stems from the lack of intimacy on my part.

I know that a marriage is more than what goes on in the bedroom, but I don't want the lack of intimacy to threaten our marriage, even though he doesn't give any signs that it does. This is all just my issue right now.

I'm really considering maybe going to counseling, if I could find the right help to get me through this.

Thank you all for your support and help, I appreciate it and I feel better just getting this off my chest.

As a survivor of brutal rape, I can understand your feelings.

Personally, I think you're DH IS helping you, maybe neither of you realize it. He has patience, which is important in your situation.

You've said that you've talked to him on occasion about your past issues, but have you sat down with him and told him everything? That may help him understand better on where you're coming from. If you haven't, see if you can get a babysitter for a night, or if she happens to go to sleep rather early, sit down with him and tell him as much as you can. After a year of being together with my DH, I told him a couple things, but not too much because I was afraid I'd push him away or he'd run off screaming. Even after a year, I didn't feel comfortable with telling him everything, but because of the violent nightmares I had, I kinda had to tell him SOMETHING to explain why I was getting them. It was a few years into the relationship that I told him the things I could remember - I'd blocked out quite a bit. That, and one bad nightmare I had, I was totally flipping out in my sleep and bashed my head off the headboard so hard I bounced and hit it twice. I ended up with amnesia for several months. It was total agony since at the time, I had a 2 yr old son that I couldn't remember at all

Personally, I think that after 10 years together with your DH and the patience he's shown, not only is he a total keeper, but it really doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about concerning him cheating.

I also think that counseling is a great idea, even if you go on your own to figure it out in your own head first before he joins you. I would suggest calling your local women's shelter for suggestions on a counselor. I know the ones around here make sure to pick the ones that are very sensitive and that the women can feel totally comfortable with.

And we're always here if you need us

Been there and that done to me also at the age of 11 of the summer of me going to be 12
Even tho I worked through the hurtful part you still feel the same way about sex
I dont know if you told anyone about your experiance but Ed was the 1st person I ever told I never told my parents bc my Dad hated him any way so I protected my Dad bc I didnt want him to go to jail over that so I just stopped baby sitting his kids and put the walls up and moved on.
As for getting over your feelings about sex I cant tell you how to but If your DH doesnt know what happend it maybe a good time to tell him.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. If I may ask are you in counseling now? I have also had these thoughts on occasion and think for me it is when I am not feeling good about myself. I wish you the best in dealing with it. I think you should talk to dh...it would really help your relationship if he knew what was going on.

FYI: JMO

Big to you, hon. I do think counseling, both individually and together, is a very good idea. You have a lot to work through, things your dh can be compassionate and understanding about, but in the end, it's your work to do. No man, however wonderful, can heal what's inside of you- only you can do that.
Yes, your intimacy issues involve your dh, but you will only be able to work through those after processing your understandable feelings about sex. I know alot of women are threatened by porn in the home, but the truth is, in general guys think about sex more than we do, and if we're not available to them, which is obviously our prerogative, they need an outlet, kwim? It's not personal- it's practical- just a physical release, kwim? Now that might not be the case with everyone, but more often than not, it is. I'm just trying to help you understand that your dh is probably sensing your ambivalence about sex, and doesn't want to burden you- so he's, ur, taking matters into his own hands, quite literally. There may be some shame on his part, too, there often is where masturbation is concerned, and that's why he seems secretive.
Insecurity can be a destructive presence in a relationship. It's not healthy to believe that all men are not trust-worthy. It casts a long, inescapable shadow over your lives together. Without trust, it's hard to make any relationship work, right? That's why I think counseling is in order here. Best of luck, hon, I hope you can come to terms with your past and find your way to happiness again.

Have you talked to him at all about how the porn makes you feel? He sounds like a really understanding guy but I don't know how open you are. There are a lot of people who thing that it's fine for their men to watch porn and go to strip clubs but I think this would make me uncomforable and I don't have any history of rape. As to being uncomfortable about him pleasuring himself I used to think that was horrible and I wasn't doing my 'job' but I've since decided that sometimes it's a 'me' time type thing. I dont really know how to describe it. I hope it helps to know your not the only one

I'm bumping this because a lot has happened in my marriage since I posted this.

Bill and I were on the verge of divorce. I feel that my eyes have been opened to a lot of my mistakes that I have contributed to this marriage and to pushing my husband away.Well, within the last couple of weeks I have been trying to restore our marriage bond and get close with my husband again. I can't believe how much I have hurt my husband. I have put him down and pushed him away, denied him sexually and just all around treated him like my enemy.He honestly should have cheated on me. Anyways, we had another open talk today and he came out and admitted that he had in the past thought of cheating on me. I can't believe how close I was to losing my husband. I am in tears right now because I have caused this and I wouldn't have had anyone to blame but myself. I came out and asked him if it was too late or if we could save our marriage and he said it is never too late, so I hope he is being truthful.

I just need someone to talk to so bad right now. :bawl: My family history with men is really bad and the last marriage that did not end in divorce was my great-grandparents and they passed away before I was born, so I have to fight for my marriage and to understand that all men do not cheat and not all marriages end in divorce.

We're always here

Not every man cheats. I know you couldn't pay mine enough to even kiss another grrl, let alone cheat.

Just because other couples break up and/or divorce, that doesn't mean it'll happen to you, too. Lots of other people do drugs, sky dive, and beat their children, but that doesn't mean I'll be doing any of that!!

It's good that the both of you had a really good talk. Sounds like it did a world of good. Don't beat yourself up for what's in the past, look to the future.

I think its normal for a man to watch a lil porn here n there but when it gets outta hand its too much but i see your feeling jealous and insecure n stuff