New Here - Need Help!, How would you handle this?

Hi, I'm new here - just signed up. If you could be patient - I'd like to explain a few things first. This might be long - sorry.

I have two daughters - one has been out of high school for years. When she was a teen - she was a straight A student, did well at her job, was helpful around the house - just a great kid. I had no reason not to trust her. She'd tell me where she was going, who she was going with, what they would be doing - we had a great relationship. Until one day - when I decided to just to a room check. I went through drawers - looked at pictures of her and her friends, read notes I came across, found a bag of pot ....... Yes, a bag of pot! I confronted her with it - she told me it was someone else's, not her's. I wanted to believe her, because she had given me no reason NOT to trust her. I flushed it down the toilet. After that, I started to keep my eyes open a little more. I found a notebook in her car and looked through it - turned out to be a journal of sorts. In it I found out about all the partying she had been doing - the pot smoking - the drinking - the sexual activity she had been participating in!!! I didn't know my daughter at all!! There was a confrontation - tears (a lot of tears) - and rebuilding of trust. But we got through it and things are much better now.

The reason why I am here is about my younger daughter. Ever since the above happened with one daughter - I guess I have a hard time trusting my other daughter. She tells me she's not her sister - she would never do the stupid things she did. Recently we added a parental control program to our computer. I can control the amount of time she is on and during what times. I can also do reports to find out the websites she's been to - and also read her instant messages. At first I checked the IM's now and then - all harmless stuff. But very recently - I have found out that she is having sex - smoking pot - drinking. She continues to tell me that she does not do the stupid things her sister did - and that I should trust her - all the while she's lying to my face. I read that after her boyfriend broke up with her, she went out with another guy and had sex with him the first date! I read on her IMs that everyone found out about it and were all talking about it. I decided I would tell her that I "overheard" people talking while I was out about her and this boy and wanted to know what is going on - she told me it was a rumor that her ex-boyfriend started. She said she would never do something like that!

How would any of you handle this? Would you print out reports of these IM's and confront her with them? Would you just tell her to stop lying - you know all about it, but don't tell her the source? From what I have read - she tells some friends that she hates what she's doing - but then she has other friends who get her to go ahead and do it. I really don't want to do anything to really ruin our relationship - but this behavior needs to stop!!! I just don't know the best way to handle this. I need help!!

Thanks!

I don't know what I would do because you are in my opinion going a little overboard on invading their privacy. I wouldn't print the papers out and confront them on it, but I would sit down with them and discuss the issues of drugs and sex.

Really, it is their decision to have sex, all you can do is make sure your child is informed and protected.

Not sure about how I would approach the drug situation....Maybe start leaving newspaper clippings of children and drugs going bad around the house for her to see.

I don't really know what to say because you kind of opened up a world of fight when and if they realize you invaded their privacy to that extent.

This post has been edited by mckayleesmom on Aug 17 2006, 03:22 PM

I agree with Bri

It would have been diffrent if you over herd on the phone or in person
but to go snooping and looking for things you over stepped your trust with your child.

Well since your in this deep as for the drugs go just come right out with it
and tell which ever you found it.

I do not agree that you have gone over board. I think that your motherly instinct told you something was wrong, or you wouldnt have gone into the dgts room, who you say you had a wonderful relationship with and have always trusted. I think teenagers, make the wrong choices, and its up to the parents to try to teach them the rights and wrongs, however that being said., I know you have to find a way to teach them, and let them make some mistakes. I am not the parent of a teenager. I know my own mother went thru my stuff, and found things out that probably saved me from getting into more trouble.
I just cant imagine, knowing your teen dgts are having sex, and not saying anything, I mean what if they came down with an std that was life or death or got pregnant, and all because you didnt want them to know you had "invaded their privacy?"
IMO, I would confront them, and tell them how disapointed you had to go to this extent to find out, that you were and are there for them, but you have to discuss what is right and wrong, and then let them make their own decisions.
I mean if it means curfews so that they are not out alone, to be in a situation where having sex is a possiblility, or what ever....but you might need to set some stricter boundries.
again this is only IMHO.
Good luck to you.


ps
welcome to the board! its a wonderful place to express your opinions. and get some honest anwers.

She needs her own privacy. you are giving her no privacy whatsoever. Going through peoples journals is a bad thing. If you found out all the emails you were sending, all the websites you were going to, etc where being tracked, you would feel like you're privacy had been invaded, wouldnt you?

Look, even though she is saying that to her FRIENDS, doesnt mean she is actually doing them. I think you may of heard of peer pressure and saying things to impress friends.

I think you should just leave it and if find anything else to back it up well i guess talk to her about it and see what she says. I would just like to make it clear that not all teenagers are taking drugs, having sex and getting drunk.

This post has been edited by maddie223 on Aug 26 2006, 11:44 PM

Not all teenagers make the wrong choices. That is a very unfair generalization. Although parents should help them through tough times like this by talking to them, asking them whats going on and trying to understand them.
Just try and remember what it was like to be a teen.